You Can't Get Arrested for Being Awesome

Hi there

2010-02-23T22:48:00.001-05:00

Poop

2009-07-18T17:18:00.002-04:00

I've been a dad for almost four weeks now, and I cannot believe how much my life now revolves around poop. Is the baby pooping? How long has it been since her last poop? Was there a lot or a little? What color was it? How thick was it? And so on. It consumes almost all of my conversations now. I can't talk to anyone without talking about poop.

So you can imagine how thrilled I was a few days ago after I had just changed a diaper and was about to leave for work, when I discovered that some deer had passed through our yard the night before, and one of our dogs took it upon herself to roll in their poop. Life is good.

By the way -- this post? Coming to you live from the bathroom!

Holy cow, that looks like a baby (Part II)!

2009-06-27T17:10:00.001-04:00

Her name is Allison Hannah. She was born on Tuesday June 23, at 2:00 a.m. She was 8 lbs, 8 oz, and 20 3/4 inches long.

What does Wyoming have against Manny Ramirez?

2009-05-07T21:08:00.002-04:00

John Popper is hungry . . . for irony

2009-04-07T20:12:00.001-04:00

So I had to call our call our credit card company to get them to waive a fee that I felt was improperly assessed. I
got passed around from person to person for no apparent reason, and eventually I was placed on hold.

The hold music? "Runaround," by Blues Traveler.

What do normal people do on the weekends?

2009-03-02T21:03:00.001-05:00

I honestly have no idea. Suggestions?

Economic stimulus

2009-02-03T18:21:00.005-05:00

Thinking Fool has an excellent post on the economic stimulus bill working its way through Congress right now. He compares some of the proposed spending to a story in which a teenager is begging her mom for money to get her car fixed, and when her mom agrees, the teenager then tacks on money for a new dress, a TV, etc.

While I certainly agree with him in principle, I think he overdoes it a little bit with the details. His version of the list the teenager gives to her mom is as follows:

Engine: $1,140
Brakes: $155
Tires: $280
New Dress: $70
Nintendo Wii: $250
Four Wine Glasses: $44
HDTV for my Room: $880
Ceramic Flat Hair Iron: $85

In this scenario, the teenager is attempting to con her mom into spending $2904 to "fix her car," when in reality only $1575 of that is necessary. The remaining $1329, or about 45%, is her "wish list."

I am not an expert on what's in the bill that's being debated right now, but CNN.com has a list of items apparently identified by Republican leaders as "wasteful." The trouble is that those items total "only" about $19.1 billion in a package with a total cost of nearly $900 billion. Even assuming the package was only $800 billion, the wasteful spending identified is only about 2.4% of the total.

Put another way, if the teenager's total bill was still $2904, the "wish list" items would cost less than $70.

To be perfectly clear, I still think the whole thing's a load of crap. I just think a little perspective is in order.

Great inauguration photo

2009-01-23T20:11:00.003-05:00

This is an absolutely incredible photo of the inauguration. Photographer David Bergman has created a composite panoramic image of the event from over 200 stills with a total resolution of 1474 megapixels.

The detail is incredible, and the longer you look the more cool things you can see, including:

Yo-Yo Ma snapping a photo on his iPhone -- in about the fourth row on the balcony one level above and behind Obama, right in the middle
Clarence Thomas catching some Zs -- with the rest of the Court, immediately to the President's left, second row
An impressive array of porta-potties -- in the background behind the media tower, middle-right
Aretha Franklin's hat -- essentially indescribable. On the (stage) left side of the middle section behind Obama, sixth row

And then there are questions I don't yet know the answer to. For example, who is the guy sitting in front of the Chief Justice? Who are the people in the left-most window on the top floor of the west wing of the Rayburn House Office Building?

The person I'd really like to identify, though, is sitting directly between Bill Clinton and Al Gore. Bill and Hillary are sitting with the former presidents and their spouses -- George H.W. and Barbara Bush, and Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter. Al and Tipper Gore are sitting with the former VPs and spouses -- Dan and Marilyn Quayle, Walter Mondale and his wife (name?). So who gets seated between the former presidents and former vice presidents? My best guess, based on this list of the order of precedence, is that they're ambassadors. Can anyone identify them?

What would the Jeffersonian Republicans think?

2009-01-20T19:01:00.005-05:00

Was anyone else disappointed to see Chief Justice Roberts add "so help you/me God" to the end of the oath today? The words are not, of course, in the text of Article II. I thought this guy was a strict constructionist.

And don't even get me started on how he transposed the "faithfully."

And now for something completely different

2009-01-18T19:48:00.001-05:00

Ever run around with pumpkins on your heads? I recommend it.

Note that this post does not get the "drinking" tag.

Holy cow, that looks like a baby!

2009-01-12T22:29:00.003-05:00

Fortunately for everyone, the child does not take after its father.

On the Browns coaching search and Eric Mangini

2009-01-05T09:00:00.002-05:00

In the very near future, the Browns will interview Ravens Director of Pro Personnel George Kokinis for their vacant GM position. Kokinis was not on the Browns' radar until Eric Mangini identified Kokinis as Mangini's preferred GM candidate. The obvious implication of this interview is that the Browns anticipate hiring Mangini to be their head coach. I'm not really on board with this, and I'd like to make the case that it's better to hire a top assistant than someone who was just fired by another team.

To be fair, I don't think Mangini is a bad coach. I think he's at least as qualified as the average NFL head coach, and maybe he's even a little bit better. I only saw him actively mess up game management once (week 16 this year at Seattle). He seems to be a non-nonsense guy who doesn't play favorites. But his record also seems to be pretty closely tied to personnel changes (i.e., it's not clear that he's making the sum greater than its parts), and he's a member of the Belichick coaching tree, whose members are 71-90 as NFL head coaches. Plus, the thought of going with another former Belichick defensive coordinator as head coach (like Romeo Crennel) and another Ravens personnel guy as GM (like Phil Savage) has me feeling a little nauseous.

So I asked my friend Tim to talk me down off the ledge. Here was his resposne:

Here's the deal, of all available coaching candidates, we have ruled out college coaches (see Butch Davis) and hot NFL coordinators (see Romeo Crennel). That being said we are looking at retreads. I think Cowher is out of play this season, which leaves the most attractive candidates as Schottenheimer, Shanahan and Mangini. Schott doesn't even appear to be an option, I think he might really be retired (he hasn't been mentioned anywhere). Shanahan is on vacation and won't interview anywhere for the next couple of weeks. Lerner may wait for him to see where he stands but the guy has had total control in Denver for a while and he hasn't won a thing without John Elway. I don't think he is the slam dunk everyone is making him out to be. Which leads us to Mangini, a guy who has had two winning seasons in his first three years as a head coach.

That got me to thinking. Unless an NFL owner intends to hire someone straight out of high school or the arena league, or someone who has never coached football at all before, then there are only three types of NFL head coaches, and Tim mentioned them all -- college head coaches, NFL assistants, and retreads. To categorically exclude two of the three strikes me as more than a little foolish.

Let's start with college head coaches. Only three current NFL head coaches were college head coaches -- Tony Sparano (New Haven (D-II), 1994-1999), Tom Cable (Idaho State, 2000-2003), and Tom Coughlin (Boston College, 1991-1993). Sparano and Cable spent significant a significant amount of time as NFL assistants following their departure from the college ranks. Coughlin went directly from BC to Jacksonville, where he coached for eight seasons, and then was out of football for one year before taking over the Giants. Based on this, it seems like a case could be made for staying away from college coaches. Sparano and Coughlin have had success, but Sparano was nearly a decade removed from his college job, and Coughlin was in a unique situation when he took over the expansion Jaguars. Cable is an interim this year, and perhaps shouldn't be in this discussion at all.

That leaves us with NFL assistants and, as Tim called them, NFL retreads. I have compiled some numbers on the retreads' records. Click on the picture below for a better look.

There are nine current retreads: Coughlin, Belichick, Dick Jauron, Wade Phillips, Tony Dungy, Jon Gruden, Herm Edwards, Norv Turner, and Jim Haslett. (Although Haslett is an interim, I've included him because he coached more than half of his team's games this year.) Phillips and Turner are on their third teams with full-time gigs. I did not include their interim terms because they were five games or less.

In their first stops as NFL head coaches, these guys were a combined 380-394, a .497 winning percentage. In their subsequent posts (i.e., including Phillips and Turner's third teams as well as everyone's second), they were a combined 408-292, a .583 winning percentage.

But wait a tick. Belichick and Dungy have been absolutely phenomenal in their second go-rounds as head coaches, combining for a 187-69 record, or .730 winning percentage, during their time with the Patriots and Colts. If you take these guys out of the equation, the group of retreads is 221-223 after their first jobs, a .498 winning percentage, almost exactly the same as the win rate for their first jobs. (To be fair, taking Belichick and Dungy out of the tally for first jobs lowers that winning percentage to .493, which means the other seven guys increased their win percentage by .005, an average of one additional win every 12.5 seasons.)

