Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Sunday, December 10, 2006
The following exchange just happened in the Bengals game when they showed a sideline shot of Marvin Lewis:
Play-by-play guy: "Bengals owner Mike Brown made his best decision ever when he hired that guy right there."
Color guy: "To use a sports analogy, he hit a homerun with that one."
a) "To use a sports analogy"? Like anyone watching a football game doesn't know that "homerun" is a sports term?
b) Technically, that was a metaphor.
c) And since, you know, it's a football game, why not try using a football metaphor?
Friday, December 08, 2006
Awkward: Realizing that said attorney is completely wasted on a Thursday night.
Really awkward: Being introduced to the attorney's friend, who says "[Name], alright, nice to meet you." And then turns to the attorney you used to work with and immediately says, "Hey, [Attorney], it's your turn to pack a bowl."
Monday, November 27, 2006
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Anyway, can you believe that they actually dismantled the goalposts before the game was over? I was bummed.
Oh, and also, this makes for a pretty ridiculous BCS picture, doesn't it? I'm pretty sure that Michigan is the only team that has any shot-- at all--of beating Ohio State any time soon. Then again, that game might not have been that close if not for the bizarre OSU turnovers on the bad snaps. Those led to 10 late points, and even with that Michigan never really legitimately threatened to tie or take the lead at any point after the first quarter.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
At one such dinner on Tuesday night, one of the residents related the following tale from his interviewing experience. According to him, in some cities sitting around in the hotel room all by yourself isn't particularly terrible. One hospital puts its candidates up in a very posh hotel downtown -- and in one of its suites, not just in any old room. The suites apparently have a lounge space with a couch and television, a kitchenette, and French doors separating the living space from the bedroom and bathroom.
At breakfast the morning of the interview, the program director greeted the candidates with the usual pleasantries -- "Good to see you again! How did you sleep?" and so on. One candidate, looking a bit disheveled, piped up that he just didn't sleep very well at all, and was very disappointed with his room. Thinking there must have been a mistake, and feeling very embarrassed, the director replied, "Oh, I'm very sorry -- you were supposed to be in a suite. Was the room inadequate?"
"Yeah," the student replied. "When you walked in there was a kitchen right there, which was nice, but then there was just a couch and a TV. There wasn't even a bed or bathroom -- I had to groom myself over the kitchen sink!"
Needless to say, the genius who didn't think to open the French doors to find the bedroom and bathroom did not get a residency with that hospital.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Saturday, October 21, 2006
So they found me an extra pair of shoes and gloves, I changed from my jeans into borrowed warm-up pants on the sidelines, and stuck me in goal. I am 24, and I have not played soccer since I was 6. And I played goal maybe once then.
We lost, 5-1. Embarrassing.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
I can't read anything on the PowerPoint projector. This is most unsettling.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
I was lucky enough to receive your rejection letter from [Firm]. They enjoyed meeting with you, but because they can only hire one person, they cannot extend second interviews to all qualified candidates. Any chance you have mine?
That's top-notch, don't you think?
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Monday, October 02, 2006
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Second, during the Michigan-Wisconsin game they showed the old UM commercial which starts with a picture of Earth from somewhere out in space. Three names pop up in the corner, one by one, all Colonels. Then we see "APOLLO 15" on the screen, as an orbiting spacecraft comes into the picture. Then "An all U of M crew" splashes across the screen, and you can hear "Hail to the Victors" playing softly as the craft floats in front of Earth and passes out of view.
Obvious message -- U of M people are smart.
Message that smart people take away from it -- U of M people are still not smart enough to know that sound does not travel in space.
Friday, September 22, 2006
I wonder what The Sports Economists would say about this.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Saturday, September 16, 2006
There are two problems here. First, eleven o'clock is not really breakfast time anymore, and even though it was in fact my first meal of the day, if you come across someone eating at the law school at 11 a.m., you should assume they're just eating (an admittedly early) lunch, right? Second, and more importantly, when the hell did cold pizza become an unacceptable breakfast food? Until Thursday I was under the impression that every person in the whole wide world has at some point eaten cold pizza for breakfast. Or at minimum anyone who has ever been to college. But no, this guy thinks I'm the weird one here.
So I put it to you, dear readers. Cold pizza -- delicious breakfast food? Or victual of heathens?
Never had cold pizza for breakfast, good grief. Just another reason why Michigan sucks.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Saturday, September 02, 2006
When you get to be an old man like me,  you have to live vicariously through others. So just to let you know, I will be doing that all football season, living vicariously through my friend who plays football at BYU. Yes, I know I blogged about this last year when I went to see him play at Notre Dame. Yes, I know that none of you care about Mountain West football. But the Cougars will be on TV now and then in my neck of the woods, so I will periodically be updating you on his progress. In case you care to watch, he is no. 48—Andrew Stacey. He's an OLB by trade, but you're more likely to spot him on special teams (he's on the punt, punt return, and kickoff return teams at the moment).
Anyway, he has been on TV a lot so far, including a nice shot about six seconds long doing that Samoan dance in the pre-game.
So yeah. That's what I'm doing on this Saturday night.
 Full disclosure—I am only 24.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Kami: We're goin to crash a party!
Kendra: I just just don't want her to think that she can come to my and that would be ok.
Kami: (matter of factly) Well of course she can't.
Kendra: You know what, that's why I feel bad, because of someone did this to me, oh my god.
Kami: We're not crashing a party, we're just merely showing up uninvited.
Cameron and Jessica leaving dinner:
Jessica: Would you be sad if I died?
