Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Exam time

Why is it that, now that our Evidence exam is here, all these people have decided to relocate to different seats from where they were the whole semester? Even the ones who weren't cramped by other students. Yes, I'm talking to you, Girl Whose Pants Are Too Tight, and Girl I've Never Seen Before. This is very inconvenient to me, and I do not appreciate it.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

That was really not fair

You know, exams are stressful enough without having your computer crash the day before your first one, causing you to lose your outline and several days' worth of class notes. Fortunately I take most of my notes by hand, and have been able to fill in the missing days with a classmate's help. And I'll be able to use my wife's computer for the exam. But the outline is still gone, and that computer has been known to freeze if it comes unplugged, and those are just two little stressers I did not need. Dammit.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

CBS needs to fire all of its announcers

All of them.

The following exchange just happened in the Bengals game when they showed a sideline shot of Marvin Lewis:
Play-by-play guy: "Bengals owner Mike Brown made his best decision ever when he hired that guy right there."

Color guy: "To use a sports analogy, he hit a homerun with that one."

a) "To use a sports analogy"? Like anyone watching a football game doesn't know that "homerun" is a sports term?
b) Technically, that was a metaphor.
c) And since, you know, it's a football game, why not try using a football metaphor?

Friday, December 08, 2006

A night on the town

Fun: Running into an attorney you used to work with at the bar while celebrating the end of classes.

Awkward: Realizing that said attorney is completely wasted on a Thursday night.

Really awkward: Being introduced to the attorney's friend, who says "[Name], alright, nice to meet you." And then turns to the attorney you used to work with and immediately says, "Hey, [Attorney], it's your turn to pack a bowl."

Monday, November 27, 2006

It's not what you know, it's who you know

And I know a lot of very smart people. For example, today's roundup at SCOTUSblog links to an article written by Joe Brunner, who happens to be a classmate of mine. Congratulations, Joe.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Go Buckeyes!

Big day for football. My beloved Buckeyes beat the hated Michigan squad, and afterward I went with two friends to see UC take on Rutgers. When we decided to go earlier in the week we thought we'd be scouting out a potential national championship game participant ( n.b., not a possible national champion--don't be ridiculous). We had no idea it would turn into our first-ever experience rushing the field. (I'm pretty sure, though, that my buddy and I were the only people to do it while wearing wedding rings. Probably getting too old for things like that.)

Anyway, can you believe that they actually dismantled the goalposts before the game was over? I was bummed.

Oh, and also, this makes for a pretty ridiculous BCS picture, doesn't it? I'm pretty sure that Michigan is the only team that has any shot-- at all--of beating Ohio State any time soon. Then again, that game might not have been that close if not for the bizarre OSU turnovers on the bad snaps. Those led to 10 late points, and even with that Michigan never really legitimately threatened to tie or take the lead at any point after the first quarter.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

What do you call the guy who finished last in his class at med school? "Doctor."

My wife is in the midst of interviewing for medical residencies. The hospitals usually host a reception dinner for out-of-town interviewees the night before the all-day interview. This gives the candidates a chance to get acquainted with the residents, and prevents them from having to sit around in a hotel room all by themselves.

At one such dinner on Tuesday night, one of the residents related the following tale from his interviewing experience. According to him, in some cities sitting around in the hotel room all by yourself isn't particularly terrible. One hospital puts its candidates up in a very posh hotel downtown -- and in one of its suites, not just in any old room. The suites apparently have a lounge space with a couch and television, a kitchenette, and French doors separating the living space from the bedroom and bathroom.

At breakfast the morning of the interview, the program director greeted the candidates with the usual pleasantries -- "Good to see you again! How did you sleep?" and so on. One candidate, looking a bit disheveled, piped up that he just didn't sleep very well at all, and was very disappointed with his room. Thinking there must have been a mistake, and feeling very embarrassed, the director replied, "Oh, I'm very sorry -- you were supposed to be in a suite. Was the room inadequate?"

"Yeah," the student replied. "When you walked in there was a kitchen right there, which was nice, but then there was just a couch and a TV. There wasn't even a bed or bathroom -- I had to groom myself over the kitchen sink!"

