Friday, March 31, 2006

Moving

So I'm moving tomorrow, but it's a Friday, so I got the apartment key from my new landlord tonight. This means I have a completely empty apartment tonight. I attempted to persuade a few of my friends to sit around, drink, and play cards in the new place before going out tonight. I had always seen this as somewhat of a rite of passage. If you have an empty apartment, you drink in it, that's just what you do. However, my "new" law school friends are above this, apparently. It's extremely disappointing. I hope my new apartment isn't offended by their rebuff. I guess it's solitaire and solitary drinking.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Need to kill a few minutes?

This is my latest time-waster. I like comb-over, dreaming, and mustached.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Buy stuff

So, we've been busy lately. Hence the general lack of blogging. And even though we've just had spring break here, not much got done, and we've got a lot coming up in short order.

Not to sound like a complainy-pants or anything, but we have come to adopt "I (heart) stress" as the official motto of You Can't Get Arrested for Being Awesome. We've taken to IMing it to each other to remind ourselves that law school is easy. And fun.

Well, now you can buy crap junk cool stuff with the official motto of YCGAFBA. Tell your friends.

The official t-shirt of You Can't Get Arrested for Being Awesome

Monday, March 27, 2006

Adverse, MY ASS

I'd just like to point out that Nye tried to make a witty comment to me about "Adverse Possessing" the blog due to my recent inactivity. However, including this post, THAT'S THREE POSTS IN A ROW BABY! Adverse, my ass, Mr. Nye, adverse my ass. Don't get cute and say you will possess my ass, that is not funny.

I'd like to apologize to the tens of tens of people that read this blog. I've been trying to loose weight, and been a little successful. Everyone knows that skinny people just aren't funny. People will look at skinny people even if they aren't funny. People will not look at fat people unless they make them laugh. Therefore, there is an obvious inverse relationship between fatness and funniness, which completely explains this post. Doh!

Don't worry, Nye still makes it dinner every night. He's married, he doesn't have to worry about crap like this anymore.

Note: I am still fat, don't try to post comments saying "it's not working, ha ha ha." I'm talking to you, Freebird.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

A quickie...

...which will no doubt leave you unsatisfied, but anyway.

I was sitting around the dinner table with a couple girls who were still in undergrad (supervised, don't worry). The techno song "Call on Me" starting playing on the computer, and one of the undergraders remarked that this was "her song" over spring break. She then let us know how she loved it when it came on in the club. I'm guessing every guy in the club enjoyed it when her song came on as well. Her version of the lyrics? "Come on me, come on me, COME ON ME." I can't think of any reason for guys to like this.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

I have no job

Dear Sirs:

It is obvious that the qualifications listed on my resume fall dreadfully short of what you are seeking in summer associates for this year. Therefore, I’ve decided to supplement my resume with the following letter, extrapolating a number of accomplishments and qualities that I did not delineate on my resume:

First, I’d like you to know that I have never been convicted, nor even accused, of a violent sexual offence. To my knowledge, there are no outstanding restraining orders pending against me. You will not need to spend any of your valuable time or resources defending me from various criminal charges. This should be a definite plus.

I have been known to watch Law and Order for 12 hours straight.

I’m somewhat interested in practicing immigration law. I have some prior experience in the field. I have guided over 300 families to the Wilamette Valley at the end of the Oregon Trail. While other associates may know how to make many very difficult decisions in various legal fields, I can guarantee that no one knows better when to ford the Green River or to caulk our wagon and float it across. No one, NO ONE, dies of dysentery on my watch.

My skill set is not limited to the area of immigration law. I’ve also been very successful in regards to business and commercial law. I cannot tell you how many red, white, and blue popsicles I bought with the proceeds from my lemonade stand. As a young child, I already knew the ways of the business world and diversified my clientele by offering not only lemonade, but also grape drink. I would be willing to run a similar stand for you and the other partners if hired this summer. My gumption will not be denied.

I have never cried during a game of baseball.

My dedication to “getting the job done” is tireless. I routinely eat boxes of Kroger cookies in one sitting. No milk. Not only does this speak to my pertinacity, but also to my ability to survive a nuclear winter. Imagine as all your “healthy” summer interns whither away and die during nuclear fallout. I would not only survive, but strive, on the stores of energy from my cookie habit. Thus, I would be infinitely more productive than any intern you have hired already. Thank you, oatmeal raisin.

I was named one of the top 20 “young power hitters” by Cincinnati Softball. If the firm’s summer league team is dragging, I’m an instant pick-me-up. Although I played in a regular poker game with Al Conte, I have never tested positive for any performance enhancing drugs. I mean, unless you count Kroger cookies as performance enhancing.