Cameron: I'd probably just call up Kendra
2L: i just took a crap that could choke a donkey, haha...that was funny
3L: have you ever crapped in a donkey's mouth? It takes more than you would think
Monday, August 28, 2006
I remember 1L year, when everyone got here an hour before classes started, furiously rereading cases before class, hoping not to get called on, but still generally excited to be here.
Then there was 2L year, we showed up late for class, added and dropped until we got a schedule that fit with our work schedule and still let us sleep in one or two days a week, and generally didn't really care to be back.
Then there is 3L year, and I quote: "Man, it is pouring outside, I don't think I can come to class in this."
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Saturday, August 26, 2006
BIG BEN -- DON'T FORGET YOU'R HELMET.
I don't think that really comes through. Let me try again:
Big Ben -- don't forget Y-O-U-apostrophe-R helmet.
On the other hand, as a friend points out, "I have to hand it to 'em. I thought I had seen all the possible ways to screw up the permutations of 'your.' This is new and creative."
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Woman: "Happy birthday, and many, many more."
Man: "What? No. 'Many, many more'? Listen, she's ninety-two, and nobody wants her to make it to ninety-three."
Woman: "Hm, you're right. How about this one? 'Peace for your soul, joy for your spirit, love for your heart. Inside--May these things be yours, especially today.'"
Man: "That's not bad. It doesn't say say 'we love you' anywhere in it. Isn't there one that just says 'it's your birthday'?"
Woman: "Not that I can see. Maybe we can make a custom one."
Man: "No way am I spending an extra two dollars on this. Let's just get that last one. She won't read it anyway."
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Class starts on Tuesday. I presume that means there will be more procrastination to be done, which means more blogging. I guess we'll see.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
So, I guess my point is, if any of you need tomatoes (mostly roma, but some other ones too), I am your man.
Not a very blogtastic week in my world. Sorry.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Saturday, July 29, 2006
(Background: The Ohio Rules of Civil Procedure require parties to make a good-faith effort to negotiate any discovery conflicts before moving the court for either a protective order or an order to compel discovery. In this particular case we had been served with requests for production, and had responded that the documentation was not within our possession, custody, or control, but that we would supply it as soon as it became available from the appropriate party. Without bothering to call us for an explanation, the opposing party moved to compel. This is part of my response.)
Moreover, the Motion should be denied because Plaintiff is not required to produce documents which are outside its possession, custody, or control. See Oh. R. Civ. P. 34(A) ("Any party may serve . . . a request to produce . . . documents . . . that are in the possession, custody, or control of the party upon whom the request is served."). Plaintiff is also unable to produce said documents because in addition to being bound by the laws of the State of Ohio, Plaintiff is further bound by the law of conservation of matter, and cannot conjure documents out of nothingness. See Wikipedia, Law of conservation of matter, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Law_of_conservation_of_matter (last visited July 28, 2006). In deference to the laws of nature, Plaintiff will provide the documentation as soon as it is physically able to do so.
Monday, July 24, 2006
But . . .
We're looking at 17 days, max, left at this job. So there's that.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
I'm brushing up my law review paper before it goes to through the publication process, and this may be one of my last chances to add any footnotes. I am proposing adding the following, but am open to suggestions:
. . . . .
. Commentators often refer to this refusal to decide constitutional questions as a "punt," meaning that the Court shirked its duties by taking what is perceived as the easy way out. See, e.g, Linda S. Mullenix, Another Easy Case, Some More Bad Law: Carnival Cruise Lines and Contractual Personal Jurisdiction, 27 Tex. Int'l L.J. 323, 339 n.91 (1992). The author objects to the use of the term "punt" as a pejorative. In football, the punt is an important tool for improving field position and preventing the opponent from scoring. Henceforth, the author proposes to use the term "icing." In hockey, icing occurs when a team clears the puck from its defensive end across three lines, including the opposing goal line. Play is stopped, and the puck is returned to the end from which it came for a face-off in front of the goal. See NHL Rulebook 123-24 (2005-06 ed.), available at http://www.nhlofficials.com/images/Rules085-176.pdf (last visited July 19, 2006). This situation is much more like a court taking the easy way out than a punt in that it only delays the inevitable—before long, the puck/issue is back in front of the goal/court for another face-off/trial.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Thursday, July 06, 2006
So, this happy little incident occurred at the subway station where I catch the train pretty much every day, not two blocks from my apartment. Although it's hard to pick out my favorite part, I think I have to go with the fact that the suspect was "possibly carrying a teddy bear." Have you ever read a more surreal sentence? Did the teddy bear tell him to do it, laughing maniacally like Chucky? How was he even carrying it if he was "wielding a saw in each hand?" Just a little taste of NYC.I am speechless. I am without speech.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
France 1-0 Portugal! It's too bad Germany lost or we could stage the Final as a WWII reenactment -- Germany could jump out to like a 4-0 lead in the first half and the French would give up like the cheese-eating surrender monkeys we all know and love. Then the American team would volunteer to play the second half, whoop some serious flarkin ass, win 5-4, beat japan for good measure, and go on to be the world's only soccer power. Then, 50 years later, we would get sniped by a group of rogue soccer players from no discernable nation, we'd elect an Idiot coach, perhaps Bill Parcells, and would engage the rogue soccer players in games that didn't resemble the soccer of yesteryear at all. The French would refuse to help, yet would claim that they won the '06 Cup outright, and we'd still make fun of them.
