Wednesday, March 22, 2006

I have no job

Dear Sirs:

It is obvious that the qualifications listed on my resume fall dreadfully short of what you are seeking in summer associates for this year. Therefore, I’ve decided to supplement my resume with the following letter, extrapolating a number of accomplishments and qualities that I did not delineate on my resume:

First, I’d like you to know that I have never been convicted, nor even accused, of a violent sexual offence. To my knowledge, there are no outstanding restraining orders pending against me. You will not need to spend any of your valuable time or resources defending me from various criminal charges. This should be a definite plus.

I have been known to watch Law and Order for 12 hours straight.

I’m somewhat interested in practicing immigration law. I have some prior experience in the field. I have guided over 300 families to the Wilamette Valley at the end of the Oregon Trail. While other associates may know how to make many very difficult decisions in various legal fields, I can guarantee that no one knows better when to ford the Green River or to caulk our wagon and float it across. No one, NO ONE, dies of dysentery on my watch.

My skill set is not limited to the area of immigration law. I’ve also been very successful in regards to business and commercial law. I cannot tell you how many red, white, and blue popsicles I bought with the proceeds from my lemonade stand. As a young child, I already knew the ways of the business world and diversified my clientele by offering not only lemonade, but also grape drink. I would be willing to run a similar stand for you and the other partners if hired this summer. My gumption will not be denied.

I have never cried during a game of baseball.

My dedication to “getting the job done” is tireless. I routinely eat boxes of Kroger cookies in one sitting. No milk. Not only does this speak to my pertinacity, but also to my ability to survive a nuclear winter. Imagine as all your “healthy” summer interns whither away and die during nuclear fallout. I would not only survive, but strive, on the stores of energy from my cookie habit. Thus, I would be infinitely more productive than any intern you have hired already. Thank you, oatmeal raisin.

I was named one of the top 20 “young power hitters” by Cincinnati Softball. If the firm’s summer league team is dragging, I’m an instant pick-me-up. Although I played in a regular poker game with Al Conte, I have never tested positive for any performance enhancing drugs. I mean, unless you count Kroger cookies as performance enhancing.

If you haven’t been swayed yet, let me leave you with this: I once ate 26 tacos in 30 minutes. The list goes on and on, from my success in defeating the Purple Troggle from Number Munchers to my wealth of knowledge in regards to the Saved by the Bell series. If I have not been hired in another few weeks, I’ll make sure to provide more incentive for my potential employers.



Kat said...

If they don't hire you, they are crazy! I was sold on the fact that even as a young child you were working toward diversifying your clientele. Grape drink? Genius. :)

Anonymous said...

Dysentary? Ok, but what about scurvey? Native American attacks? Syphillis?

Which boxes of cookies are we talking about? The small version, or the economy size? Economy size would be better.

I think that you should give up, and start trying to write for Saturday night live. Lord knows they could use it.


T. House Cat said...

I, for one, saw the 26 tacos in 30 minutes. It was wrong, vile, and disgusting. I also saw the same 26 tacos at about the 35 minute mark. They looked a little different.

Productive Citizen: every-so-often rant said...

Ask for us at the Detroit Electronic Music Festival!!!!!!!!!

Just working for the weekend but we could use your help.

M said...

The Oregon Trail has to get you a job! I was the best hunter ever at that game, and I currently have no problem providing my family with meat. Coincidence? Doubtful.