Monday, February 27, 2006
In March, Tre took in the Vagina Monologues and detailed the finer points of the legal writing process. Nye compared undergrad Spring Break to law school Spring Break. Meanwhile, Tre apparently spent his Spring Break at a strip club.
In April, Nye celebrated his birthday by keeping a running NFL Draft diary, and Tre lamented the demise of Cookie Monster .
May brought finals, which meant too much studying for Nye and plenty of drinking for both of us. Also, we both interviewed for a job that Tre got. Thank God.
In June we had our first fight about who's blogging and who's not. Tre went to Atlantic City and battled his own inner demons . And I can't shake the feeling that there was something else. Oh, that's right. Nye got married.
Pretty much all that happened in July was that Nye got his wisdom teeth out and Tre got kicked out of a bar .
August saw Nye ruin the best job prospect he had going, and Tre bid a fond farewell to a dear friend. There was also a smattering of fantasy football drafts and insensitive remarks about Greeks and hurricanes.
We'll recap the rest of the year in another post.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
But what I really want to talk to you about today is the ridiculousness of criminals these days. Apparently they aren't getting enough attention drawn to themselves for doing stupid shit like robbing the local barbershop with "Bona fide Hustler" tattooed on their forehead, or killing their roommate for not refilling the toilet paper. So now criminals going and giving themselves ridiculous names to go along with their stupid crimes. To wit, the Ninth Circuit has recently affirmed the conviction and sentence of a guy by the name of Sylvester Norman Knows His Gun, III (PDF), convicted of aggravated sexual assault on a boy who was "four of five years old." And then the next week they one-upped themselves by affirming the conviction of Vernon Lee Bad Marriage, Jr. (PDF), who beat and possibly raped his girlfriend while on release from prison to attend an AA meeting.
Next I am fearlessly predicting that the convictions of Billy Bob Rapes His Sister and J. Montgomery Securities Fraud will also be affirmed. Anyway, here are those links, and I promise I will try to be funny again soon.
Friday, February 24, 2006
If there is anything clearer than the necessity to hire Andy Kennedy, I would like an example.....
If there has ever been a time to drop the fishnet stockings, and to get your head straight, this is the time. What this BEARCAT team has accomplished is nothing short of remarkable. With 5 1/2 scholarship players, in fact.
Andy Kennedy has done a terrific job with the team this year. This is not from a casual fan, this is from someone that has bled the black and red for the last 26 years. He has taken a team that was left in shambles and coached them to a possible NCAA bid. And, oh yeah, an almost win tonight.
Woulda, coulda, shoulda. That’s what the Xavier fans will say (First question to those fans: who was the last team in Cincinnati that had a player dismissed from the team for violating team policy). Although I am the first person to admit that "almost" does count for shit except in horseshoes and hand grenades, this was a great almost. The Kennedy-led Bearcats fought the #2 team in the country until the last 3.2 seconds of the game. They were down 12. They had 5 1/2 scholarship players to Nova’s 11. In the first half, they shot the ball like blind people throwing a ball at a dunk-the-president attraction at a school-wide carnival. But damn, did those kids compete.
Yes, it is true that they were beat by a lay-up on a throw-in with the game on the line. This is true, and can’t be denied. It is the first thing that every kid in America learns in recreational hoops - don’t get beat to the basket on an inbounds play. It sucks, and is hard to swallow, but it also makes the fan that watched the entire game wonder what if. What if half the team, the original 10 player schlarship team, hadn’t left at the beginning of the year? What if two referees with dark hair hadn’t been calling the game?
I don’t like to bitch about refs. Not even in intramural basketball. You can ask one of the co-founders of this blog about it. But tonight was something different. The 15,000 + fans present tonight now know what anal penetration without lubrication feels like. Lord knows what the players felt like.