And the reply:
Well done. But your forget that in the meantime we would have an intense soccer rivalry with Russia where we would refuse to ever play them while designing increasingly sophisticated cleats, balls, and shinguards which we would spend half of our GDP on. The American squad would come in as a sub for the French squad who themselves were subbing for a Vietnamese squard in a match against another bunch of Vietnamese who were using a Russian playbook. That would be a scoreless game. After a few more years of refusing to play the Russians, during which time an Afghanistan soccer team using surplus US jerseys beat a farm-league team from Russia in a pick-up game. In the end we would declare ourselves the winners of the Russia US soccer rivalry. At that point we would all agree that perhaps we have too many soccer balls and make Russia decommission theirs while trying to keep north Korea from developing goal-scoring technologies.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Monday, June 26, 2006
So here's some good summer associate gossip. One of the girls I work with has a good friend who is a summer at Paul Hastings LA office and apparently witnessed this first hand. I think, though I'm not sure exactly, that this took place Tuesday night.So they were having a firm sponsored happy hour. You know the drill. One of the summer associates apparently got out of his gourd wasted. He goes to USC (figures), and was reported to be a very quiet and polite Indian guy. Not this night though. A very well liked senior associate was there with his pretty, blonde, fiance. The summer associate starts to say really loudly and angrily about how he would like to F*** her. Everyone around, including the associate can hear this. He keeps going, despite people trying to shut him up and is extremely vulgar and profane. Eventually the associate whose fiance this is comes up to him and tells him that he understands that he is drunk, but he should really just keep it down because he's making a scene. Very nice way of dealing with the situation, considering. Instead of shutting up at this point, the summer associate goes off. Things along the line of "you don't F****ing know me you F****" and apparently threatened to stab the associate. Yeah.So the next day he has the balls to show up at work, only to find that his desk has been cleared out, his carpets all freshly vacumed, etc. Done for.I've heard of people not getting offers, but never straight up fired in the middle of the summer. Can you imagine? How will he ever work again? He's going to have to become a sole practicioner in Oklahoma...
Friday, June 16, 2006
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Dear Assigning Attorney;
With all due respect, dick, I gave you a memo. Perhaps, now that you only have to bill like two hours a day, you feel that time is not a crticial factor. Well, allow me to open your eyes. I've got shit to do, and I cannot do it if YOU shit ME. I need feedback on my memo so that the overpriced legal services we provide to our clients can be a slightly less egregious violation of the laws of fair pricing because I cannot provide quality or timely work unless you throw me a friggin bone. For you see, while I may not respect your legal reasoning, analytical, or general writing abilities, somehow people like you have become the standard by which such things are measured. I, as an intelligent person, do these things a certain way and it is counterintuitive for me to do them badly unless you show me how. So unless you want me to sit here with my thumb up my @$$ and bill it (which i suspect you would not mind) I need that damn feedback and I need it yesterday. It took me less frigging time to write it then it has taken you to read it. I realize that you're functionally illiterate and you're a partner here because your dad's name is on the door and your 4th tier or Ivy League lawschool (take your pick) professors cared more about the hefty bribes and sexual favors you threw at their closeted asses than they did making sure you learned anything, but despite all of this I dont think it is too much to ask for a turnaround of less than a month on a four page memo. Thanks very much.Love,
Monday, June 12, 2006
Or so my pseudo-Canadian friend tells me. I wasn't watching either.
(UPDATE: Here is the intro from Game 3. Unfortunately it's the CBC feed, not NBC--"I should have known that no American would upload it," my friend remarks--but as soon as I can track down the Game 4 clip I'll update again. I know you're all waiting with bated breath.)
(UPDATE No. 2: You really need to check out that footage. Scan to about the 2:30 mark and check out that guy's suit. I'm told his name is Don Cherry, and he's like the Canadian Madden, only crazier, if you can believe it.)
Friday, June 09, 2006
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
This case, I'm told, involves two attorneys whose officers are four (4) floors apart in the same building. They have apparently been wholly unable to agree on any pre-trial matters, and counsel for Plaintiff apparently asked the judge to designate a location for a deposition. The judge denied his motion and entered this Order [PDF]. You will not be disappointed.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Thursday, June 01, 2006
By the way, I discovered the ultimate way to get on the good side of a partner today. I go to use the restroom, and when I walk in, someone is cutting gigantic farts. I mean, the type that shake the stall walls. So, I suppress my laughter and out walks one of the senior partners of litigation.
He's stopped in my office twice today to say, "hi." At my firm, partners just do not drop in to say "hello." I think he was truly embarrassed and is attempting "the nice routine," in order to make sure I don't spread the story of my bathroom experience.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Naturally I couldn't have just one "other," so I decided to add "Defending Cleveland" to the list. I'm an outsider here in Cincinnati, and I'm always having to stick up for my home town. That's worked pretty well too--Cincinnati and Cleveland are much more similar than a lot of people realize, and both have a lot going for them.
But after seeing this, I am striking "Defending Cleveland" from the proverbial record. Good God. They say you can never go home again, and they are right.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
- Started a new job yesterday. The goal for that is to learn a lot and not get fired at any point during the summer, not even once.
- Have started asking professors for letters of recommendation for judicial clerkships. 2 for 2 so far, with one more to go in the morning.
- Around-the-house project no. 1 is complete: I have cut down most of the bushes in the back yard that were leaning on my fence and "encumbrancing" the sidewalk. Around-the-house project no. 2 is not: I need to somehow make it look not shitty.
- Law review lead articles to cite check (with a partner): 2
- Approximate number of foonotes in my half of the papers: 300
- Number of footnotes completed so far: 1
- Days left to complete the first half: 26
- Will start the second job July 1. It's a research assistantship with a new IP professor who is coming in from Harvard, and judging by his latest email to me he appears to have a great sense of humor. So obviously I'm looking forward to that.
