Monday, April 17, 2006

Outlines are people too

Ah yes, mid-April: lazy afternoons in the sun, baseball/softball diamonds are coming back to life, amusement parks are opening, and law students are panicking. It’s the time of year where every law student realizes that they are way under-prepared for the impending apocalypse of finals. Is it really that bad? Yes. However, we all lean on the same crutch to get us through the gauntlet or inferno that is exams, Alton from Real World Las Vegas. OK, we lean on him and outlines, but we don’t all lean on the same outline (there are many females who have leaned on the same Alton). We all have our different approaches to outlines, because we’re all different types of people. We match up with different outlines, because really, outlines themselves have their own personalities. I’ve listed a few types of outlines I’ve come across in my time here. Oh, and undergrads, these work for notes/flashcards for your finals.

The “younger kid in the neighborhood” outline – you’ve known this outline since before he was born, since he was just a 11 KB Microsoft Word file, not the 400 KB behemoth he is today. You bring him everywhere you go and you’re very proud of him. You let close friends look at him, but you don’t let anyone hold him when you’re not looking. You’re very protective of him, because he’s so pure to you. However, sometimes you have a falling out (after a bad exam) and you think much less of him and end the relationship.

The “best friend” outline – you met this outline a little later on in her life, but you still grew up together over the semester. She’d help you understand things, and you’d correct her when she was wrong about minor points. Eventually, you’d come to trust her so much that you’d stop reading cases and listen to her advice. Sometimes your professor would tell you not to depend so much on her, but you knew your prof was just jealous he didn’t have as good a friend.

The “friendly” outline – this outline loves groups. He loves it if you lay him out on the table and go at him with a bunch of different people. Girls, guys, it doesn’t matter, as long as he’s spread out on the table and being worked on. The more you pass him around the better. However, he has absolutely no substance, but he can tell you what 1Ls are hooking up with each other.

The “best friend’s girlfriend” outline – you heard about this girl from your buddy. All he did was talk about how awesome she was. However, you know that if you use her, and he finds out, your friendship is over. So you have to be careful and poke and prod. You use her and do well, but your buddy is always a little suspicious that you hit up his girl. There is no honor in using her.

The “best friend’s ex” outline – all you heard about was how awesome this guy was when your friend was with him. Eventually, you developed sort of a crush on him just be hearing about him so often. Finally, you ask your friend if you can use him about a semester after she has. She says yes, and it all works out. You feel a little guilty about using your best friend’s ex, but she was right, he is AWESOME. Sometimes it gets to the point where you’ll only take classes in which your best friend has an ex, it’s just that good.

The "trojan horse" outline - yeah, she looks really good, like really good. She has all the bells and whistles that you'd want. She says all the right things in the right way and makes you feel really confident. However, you get your test results back and nothing could be further from the truth. She had herpes, and getting with her, although you thought it was good at the time, is going to screw you for years to come.

The “dirty pirate hooker” outline – he’s been passed down from generation to generation. Steph Underwood first used him sometime in the late 70s, and every year a new generation of law students takes him for a spin. He’s really good at what he does, but you have to worry about whatever he might have picked up from previous partners, because you know you’re getting that from him. You may wake up the next morning with a burning sensation and regret using him. He's usually found in trash cans the morning after exams.

The “street hooker” outline – you picked her up a week before finals, and it will probably cost you in the long-run, but it made you feel better short term. Knowing that she was a professional made you feel better, but you knew that wasn’t totally right and you feel bad about using her the morning after your final.

The “Mail-order Hooker” – same as above, but you bought it from some guy selling out-sourced legal work from India. Odds are you come away seriously burnt from this one, but you were desperate. You hadn’t had an outline in 6 months.

Wow, I guess outlines are more like “sexual partners” than “people.” I mean, sexual partners are people too, right?. Anyway, I’m sure there are many more I haven’t contemplated, feel free to add to the list.


Anonymous said...

Tre -

Somedays I read this blog and wonder if you have been slippin'. But then there are days like these...classic. Congrats on your inauguration today as well.


Mike Taf

Elle Woods said...

I'm a big fan the street hooker, she's never done me wrong.

airpear said...

You know what they say about hookers, you don't pay them for the sex, you pay for them to leave. That's what the street hooker outline is for, you pay to get your knowledge and then never having to think about it again...

Unreasonable Man said...

Incidentally, Alton could easily get straight A's in law school merely through the shear force of his will, and by flexing his huge arms.