Looking at individual changes, besides Belichick and Dungy only Wade Phillips saw a large uptick in his winning percentage after his first job. Oddly enough, some people think Phillips may still lose his job before next year, and I think I'd get laughed out of town of I suggested that the Browns hire Phillips.

Here are the final breakdowns in terms of increased wins or losses for coaches after their first job:

Belichick - Extra 4.1 wins per season
Dungy - Extra 3.1 wins per season
Phillips - Extra 2.2 wins per season
Coughlin - Extra 0.9 wins per season
Jauron - No change
Turner - Extra 0.25 losses per sesaon
Gruden - Extra 1.3 losses per season
Edwards - Extra 2.8 losses per season
Haslett - Extra 4.8 losses per season

Average for everyone - Extra 1.4 wins per season

Average for everyone not named Belichick or Dungy - Extra 0.07 wins per season, or about one win every 12.5 years.

The point is this: with only Belichick and Dungy as exceptions, coaches in their next job perform at about the rate as they did in their first job. Mangini averaged just under eight wins a year. The Browns are in a division where everything Pittsburgh or Baltimore touches turns to gold. Eight wins a year, with a ninth win in 2021, isn't going to cut it.

By going with Mangini, Randy Lerner is betting that he's the next Belichick or Dungy, rather than the next everyone else. I hope to hell he's right, but I kind of doubt it.

TV complaint

2009-01-02T21:05:00.000-05:00

I am one of those poor suckers who does not have an HDTV yet. My four and a half year old low-def TV is not a widescreen like all the newer TVs. This means that when things happen on the edges of the screen, I don't see them.

Normally this is not a problem. I don't watch a lot of TV shows, but what I do watch is formatted appropriately for my TV. When it comes to watching sports, CBS producers do a good job of keeping the action in the middle of the screen where I can see it. (I am a Browns fan; almost all of their games are on CBS. For college football, ABC and ESPN producers are equally competent.)

But Fox producers are terrible at this. I rarely watch the NFL on Fox, so I haven't noticed this until bowl season. All three games Fox has shown so far have a ton of action happening with only half of it on my screen, or sometimes off it entirely (for example, the sack that ended the first quarter in the Sugar Bowl? I could barely tell what was happening).

This is just another reason why the BCS stinks. There are many others, of course, but nobody is talking about how the BCS sold the TV deal to a network that doesn't produce a single college football game all year until it's time for the most important ones. (And while we're at it, we should mention that Fox then went and staffed those games with announcing teams that aren't any good either.) I am no fan of ESPN, but it will be a welcome change when the BCS games move there in a few years.

Around the house

2008-12-31T21:15:00.000-05:00

I struggle daily to cope with the tension between my internal desire for order and my external distaste for cleaning. Strangely, I am very much the type of guy who believes that there should be a place for everything and that everything should be in its place. But I am not the guy who knows where those places are or actually puts those things there.

This has been a problem, to varying degrees, for my entire life. When I was a kid and my mom would tell me to clean up my room, I would protest that the floor was only messy because it was effectively the biggest shelf I had. When I went to college, I think my roommate (bless his heart) occasionally humored me by messing up his stuff so I didn't feel too bad. I was able to keep order, for the most part, in my room at the fraternity house and my first apartment, but there were extenuating circumstances in both cases--specifically, the room at the fraternity house was so small that it wasn't possible to fit anything into which could make it messy, and when I moved into the apartment I was just starting law school, so I didn't own enough stuff to make anything messy.

Now I'm married to a wonderful woman who, I'm afraid, suffers the same organizational deficiencies as me. Actually, that's not entirely correct--she has plenty of organizational skills that I don't, not the least of which is the ability to actually conceive, plan, and prepare a meal. But in terms of getting things picked up and put away, we are both something less than proficient.

This is problematic enough in its own right, but with a baby on the way I'm feeling extra pressure to "grow up" and "be responsible." Here are a few of the things I'm trying to do to rectify this situation. This is by no means an exhaustive list, of course. Just a few ideas.

I got an old Roomba and have ordered a replacement battery. Most of our house is carpet, but running this on the kitchen's linoleum regularly should help keep down on dog-hair dust bunnies.
Along the same lines, I received a FURminator for Christmas. The FURminator's slogan is "Because your pet's hair looks better in the trash can than on your furniture." Amen to that. I've only had it for a week, but I am very impressed without how effective the FURminator is.
I've gone through my closet and gotten rid of some stuff that I don't wear anymore. It's been bagged and will be taken to a shelter downtown. I've also replaced our cheap wire hangers with some slightly more sturdy plastic ones. Stronger hangers will help ensure things stay on the rack and in their place.
I'm trying the eChef software to organize recipes. I don't intend to get rid of our cookbooks, but we subscribe to a couple of food magazines (Bon Appetit, Cooking Light, Food+Wine) and have plenty of them hanging around because we like one or two recipes in each issue (and haven't been motivated enough to cut them out and paste them into cookbooks). Hopefully this software will not only reduce some clutter, but help us organize healthy meals at home and create shopping lists.
On the financial front, I have moved over entirely to electronic billing. No more statements in the mail. I receive emails advising me whenever a bill has been sent. Recurring bills (such as phone and internet) are paid automatically. For other bills I immediately mark my calendar two days ahead of the due date. I also download all my transactions into Quicken every week so I can make sure everything is accurate and see what we're spending our money on.
I've made a commitment to going through the mail every day as soon as I get home. Most of it can get recycled immediately, but to be honest I'm not yet sure what to do with some of the other stuff. Usually it gets tossed on the kitchen island or dining room table, which is obviously not a working solution. I realize that many sites like Unclutterer recommend not going through the mail daily, but rather waiting until there's a critical mass. But in my experience, critical mass isn't achieved until there's a stack about twelve feet high.

There are others, but that's a good start for today. I'll be sure to let you know how I'm doing.

FYI

2008-12-05T22:35:00.003-05:00

On the off chance that this feed is still in anyone's RSS reader, I figure this is as good a way as any to get the news out.

I'm going to be a daddy.

Might as Well Post it Here

2008-07-24T23:02:00.004-04:00

In honor of the Discovery Channel commercial that can't help but bring a smile to my face, I give you "I love DC" to the tune of "I Love the Whole World"

I love the Quadrants

I love memorials

I love Key Bridges

And cherries arboreal

I love the District. And all its sights and sounds.

Boom de yada boom de yada boom de yada boom de yada

I love Rock Creek Park

I want a Jumbo Slice

I like to run here

And Dupont Circle's nice

I love the District. And all its craziness.

Boom de yada Boom de yada Boom de yada Boom de yada Boom de yada

I love row houses

And long-ass stairways down

I love the Express

And even Chinatown

I love the District. It’s such a brilliant place.

Boom de yada Boom de yada Boom de yada Boom de yada Boom de yada

Boom de yada Boom de yada …

The District is just awesome.

Lies! All lies!

2008-02-19T20:50:00.002-05:00

This blog has previously opined that one of the best parts about working as a government lawyer is the "sensible hours."

Bullshit.

You know what?

2008-01-29T22:22:00.000-05:00

Blogging was kind of fun. Sometimes I miss it. Maybe I'll start doing it again. Maybe somewhere else though. I don't know.

Bar exam results

2007-10-26T06:32:00.001-04:00

Bar exam results are released this morning at 7 a.m. on the Ohio Supreme Court's web site.

I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve. In a half hour I'm going to wake up and I'm either going to be Ralphie, whereupon I'll find an official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time, or I'll be Cindy Lou Who, and I'll discover that the tree has been stolen. Ugh.

------------------------------------

Update, 7:07: I'm Ralphie. Phew.

Bar exam results

2007-10-26T06:32:00.000-04:00

This guy

2007-08-24T20:52:00.000-04:00

Don't be like this guy.

Bar exam

2007-07-27T09:23:00.000-04:00

Well, that was a hoot. During the morning session on Tuesday I actually booked my hotel for February. Just in case.

There will always be bar exam horror stories, whether it's your MBE answer sheet disappearing or your computer eating your essays. To the best of my knowledge, we didn't have any systemic failures like that in Ohio (at least, not yet).

But we did have two minor incidents. You know how you're not allowed to take apart the MBE book? Well one girl tore the two blank sheets out of the back. Her answer sheet was immediately confiscated and she was told not to come back.

The other one was a lot more fun. In Ohio, like in many states I assume, we have to give a full set of fingerprints when we register as a candidate for admission. And when we got our bar exam info from the Supreme Court two weeks ago we got a notice that we would have to give a fingerprint on at least one of the three days during the test. So on the first day, there was ink and a card on every table, and we all had to give our right index finger. No big deal. The second day we had to do it again. Well, they picked up our cards and we started the MBE. Then little bit later they came back to one guy's table and made him give a full set of fingerprints. About fifteen minutes later, they came back for the guy and unceremoniously escorted him out. Apparently they have computers on site to scan the cards, and obviously his didn't match.