- Semi-school-related goal no. 1 for the summer: read every Supreme Court opinion from OT 2005
- Opinions released so far: about 45
- Opinions read so far: about 12
- Semi-school-related goal no. 2 for the summer: don't compulsively check for grades. Haven't checked once yet.
- Weddings: best man in one, attending at least three more. Also celebrating our first anniversary.
- Fun reading: have a few books on my nightstand at the moment ("The Undercover Economist," "Freakonomics," and "Night"). Hopefully will get through those before too long.
- Family vacation in June. And by "family vacation" I mean camping with my wife and dog in northwestern Michigan.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Friday, May 19, 2006
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
I mean, I've always liked the game Ninja, Cowboy, Bear as a replacement for Rock, Paper, Scissors, but now I will ALWAYS chose Bear.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Me: Well, I think they'd say I'm funny, I'm honest, and that I'm really, really good looking, which refers back to number one.
Interviewer: (writes down the three things I listed) (pause) Haha, alright, that's a good one, I'll be laughing about that one all day.
While I like to think I'm funny, a 2L buddy of mine beat me out last week:
Interviewer: This job may require you to look at some pornography, are you comfortable with this?
2L: Yes, I think I am . . well, do you provide vasoline?
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
I'm going to go celebrate by laying on my living room floor and playing with my dog. And none of you can do anything to stop me.
Monday, May 08, 2006
Yes, I realize this makes me sound like a pompous ass, but no, I didn't write the paper. So blow me.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Said by Damon Jones, who hit the game-winning shot in the Cleveland Cavaliers' 114-113 overtime victory over the Washington Wizards in Game 6 of their first-round Eastern Conference playoff series, after not playing in the first 52 minutes and 46 seconds of the 53-minute game:
"I tell people all the time I'm the best shooter in the world. If I didn't think so, who would? But I'm not the best shooter in the universe."
Friday, May 05, 2006
It's a common misconception that Cinco de Mayo celebrates the first time that a Dirk Pennington, a tourist vacationing in Cancun, decided that his Corona would taste much better with a lime. Although that was a seminal moment in Mexican history, Cinco de Mayo actually celebrates the Mexican victory over French troops in the Battle of Puebla in 1862. This halted a French invasion of Mexico and has become a source of pride for generations of Mexicans. Note: May 5th is also the day Napoleon died, marking the beginning of the "pussy era" in France. Napoleon's last words are rumored to have been "Please, if France has any dignity left, don't lose to fucking Mexico in a war." (Note: the recent rioting and setting cars on fire in France has ended the "pussy era" and France has now moved into the "Detroit Sports Championship Celebration era.")
Another little know fact is the celebration of "Sixieme de Mai" in France. This celebrates the French victory over Mexican troops enjoying their siesta the very next day. This is also celebrated in France as the "last thing France actually won."
However, Cinco de Mayo has taken on a different meaning in the last few years. This happens to a lot of holidays. Look at Christmas. Christmas now celebrates a fat guy who likes to wear a red velour suit and give presents to kids after they sit in his lap (no, I cannot find "Kris Kringle" or "Santa Claus" on the Ohio Sexual Predator website, I'massumingg this is a clerical error, as this guy has to have been charged). Almost no one remembers the original meaning for Christmas these days. Anyway, back to Cinco de Mayo: male dorks of my generation (yours truly included) now celebrate this holiday as the birthday of actress Danielle Fishel. You may know her as Topenga from Boy Meets World and the reason for the beginning of sexual fantasies in your life.
Feliz Cinco de Mayo!!
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Byrd got all the offense he needed and then some. He even received a call from Atlanta ace John Smoltz last week in which Smoltz admitted he envied all the run support Byrd was getting -- though both players are religious and being envious of anyone is not an accepted practice in their faith.
UPDATE (5/5): The reference to religion was apparently a joke that Smoltz himself made. I guess it makes a little more sense that way.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
I know I didn't provide live coverage of the NFL Draft like I did last year, but I did want to weigh in with two thoughts. First, I really like the Browns' second-round pick, D'Qwell Jackson. I don't have any idea if he is a good player or not, but assuming that he is, I look forward to yelling, "You got DQ'd, baby!" every time he lights someone up or notches a sack. And I have two thoughts regarding their first fourth-round pick, Leon Williams. One the one hand, I'm not convinced that the Browns didn't try to pick Leon Washington, the running back from Florida State. But on the other hand, regardless of who they meant to pick, can anyone find out if this guy was part of the 7th Floor Crew? Here's hoping that he was.
In other news, best away message so far during finals: "Law school is like unprotected sex. You're happy you got in, but sorry you came."
Finally, I just thought I'd mention that I appear to have poison ivy in my belly button. No, not like a vine growing in there, but, you know, the irritation. No idea how that happened. TMI? No? OK, good.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Monday, May 01, 2006
The inside of the law school is decorated with all sorts of photos of the building being constructed. (Sidenote no. 2 -- The building has a rather interesting architectural history -- the present building essentially consists of a shell built around the original building. It's kind of layered, like an onion. A rotting onion, yes, but an onion just the same.) One of the photos, just inside the back door, depicts the installation of the (thin, relatively speaking) statue I've just described.
About a month ago I was waiting for a friend near said picture, and was just standing there admiring it. A classmate walked by me, then turned around and said, "You know, I've never been able to look at that picture the same way since I realized it looks like he's sitting in a sex swing."
William Howard Taft -- UC Law alum, 27th President, Chief Justice of the United States, sexual adventurer. None of you will ever be able to look at that picture or that statue in the same way again.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Seriously, this guy is a genius and he will win this bet. Help a brother out and click the above link at least 5 times an hour.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Just in case I forgot how awful studying is, every single law student on Earth posts something about how bad exams are/how miserable his or her life is on away messages this time of year. Some examples:
"Studying for Property all day, ugh, shoot me now!"