Needless to say, the genius who didn't think to open the French doors to find the bedroom and bathroom did not get a residency with that hospital.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Shut down?

Obviously I haven't been in the blogging spirit lately, and Tre disappeared months ago. We'll probably just let this thing die. Which is a shame, I guess -- this blog has a long tradition of existence to its reader. I dunno. I'll think it over.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

True or false?

True or false? It is a dick move when someone for whom you really want to work calls you up personally to tell you that you are not getting the job.

Saturday, October 21, 2006


My wife plays in a rec soccer league with her friends from medical school. Today was the last game of the season, and they only had 8 players. (Apparently, you need 11 to field a soccer team.)

So they found me an extra pair of shoes and gloves, I changed from my jeans into borrowed warm-up pants on the sidelines, and stuck me in goal. I am 24, and I have not played soccer since I was 6. And I played goal maybe once then.

We lost, 5-1. Embarrassing.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

A startling discovery

Normally I sit near the front of class, because in college I learned the hard way that when I sit in the back I don't pay any attention at all. Today I was running a few minutes late, so I grabbed a spot in the back of class so as not to disrupt anything.

I can't read anything on the PowerPoint projector. This is most unsettling.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Best way to be rejected by a firm

An email from a classmate reads as follows:


I was lucky enough to receive your rejection letter from [Firm]. They enjoyed meeting with you, but because they can only hire one person, they cannot extend second interviews to all qualified candidates. Any chance you have mine?


That's top-notch, don't you think?

Thursday, October 05, 2006


Taking off for three days to visit my buddy who is on leave from Afghanistan. I guess maybe I lied about things picking up mid-week. Sorry.

Monday, October 02, 2006

"Smell that, Rabbit?" [sniff sniff] "Fear."

We were out of soap in the shower this morning, so I had to wash myself with one of those loofa body-wash thingies.

I smell like pomegranate martini. Ironhead Heyward would be proud.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

You can't get arrested for being too busy to blog

It's true.
Things should pick back up middle of next week.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Two college football notes

First, I want to reiterate that the new clock rules are stupid. They shorten the game at the expense of exciting games. Georgia just scored a TD with 46 seconds left to take the lead by 1. Under the old rules, Colorado would have gotten the ball somewhere in the neighborhood of their own 30 with about 40 seconds left (assuming that UGA would have squibbed because the clock would start on the receiving team's touch). Instead, Georgia kicked it deep, it was returned to the 20, and by the time Colorado ran their first play there was only 30 seconds left. After a sack, a spike, and a delay of game, they had only one more shot down the field. In other words, they got two plays off under this system where they might realistically have gotten 6 under the old one. How do these rules benefit everyone again? Isn't the idea to entertain the fans?

Second, during the Michigan-Wisconsin game they showed the old UM commercial which starts with a picture of Earth from somewhere out in space. Three names pop up in the corner, one by one, all Colonels. Then we see "APOLLO 15" on the screen, as an orbiting spacecraft comes into the picture. Then "An all U of M crew" splashes across the screen, and you can hear "Hail to the Victors" playing softly as the craft floats in front of Earth and passes out of view.

Obvious message -- U of M people are smart.

Message that smart people take away from it -- U of M people are still not smart enough to know that sound does not travel in space.

Go Buckeyes!

Friday, September 22, 2006

$185 million?

Just heard on SportsCenter that $185 million has been spent renovating the Louisiana Superdome. I don't know where that money has come from, but how on Earth is that justifiable? Aren't people still living in trailers? Aren't entire schools still shut down? For crying out loud, mail delivery was just restarted to a good chunk of the city in July. How many times per year does the Superdome get used? Twenty? Fifty?

I wonder what The Sports Economists would say about this.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Welcome to the 21st century

I am getting digital cable on Thursday. I don't even really watch TV, but this makes me feel very grown up.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Poll question

A few days ago I finished class at 11, and started eating my lunch -- I had skipped breakfast and was quite hungry. So as I'm sitting there eating my two pieces of cold homemade pizza, a friend comes in and chastises me: "What on Earth are you doing eating pizza for breakfast?"

