Friday, May 05, 2006

Cinco de Mayo explained

Everyone loves to celebrate it. It's an excuse for guys to drink Corona and margaritas and not get ridiculed for drinking "girlie drinks." However, most people have no idea about the history of the holiday. Fulfilling my duty as a beacon of light and truth in this cold, dark world, here is the true history of Cinco de Mayo.

It's a common misconception that Cinco de Mayo celebrates the first time that a Dirk Pennington, a tourist vacationing in Cancun, decided that his Corona would taste much better with a lime. Although that was a seminal moment in Mexican history, Cinco de Mayo actually celebrates the Mexican victory over French troops in the Battle of Puebla in 1862. This halted a French invasion of Mexico and has become a source of pride for generations of Mexicans. Note: May 5th is also the day Napoleon died, marking the beginning of the "pussy era" in France. Napoleon's last words are rumored to have been "Please, if France has any dignity left, don't lose to fucking Mexico in a war." (Note: the recent rioting and setting cars on fire in France has ended the "pussy era" and France has now moved into the "Detroit Sports Championship Celebration era.")

Another little know fact is the celebration of "Sixieme de Mai" in France. This celebrates the French victory over Mexican troops enjoying their siesta the very next day. This is also celebrated in France as the "last thing France actually won."

However, Cinco de Mayo has taken on a different meaning in the last few years. This happens to a lot of holidays. Look at Christmas. Christmas now celebrates a fat guy who likes to wear a red velour suit and give presents to kids after they sit in his lap (no, I cannot find "Kris Kringle" or "Santa Claus" on the Ohio Sexual Predator website, I'massumingg this is a clerical error, as this guy has to have been charged). Almost no one remembers the original meaning for Christmas these days. Anyway, back to Cinco de Mayo: male dorks of my generation (yours truly included) now celebrate this holiday as the birthday of actress Danielle Fishel. You may know her as Topenga from Boy Meets World and the reason for the beginning of sexual fantasies in your life.

Feliz Cinco de Mayo!!

1 comment:

dicta said...

i'm pretty sure whenever santa is charged he names a few priests as a plea bargain and gets off...literally?