I have two questions here. First, is there someone out there who is a professional MBE taker? What an awful job. How much do you think that service goes for? Second, when you are told in advance that you will be fingerprinted, and then you show up on exam day and the fingerprint material is there on your table, how the heck do you not abandon your plan? What on Earth makes you think it's a good idea to call the bluff of the Supreme Court of Ohio? Have you not been going through this application process for 22 months? Do you not grasp how ridiculously anal they are about this stuff? What is wrong with these people?

On the plus side--hey, that's two down as far as I'm concerned. I only need to outscore a few hundred more.

UPDATE: I have heard this story from several people, but the details are sketchy and unverified. Allegedly a few years ago in Ohio, someone had a heart attack either right before or right after the exam started for the day. The proctors asked around if anyone was a doctor, and of course a couple of people were, and one doctor stabilized the poor guy until an ambulance arrived. Meanwhile, the proctors apparently started the exam for the other thousand-odd applicants, and the good Samaritan lost about a half an hour. He petitioned for extra time, but were denied, and failed the exam. Allegedly. If anyone can verify that I would really like to hear details.

Welp, it's about that time

2007-07-22T18:58:00.000-04:00

Bar exam starts Tuesday.

Here's the thing about the bar exam. Like most about to take it, I am dreading it. I do not expect it to be a fun experience.

Unlike most about to take it, I haven't killed myself studying for it. That's not because I think I can pass without studying. It's because freaking out like these two just isn't worth it. I have done pretty well in law school, and I'm counting on that to get me through. If it doesn't, it doesn't. I'll try again in February and I'll study more then. But if it does, then I've earned at least an extra month of leisure time that my friends didn't have. High reward, small downside.

Now, on the other hand, it has become abundantly clear at this point that whether I pass or fail will depend entirely on what kind of questions I get. If my contracts essay is on common law, I'll knock it out of the park. If it's on UCC Article 2, I may be in trouble. If the property question is on future interests, RAP, or conveyancing, I'm on easy street. If it's on landlord-tenant law I will need the full time allotment.

So, am I confident that I'm going to pass? Not exactly. But the odds are in my favor, and even though I'm stressed, at least I don't have an ulcer.

In other words . . . see you in February.

Energy Spatula

2007-07-14T21:37:00.000-04:00

is blogging again.

Anthems

2007-07-11T08:55:00.001-04:00

1) Chris Isaak? Messed up the words to the national anthem last night. Come on. Ridiculous.

2) Why the Canadian anthem? Yes, I know that the answer is that the Blue Jays play their home games in Canada, but isn't that a bit silly? If they're going to be playing "O Canada" shouldn't they also be playing "Himno Nacional Mexicano," and "Quisqueyanos valientes" (Dominican Republic), and "Gloria al Bravo Pueblo" (Venezuela), and so on?

Bar study?

2007-07-10T17:55:00.000-04:00

Sucks, man. Who knew?

Change

2007-05-08T09:58:00.000-04:00

I heard recently that my high school football coach has decided to leave the program and take the head coaching job at a rival school. I am sure it wasn't an easy decision for him, and it's hard to fault him for it -- apparently they were offering a significant pay raise, and he has a young family to take care of. And yet I can't help but feel a bit sad about this. My two brothers and I, and all of our friends, were very close to him as both players and alumni. It is strange to think that he won't be there anymore, and even more strange to think that once a year he'll be on the opposing sideline.

Draft recap

2007-05-01T14:12:00.000-04:00

Welp, the Browns got the guy I wanted, and then the guy I didn't want. But now that the guy I didn't want is going to be playing behind the guy I did want, it's a whole different ball of wax. I'm on board.

They also picked up a corner in the second round who is supposed to be super-talented, but has some character issues. I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt (the charges against him having been dropped, and with two years of honor-roll trouble-free college in Las Vegas under his belt), but he should be on a zero-tolerance policy.

One important comment. I was watching the coverage on ESPN, and also had the ESPN.com "DraftCast" up on my computer. Jeremy Green--he of Scouts Inc., son to Denny Green, former front-office employee of the Cleveland Browns--was chatting with fans, answering questions and offering opinions. I have not liked Jeremy Green for quite some time. He was useless as a scout for the Browns, and has often been seen offering opinions which are either demonstrably false or otherwise indefensible. (He was also quoted in a recent issue of ESPN The Magazine as saying that Butch Davis was "way too heavily involved" in the draft in Cleveland, but if the alternative is having Jeremy Green run the show, I'd take my chances with Davis.)

Anyway, here's the point. The Carolina Panthers drafted USC WR Dwayne Jarrett in the second round on Saturday. In the ESPN.com chat room, Jeremy Green was slamming the pick, saying that Panthers WR Keyshawn Johnson (a former USC star) would not be willing to help Jarrett along in his career, and that Johnson and Jarrett were not on speaking terms. Meanwhile, over on the television--at the exact same moment--Keyshawn Johnson was actually interviewing Dwayne Jarrett, telling him how excited he was to have Jarrett come to Carolina, and promising to show him the ropes.

Jeremy Green. Awesome.

UPDATE: And now Keyshawn has been released by the Panthers. My friend joked during the draft that Jarrett was essentially Keyshawn's replacement, and we all hoped that he'd get the call during the telecast that he'd been released. Of course, this doesn't make Green look any better, but even if he had been right about those two, today's events would make the pick look a lot more sensible.

It's NFL draft time again

2007-04-27T09:12:00.000-04:00

I no longer have the time or energy to do a four-part draft diary like I did three years ago, but I
figure I could still put together a mock draft. Why not, right? Here goes nothing.

Oakland Raiders -- Jamarcus Russell
Detroit Lions -- Calvin Johnson
Cleveland Browns -- Brady Quinn
Tampa Bay Buccaneers -- Amobi Okoye
Arizona Cardinals -- Joe Thomas
Washington Redskins -- Gaines Adams
Minnesota Vikings -- Jamaal Anderson
Atlanta Falcons -- Adrian Peterson
Miami Dolphins -- Levi Brown
Houston Texans -- LaRon Landry
San Francisco 49ers -- Adam Carriker
Buffalo Bills -- Darelle Revis
St. Louis Rams -- Alan Branch
Carolina Panthers -- Greg Olsen
Pittsburgh Steelers -- Patrick Willis
Green Bay Packers -- Marshawn Lynch
Jacksonville Jaguars -- Reggie Nelson
Cincinnati Bengals -- Leon Hall
Tennessee Titans -- Ted Ginn
New York Giants -- Joe Staley
Denver Broncos -- Lawrence Timmons
Dallas Cowboys -- Dwayne Jarrett
Kansas City Chiefs -- Robert Meachem
New England Patriots -- Paul Posluzny
New York Jets -- Aaron Ross
Philadelphia Eagles -- Michael Griffin
New Orleans Saints -- Chris Houston
New England Patriots -- Anthony Gonzalez
Baltimore Ravens -- Jon Beason
San Diego Chargers -- Dwayne Bowe
Chicago Bears -- Justin Harrell
Indianapolis Colts -- Eric Wright

Note -- as I have mentioned in this space before, I desperately want the Browns to take Joe Thomas if he's available when they pick (and want to stay as far away as possible from Brady Quinn). With my awful track record in mock drafts, I figure by listing Brady Quinn as their selection I have pretty much guaranteed that they take someone else. I could also be talked into them taking Adrian Peterson with their first pick. I'm maybe a little concerned about his three serious injuries in three years, but he's really in a class by himself. Picking Peterson in the first and the best OL available (perhaps Ben Grubbs or Justin Blalock) at the top of the second round would be a pretty good day for the Browns.

Weird feeling

2007-04-26T13:27:00.000-04:00

I have been in the American education system for the past twenty years. In terms of sheer time, I have repeated kindergarten through sixth grade after I graduated from high school.

And it just dawned on me that I am sitting in my last class ever.

Hits ya like a ton of bricks ...

So

2007-04-20T08:42:00.001-04:00

We just bought a house. Wild.

Chesterland, Ohio

2007-04-18T21:03:00.000-04:00

Mulberry Road. That's the street I grew up on. Awesome. This sort of thing has happened before, by the way.

Look at that -- no posts for nine days and then two in a matter of minutes.

For any 0Ls

2007-04-18T20:49:00.000-04:00

On the off chance that anyone reading this is considering law school, I would highly recommend reading this post by Lyco.

Shoeless Ruth Ginsburg

2007-04-09T17:03:00.000-04:00

So the Girl With Whom I Sometimes Spend Time (GWWISST) had a tour of the Supreme Court with her Media Coverage and the Courts Class. They had a grand ole time, and the whole process ended with an audience with Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

The Justice was talking about how jornalists shouldn't speculate as to things about which they do not have information. Apparently not too long ago, some media outlets reported that Ginsburg's health seemed to be in decline because she took longer than the other Justices to rise at the close of arguments one day.