There are two problems here. First, eleven o'clock is not really breakfast time anymore, and even though it was in fact my first meal of the day, if you come across someone eating at the law school at 11 a.m., you should assume they're just eating (an admittedly early) lunch, right? Second, and more importantly, when the hell did cold pizza become an unacceptable breakfast food? Until Thursday I was under the impression that every person in the whole wide world has at some point eaten cold pizza for breakfast. Or at minimum anyone who has ever been to college. But no, this guy thinks I'm the weird one here.

So I put it to you, dear readers. Cold pizza -- delicious breakfast food? Or victual of heathens?

Never had cold pizza for breakfast, good grief. Just another reason why Michigan sucks.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Well then

You know you're not getting the job when they misspell your name--which is only three letters long--on the envelope. Ouch.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

More NFL news

Hey, did you guys know that this Sunday night game pits the Manning brothers against each other? Huh. You'd think we would have heard more about this.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Blogstorm attempt numero uno, part deux (or something)

I blogged yesterday about how awful the new clock rules are in college football. Turns out there's a great petition site out there -- check it out:

Blogstorm attempt numero dos

Those of you here in Cincinnati know what this guy's talking about -- Time Warner sucks.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

New rules

I keep hearing about the power of the internet and how bloggers are changing the world. Well, consider this the start of the blogosphere groundswell revolution thingy, if there isn't one already, to repeal the clock rule changes in NCAA football. I mean, how awful is this approach? Take last night's FSU-Miami game for example. Nobody wants to see Miami have to take timeouts after a punt to stop the clock before first down. These new rules are completely changing the complexion of close games. It is now completely impossible to punt away the ball late in a game and prevent the play-clock run-off on each of your opponent's downs. The result isn't just shorter games (and don't even get me started on which idiot decided shorter games was a good thing), it's less compelling games. Can you imagine how that FSU-Miami game might have been different last night if Miami didn't have to let the clock run off an extra 25 seconds after third down on FSU's last series? I mean, ultimately we probably still would have seen Kyle Wright throwing an interception, but it would have been a less hurried interception. I just -- aarrgh! You know? Ridiculous.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Go Cougars!

When you get to be an old man like me, [1] you have to live vicariously through others. So just to let you know, I will be doing that all football season, living vicariously through my friend who plays football at BYU. Yes, I know I blogged about this last year when I went to see him play at Notre Dame. Yes, I know that none of you care about Mountain West football. But the Cougars will be on TV now and then in my neck of the woods, so I will periodically be updating you on his progress. In case you care to watch, he is no. 48—Andrew Stacey. He's an OLB by trade, but you're more likely to spot him on special teams (he's on the punt, punt return, and kickoff return teams at the moment).

Anyway, he has been on TV a lot so far, including a nice shot about six seconds long doing that Samoan dance in the pre-game.

So yeah. That's what I'm doing on this Saturday night.

[1] Full disclosure—I am only 24.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Laguna Beach Top Quotes of the Night

Kami and Kendra crashing Rocky's party:

Kami: We're goin to crash a party!
Kendra: I just just don't want her to think that she can come to my and that would be ok.
Kami: (matter of factly) Well of course she can't.
Kendra: You know what, that's why I feel bad, because of someone did this to me, oh my god.
Kami: We're not crashing a party, we're just merely showing up uninvited.

Cameron and Jessica leaving dinner:

Jessica: Would you be sad if I died?
Cameron: I'd probably just call up Kendra

Overheard in Law School in honor of Nye

3L: i can feel pizza rumbling around in my belly
2L: i just took a crap that could choke a donkey, haha...that was funny
3L: have you ever crapped in a donkey's mouth? It takes more than you would think

Monday, August 28, 2006

Time to shake off the dust

So I was attempting to retire from blogging, but we're back in school, and school is not the same for me without YCGAfBA. Tear. So I'll try to get back on the horse using the baby steps method. So today's will be short, and mostly unfunny.

I remember 1L year, when everyone got here an hour before classes started, furiously rereading cases before class, hoping not to get called on, but still generally excited to be here.

Then there was 2L year, we showed up late for class, added and dropped until we got a schedule that fit with our work schedule and still let us sleep in one or two days a week, and generally didn't really care to be back.

