Monday, June 26, 2006

More news from firm life

Once again, news from Big Law:
So here's some good summer associate gossip. One of the girls I work with has a good friend who is a summer at Paul Hastings LA office and apparently witnessed this first hand. I think, though I'm not sure exactly, that this took place Tuesday night.
So they were having a firm sponsored happy hour. You know the drill. One of the summer associates apparently got out of his gourd wasted. He goes to USC (figures), and was reported to be a very quiet and polite Indian guy. Not this night though. A very well liked senior associate was there with his pretty, blonde, fiance. The summer associate starts to say really loudly and angrily about how he would like to F*** her. Everyone around, including the associate can hear this. He keeps going, despite people trying to shut him up and is extremely vulgar and profane. Eventually the associate whose fiance this is comes up to him and tells him that he understands that he is drunk, but he should really just keep it down because he's making a scene. Very nice way of dealing with the situation, considering. Instead of shutting up at this point, the summer associate goes off. Things along the line of "you don't F****ing know me you F****" and apparently threatened to stab the associate. Yeah.
So the next day he has the balls to show up at work, only to find that his desk has been cleared out, his carpets all freshly vacumed, etc. Done for.
I've heard of people not getting offers, but never straight up fired in the middle of the summer. Can you imagine? How will he ever work again? He's going to have to become a sole practicioner in Oklahoma...

Friday, June 16, 2006

Hiatus from blogging, life

Taking off for a week. Tre will get you through to the other side, I'm sure.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

An open letter from all summer associates to all assigning attorneys

I would like to reiterate, at the outset, that I am not summering at a firm, and this therefore does not reflect how I feel about assigning attorneys in general or any specific assigning attorney in particular. But a friend has prepared this letter, and from what I hear all assigning attorneys might be a little better off having read it. Consider it my gift to all of you summers out there. I chide because I care.

Dear Assigning Attorney;
With all due respect, dick, I gave you a memo. Perhaps, now that you only have to bill like two hours a day, you feel that time is not a crticial factor. Well, allow me to open your eyes. I've got shit to do, and I cannot do it if YOU shit ME. I need feedback on my memo so that the overpriced legal services we provide to our clients can be a slightly less egregious violation of the laws of fair pricing because I cannot provide quality or timely work unless you throw me a friggin bone. For you see, while I may not respect your legal reasoning, analytical, or general writing abilities, somehow people like you have become the standard by which such things are measured. I, as an intelligent person, do these things a certain way and it is counterintuitive for me to do them badly unless you show me how. So unless you want me to sit here with my thumb up my @$$ and bill it (which i suspect you would not mind) I need that damn feedback and I need it yesterday. It took me less frigging time to write it then it has taken you to read it. I realize that you're functionally illiterate and you're a partner here because your dad's name is on the door and your 4th tier or Ivy League lawschool (take your pick) professors cared more about the hefty bribes and sexual favors you threw at their closeted asses than they did making sure you learned anything, but despite all of this I dont think it is too much to ask for a turnaround of less than a month on a four page memo. Thanks very much.
Summer Associate

Monday, June 12, 2006

For those of you who missed it (most likely all of you)

The NHL Finals are happening as we speak. Carolina is up on Edmonton 2-1. Game 4 is tonight. But like I said nobody is watching, at least here in the States. In fact, NBC is counting on so few people watching that--well, how to put it?--they actually just reused footage of the national anthems from Game 3. Yes, I'm serious. The same guy singing, the same two mounties flanking him, the same goofy guy right behind the bench singing his lungs out, and the dude in the middle taping the thing on his cell phone. Ridiculous.

Or so my pseudo-Canadian friend tells me. I wasn't watching either.

(UPDATE: Here is the intro from Game 3. Unfortunately it's the CBC feed, not NBC--"I should have known that no American would upload it," my friend remarks--but as soon as I can track down the Game 4 clip I'll update again. I know you're all waiting with bated breath.)

(UPDATE No. 2: You really need to check out that footage. Scan to about the 2:30 mark and check out that guy's suit. I'm told his name is Don Cherry, and he's like the Canadian Madden, only crazier, if you can believe it.)

Friday, June 09, 2006

Bonafide Update

This individual is the poster boy for Ohio building prisons, . . . . We are optimistic today that he just hustled his way into life behind bars.”

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Meet Judge Gregory A. Prisnell

It's time for another part in the "Judges Nye Wants to Clerk For" series. (Parts one, two, and three.)

This case, I'm told, involves two attorneys whose officers are four (4) floors apart in the same building. They have apparently been wholly unable to agree on any pre-trial matters, and counsel for Plaintiff apparently asked the judge to designate a location for a deposition. The judge denied his motion and entered this Order [PDF]. You will not be disappointed.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Quick Thank You

I'd just like to thank the parents who have fired the television babysitter and turned to the movie theatre sitter. My viewing of X-Men 3 tonight was significantly bettered by a row of pre-teen kids making fart noises, slurping drinks as loud as possible, and then, the clincher, attempting to mimic sex noises. If these were my kids, I wouldn't be blogging right now, I'd be beating them.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Firm life

I am not summering at a big firm, so I rely on my friends and classmates to keep me posted on what that's like. So I was thrilled when I got this email the other day:
By the way, I discovered the ultimate way to get on the good side of a partner today. I go to use the restroom, and when I walk in, someone is cutting gigantic farts. I mean, the type that shake the stall walls. So, I suppress my laughter and out walks one of the senior partners of litigation.

He's stopped in my office twice today to say, "hi." At my firm, partners just do not drop in to say "hello." I think he was truly embarrassed and is attempting "the nice routine," in order to make sure I don't spread the story of my bathroom experience.