"Evidence party in the library, ok, not really a party"
"Outlining, go figure"
"I just want this next month to be over now"
I have a suggestion, stop bitching. Whining on your away message isn't going to make anything better. I mean, half the people who post these away messages are just watching American Idol or Lost anyway. The other half most likely read the false away messages, felt guilty, then put up an away message saying they are saving the world through Gilbert's (kidding, I know people are studying, I actually studied this weekend, then I burnt all my clothes and showered because I felt so dirty for studying on a weekend).
So this year, let's switch it up, let's make the away messages positive for once. So post a joke, or maybe a Chuck Norris "fact", or, even better, links to porn. As VB so eloquently put it: "porn always cheers people up, and sex (or masturbating for you) releases endorphins." Other acceptable away messages: quotes from funny law profs, links to Kevin Federline's mySpace page, an Oregon Trail high score, links to this blog, or haikus about inappropriate subjects (i.e. "Miss Debra LaFave, always sleeping with young boys, wish I was fourteen"). So don't be a typical law student Debbie Downer this year, mix it up, have some fun, stop being miserable. You're making me miserable by association.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
note: I may still choose "Cheeseburger in Paradise," just for the irony, or the theme song to Major League, it just makes me feel at home.
Friday, April 21, 2006
“That’s how it was where I went to law school. You never left the library, it was like a truck stop. It was fantastic, I mean, you’d never leave. I know people that got married in there. We need to at least get a television, you know, so we could learn something.”
“I used to teach class outside all the time. I’d come in dressed in a robe like Jesus and mingle amongst the people. I’d break off my lecture like a loaf of bread. I’d feed 5,000 people with 2 pages of notes. It was amazing.”
(Addressing the silence after asking for a volunteer) “Not only do we need outlets for plugs, we need strings so I can pull your hand up in the air, that’s the way to do this.” (noticing a student not paying attention) “Want to take a shot at it? You’re looking out the window I see.”
“I’m going to Oxford later this semester, I was reading the description of the dorms we’re staying, and I said to myself, I wish I was staying at the MCC.”
“I mean, the only people going to public defenders are?….. LOSERS! The other guys have beaucoup money. Haha, just kidding, sort of.”
“Chris Henry, I mean, you wave a gun when you’re drunk, who among us . . . . who among us hasn’t mouthed off a little when they’re drunk. True, he was wearing his own jersey, he could have at least worn a Chad Johnson jersey.”
“Waving a gun around . . . this for a professional athlete? I mean, if he was a basketball player, he wouldn’t even be charged.”
“Do we have any Kentucky people here? No kinfolk? Aren’t all you people in Kentucky related?”
“The Ancient Greeks have consumed olive oil since the start of time and they’re still going strong, right? OK, bad example.”
“We have this football player, and he has this ex-wife and she’s taking his money and supporting her waiter boyfriend. He’s making beaucoup money, but then he’s going to the Super Bowl, then driving off in a Hyundai, I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger and all that.”
(After a lengthy debate on the death penalty, saying system is fine, it works, it's a necessary part of criminal justice etc.) “After saying all this, I’m against the death penalty . . . . . . . JUST KIDDING!”
“Facts of the case: We’ve got this guy ranching out in Montana, not really Brokeback, but close..”
“This all started with the Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan incident, but I mean, I can’t blame Tonya, if anyone needed whacking, it was Nancy.”
“At some point the Warren Court blew their collective noses and looked down and said, oh look, a right of privacy.”
Man-crush? Most definitely.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
- My full name does not appear anywhere on this blog. That's not because I have anything to hide--this is not, after all, an anonymous blog. But still, it's not there.
- I don't know anyone who works at any court in Washington, so I'm not sure (a) why anyone in Washington actually knows my name and (b) why that person would bother to read this blog. Repeatedly. Without bothering to just bookmark or remember the URL.
You guys are morons. Seriously.
Addendum: I realize it is popular to bash the Bluebook, but it is deserved. And the problem is probably exacerbated by UC's decision to teach ALWD to the 1Ls. Do any other schools do this? For those of you who are taught Bluebook in your writing courses, do you find it more sensible? If there are any other ALWD students out there, do you then find it troublesome when you have to use the Bluebook on a journal or in practice?
Not that I think ALWD was particularly good. And the problems with the Bluebook are mostly that it's organized very, very poorly (though yes, some of the rules are just pretty ridiculous). Just wondering what others think.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Monday, April 17, 2006
The “younger kid in the neighborhood” outline – you’ve known this outline since before he was born, since he was just a 11 KB Microsoft Word file, not the 400 KB behemoth he is today. You bring him everywhere you go and you’re very proud of him. You let close friends look at him, but you don’t let anyone hold him when you’re not looking. You’re very protective of him, because he’s so pure to you. However, sometimes you have a falling out (after a bad exam) and you think much less of him and end the relationship.
The “best friend” outline – you met this outline a little later on in her life, but you still grew up together over the semester. She’d help you understand things, and you’d correct her when she was wrong about minor points. Eventually, you’d come to trust her so much that you’d stop reading cases and listen to her advice. Sometimes your professor would tell you not to depend so much on her, but you knew your prof was just jealous he didn’t have as good a friend.
The “friendly” outline – this outline loves groups. He loves it if you lay him out on the table and go at him with a bunch of different people. Girls, guys, it doesn’t matter, as long as he’s spread out on the table and being worked on. The more you pass him around the better. However, he has absolutely no substance, but he can tell you what 1Ls are hooking up with each other.