Then there is 3L year, and I quote: "Man, it is pouring outside, I don't think I can come to class in this."

Welcome back.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

You'r an idiot

Sign spotted at the Steelers-Eagles preseason game Friday night in Philadelphia, held up by two fans in Eagles jerseys and motorcycle helmets, in big green letters:


I don't think that really comes through. Let me try again:

Big Ben -- don't forget Y-O-U-apostrophe-R helmet.


On the other hand, as a friend points out, "I have to hand it to 'em. I thought I had seen all the possible ways to screw up the permutations of 'your.' This is new and creative."

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Aww, aren't the 1Ls cute?

Overheard this morning:

1L girl: "No, I think I'm going to the library. I need to read Mayberry v. Mathison."

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Blogger trouble?

Am I the only one who can't log in to Blogger? Come to think of it, I haven't been able to log in since they announced the new Blogger Beta like a week ago. These posts are coming to you via email, and that works OK. But it's annoying.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Overheard in the card aisle

A couple shopping for a birthday card:

Woman: "Happy birthday, and many, many more."
Man: "What? No. 'Many, many more'? Listen, she's ninety-two, and nobody wants her to make it to ninety-three."
Woman: "Hm, you're right. How about this one? 'Peace for your soul, joy for your spirit, love for your heart. Inside--May these things be yours, especially today.'"
Man: "That's not bad. It doesn't say say 'we love you' anywhere in it. Isn't there one that just says 'it's your birthday'?"
Woman: "Not that I can see. Maybe we can make a custom one."
Man: "No way am I spending an extra two dollars on this. Let's just get that last one. She won't read it anyway."

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Done and done

Today was my last day at The Job. Happy to be done, I have to say. Oddly enough, the last two days were the best of the entire summer, and not just because I was looking forward to being finished. Finally got around to a pretty interesting project--wrote an appellate brief on a very boring issue which I really liked. Now that is something I could do for a living.

Class starts on Tuesday. I presume that means there will be more procrastination to be done, which means more blogging. I guess we'll see.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Reap what you sow

I do not exactly have what you'd call a green thumb. Where I grew up, we tried to put together a garden, but it would inevitably get eaten by deer or run over by the center fielder in our side-yard baseball/kickball/whiffleball games. So when we planted 11 tomato plants, 1 cucumber, and 5 pepper plants this spring, I thought maybe we'd get a couple of meals out of it. Well, today we pulled off about 15 pounds of tomatoes, and now I expect to do so about every week for the next month or so, maybe more. We've got cucumbers the size of my . . . arm, and plenty of peppers to boot. Lyco would be proud.

So, I guess my point is, if any of you need tomatoes (mostly roma, but some other ones too), I am your man.

Not a very blogtastic week in my world. Sorry.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Did I ever tell you . . .

that my childhood dream was to become a fighter pilot in the Air Force?

Yeah, I gave up on that in about second grade when my friend told me on the bus that in the Air Force you have to make your bed every day.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

My background in the sciences is really paying off

I will spare you the details of why I'm looking forward to the end of the summer, but I should acknowledge that I'm not totally wasting my time or anything. I'm learning a lot, including how to sneak things like this into motions I'm writing.

(Background: The Ohio Rules of Civil Procedure require parties to make a good-faith effort to negotiate any discovery conflicts before moving the court for either a protective order or an order to compel discovery. In this particular case we had been served with requests for production, and had responded that the documentation was not within our possession, custody, or control, but that we would supply it as soon as it became available from the appropriate party. Without bothering to call us for an explanation, the opposing party moved to compel. This is part of my response.)

Moreover, the Motion should be denied because Plaintiff is not required to produce documents which are outside its possession, custody, or control. See Oh. R. Civ. P. 34(A) ("Any party may serve . . . a request to produce . . . documents . . . that are in the possession, custody, or control of the party upon whom the request is served."). Plaintiff is also unable to produce said documents because in addition to being bound by the laws of the State of Ohio, Plaintiff is further bound by the law of conservation of matter, and cannot conjure documents out of nothingness. See Wikipedia, Law of conservation of matter, (last visited July 28, 2006). In deference to the laws of nature, Plaintiff will provide the documentation as soon as it is physically able to do so.