What the reporters were unaware of, however, was that Justice Ginsburg had slipped her shoes off during the arguments, and was simply unable to get them back on in time.

Supreme Court Justices: They Take Their Shoes off at Work Just Like Us!

The NFL Draft is approaching

2007-04-02T00:25:00.000-04:00

and the Browns are apparently considering Brady Quinn. These guys, however, think that's a bad idea, and it's hard to disagree:

http://www.dontdraftbradyquinn.com

As a man smarter than me once said, "Brady Quinn is David Klingler without the poise, footwork or arm strength. Good luck to whoever drafts the hero."

Spread the word! Don't draft Brady Quinn!

How to Perpetuate a Stereotype

2007-03-30T12:42:00.000-04:00

1. Found a college in West Virginia.

2. Make a name for your basketball team with this man as your star.

3. After he leaves, win the NIT and have snazzy shirts printed.

Voila! Before you know it, everyone once again thinks West Viginia is full of white trash who can't spell. Of course, that's not even the best West Virginia shirt I've seen in the past year ...

Amen, brother.

I would like to state, for the record, that I am a huge fan of WV. Never had a bad time there.

Tax Rap

2007-03-26T15:22:00.000-04:00

This is Prof. Civ Pro II. The occasion is the Turbo Tax Tax Rap contest. The details are at TaxProf Blog.

Perhaps There Was a Zesta Rep Behind Me?

2007-03-22T11:09:00.000-04:00

For the first time in my life I was just on the receiving end of racism, at least the old-fashioned, overt hatred type.

Background info: at least twice a day, I cross 2nd St on Massachusetts Ave coming to and from school (google map). Second is four or five lanes wide there including turning lanes, and is basically a dump-off from the I-395 exit. It's always busy. As far back as I can remember, a member of the Nation of Islam has been there for most of my crossings, handing out his newsletter. I always thought of him as just very dedicated to his cause, but nothing more. I'd never seen him talk to anyone other than black people in cars before. No pedestrians. No white people.

So today on my way home I was walking north on the east side of Second Street. When the light there is red, traffic backs up all the way onto the Interstate, and you can cross before the crosswalk by walking through the stopped cars, which saves me about a minute on a ten-minute walk home. I do this regularly. So I crossed the street right by where the 395 badge is on the map, and started walking towards Mass (there is no sidewalk on that side, only grass). I'm maybe 50 feet from Mass when he literally barked at me "YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR STEP CRACKER!"

I was too taken aback to even respond. I looked around, my jaw on the floor, and then turned back around and kept walking. When I was across the bridge, I looked back again and decided that I should have said something along the lines of "excuse me?" or "what the fuck?" but it was too late. I walked home shaking the entire way. I will never forget the contempt in his voice. And I will never forget his face, nor will ever look at that intersection, or him, or sadly the Nation of Islam, the same way ever again.

I know that I'm a suburban, white, child of privilege. So I don't have a leg to stand on in these matters at all. I’m also aware that this particular injustice is about 1/6 of a drop in an ocean exponentially bigger than the Pacific. And the “cracker” slur does not even carry a fraction of the loaded connotation or hate of the N-word or anything similar. But this makes our country’s history of race relations just that much more contemptible to me (if that were even possible). I had no idea how much something that simple would sting. The wound was still raw an hour later. I did not want to eat. I couldn’t think about much else—what would have happened if I responded? Where does he get off? Why does this bother me so much?

As I write this right now, I can’t sleep. I cannot pinpoint the reason (lots has gone wrong in my life in the past ten days or so), but as I lied there staring at the ceiling, this incident replayed itself in my mind more than anything that has been bothering me recently. I have always been fine with the fact that Chris Rock can say the N-word while I can’t, but this really drives home why.

I am aware that I have led a very blessed life, and believe me when I say that I am not trying to compare what happened to me today to what happens to countless people less fortunate than myself on a daily basis. In addition to likely not having to deal with anything like that again for a while, I came home to my nice apartment building with its wireless Internet afterward. It was a one-time insult, not an institutional bias that will keep me from getting a job or a promotion, and I was not threatened with bodily harm. I was able to vent to close friends about the experience. But even with all that, it hurt. A lot. And it probably will for a bit.

I know Valentine's Day was last month, but ...

2007-03-18T23:13:00.000-04:00

Think my girlfriend would mind getting a little belated present? (Link semi-NSFW)

Match Day

2007-03-16T13:07:00.000-04:00

Unlike the legal world, where us law students are left to fend for ourselves when it comes to jobs, graduating medical students essentially get told which job they're going to go to. Sure, they apply to different programs and interview and rank their preferences, but the end result is that med students across the country open their envelope on Match Day and discover (along with the other 200 people in the room) where they will be spending their next three to seven years.

This year's Match Day was yesterday, and I am pleased to report that my wife and I will be spending our next four (or maybe five) years here in Cincinnati. She will be at both University Hospitals-Cincinnati and Cincinnati Children's Hospital, doing residencies in both internal medicine and pediatrics (something the cool kids call "med-peds").

So this is good news. We're both very excited.

Now if only I could find a job.

MPRE

2007-03-10T11:05:00.000-05:00

I think I just failed the MPRE this morning. That would make me one of only two people I know who will have had to take it twice. The other being my esteemed blogmate, EK. See you in August, jerk.

Non-interview

2007-03-06T07:02:00.000-05:00

I have a non-interview today. Yeah, I don't know what that is either. But about a week and a half ago I sent my resume to a few firms in town, and last week I got a call from one of them. The message said something like "We don't have any positions available for graduating 3Ls right now, but we'd love for you to come down and talk to us, so we can get to know you a little bit."

Obviously I'm not going to pass up an opportunity to beg for a job, but how exactly does one prepare for a non-interview?

Two years

2007-02-27T23:55:00.000-05:00

You Can't Get Arrested for Being Awesome is officially two years old. Yay.

Don Blair doppleganger

2007-02-17T15:13:00.000-05:00

This won't make much sense to anyone not at UC Law, but I was channel surfing this afternoon and happened across a program that appeared to include our ever-popular law librarian commenting on the presidency of Benjamin Harrison. After doing a double-take, I realized wasn't Don, but the resemblance was striking enough that when he came on to comment a second time, I did it again.

The culprit was Dr. Allan Spetter, a history professor at Wright State University. These photos don't do it justice, but I can't help but wonder if they're long-lost brothers.

Rug Pee-ers Did Not Do This, Man

2007-02-10T15:13:00.000-05:00

Hi. My name is EK, I'm a cancer, and I like dolphins. I suppose I'm going to post around here from time to time, which is fun. It's not like I don't already basically write the posts around here anyhow.

OK, on with the rug peeing. I have a friend. We'll call her Suzy. Last Saturday, she went home with a boy. We'll call him Mike. Now, despite Mike's impassioned pleas for her to make out with him in the street as they were walking home from the bar, Suzy had the patience to wait until they were back at Mike's parents' house to get busy (our friend Mike, you see, is taking a "leave of absence" from college and still lives at home).

After a spirited bout of making out on the couch, during which Mike managed to misplace his pants, the two would-be love birds passed out, surely tired from all the alcohol and awkward groping. The next thing Suzy knew she woke up from an all-too real dream that she was stuck in a rainstorm to see that Mike was micturating into a cup on the table next to her. His cup ranneth over, however, and the excess was splashing everywhere: onto the blanket, the floor, and of course onto Suzy. Mortified, she told him to take it to the bathroom. He responded by falling back into the chair he was sleeping on, still pantsless and legs splayed, and passing back out. Sexy.

So, first chance she got, Suzy bolted.

Next thing she knew, he was requesting her friendship on Facebook. We were were quite amused to learn that Mr. Golden Shower had over 1000 friends, most of whom were hot women, according to his photo albums. He is supposedly graduating from Tennessee in 2007. But best of all, his interests include "forgiveness" and "distinct smells." The next day, he called her to ask her out again, but no mention of whether he advised her to bring an umbrella.

The lesson: never trust anyone from Tennessee.

Sorry

2007-02-05T19:30:00.000-05:00

Our site feed seems to be pushing through every post we've ever done. I think it's related to our switch over to the New Blogger, and it should stop soon.

Super Bowl

2007-02-04T13:19:00.000-05:00

For what it's worth, I'm rooting for the Bears today. I'm not necessarily convinced they'll win, but if I were a betting man I think I'd take the (seven) points.

Sealand is for sale!

2007-02-03T07:43:00.000-05:00

Remember Sealand? You know, the old fort that ~~Paddy Roy Bates~~ Prince Roy I took over with a helicopter 40 years ago?

Well, it's for sale.

I am officially requestion--no, demanding--that all of you New York-bound biglaw people, pinch a few pennies here and there from your newly-raised salaries, save up those monster bonuses, and buy Sealand! I will volunteer my services as its first Attorney General (assuming I can pass the Sealand bar -- oh wait, I will probably get to write it, so that shouldn't be a problem. In theory.).