The “best friend’s girlfriend” outline – you heard about this girl from your buddy. All he did was talk about how awesome she was. However, you know that if you use her, and he finds out, your friendship is over. So you have to be careful and poke and prod. You use her and do well, but your buddy is always a little suspicious that you hit up his girl. There is no honor in using her.
The “best friend’s ex” outline – all you heard about was how awesome this guy was when your friend was with him. Eventually, you developed sort of a crush on him just be hearing about him so often. Finally, you ask your friend if you can use him about a semester after she has. She says yes, and it all works out. You feel a little guilty about using your best friend’s ex, but she was right, he is AWESOME. Sometimes it gets to the point where you’ll only take classes in which your best friend has an ex, it’s just that good.
The "trojan horse" outline - yeah, she looks really good, like really good. She has all the bells and whistles that you'd want. She says all the right things in the right way and makes you feel really confident. However, you get your test results back and nothing could be further from the truth. She had herpes, and getting with her, although you thought it was good at the time, is going to screw you for years to come.
The “dirty pirate hooker” outline – he’s been passed down from generation to generation. Steph Underwood first used him sometime in the late 70s, and every year a new generation of law students takes him for a spin. He’s really good at what he does, but you have to worry about whatever he might have picked up from previous partners, because you know you’re getting that from him. You may wake up the next morning with a burning sensation and regret using him. He's usually found in trash cans the morning after exams.
The “street hooker” outline – you picked her up a week before finals, and it will probably cost you in the long-run, but it made you feel better short term. Knowing that she was a professional made you feel better, but you knew that wasn’t totally right and you feel bad about using her the morning after your final.
The “Mail-order Hooker” – same as above, but you bought it from some guy selling out-sourced legal work from India. Odds are you come away seriously burnt from this one, but you were desperate. You hadn’t had an outline in 6 months.
Wow, I guess outlines are more like “sexual partners” than “people.” I mean, sexual partners are people too, right?. Anyway, I’m sure there are many more I haven’t contemplated, feel free to add to the list.
I agree with Eliot -- April is the cruelest month. But for me it's my allergies, and I'd appreciate it if you'd indulge me. I don't normally drink in front of you, but I'm taking so many drugs to dry up my nasal passages and my eyes that my throat is also dry. *Takes sip from carton of orange juice, smirks.* It's not spiked, though. I wish it were.
Friday, April 14, 2006
So why do we do it every year? Easy, we're hoping the nurses show up, just once. The nursing students are like the guy or girl that you've always had a crush on, so you invite them to any social event you have, knowing full well that their response of "oh yeah, that would be fun, I'll see if I can make it," really means "I don't know why you think you can talk to me, but please don't make this mistake again." Hurts so good.
Without the nurses (read as - people who actually know how to have fun), the MedMal will continue to be a night where a bunch of law students drink with a bunch of people who know that we can end their respective careers with one good malpractice case. That, my friends, is a recipe for one wicked party.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
This isn't a big deal, but it did remind me of the better days in undergrad. The days in undergrad where I entered a mano y mano taco eating competition in Nags Head. The rules were simple, who could eat more tacos in half an hour.
I won. Handily. This was no small feet, as I was facing off against a man of Latin American descent. I know what you're saying, "Tre, tacos are pretty much an American food." True, but I remember eating tacos more than once in Costa Rica, so take that.
The real moral of the story is that guys will compete in pretty much anything. There were rickshaws downtown this weekend, so what was my first thought? Let's rent two and make them race around the block. I just moved into an apartment with a nice view of downtown, first thoughts? Let's build a green on the roof of the house below mine, so we can have chipping contests (OK, this is a lie, my first thought was "Can I build a zipline to the Hofbrahaus?" I'm looking into the zoning.)
Oh, I guess you're probably wondering, final score was 26-14. True, I could have stopped when I saw him choking everything down around 12, but I have pride. Also, the pile of vomit that I left about 3 blocks away from the restaurant wouldn't have been as big.
And no, I don't order a grande meal when I go to Taco Bell, once again, I have pride (some)
Monday, April 10, 2006
So ESPN.com is reporting that the defense attorney for the Duke Lacrosse players says there is no DNA match. While the prosecutor has said even without a DNA match, he'll still go forward with the case, one would hope he'd reconsider. Everything has been fishy about this from the start. Check out the timeline. She makes the 911 call and reports the incident for the first time too drunk to move in the driver's seat of a car in a Kroger parking lot? All I'm saying is I say a lot of stupid things when I've been drinking. Furthermore, there are the discrepancies with the 911 call, but this wouldn't make for good news, so we didn't hear about it. What about the 8 days that passed between the alleged incident and the search that turned up the broken fingernails? These kids may be fratastic assholes, but they aren't complete idiots. If they had done something like gang rape a stripper, I'm guessing they would have disposed of any evidence before a whole week passed. No one questioned any of this evidence, mainly because everyone was busy tiptoeing around the race issue and the gender issue. There wasn't much room for logical analysis.
This may just be a big defense gimmick used to cast more doubt on the situation, but if it's not, there are a lot of apologies that need to be made. I'm talking to all you activists who ran to Durham to bang on pots and pans in front of a bunch of college kids' house. Allegations of rape and sexual assault are serious, but so is persecuting innocent people. There's no better rush than a rush to judgment!! Here's guessing the activists don't voice their regret as loudly as they voiced their condemnation.
Friday, April 07, 2006
Tre: what up
FiJ: how you doin
FiJ: i'm drunk in japan
FiJ: thought you'd appreciate
Tre: haha, nice
Tre: im doing well
Tre: in class in cicny
FiJ: get the pun?