Monday, July 24, 2006


Typically I'm not one for countdowns, as I think when you focus on getting through to a particular point in time you often do so to the exclusion of other important things--after all, we only have something like 25,000 days on this mortal coil, right?

But . . .

We're looking at 17 days, max, left at this job. So there's that.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Fun with footnotes

Alright, maybe I'll blog a little more. But before long you may find me on a new blog or two, with a few extra people to lighten the load and provide you with the brilliant commentary you love so dearly.

I'm brushing up my law review paper before it goes to through the publication process, and this may be one of my last chances to add any footnotes. I am proposing adding the following, but am open to suggestions:

Well-established canons of jurisprudence—such as the Ashwander Rules [178]—require courts to avoid deciding constitutional issues when a case can be disposed of on non-constitutional grounds. [179]

[178]. . . . .

[179]. Commentators often refer to this refusal to decide constitutional questions as a "punt," meaning that the Court shirked its duties by taking what is perceived as the easy way out. See, e.g, Linda S. Mullenix, Another Easy Case, Some More Bad Law: Carnival Cruise Lines and Contractual Personal Jurisdiction, 27 Tex. Int'l L.J. 323, 339 n.91 (1992). The author objects to the use of the term "punt" as a pejorative. In football, the punt is an important tool for improving field position and preventing the opponent from scoring. Henceforth, the author proposes to use the term "icing." In hockey, icing occurs when a team clears the puck from its defensive end across three lines, including the opposing goal line. Play is stopped, and the puck is returned to the end from which it came for a face-off in front of the goal. See NHL Rulebook 123-24 (2005-06 ed.), available at (last visited July 19, 2006). This situation is much more like a court taking the easy way out than a punt in that it only delays the inevitable—before long, the puck/issue is back in front of the goal/court for another face-off/trial.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

By the way

Thinking about not blogging anymore. (And no, this is not any sort of plea for attention.) I mean, Tre has already flown the coop, if you hadn't noticed. I'm sort of just hanging around here for no good reason. Seems something of a shame to disappoint our loyal reader though.

Step 1: recognizing that you have a problem

It is official. Despite my protestations and insistence to the contrary, I am addicted to coffee. I have been awake for six hours, and yet I cannot clear the cobwebs from my brain because I haven't had my morning joe. This is a problem.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

More news from The City

A friend writes:
So, this happy little incident occurred at the subway station where I catch the train pretty much every day, not two blocks from my apartment. Although it's hard to pick out my favorite part, I think I have to go with the fact that the suspect was "possibly carrying a teddy bear." Have you ever read a more surreal sentence? Did the teddy bear tell him to do it, laughing maniacally like Chucky? How was he even carrying it if he was "wielding a saw in each hand?" Just a little taste of NYC.
I am speechless. I am without speech.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

On the World Cup

An email:

France 1-0 Portugal! It's too bad Germany lost or we could stage the Final as a WWII reenactment -- Germany could jump out to like a 4-0 lead in the first half and the French would give up like the cheese-eating surrender monkeys we all know and love. Then the American team would volunteer to play the second half, whoop some serious flarkin ass, win 5-4, beat japan for good measure, and go on to be the world's only soccer power. Then, 50 years later, we would get sniped by a group of rogue soccer players from no discernable nation, we'd elect an Idiot coach, perhaps Bill Parcells, and would engage the rogue soccer players in games that didn't resemble the soccer of yesteryear at all. The French would refuse to help, yet would claim that they won the '06 Cup outright, and we'd still make fun of them.

And the reply:
Well done. But your forget that in the meantime we would have an intense soccer rivalry with Russia where we would refuse to ever play them while designing increasingly sophisticated cleats, balls, and shinguards which we would spend half of our GDP on. The American squad would come in as a sub for the French squad who themselves were subbing for a Vietnamese squard in a match against another bunch of Vietnamese who were using a Russian playbook. That would be a scoreless game. After a few more years of refusing to play the Russians, during which time an Afghanistan soccer team using surplus US jerseys beat a farm-league team from Russia in a pick-up game. In the end we would declare ourselves the winners of the Russia US soccer rivalry. At that point we would all agree that perhaps we have too many soccer balls and make Russia decommission theirs while trying to keep north Korea from developing goal-scoring technologies.

