Wednesday, July 05, 2006

On the World Cup

An email:

France 1-0 Portugal! It's too bad Germany lost or we could stage the Final as a WWII reenactment -- Germany could jump out to like a 4-0 lead in the first half and the French would give up like the cheese-eating surrender monkeys we all know and love. Then the American team would volunteer to play the second half, whoop some serious flarkin ass, win 5-4, beat japan for good measure, and go on to be the world's only soccer power. Then, 50 years later, we would get sniped by a group of rogue soccer players from no discernable nation, we'd elect an Idiot coach, perhaps Bill Parcells, and would engage the rogue soccer players in games that didn't resemble the soccer of yesteryear at all. The French would refuse to help, yet would claim that they won the '06 Cup outright, and we'd still make fun of them.

And the reply:
Well done. But your forget that in the meantime we would have an intense soccer rivalry with Russia where we would refuse to ever play them while designing increasingly sophisticated cleats, balls, and shinguards which we would spend half of our GDP on. The American squad would come in as a sub for the French squad who themselves were subbing for a Vietnamese squard in a match against another bunch of Vietnamese who were using a Russian playbook. That would be a scoreless game. After a few more years of refusing to play the Russians, during which time an Afghanistan soccer team using surplus US jerseys beat a farm-league team from Russia in a pick-up game. In the end we would declare ourselves the winners of the Russia US soccer rivalry. At that point we would all agree that perhaps we have too many soccer balls and make Russia decommission theirs while trying to keep north Korea from developing goal-scoring technologies.

3 comments:

trotskey said...

Long live Cristiano Ronaldo!!

Anonymous said...

So, I sent this to a friend who lived in Vietnam for two years, because I thought it was good.

Here's his response:

"Very clever World Cup post...except you forgot that in the Vietnam match, millions of fans were slaughtered, bombed, and sprayed with dioxin." Ouch.

Curtis

Lyco said...

This was the funniest thing I've read all summer. I keep giggling and coming back to it.

Awesome.