If you haven’t been swayed yet, let me leave you with this: I once ate 26 tacos in 30 minutes. The list goes on and on, from my success in defeating the Purple Troggle from Number Munchers to my wealth of knowledge in regards to the Saved by the Bell series. If I have not been hired in another few weeks, I’ll make sure to provide more incentive for my potential employers.

Godspeed,
Tre

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Weather

I've got to hand it to the local weathermen -- they finally got one right. On Saturday night they started obstructing my television with winter warnings for overnight Monday, predicting 2 to 5 inches of snow and freezing rain. Normally when this happens we get a dusting, something like a quarter- to half-inch. So imagine my surprise when I woke up two a respectable two inches on the ground today. It almost covers my grass.

For those of you keeping track at home, that's Cincinnati Weathermen 1, Nye 57.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

I have no idea what to say about this

For those of you who miss the Winter Olympics already -- Evgeni Plushenko, men's figure skating gold medalist. (Video, with sound.)

Friday, March 17, 2006

Hail to the Chief

Congratulations are due to Tre, who was just elected President of the Student Bar Association for the 2006-07 year. One of the most impressive planks in his platform was his promise to uphold the great tradition of presidents from the UC College of Law, and get fat enough to be stuck in a bathtub like Wm. Howard Taft. (I've heard rumblings that there is a Taft biopic in the works, by the way, in which the 27th President will be played by John Goodman.)
Also, henceforth Tre will change his blogger name to Mr. President.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Amanda Hugginkiss

The gym teacher at my elementary school is named Mike Mikes. I have a distant relative who named her daughter (or son maybe, I don't even know) Sirius. I knew a guy once who named his dog Deeohgee (think about it).
But this takes the cake for worst name ever.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Happy Pi Day

Seeing as how most of the law schools out there are on spring break, and therefore no one is reading this blog right now [Ed. note: right now?] this is all the effort you get -- a link to a song listing 150 digits of pi. I'm no math expert, but I think she's off actually.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Choose your own adventure

I don't even know what to say about this.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Joke of the day

Courtesy of a forward received by my lovely wife, a doctor-to-be, from one of her classmates:

"Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

"I know you can't, I cut off your arms."

Hot damn, those med students know how to have a good time.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Rock out with your cock out

My brother is quite a creative fellow, and he likes to write short stories. From time to time he likes to get a little quirky and fill his tales with song titles, much the way lesser men might fill their conversations with sexual innuendo. To that end, he is asking for the help of you, our dear readers .

So what's in your iPod? Which bands are you rocking out to? Leave them in the comments, or drop a line over at his blog. Pete-Nye thanks you.

Second-best footnote of all time

The first, of course, was about the snitch bitch hoe.

But any federal judge that cites Billy Madison [PDF] is OK in my book.

Hat tip: Negligent Use of a Dangerous Mind.

Monday, March 06, 2006

The UC GAFBAs

Last night, the Oscars honored those individuals who have made movie theatre-going enjoyable over the last year. Today, I will honor those who have made my life more enjoyable over the last few months. Think about which one is more important. Without further ado, here are the UC GAFBAs (U Can't Get Arrested For. . . think about it, idiot):

Best Actor in a supporting role: The award goes to Mr. M. for his role in "Let's Split a Cab"

Mr. M, when taking a cab home from the bar realized he was short on cash. He had the cabbie stop at an ATM near his house. While he was getting cash, a random girl joined him in the cab. She asked if she could split a cab home with him and he acquiesced (think you know where this is going? You're wrong). On the way home the girl began to throw up in her mouth, Mr. M grabbed her by the hair, flung the door of the minivan cab open and held her head out the cab while she vomited all over Linwood Ave. The cabbie didn't even slow down.

Best Editing: The award goes to Mr. Hollywood. for "Revisionist History"

Hollywood: "Yeah, we were so tired, we just kept moping around Millions all night."
Tre: "Moping?"
Hollywood: "Yeah, OK, substitute the 'M' in moping with a 'G' and an 'R' and that's more like it."

Best Actress in a supporting role: The award goes to Ms. W for her role in "Crim Law Discussion: Rape"

When our prof asked the question as to whether or not simply saying "no" would be enough to remove prior consent Ms. W responded with her now famous retort:
"I don't think so, because come on, you know sometimes you're saying 'no, no, no' when you really mean 'yes, yes, yes."

Best Original Screenplay: Come on, you know it goes to Nye and Tre for "You Can't Get Arrested for Being Awesome"

Two of the wittiest, funniest guys in law school, we really deserve this. Not only are we hilarious, but we're also really, really good looking. Not to pat myself on the back, but pat, pat, pat.