FiJ: does that translate over IM?
Tre: haha, yes, very creative, i got it
FiJ: you love it
Tre: how is japan?
FiJ: its ridiculous
FiJ: tonight was a work party and they basically have a power hour... for 3 hours
FiJ: but japanese peopel can't hold their alcohol
FiJ: so the antics ensue
Tre: thats awesome
Tre: sounds like i need to move there
FiJ: they think i can drink a lot
FiJ: between your unfathomable height
FiJ: and ability to drink
FiJ: they would make you a deity
Tre: that would be amazing
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
So the question is, how do I parlay this into a federal judicial clerkship?
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
What blows more about moving is having a Tornado warning the first night you move into your new place. Oh, and your apartment is pretty much made out of doors and windows. Good times.
Monday, April 03, 2006
My first guess was that regular farts smell just as bad initially, but that they are then filtered by your clothes. This does not explain, however, why shower farts smell worse than regular naked farts. (The appropriate time for all of you to stop imagining me naked is... now.)
So clearly it must be the water. But why? How?
Friday, March 31, 2006
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Not to sound like a complainy-pants or anything, but we have come to adopt "I (heart) stress" as the official motto of You Can't Get Arrested for Being Awesome. We've taken to IMing it to each other to remind ourselves that law school is easy. And fun.
Well, now you can buy
Monday, March 27, 2006
I'd like to apologize to the tens of tens of people that read this blog. I've been trying to loose weight, and been a little successful. Everyone knows that skinny people just aren't funny. People will look at skinny people even if they aren't funny. People will not look at fat people unless they make them laugh. Therefore, there is an obvious inverse relationship between fatness and funniness, which completely explains this post. Doh!
Don't worry, Nye still makes it dinner every night. He's married, he doesn't have to worry about crap like this anymore.
Note: I am still fat, don't try to post comments saying "it's not working, ha ha ha." I'm talking to you, Freebird.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
I was sitting around the dinner table with a couple girls who were still in undergrad (supervised, don't worry). The techno song "Call on Me" starting playing on the computer, and one of the undergraders remarked that this was "her song" over spring break. She then let us know how she loved it when it came on in the club. I'm guessing every guy in the club enjoyed it when her song came on as well. Her version of the lyrics? "Come on me, come on me, COME ON ME." I can't think of any reason for guys to like this.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
It is obvious that the qualifications listed on my resume fall dreadfully short of what you are seeking in summer associates for this year. Therefore, I’ve decided to supplement my resume with the following letter, extrapolating a number of accomplishments and qualities that I did not delineate on my resume:
First, I’d like you to know that I have never been convicted, nor even accused, of a violent sexual offence. To my knowledge, there are no outstanding restraining orders pending against me. You will not need to spend any of your valuable time or resources defending me from various criminal charges. This should be a definite plus.
I have been known to watch Law and Order for 12 hours straight.
I’m somewhat interested in practicing immigration law. I have some prior experience in the field. I have guided over 300 families to the Wilamette Valley at the end of the Oregon Trail. While other associates may know how to make many very difficult decisions in various legal fields, I can guarantee that no one knows better when to ford the Green River or to caulk our wagon and float it across. No one, NO ONE, dies of dysentery on my watch.
My skill set is not limited to the area of immigration law. I’ve also been very successful in regards to business and commercial law. I cannot tell you how many red, white, and blue popsicles I bought with the proceeds from my lemonade stand. As a young child, I already knew the ways of the business world and diversified my clientele by offering not only lemonade, but also grape drink. I would be willing to run a similar stand for you and the other partners if hired this summer. My gumption will not be denied.
I have never cried during a game of baseball.
My dedication to “getting the job done” is tireless. I routinely eat boxes of Kroger cookies in one sitting. No milk. Not only does this speak to my pertinacity, but also to my ability to survive a nuclear winter. Imagine as all your “healthy” summer interns whither away and die during nuclear fallout. I would not only survive, but strive, on the stores of energy from my cookie habit. Thus, I would be infinitely more productive than any intern you have hired already. Thank you, oatmeal raisin.
I was named one of the top 20 “young power hitters” by Cincinnati Softball. If the firm’s summer league team is dragging, I’m an instant pick-me-up. Although I played in a regular poker game with Al Conte, I have never tested positive for any performance enhancing drugs. I mean, unless you count Kroger cookies as performance enhancing.
If you haven’t been swayed yet, let me leave you with this: I once ate 26 tacos in 30 minutes. The list goes on and on, from my success in defeating the Purple Troggle from Number Munchers to my wealth of knowledge in regards to the Saved by the Bell series. If I have not been hired in another few weeks, I’ll make sure to provide more incentive for my potential employers.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
For those of you keeping track at home, that's Cincinnati Weathermen 1, Nye 57.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Friday, March 17, 2006
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Monday, March 13, 2006
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
So what's in your iPod? Which bands are you rocking out to? Leave them in the comments, or drop a line over at his blog. Pete-Nye thanks you.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Best Actor in a supporting role: The award goes to Mr. M. for his role in "Let's Split a Cab"
Mr. M, when taking a cab home from the bar realized he was short on cash. He had the cabbie stop at an ATM near his house. While he was getting cash, a random girl joined him in the cab. She asked if she could split a cab home with him and he acquiesced (think you know where this is going? You're wrong). On the way home the girl began to throw up in her mouth, Mr. M grabbed her by the hair, flung the door of the minivan cab open and held her head out the cab while she vomited all over Linwood Ave. The cabbie didn't even slow down.