Sex ed

2007-02-02T10:36:00.000-05:00

I knew Texas was a little different, but this surprises even me. Apparently in Texas you can't buy dildos except for "educational" uses, so a trip to the local sex shop results in cryptic conversations about what sort of, uh, educational demonstration you intend to perform.

The video also includes this exchange:

Customer: "And what are these used for?"

Employee: "Well these are actually, uhm, these are butt plugs."

Customer: "Butt plugs?"

Employee: "Mm hmm."

Customer: "And that's a 'demonstrator' as well?"

Employee: "No, these are just to go in the butt. . . . The anus is not defined as a sexual orifice by Texas law, so you can buy whatever you like to go there."

Narrator: "In case you're as confused as we are, here are a few of the rules: You can buy this [a dildo] as long as it's used for educational purposes. You can buy this [a vibrator] because generally a penis doesn't have a face or an animal attached to it. And you can buy this [a butt plug] because you can put anything up your butt as long as it isn't a penis."

Oh, those crazy Texans.

R.I.P., Barbaro

2007-02-01T01:10:00.000-05:00

A friend commented the other day on the passing of Barbaro:

I've been thinking about it, and I'm pretty sure I felt exactly the same when I heard Barbaro died as I did when I heard Steve Irwin got killed by a stingray.

State of the Union

2007-01-23T21:34:00.000-05:00

Yes, Virginia, this is still (sort of) a blawg, so here is commentary on the State of the Union address. A friend comments via email:

the thing that i am noticing most is nancy pelosi sitting behind W, blinking incessantly. like, 4 blinks for every dick cheney blink on the other side.

If you happen to read this while it's still on, check out the blinks, it's a little unnerving.

UPDATE: If you're not enjoying it enough already, you can play the State of the Union Drinking Game.

On offensive linemen and good football teams

2007-01-20T14:35:00.000-05:00

I am a Cleveland Browns fan. Most of you know that. Over the last eight seasons I have watched them suffer through incompetence previously known only to the Bengals. Though the defense has never been great, the offense has been downright awful. From 1999 through 2006, the Browns have finished last in total offense three times, second to last once, and in the bottom quarter of the league three more times. The lone "bright spot" was their playoff season of 2002, where they finished a decidedly-less-awful-yet-still-pretty-awful 23rd.

As bad as their quarterbacks and receivers have performed, their worst results have been on the ground--their rushing rank has been higher than their passing rank only once. They have finished last in the league in rushing once, and second to last twice. In 2005 Reuben Droughns became the first Browns player to rush for 1000 yards in a season since Earnest Byner and Kevin Mack both did it in 1985. Egads. Pointing to that ineptitude, a lot of people think the Browns will target Oklahoma running back Adrian Peterson in this year's draft. These rumors appear to be fueled in part by the speculation of the Browns beat reporter for the Cleveland Plain Dealer, who has a habit of not knowing a goddamn thing.

Other people think the Browns need a quarterback--Charlie Frye and Derek Anderson manned that position this year, but neither did it particularly well. LSU QB Jamarcus Russell and Browns GM Phil Savage are from the same town, and Russell apparently attended a camp sponsored by Savage when Russell was in junior high. Lots of observers think Russell will be gone by the time the Browns pick (many project him to the Raiders at no. 1), but are sure the Browns will select him if he's still on the board. Meanwhile, Notre Dame QB Brady Quinn has made known his desire to play in Cleveland, and many fans throughout Ohio hope the Browns select hometown boy and former Ohio State star Troy Smith (his final performance notwithstanding).

I think all of those people (the people clamoring for Adrian Peterson, Jamarcus Russell, Brady Quinn, Troy Smith--heck, some of them even want Georgia Tech WR Calvin Johnson) are crazy. I want Wisconsin OT Joe Thomas. Improve the Browns' run game, you say? Not even Jim Brown could succeed behind that porous offensive line. Droughns' best years do appear to be behind him, but bringing in a young kid to get hammered back there is a good way to ruin at least three careers (Peterson's, Savage's, and head coach Romeo Crennel's).

Get a true leader to play quarterback, you say? In the last eight seasons the Browns have tried a no. 1 overall pick (Tim Couch), a three-time Pro-Bowler (Jeff Garcia), and a former Super Bowl-winner and no. 6 overall pick (Trent Dilfer) at quarterback--not to mention a Mormon (Ty Detmer), a retread (Doug Pederson), a McCown (Luke), a hick (Kelly Holcomb), a ghetto-hick (Frye), and a guy with pontoon boats for feet (Anderson). While the second set might not impress anyone, the first set had success everywhere but Cleveland. Heck, Jeff Garcia ripped off six consecutive wins with the Eagles this year.

What's the common thread here? The offensive line. Since 1999 the Browns have slapped together an offensive line full of journeymen and unknowns, and the results have reflected that. In the last eight drafts the Browns have spent only nine picks on offensive linemen. Only three of those players are still in the league (2006 fourth-rounder Isaac Sowells, who appeared in exactly one game for the Browns this year; Jeff Faine, the Browns 2003 first-round choice, will start at C for the Saints in the NFC Championship game tomorrow after being traded on draft day last year; and Melvin Fowler, the Browns' third-round pick in 2002, who was traded to the Vikings in 2005 and now starts at C for the Bills. Faine, a pure center, and Fowler, a center-guard, were the only two of the nine who were selected on the draft's first day). To Savage's credit, he attempted to address the offensive line through free agency in the last offseason, but freak injuries (LeCharles Bentley), surprise retirements (Bob Hallen), drug suspensions (Alonzo Ephraim), and mental health issues (Ryan Tucker) negated most of his effort.

Meanwhile, the leading teams of the last ten years have invested heavily in offensive linemen in the draft. Indianapolis has selected 15 interior linemen in the last ten years, plus two tight ends. Denver has selected 11 linemen and five tight ends (two of whom were converted to tackle). The Patriots have spent 16 picks on interior linemen and an additional eight on TEs. Your 2006 leader in points scored, the San Diego Chargers, have selected 19 interior offensive linemen in the last ten drafts.

The 2005 New York Jets were 4-12--they spent two first-round picks on offensive linemen, and made the playoffs in 2006. (Yes, I know that the Jets benefitted from a ridiculously easy schedule, and really weren't as good as their record indicated, but they did make the playoffs, and now have a good line to build around.) The last decade or so is full of examples like that--Tony Boselli went no. 2 overall to Jacksonville in 1995, and they made the AFC Championship game twice in his first five years; Jonathan Ogden went no. 4 overall to Baltimore, and they won the Super Bowl in 2000; the Rams took Orlando Pace no. 1 overall in 1997 and won the Super Bowl in 1999; Walter Jones went no. 6 overall and has been a key ingredient in an offense that has produced three consecutive division titles and a Super Bowl appearance. Other, lesser-known OTs taken near the top of the draft have helped as well--Luke Petitgout went to the Giants in 1999, and they made the Super Bowl his second year; Kenyatta Walker (no. 14 in 2001) helped the Buccaneers to the playoffs in his rookie year and to a Super Bowl win in his second; Levi Jones (no. 10 in 2002) is blocking for one of the league's better offenses right now in Cincinnati; in 2003, the Panthers took Jordan Gross at no. 8 and made the Super Bowl or the NFC Championship twice in his first three seasons; that same year the Broncos selected George Foster at no. 20, and he has now blocked for four 1000-yard backs in four seasons; in 2005 the Saints selected Jammal Brown at no. 13, they are now on the verge of the Super Bowl, and he is a Pro Bowler in his second year.

In his year-end press conference last week, Savage was asked whether the Browns would address the offensive line in this year's draft. Particular emphasis was placed on the guard-center-guard positions, as they out-under-performed the others. Savage's response was diplomatic enough, and he assured those in attendance that they will do what they can to improve the team based on who is available. But then he expounded upon a long-standing belief of his that while blue-chip tackles must be taken near the top of the draft, quality guard-center-guard players can be found on the second day or as undrafted free agents.

Well, that's the sort of claim that I can't just let go without checking up on it. Considering my recent experience as a Browns fan, seeing the team all but ignore the offensive line in the draft, and their attempts to find quality players in the sixth and seventh round, I did not believe that all these quality players were just floating around out there.

So I compiled a list. I went through the depth charts for all 32 teams and identified the starter at all five line positions. I defined the starters as the player who started the most games at a given position (as opposed to the player who was starting at the end of the season). I then charted the draft position for all 64 starting tackles, and all 96 starting guard-center-guards.

As you can see, and much to my surprise, Phil Savage was right. The significant plurality (more than a third) of the starting offensive tackles in the NFL were drafted in the first round. The first and second rounders combined make up about 60% of the starters. The single biggest group of guard-center-guards, on the other hand, was the undrafted players. Almost a quarter of those were undrafted, though it's worth noting that the second-biggest group is first-rounders, and that almost half of these starters were first-day picks. Still, that means the majority of them were either second-day draft picks or not drafted at all.