Best Actor in a leading role: Mr. Professor for his role in "Classroom Quotes"

See previous blogs about classroom quotes: 1 & 2.

I'm working on the rest of the awards, check back later in the week for the rest of the first ever UC GAFBAs, including the dramatic conclusion where the 'Best Picture' UC GAFBA will be awarded. In the meantime, feel free to nominate people for the remaining awards.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

You can't get arrested for taking over a fort by helicopter

In fact, if you pick the right fort, not only will you not get arrested by whomever owns the fort, you will be recognized as an independent sovereign nation.

In 1967 a feller by the name of Paddy Roy Bates -- I'm sorry, Prince Roy I -- flew out to an abandoned anti-aircraft site about six miles off the coast of England in the English Channel, claiming the abandoned British emplacement as a sovereign nation based upon his own interpretation of international law. Rather than eject Prince Roy and his family or just ignore them altogether, in 1968 British courts dismissed a case against Prince Roy's son ("His Royal Highness Prince Michael") of firing upon a navel vessel, claiming that they lacked jurisdiction.

I tell you, the Brits are suckers.

Ever since then the UK has disavowed any responsibility for anything that has gone on at this fort, now known as Sealand. They looked the other way when the "Prime Minister" of Sealand and a group of his buddies staged a coup in 1978, holding Prince Michael hostage while Prince Roy was away. Upon learning of the takeover attempt, Prince Roy got himself a helicopter, hired some mercs, and retook the fortress. He even held the former occupiers as prisoners of war, and charged one of them (a German man with a Sealand passport -- yes, Sealand has passports) with treason. He made the Germans send an ambassador to negotiate the release, and claimed that their doing so constituted de facto recognition of Sealand's sovereignty. The Germans are suckers too.

Today Sealand is occupied by representatives of Prince Michael, and hosts a whole lot of internet porn. The Sealand "government" apparently takes a modest rake and lets almost anyone run their data through the Sealand network. It's a veritable cash cow.

Some time in mid-to-late 2007 (after we graduate and pass the bar) Tre and I are going to be borrowing (renting? stealing?) a helicopter and attempting to take over the William Howard Taft statue outside the back door of the law school. We will call it Taftonia, and we will run an internet gambling site from his rotund belly. Just try and stop us.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Vote for Jeef

We just had the elections for the editorial board of the Law Review, and let's just say that there's a pretty good reason I was not elected Editor-in-Chief. Yeah, I threw my hat in the proverbial ring, wrote my statement of interest, kissed buttons and handed out babies. And with only a few hours until the election I still had almost eleven dollars in the Nye for Editor fund. No sense letting that go to waste.

I swung by Wal-Mart and picked up a "Vote for Pedro" t-shirt (cost, $10.64; funds remaining, $0.17) and grabbed a red Sharpie off my desk. I crossed out Pedro and proceeded to write my name below it. Then I put it on, and threw my dress shirt and coat and tie over top (I was coming from an interview) and headed back to the law school. Once the election meeting started I very casually took off my jacket and loosened my tie ("boy, it's hot in here, isn't it?"), unbuttoned the sleeves and pulled off my shirt, very casually, and just sit back and waited to see who would notice.

A few people noticed, and laughed, and eventually it spread around the room. Everyone was pointing and laughing and having a good time. But there was a problem. See, my name is Jeff. But in my effort to get the name centered on the shirt, I first drew a big blocky E between the second and third letters in Pedro, and then said to myself, "OK, just do the same thing on the other side." And so I drew another E.

Let me say that again. My name is Jeff. J-E-F-F. I made one E, and then I made another. Well, what could I do at that point? So I just wrote on the J and the F and hoped no one would notice.

They noticed.

So there I am, with my own name misspelled on a shirt that I made. Took a great idea that might have garnered me at least a few sympathy votes and totally blew it. I'm sure I didn't get a single one.

Maybe the worst part about it was that as I was standing there and everyone was laughing about it, someone handed me a bottle of white-out. That had not even occurred to me. I have a bottle sitting on my desk at home, right next to the red Sharpie. And still I came to the elections with a shirt that said "Vote for Jeef." I'm an idiot.

But hey, congrats to everyone who was elected. I think it will be a good year for anyone who is not named or working for someone named Waddle.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Tall

This morning I brewed up and poured myself a nice, big, piping-hot cup of coffee, and left it on the TV stand at home. Dammit. So I went to Starbucks after my first class, and got a nasty look from the girl working there when I asked for "a small cup of coffee."

"It's fucking 'tall,' asshole!" she said. At least, that's what I assume she said to herself. Gimme a break.