Wednesday, June 14, 2006

An open letter from all summer associates to all assigning attorneys

I would like to reiterate, at the outset, that I am not summering at a firm, and this therefore does not reflect how I feel about assigning attorneys in general or any specific assigning attorney in particular. But a friend has prepared this letter, and from what I hear all assigning attorneys might be a little better off having read it. Consider it my gift to all of you summers out there. I chide because I care.

Dear Assigning Attorney;
With all due respect, dick, I gave you a memo. Perhaps, now that you only have to bill like two hours a day, you feel that time is not a crticial factor. Well, allow me to open your eyes. I've got shit to do, and I cannot do it if YOU shit ME. I need feedback on my memo so that the overpriced legal services we provide to our clients can be a slightly less egregious violation of the laws of fair pricing because I cannot provide quality or timely work unless you throw me a friggin bone. For you see, while I may not respect your legal reasoning, analytical, or general writing abilities, somehow people like you have become the standard by which such things are measured. I, as an intelligent person, do these things a certain way and it is counterintuitive for me to do them badly unless you show me how. So unless you want me to sit here with my thumb up my @$$ and bill it (which i suspect you would not mind) I need that damn feedback and I need it yesterday. It took me less frigging time to write it then it has taken you to read it. I realize that you're functionally illiterate and you're a partner here because your dad's name is on the door and your 4th tier or Ivy League lawschool (take your pick) professors cared more about the hefty bribes and sexual favors you threw at their closeted asses than they did making sure you learned anything, but despite all of this I dont think it is too much to ask for a turnaround of less than a month on a four page memo. Thanks very much.
Love,
Summer Associate

1 comment:

Elle Woods said...

I just got back memos I wrote in when I started at my firm over 6 months ago. My boss told me they were shit. I snapped and told them I wrote them 6 months ago when I didn't know shit, but if he cared to read a decent one he could take a look at any of the 50 I've written since then.

My word verification is mofo. Awesome.