Let’s call the two perpetrators Abott and Costello. Both have dark hair, and one of them has been killing UC basketball for years. Just ask the 65 year old lady in section 106, seat 8. She knows. She’s been there since the games were played in the Shoemaker center, and only the Shoemaker center - before the school sold out naming rights in an attempt to raise its academic standards.
The first ref, we’ll call him Abott, was the ringleader. Every time that the Bearcats made a run, and had momentum, he made a call. I wish that I could have heard the commentators tonight (if they didn’t complain, they should be fired). There were 7 momentum-shifting calls made by Abott. Two, in particular, changed the game. With UC threatening to shrink the lead under five late in the first half, he called a questionable foul. Next thing you know, the lead is up to 9, and then 10, before being shrunk to 8 at halftime.
Then comes the mysterious 5th fould on James White with 3 minutes or so in the game. This call came after a break-away lay-up when a Villanova player grabbed the net on a fast-break lay-up attempt right in front of Abott, causing the lay-up to slip off the rim, not 30 seconds before (Something every pee-wee plater knows is goaltending). But, back to the foul in question, White didn’t even touch the guy. There wasn’t a foul, let alone one demanded a whistle with 3 minutes remaining and the the #2 team facing a very real threat of upset to a league opponent. Even pee-wee refs know that type of call shouldn’t be made. With this foul, UC was left with 4 1/2 scholarship players to Nova’s 10. This call played a large role in their defeat (not to mention the reach-in fould called by Costello 30 seconds before against White when the Nova player first pushed UC’s Muhammad aside and then ran over White to get a rebound).
The more troublesome fact, in actuality, is that every time Abott made a call, Costello followed with an equally, if not more mind-numbing, call 30 seconds later. Last I checked, weren’t unranked, home teams playing in-league, highly ranked teams supposed to get more calls (unofficially of course)? Even those in attendance whose blood is colored Tar-Heel blue said the the bullshit was knee-deep tonight.
Aren’t there supposed to be safeguards against fundamental injustice and unfairness written into American society? (sorry, as a law student, thought there should be some legalese terms in the post). Obviously, the NCAA does not believe in the 14th Amendment. One should wonder, however, why the refs chose to make those calls. In addition, in business world tournament-ese, which dominates the NCAA, UC will obviously travel more fans, and have a higher audience, than the 5th best school in Philadelphia, PA. By the way, I was asked 30 times tonight where Nova was located. Shouldn’t they at least get the opportunity not to get royally screwed?
But, after bitching about the refs, the focus should return where it stated. The BEARCATS have played their hearts out, posting a remarkable record when most of their fans were already focusing on next year’s coach and recruiting class. This is the first class of UC players that a fan can be truly proud of in a long time. And the school has already found its coach.
And speaking of next year’s coach, let’s talk about that. Andy Kennedy has had one of the most demanding interviews on record. He has made a potential mountain out of a mole-hill. If one wants to raise the standards of an institution, it should be done behind great talent. If one truly wishes to see these transformations take place, they should make moves that will pay off in the long run, instead of demolishing something to make a name for one’s self and then running to a higher publicized position. Andy Kennedy is such a talent. Hire him.
Great almost to the Cats.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
But they screwed up this time. It's scheduled to run from 8:00 - 4:30 on Friday, March 17. Anyone see a problem with that? Yeah, not only is it St. Patrick's Day, it's also the day before Spring Break starts. And while I think we can all agree that the duty to warn is always on the mind of law students, I think I speak for everyone when I say that it doesn't quite reach the signifance of St. Patrick's Day coinciding with Spring Break. I could be wrong.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Witness Protection 2L - "Yeah, and if they also enacted a straight ban on any sort of weapon."
Tre - "No, I'd make the argument that we should get rid of any sort of gun control as well, I guess the only thing we'd learn about would be child porn cases."
Witness Protection 2L - "Well, you could make an argument for completely legalizing that too."