Now, it has to be said that this could be the result of something like a self-fulfilling prophecy. That is, general managers believe that OTs should be taken on the first day, and that G-C-Gs should be taken on the second day (or not at all), and that's why we see the distribution as it is. I can't entirely dismiss that out of hand, but a consideration of the GMs' incentives suggests that problem might be overstated. GMs are judged according to how many games their teams win, not how many of their draft picks are in the starting lineup. While the two can be closely correlated, it's hard to imagine that, for example, many of the starting OTs are starting only because they are high draft picks; they still must play well enough to keep their spots. And because teams can bring in so many undrafted players into camp, there is typically plenty of competition.

Anyway, let's get back around to the point. Tackles at the top of the draft, G-C-Gs later or not at all. How have the Browns fared under this model? As I mentioned, the Browns have drafted only nine offensive linemen since their reincarnation. How did those break down? Two were first-day picks. Jeff Faine, in 2003, was a first-round center. That bucks the trend. Melvin Fowler, in 2002, was a third-round center-guard. That bucks the trend too, though not as egregiously. Of the seven players drafted on the second day, four were tackles and three were guards (in the guard total I have included Isaac Sowells, the 2006 fourth-rounder who played tackle in college but has worked almost exclusively at guard with the Browns). According to the handy-dandy little graph above, very few of the second-day tackles are likely to develop into starting tackles in the NFL, arguably making them wasted picks.

The Browns cannot afford to waste more picks. (Many of their non-o-line picks of the last eight years have been wasted as well, but that's a story for another day.) Joe Thomas, if he's available, represents a great opportunity for the Browns to get back on the right track toward building a respectable offense, both on the ground and through the air. I'm not saying that he's their ticket to the Super Bowl, but few teams have managed to get there without a passable offensive line. It's time the Browns started trying.

Back to school

2007-01-15T23:19:00.000-05:00

Winter break is over, and it's back to school tomorrow. I've enjoyed my few weeks off, and I think I might get back to blogging soon. At the very least, I will have a post about offensive linemen in the NFL draft coming in the near future. So you all can look forward to that. After that, who knows?

Exam time

2006-12-20T08:57:00.000-05:00

Why is it that, now that our Evidence exam is here, all these people have decided to relocate to different seats from where they were the whole semester? Even the ones who weren't cramped by other students. Yes, I'm talking to you, Girl Whose Pants Are Too Tight, and Girl I've Never Seen Before. This is very inconvenient to me, and I do not appreciate it.

That was really not fair

2006-12-13T17:20:00.000-05:00

You know, exams are stressful enough without having your computer crash the day before your first one, causing you to lose your outline and several days' worth of class notes. Fortunately I take most of my notes by hand, and have been able to fill in the missing days with a classmate's help. And I'll be able to use my wife's computer for the exam. But the outline is still gone, and that computer has been known to freeze if it comes unplugged, and those are just two little stressers I did not need. Dammit.

CBS needs to fire all of its announcers

2006-12-10T13:24:00.000-05:00

All of them.

The following exchange just happened in the Bengals game when they showed a sideline shot of Marvin Lewis:

Play-by-play guy: "Bengals owner Mike Brown made his best decision ever when he hired that guy right there."

Color guy: "To use a sports analogy, he hit a homerun with that one."

a) "To use a sports analogy"? Like anyone watching a football game doesn't know that "homerun" is a sports term?
b) Technically, that was a metaphor.
c) And since, you know, it's a football game, why not try using a football metaphor?

A night on the town

2006-12-08T12:31:00.000-05:00

Fun: Running into an attorney you used to work with at the bar while celebrating the end of classes.

Awkward: Realizing that said attorney is completely wasted on a Thursday night.

Really awkward: Being introduced to the attorney's friend, who says "[Name], alright, nice to meet you." And then turns to the attorney you used to work with and immediately says, "Hey, [Attorney], it's your turn to pack a bowl."

It's not what you know, it's who you know

2006-11-27T21:01:00.000-05:00

And I know a lot of very smart people. For example, today's roundup at SCOTUSblog links to an article written by Joe Brunner, who happens to be a classmate of mine. Congratulations, Joe.

Go Buckeyes!

2006-11-19T01:05:00.000-05:00

Big day for football. My beloved Buckeyes beat the hated Michigan squad, and afterward I went with two friends to see UC take on Rutgers. When we decided to go earlier in the week we thought we'd be scouting out a potential national championship game participant ( n.b., not a possible national champion--don't be ridiculous). We had no idea it would turn into our first-ever experience rushing the field. (I'm pretty sure, though, that my buddy and I were the only people to do it while wearing wedding rings. Probably getting too old for things like that.)

Anyway, can you believe that they actually dismantled the goalposts before the game was over? I was bummed.

Oh, and also, this makes for a pretty ridiculous BCS picture, doesn't it? I'm pretty sure that Michigan is the only team that has any shot-- at all--of beating Ohio State any time soon. Then again, that game might not have been that close if not for the bizarre OSU turnovers on the bad snaps. Those led to 10 late points, and even with that Michigan never really legitimately threatened to tie or take the lead at any point after the first quarter.

What do you call the guy who finished last in his class at med school? "Doctor."

2006-11-16T16:29:00.000-05:00

My wife is in the midst of interviewing for medical residencies. The hospitals usually host a reception dinner for out-of-town interviewees the night before the all-day interview. This gives the candidates a chance to get acquainted with the residents, and prevents them from having to sit around in a hotel room all by themselves.

At one such dinner on Tuesday night, one of the residents related the following tale from his interviewing experience. According to him, in some cities sitting around in the hotel room all by yourself isn't particularly terrible. One hospital puts its candidates up in a very posh hotel downtown -- and in one of its suites, not just in any old room. The suites apparently have a lounge space with a couch and television, a kitchenette, and French doors separating the living space from the bedroom and bathroom.

At breakfast the morning of the interview, the program director greeted the candidates with the usual pleasantries -- "Good to see you again! How did you sleep?" and so on. One candidate, looking a bit disheveled, piped up that he just didn't sleep very well at all, and was very disappointed with his room. Thinking there must have been a mistake, and feeling very embarrassed, the director replied, "Oh, I'm very sorry -- you were supposed to be in a suite. Was the room inadequate?"

"Yeah," the student replied. "When you walked in there was a kitchen right there, which was nice, but then there was just a couch and a TV. There wasn't even a bed or bathroom -- I had to groom myself over the kitchen sink!"

Needless to say, the genius who didn't think to open the French doors to find the bedroom and bathroom did not get a residency with that hospital.

Shut down?

2006-11-06T10:51:00.000-05:00

Obviously I haven't been in the blogging spirit lately, and Tre disappeared months ago. We'll probably just let this thing die. Which is a shame, I guess -- this blog has a long tradition of existence to its reader. I dunno. I'll think it over.

True or false?

2006-10-25T23:00:00.000-04:00

True or false? It is a dick move when someone for whom you really want to work calls you up personally to tell you that you are not getting the job.

Goooooooooooooooooaaaaallllll!

2006-10-21T11:36:00.000-04:00

My wife plays in a rec soccer league with her friends from medical school. Today was the last game of the season, and they only had 8 players. (Apparently, you need 11 to field a soccer team.)

So they found me an extra pair of shoes and gloves, I changed from my jeans into borrowed warm-up pants on the sidelines, and stuck me in goal. I am 24, and I have not played soccer since I was 6. And I played goal maybe once then.

We lost, 5-1. Embarrassing.

A startling discovery

2006-10-12T11:13:00.000-04:00

Normally I sit near the front of class, because in college I learned the hard way that when I sit in the back I don't pay any attention at all. Today I was running a few minutes late, so I grabbed a spot in the back of class so as not to disrupt anything.

I can't read anything on the PowerPoint projector. This is most unsettling.

Best way to be rejected by a firm

2006-10-11T17:24:00.000-04:00

An email from a classmate reads as follows:

[Nye!],

I was lucky enough to receive your rejection letter from [Firm]. They enjoyed meeting with you, but because they can only hire one person, they cannot extend second interviews to all qualified candidates. Any chance you have mine?

[Classmate]

That's top-notch, don't you think?

AWOL

2006-10-05T23:55:00.000-04:00

Taking off for three days to visit my buddy who is on leave from Afghanistan. I guess maybe I lied about things picking up mid-week. Sorry.

"Smell that, Rabbit?" [sniff sniff] "Fear."

2006-10-02T12:53:00.000-04:00

We were out of soap in the shower this morning, so I had to wash myself with one of those loofa body-wash thingies.

I smell like pomegranate martini. Ironhead Heyward would be proud.

You can't get arrested for being too busy to blog

2006-09-28T22:54:00.000-04:00

It's true.

Things should pick back up middle of next week.