Best Editing: The award goes to Mr. Hollywood. for "Revisionist History"
Hollywood: "Yeah, we were so tired, we just kept moping around Millions all night."
Hollywood: "Yeah, OK, substitute the 'M' in moping with a 'G' and an 'R' and that's more like it."
Best Actress in a supporting role: The award goes to Ms. W for her role in "Crim Law Discussion: Rape"
When our prof asked the question as to whether or not simply saying "no" would be enough to remove prior consent Ms. W responded with her now famous retort:
"I don't think so, because come on, you know sometimes you're saying 'no, no, no' when you really mean 'yes, yes, yes."
Best Original Screenplay: Come on, you know it goes to Nye and Tre for "You Can't Get Arrested for Being Awesome"
Two of the wittiest, funniest guys in law school, we really deserve this. Not only are we hilarious, but we're also really, really good looking. Not to pat myself on the back, but pat, pat, pat.
Best Actor in a leading role: Mr. Professor for his role in "Classroom Quotes"
See previous blogs about classroom quotes: 1 & 2.
I'm working on the rest of the awards, check back later in the week for the rest of the first ever UC GAFBAs, including the dramatic conclusion where the 'Best Picture' UC GAFBA will be awarded. In the meantime, feel free to nominate people for the remaining awards.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
In 1967 a feller by the name of Paddy Roy Bates -- I'm sorry, Prince Roy I -- flew out to an abandoned anti-aircraft site about six miles off the coast of England in the English Channel, claiming the abandoned British emplacement as a sovereign nation based upon his own interpretation of international law. Rather than eject Prince Roy and his family or just ignore them altogether, in 1968 British courts dismissed a case against Prince Roy's son ("His Royal Highness Prince Michael") of firing upon a navel vessel, claiming that they lacked jurisdiction.
I tell you, the Brits are suckers.
Ever since then the UK has disavowed any responsibility for anything that has gone on at this fort, now known as Sealand. They looked the other way when the "Prime Minister" of Sealand and a group of his buddies staged a coup in 1978, holding Prince Michael hostage while Prince Roy was away. Upon learning of the takeover attempt, Prince Roy got himself a helicopter, hired some mercs, and retook the fortress. He even held the former occupiers as prisoners of war, and charged one of them (a German man with a Sealand passport -- yes, Sealand has passports) with treason. He made the Germans send an ambassador to negotiate the release, and claimed that their doing so constituted de facto recognition of Sealand's sovereignty. The Germans are suckers too.
Today Sealand is occupied by representatives of Prince Michael, and hosts a whole lot of internet porn. The Sealand "government" apparently takes a modest rake and lets almost anyone run their data through the Sealand network. It's a veritable cash cow.
Some time in mid-to-late 2007 (after we graduate and pass the bar) Tre and I are going to be borrowing (renting? stealing?) a helicopter and attempting to take over the William Howard Taft statue outside the back door of the law school. We will call it Taftonia, and we will run an internet gambling site from his rotund belly. Just try and stop us.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
I swung by Wal-Mart and picked up a "Vote for Pedro" t-shirt (cost, $10.64; funds remaining, $0.17) and grabbed a red Sharpie off my desk. I crossed out Pedro and proceeded to write my name below it. Then I put it on, and threw my dress shirt and coat and tie over top (I was coming from an interview) and headed back to the law school. Once the election meeting started I very casually took off my jacket and loosened my tie ("boy, it's hot in here, isn't it?"), unbuttoned the sleeves and pulled off my shirt, very casually, and just sit back and waited to see who would notice.
A few people noticed, and laughed, and eventually it spread around the room. Everyone was pointing and laughing and having a good time. But there was a problem. See, my name is Jeff. But in my effort to get the name centered on the shirt, I first drew a big blocky E between the second and third letters in Pedro, and then said to myself, "OK, just do the same thing on the other side." And so I drew another E.
Let me say that again. My name is Jeff. J-E-F-F. I made one E, and then I made another. Well, what could I do at that point? So I just wrote on the J and the F and hoped no one would notice.
So there I am, with my own name misspelled on a shirt that I made. Took a great idea that might have garnered me at least a few sympathy votes and totally blew it. I'm sure I didn't get a single one.
Maybe the worst part about it was that as I was standing there and everyone was laughing about it, someone handed me a bottle of white-out. That had not even occurred to me. I have a bottle sitting on my desk at home, right next to the red Sharpie. And still I came to the elections with a shirt that said "Vote for Jeef." I'm an idiot.
But hey, congrats to everyone who was elected. I think it will be a good year for anyone who is not named or working for someone named Waddle.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
"It's fucking 'tall,' asshole!" she said. At least, that's what I assume she said to herself. Gimme a break.
Monday, February 27, 2006
In March, Tre took in the Vagina Monologues and detailed the finer points of the legal writing process. Nye compared undergrad Spring Break to law school Spring Break. Meanwhile, Tre apparently spent his Spring Break at a strip club.
In April, Nye celebrated his birthday by keeping a running NFL Draft diary, and Tre lamented the demise of Cookie Monster .
May brought finals, which meant too much studying for Nye and plenty of drinking for both of us. Also, we both interviewed for a job that Tre got. Thank God.
In June we had our first fight about who's blogging and who's not. Tre went to Atlantic City and battled his own inner demons . And I can't shake the feeling that there was something else. Oh, that's right. Nye got married.
Pretty much all that happened in July was that Nye got his wisdom teeth out and Tre got kicked out of a bar .
August saw Nye ruin the best job prospect he had going, and Tre bid a fond farewell to a dear friend. There was also a smattering of fantasy football drafts and insensitive remarks about Greeks and hurricanes.
We'll recap the rest of the year in another post.