Note: "Witness Protection 2L" was afforded this name in case someone from the government randomly hits our page. Nye informed me tonight (at the Marbury v. Madison Bowl-off, results to come) that we received a hit from a Google search for "How to give a good blowjob," so anything is possible.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Sunday, February 19, 2006
"Maximum Results. Minimal Time. Your a slam dunk away when you call Fitwrks today!"
Inexplicably capitalized words in the middle of sentences, as well as misspelling both "you're" and "Fitworks," the company being endorsed? This is either a terrible advertisement or a brilliant satire.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
I know this has been making the email rounds for the last few days, so if you've seen it I apologize. But it's just too funny not to put out there in case anyone hasn't. I have it on good authority that this is a real exchange between two attorneys. Email addresses have been removed, but the names are unchanged.
From: Dianna Abdala
Sent: Friday, February 03, 2006 9:23 PM
To: William A. Korman
Subject: Thank you
Dear Attorney Korman,
At this time, I am writing to inform you that I will not be accepting your offer.
After careful consideration, I have come to the conclusion that the pay you are offering would neither fulfill me nor support the lifestyle I am living in light of the work I would be doing for you. I have decided instead to work for myself, and reap 100% of the benefits that I sew [sic].
Thank you for the interviews.
Dianna L. Abdala, Esq
From: William A. Korman
To: Dianna Abdala
Sent: Monday, February 06, 2006 12:15 PM
Subject: RE: Thank you
Given that you had two interviews, were offered and accepted the job (indeed, you had a definite start date), I am surprised that you chose an e-mail and a 9:30 PM voicemail message to convey this information to me. It smacks of immaturity and is quite unprofessional. Indeed, I did rely upon your acceptance by ordering stationary and business cards with your name, reformatting a computer and setting up both internal and external e-mails for you here at the office. While I do not quarrel with your reasoning, I am extremely disappointed in the way this played out. I sincerely wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.
- Will Korman
From: Dianna Abdala
Sent: Monday, February 06, 2006 4:01 PM
To: William A. Korman
Subject: Re: Thank you
A real lawyer would have put the contract into writing and not exercised any such reliance until he did so.
Again, thank you.
From: William A. Korman
To: Dianna Abdala
Sent: Monday, February 06, 2006 4:18 PM
Subject: RE: Thank you
Thank you for the refresher course on contracts. This is not a bar exam question. You need to realize that this is a very small legal community, especially the criminal defense bar. Do you really want to start pissing off more experienced lawyers at this early stage of your career?
From: Dianna Abdala
Sent: Monday, February 06, 2006 4:29 PM
To: William A. Korman
Subject: Re: Thank you
bla bla bla
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
A synopsis of a legit "breaking news" story on tonight's 9 News at 11:
2 suspects fled after robbing a local barbershop and shooting the shop's owner. The description of one of the suspects includes the tattoo "Bonafide Hustler" ACROSS HIS FOREHEAD (emphasis not added, the reporter on the news rolled her eyes and laughed as she said this).
Needless to say, the "police were familiar with this subject."
Note: More confusing is the Google Image Search results for "Bonafide Hustler." Whereas most images contain rapper's flexing to bolster street cred, you also get this image. Strange.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Tre: I know, he was so dreamy
Krez: i can't even look at him without thinking "crazy gay scientologist"
Tre: i cant look at katie holmes and not think "sperm donor"
KRez: i think "turkey baster"
Tre: true, i guess they could suck tom cruise's sperm out of jay mohrs ass and pump it into katie
Tre: to keep up appearances
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Well, I'm tempted to answer that it's none of your goddamned business why I was standing at the lookout at Alms Park, talking to my brother on the phone, at 8:30 pm, but that wouldn't be a a very good end to my story, now would it? The thing is, I don't get good cell phone reception at my house, and as I was driving back toward it, I realized that my conversation with my brother wasn't going to end by the time arrived. So I took a little detour into Alms Park, which overlooks Lunken Airport. I figured if I was going to be talking to my brother I might as well see if I could see some airplanes take off. I've always liked airplanes.