Two college football notes

2006-09-23T15:53:00.000-04:00

First, I want to reiterate that the new clock rules are stupid. They shorten the game at the expense of exciting games. Georgia just scored a TD with 46 seconds left to take the lead by 1. Under the old rules, Colorado would have gotten the ball somewhere in the neighborhood of their own 30 with about 40 seconds left (assuming that UGA would have squibbed because the clock would start on the receiving team's touch). Instead, Georgia kicked it deep, it was returned to the 20, and by the time Colorado ran their first play there was only 30 seconds left. After a sack, a spike, and a delay of game, they had only one more shot down the field. In other words, they got two plays off under this system where they might realistically have gotten 6 under the old one. How do these rules benefit everyone again? Isn't the idea to entertain the fans?

Second, during the Michigan-Wisconsin game they showed the old UM commercial which starts with a picture of Earth from somewhere out in space. Three names pop up in the corner, one by one, all Colonels. Then we see "APOLLO 15" on the screen, as an orbiting spacecraft comes into the picture. Then "An all U of M crew" splashes across the screen, and you can hear "Hail to the Victors" playing softly as the craft floats in front of Earth and passes out of view.

Obvious message -- U of M people are smart.

Message that smart people take away from it -- U of M people are still not smart enough to know that sound does not travel in space.

Go Buckeyes!

$185 million?

2006-09-22T09:11:00.000-04:00

Just heard on SportsCenter that $185 million has been spent renovating the Louisiana Superdome. I don't know where that money has come from, but how on Earth is that justifiable? Aren't people still living in trailers? Aren't entire schools still shut down? For crying out loud, mail delivery was just restarted to a good chunk of the city in July. How many times per year does the Superdome get used? Twenty? Fifty?

I wonder what The Sports Economists would say about this.

Welcome to the 21st century

2006-09-21T00:19:00.000-04:00

I am getting digital cable on Thursday. I don't even really watch TV, but this makes me feel very grown up.

Poll question

2006-09-16T14:47:00.000-04:00

A few days ago I finished class at 11, and started eating my lunch -- I had skipped breakfast and was quite hungry. So as I'm sitting there eating my two pieces of cold homemade pizza, a friend comes in and chastises me: "What on Earth are you doing eating pizza for breakfast?"

There are two problems here. First, eleven o'clock is not really breakfast time anymore, and even though it was in fact my first meal of the day, if you come across someone eating at the law school at 11 a.m., you should assume they're just eating (an admittedly early) lunch, right? Second, and more importantly, when the hell did cold pizza become an unacceptable breakfast food? Until Thursday I was under the impression that every person in the whole wide world has at some point eaten cold pizza for breakfast. Or at minimum anyone who has ever been to college. But no, this guy thinks I'm the weird one here.

So I put it to you, dear readers. Cold pizza -- delicious breakfast food? Or victual of heathens?

Never had cold pizza for breakfast, good grief. Just another reason why Michigan sucks.

Well then

2006-09-13T22:44:00.000-04:00

You know you're not getting the job when they misspell your name--which is only three letters long--on the envelope. Ouch.

More NFL news

2006-09-10T20:21:00.000-04:00

Hey, did you guys know that this Sunday night game pits the Manning brothers against each other? Huh. You'd think we would have heard more about this.

NFL news

2006-09-09T15:32:00.000-04:00

Steelers sign Najeh Davenport, hamper shitter.

(Hat tip: The Electric Commentary)

Blogstorm attempt numero uno, part deux (or something)

2006-09-06T19:57:00.000-04:00

I blogged yesterday about how awful the new clock rules are in college football. Turns out there's a great petition site out there -- check it out: http://wehatethenewclockrules.com/.

Blogstorm attempt numero dos

2006-09-06T14:52:00.000-04:00

Those of you here in Cincinnati know what this guy's talking about -- Time Warner sucks.

New rules

2006-09-05T09:14:00.000-04:00

I keep hearing about the power of the internet and how bloggers are changing the world. Well, consider this the start of the blogosphere groundswell revolution thingy, if there isn't one already, to repeal the clock rule changes in NCAA football. I mean, how awful is this approach? Take last night's FSU-Miami game for example. Nobody wants to see Miami have to take timeouts after a punt to stop the clock before first down. These new rules are completely changing the complexion of close games. It is now completely impossible to punt away the ball late in a game and prevent the play-clock run-off on each of your opponent's downs. The result isn't just shorter games (and don't even get me started on which idiot decided shorter games was a good thing), it's less compelling games. Can you imagine how that FSU-Miami game might have been different last night if Miami didn't have to let the clock run off an extra 25 seconds after third down on FSU's last series? I mean, ultimately we probably still would have seen Kyle Wright throwing an interception, but it would have been a less hurried interception. I just -- aarrgh! You know? Ridiculous.

Go Cougars!

2006-09-02T23:26:00.000-04:00

When you get to be an old man like me, [1] you have to live vicariously through others. So just to let you know, I will be doing that all football season, living vicariously through my friend who plays football at BYU. Yes, I know I blogged about this last year when I went to see him play at Notre Dame. Yes, I know that none of you care about Mountain West football. But the Cougars will be on TV now and then in my neck of the woods, so I will periodically be updating you on his progress. In case you care to watch, he is no. 48—Andrew Stacey. He's an OLB by trade, but you're more likely to spot him on special teams (he's on the punt, punt return, and kickoff return teams at the moment).

Anyway, he has been on TV a lot so far, including a nice shot about six seconds long doing that Samoan dance in the pre-game.

So yeah. That's what I'm doing on this Saturday night.

[1] Full disclosure—I am only 24.

Laguna Beach Top Quotes of the Night

2006-08-30T22:47:00.000-04:00

Kami and Kendra crashing Rocky's party:

Kami: We're goin to crash a party!
Kendra: I just just don't want her to think that she can come to my and that would be ok.
Kami: (matter of factly) Well of course she can't.
Kendra: You know what, that's why I feel bad, because of someone did this to me, oh my god.
Kami: We're not crashing a party, we're just merely showing up uninvited.

Cameron and Jessica leaving dinner:

Jessica: Would you be sad if I died?
Cameron: I'd probably just call up Kendra

Overheard in Law School in honor of Nye

2006-08-30T13:45:00.000-04:00

3L: i can feel pizza rumbling around in my belly
2L: i just took a crap that could choke a donkey, haha...that was funny
3L: have you ever crapped in a donkey's mouth? It takes more than you would think

Time to shake off the dust

2006-08-28T10:08:00.000-04:00

So I was attempting to retire from blogging, but we're back in school, and school is not the same for me without YCGAfBA. Tear. So I'll try to get back on the horse using the baby steps method. So today's will be short, and mostly unfunny.

I remember 1L year, when everyone got here an hour before classes started, furiously rereading cases before class, hoping not to get called on, but still generally excited to be here.

Then there was 2L year, we showed up late for class, added and dropped until we got a schedule that fit with our work schedule and still let us sleep in one or two days a week, and generally didn't really care to be back.

Then there is 3L year, and I quote: "Man, it is pouring outside, I don't think I can come to class in this."

Welcome back.

So much for modesty

2006-08-27T15:53:00.000-04:00

A friend of a friend says:

"Embarrasment never occured to me when people tried to bust in on me...a friend of my ex's did that a lot, so one day after my ex came in my mouth, I chased his friend around with it. That nipped it in the bud."

You'r an idiot

2006-08-26T08:15:00.000-04:00

Sign spotted at the Steelers-Eagles preseason game Friday night in Philadelphia, held up by two fans in Eagles jerseys and motorcycle helmets, in big green letters:

BIG BEN -- DON'T FORGET YOU'R HELMET.

I don't think that really comes through. Let me try again:

Big Ben -- don't forget Y-O-U-apostrophe-R helmet.

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

On the other hand, as a friend points out, "I have to hand it to 'em. I thought I had seen all the possible ways to screw up the permutations of 'your.' This is new and creative."

Aww, aren't the 1Ls cute?

2006-08-23T13:19:00.000-04:00

Overheard this morning:

1L girl: "No, I think I'm going to the library. I need to read Mayberry v. Mathison."

Blogger trouble?

2006-08-22T23:57:00.000-04:00

Am I the only one who can't log in to Blogger? Come to think of it, I haven't been able to log in since they announced the new Blogger Beta like a week ago. These posts are coming to you via email, and that works OK. But it's annoying.

Overheard in the card aisle

2006-08-20T19:28:00.000-04:00

A couple shopping for a birthday card:

Woman: "Happy birthday, and many, many more."
Man: "What? No. 'Many, many more'? Listen, she's ninety-two, and nobody wants her to make it to ninety-three."
Woman: "Hm, you're right. How about this one? 'Peace for your soul, joy for your spirit, love for your heart. Inside--May these things be yours, especially today.'"
Man: "That's not bad. It doesn't say say 'we love you' anywhere in it. Isn't there one that just says 'it's your birthday'?"
Woman: "Not that I can see. Maybe we can make a custom one."
Man: "No way am I spending an extra two dollars on this. Let's just get that last one. She won't read it anyway."

Done and done

2006-08-17T21:41:00.000-04:00

Today was my last day at The Job. Happy to be done, I have to say. Oddly enough, the last two days were the best of the entire summer, and not just because I was looking forward to being finished. Finally got around to a pretty interesting project--wrote an appellate brief on a very boring issue which I really liked. Now that is something I could do for a living.

Class starts on Tuesday. I presume that means there will be more procrastination to be done, which means more blogging. I guess we'll see.

Reap what you sow

2006-08-12T01:39:00.000-04:00

I do not exactly have what you'd call a green thumb. Where I grew up, we tried to put together a garden, but it would inevitably get eaten by deer or run over by the center fielder in our side-yard baseball/kickball/whiffleball games. So when we planted 11 tomato plants, 1 cucumber, and 5 pepper plants this spring, I thought maybe we'd get a couple of meals out of it. Well, today we pulled off about 15 pounds of tomatoes, and now I expect to do so about every week for the next month or so, maybe more. We've got cucumbers the size of my . . . arm, and plenty of peppers to boot. Lyco would be proud.

So, I guess my point is, if any of you need tomatoes (mostly roma, but some other ones too), I am your man.

Not a very blogtastic week in my world. Sorry.

Did I ever tell you . . .

2006-08-05T16:14:00.000-04:00

that my childhood dream was to become a fighter pilot in the Air Force?

Yeah, I gave up on that in about second grade when my friend told me on the bus that in the Air Force you have to make your bed every day.

My background in the sciences is really paying off

2006-07-29T16:41:00.000-04:00

I will spare you the details of why I'm looking forward to the end of the summer, but I should acknowledge that I'm not totally wasting my time or anything. I'm learning a lot, including how to sneak things like this into motions I'm writing.

(Background: The Ohio Rules of Civil Procedure require parties to make a good-faith effort to negotiate any discovery conflicts before moving the court for either a protective order or an order to compel discovery. In this particular case we had been served with requests for production, and had responded that the documentation was not within our possession, custody, or control, but that we would supply it as soon as it became available from the appropriate party. Without bothering to call us for an explanation, the opposing party moved to compel. This is part of my response.)

Moreover, the Motion should be denied because Plaintiff is not required to produce documents which are outside its possession, custody, or control. See Oh. R. Civ. P. 34(A) ("Any party may serve . . . a request to produce . . . documents . . . that are in the possession, custody, or control of the party upon whom the request is served."). Plaintiff is also unable to produce said documents because in addition to being bound by the laws of the State of Ohio, Plaintiff is further bound by the law of conservation of matter, and cannot conjure documents out of nothingness. See Wikipedia, Law of conservation of matter, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Law_of_conservation_of_matter (last visited July 28, 2006). In deference to the laws of nature, Plaintiff will provide the documentation as soon as it is physically able to do so.

Countdown

2006-07-24T23:38:00.000-04:00

Typically I'm not one for countdowns, as I think when you focus on getting through to a particular point in time you often do so to the exclusion of other important things--after all, we only have something like 25,000 days on this mortal coil, right?

But . . .

We're looking at 17 days, max, left at this job. So there's that.

Fun with footnotes

2006-07-20T08:22:00.000-04:00

Alright, maybe I'll blog a little more. But before long you may find me on a new blog or two, with a few extra people to lighten the load and provide you with the brilliant commentary you love so dearly.

I'm brushing up my law review paper before it goes to through the publication process, and this may be one of my last chances to add any footnotes. I am proposing adding the following, but am open to suggestions:

Well-established canons of jurisprudence—such as the Ashwander Rules [178]—require courts to avoid deciding constitutional issues when a case can be disposed of on non-constitutional grounds. [179]

[178]. . . . .

[179]. Commentators often refer to this refusal to decide constitutional questions as a "punt," meaning that the Court shirked its duties by taking what is perceived as the easy way out. See, e.g, Linda S. Mullenix, Another Easy Case, Some More Bad Law: Carnival Cruise Lines and Contractual Personal Jurisdiction, 27 Tex. Int'l L.J. 323, 339 n.91 (1992). The author objects to the use of the term "punt" as a pejorative. In football, the punt is an important tool for improving field position and preventing the opponent from scoring. Henceforth, the author proposes to use the term "icing." In hockey, icing occurs when a team clears the puck from its defensive end across three lines, including the opposing goal line. Play is stopped, and the puck is returned to the end from which it came for a face-off in front of the goal. See NHL Rulebook 123-24 (2005-06 ed.), available at http://www.nhlofficials.com/images/Rules085-176.pdf (last visited July 19, 2006). This situation is much more like a court taking the easy way out than a punt in that it only delays the inevitable—before long, the puck/issue is back in front of the goal/court for another face-off/trial.

By the way

2006-07-16T17:41:00.000-04:00

Thinking about not blogging anymore. (And no, this is not any sort of plea for attention.) I mean, Tre has already flown the coop, if you hadn't noticed. I'm sort of just hanging around here for no good reason. Seems something of a shame to disappoint our loyal reader though.

Step 1: recognizing that you have a problem

2006-07-16T12:22:00.000-04:00

It is official. Despite my protestations and insistence to the contrary, I am addicted to coffee. I have been awake for six hours, and yet I cannot clear the cobwebs from my brain because I haven't had my morning joe. This is a problem.

More news from The City

2006-07-06T21:15:00.000-04:00

A friend writes:

So, this happy little incident occurred at the subway station where I catch the train pretty much every day, not two blocks from my apartment. Although it's hard to pick out my favorite part, I think I have to go with the fact that the suspect was "possibly carrying a teddy bear." Have you ever read a more surreal sentence? Did the teddy bear tell him to do it, laughing maniacally like Chucky? How was he even carrying it if he was "wielding a saw in each hand?" Just a little taste of NYC.

I am speechless. I am without speech.

On the World Cup

2006-07-05T20:43:00.000-04:00

An email:

France 1-0 Portugal! It's too bad Germany lost or we could stage the Final as a WWII reenactment -- Germany could jump out to like a 4-0 lead in the first half and the French would give up like the cheese-eating surrender monkeys we all know and love. Then the American team would volunteer to play the second half, whoop some serious flarkin ass, win 5-4, beat japan for good measure, and go on to be the world's only soccer power. Then, 50 years later, we would get sniped by a group of rogue soccer players from no discernable nation, we'd elect an Idiot coach, perhaps Bill Parcells, and would engage the rogue soccer players in games that didn't resemble the soccer of yesteryear at all. The French would refuse to help, yet would claim that they won the '06 Cup outright, and we'd still make fun of them.

And the reply:

Well done. But your forget that in the meantime we would have an intense soccer rivalry with Russia where we would refuse to ever play them while designing increasingly sophisticated cleats, balls, and shinguards which we would spend half of our GDP on. The American squad would come in as a sub for the French squad who themselves were subbing for a Vietnamese squard in a match against another bunch of Vietnamese who were using a Russian playbook. That would be a scoreless game. After a few more years of refusing to play the Russians, during which time an Afghanistan soccer team using surplus US jerseys beat a farm-league team from Russia in a pick-up game. In the end we would declare ourselves the winners of the Russia US soccer rivalry. At that point we would all agree that perhaps we have too many soccer balls and make Russia decommission theirs while trying to keep north Korea from developing goal-scoring technologies.

Sign in a parking garage

2006-06-28T06:28:00.000-04:00

More news from firm life

2006-06-26T13:45:00.000-04:00

Once again, news from Big Law:

So here's some good summer associate gossip. One of the girls I work with has a good friend who is a summer at Paul Hastings LA office and apparently witnessed this first hand. I think, though I'm not sure exactly, that this took place Tuesday night.

So they were having a firm sponsored happy hour. You know the drill. One of the summer associates apparently got out of his gourd wasted. He goes to USC (figures), and was reported to be a very quiet and polite Indian guy. Not this night though. A very well liked senior associate was there with his pretty, blonde, fiance. The summer associate starts to say really loudly and angrily about how he would like to F*** her. Everyone around, including the associate can hear this. He keeps going, despite people trying to shut him up and is extremely vulgar and profane. Eventually the associate whose fiance this is comes up to him and tells him that he understands that he is drunk, but he should really just keep it down because he's making a scene. Very nice way of dealing with the situation, considering. Instead of shutting up at this point, the summer associate goes off. Things along the line of "you don't F****ing know me you F****" and apparently threatened to stab the associate. Yeah.

So the next day he has the balls to show up at work, only to find that his desk has been cleared out, his carpets all freshly vacumed, etc. Done for.

I've heard of people not getting offers, but never straight up fired in the middle of the summer. Can you imagine? How will he ever work again? He's going to have to become a sole practicioner in Oklahoma...

Hiatus from blogging, life

2006-06-16T20:37:00.000-04:00

Taking off for a week. Tre will get you through to the other side, I'm sure.