Now, you've got to understand that at 8:30 pm in February in Cincinnati, it is dark. When it's dark, and "snowing," not many people go to the park. Shocking, I know. But there I was, alone in the park, so I figured I'd get out of my car and mosey on over to the lookout area and watch some airplanes take off. To help you get a visual here, I've included a little map below. See that red dot? That's where my car was.
I stood outside, waiting for an airplane to take off, talking to my brother, for like five minutes. All alone, in the park. Pretty soon I see some headlights creep around the corner. My first thought? "Wuh oh, I bet that's a drug deal and I'm about to get shot." I told my brother as much too, where he could find my body and all. Nevermind that Alms Park is surrounded by multimillion-dollar houses in a fancy neighborhood. I decided that if it was a drug deal, the best possible way to avoid getting shot was to make myself clearly visible, so I leaned on the trunk of my car (which was already parked under a streetlight, mind you) and faced this other car, a green jeep, which had now come to stop about 20 feet away, where the blue dot is on the map below.
See? Right behind me.
I'm still chatting away with my brother about who knows what, when I can see that the car has two decidedly non-threatening looking occupants. Probably high school kids, maybe a little older. Guy and a girl. Probably not a drug deal. We make eye contact, I give the universal "don't shoot me" look, and I think everything is going to be fine. So I walk back over to the lookout and keep chatting up my brother. We're sort of wrapping up the conversation, when I realize, they haven't gotten out of the car yet.
Hmm. What could they be doing? Keep in mind that they knew I was there, and that to get back to my car I would have to walk right by theirs.
Yeah, sure enough, she was giving him a blowjob, right there in Alms Park, at 8:30 pm. While I was not 30 feet from their car.
Now, I understand that when the mood is right, sometimes you've just gotta drop trou and get to it. But I will never forgive myself for not knocking on the window to ask if they were having car trouble, or calling the police and then sitting and waiting, or something. These are my biggest regrets in life.
So, to recap. BJ, in the park, with an audience. Kids these days.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Don't get me wrong, I love drinking, but forcing law school students to be sociable is just an awful idea. This isn't an after office happy hour, where everyone is going to end up getting sloshed and trying to go home with the boss. This is a happy hour for law students, which will no doubt end up in a debate as to whether or not Marbury boinked Madison (the answer is, no doubt, yes).
However, there is one great thing about law school happy hours. Watching people who never get drunk and can't handle their booze. I'm telling you, unintentional comedy is off the charts. There's nothing like seeing the same people that usually look down on you for being a drunk have to look up to you. They have to look up because they have most likely fallen off the stool they were sitting on. Call it evil, call it wrong, but I love buying shots for these people. It's like, how drunk and stupid can these people get?
The next morning gets even better. These people are so embarrassed about how they acted the night before. I, as a professional drinking, have gotten past this stage. However, the shy awkward looks from the people who were dancing on the pool table the night before are so endearingly ironic. It's like the walk of shame in undergrad, but these people didn't even get any ass (most likely).
So if I buy you a shot tonight, it's either because I love you or hate you. Feel free to ask me which.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Yes, that's correct. A "symposium" on balancing drinking and studying. To be held at a local bar.
Res Ipsa Liquor: Balancing Drinking and Studying in Law School
The Symposium will be held this Thursday February 9, 2006 at 9PM at TOMBS (1226 36th Street, N.W.) in Georgetown.
Upperclassmen and LL.M.s will be present to offer guidance as to methods to achieve this goal.
We are totally starting a chapter here at UC.
UPDATE: I've spoken with the BASIC president at Georgetown, and we are definitely colonizing Cincinnati.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Now, I'm not saying nothin about what goes on over there when the lights get turned down. And believe me, I respect and appreciate what all those men and women are doing. But come on come on, guys. Wash your socks.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
PS- Anything stupid that I may do in the next few weekends (see law school prom), my mommy said I could.