Monday, June 26, 2006

More news from firm life

Once again, news from Big Law:
So here's some good summer associate gossip. One of the girls I work with has a good friend who is a summer at Paul Hastings LA office and apparently witnessed this first hand. I think, though I'm not sure exactly, that this took place Tuesday night.
So they were having a firm sponsored happy hour. You know the drill. One of the summer associates apparently got out of his gourd wasted. He goes to USC (figures), and was reported to be a very quiet and polite Indian guy. Not this night though. A very well liked senior associate was there with his pretty, blonde, fiance. The summer associate starts to say really loudly and angrily about how he would like to F*** her. Everyone around, including the associate can hear this. He keeps going, despite people trying to shut him up and is extremely vulgar and profane. Eventually the associate whose fiance this is comes up to him and tells him that he understands that he is drunk, but he should really just keep it down because he's making a scene. Very nice way of dealing with the situation, considering. Instead of shutting up at this point, the summer associate goes off. Things along the line of "you don't F****ing know me you F****" and apparently threatened to stab the associate. Yeah.
So the next day he has the balls to show up at work, only to find that his desk has been cleared out, his carpets all freshly vacumed, etc. Done for.
I've heard of people not getting offers, but never straight up fired in the middle of the summer. Can you imagine? How will he ever work again? He's going to have to become a sole practicioner in Oklahoma...

Friday, June 16, 2006

Hiatus from blogging, life

Taking off for a week. Tre will get you through to the other side, I'm sure.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

An open letter from all summer associates to all assigning attorneys

I would like to reiterate, at the outset, that I am not summering at a firm, and this therefore does not reflect how I feel about assigning attorneys in general or any specific assigning attorney in particular. But a friend has prepared this letter, and from what I hear all assigning attorneys might be a little better off having read it. Consider it my gift to all of you summers out there. I chide because I care.

Dear Assigning Attorney;
With all due respect, dick, I gave you a memo. Perhaps, now that you only have to bill like two hours a day, you feel that time is not a crticial factor. Well, allow me to open your eyes. I've got shit to do, and I cannot do it if YOU shit ME. I need feedback on my memo so that the overpriced legal services we provide to our clients can be a slightly less egregious violation of the laws of fair pricing because I cannot provide quality or timely work unless you throw me a friggin bone. For you see, while I may not respect your legal reasoning, analytical, or general writing abilities, somehow people like you have become the standard by which such things are measured. I, as an intelligent person, do these things a certain way and it is counterintuitive for me to do them badly unless you show me how. So unless you want me to sit here with my thumb up my @$$ and bill it (which i suspect you would not mind) I need that damn feedback and I need it yesterday. It took me less frigging time to write it then it has taken you to read it. I realize that you're functionally illiterate and you're a partner here because your dad's name is on the door and your 4th tier or Ivy League lawschool (take your pick) professors cared more about the hefty bribes and sexual favors you threw at their closeted asses than they did making sure you learned anything, but despite all of this I dont think it is too much to ask for a turnaround of less than a month on a four page memo. Thanks very much.
Summer Associate

Monday, June 12, 2006

For those of you who missed it (most likely all of you)

The NHL Finals are happening as we speak. Carolina is up on Edmonton 2-1. Game 4 is tonight. But like I said nobody is watching, at least here in the States. In fact, NBC is counting on so few people watching that--well, how to put it?--they actually just reused footage of the national anthems from Game 3. Yes, I'm serious. The same guy singing, the same two mounties flanking him, the same goofy guy right behind the bench singing his lungs out, and the dude in the middle taping the thing on his cell phone. Ridiculous.

Or so my pseudo-Canadian friend tells me. I wasn't watching either.

(UPDATE: Here is the intro from Game 3. Unfortunately it's the CBC feed, not NBC--"I should have known that no American would upload it," my friend remarks--but as soon as I can track down the Game 4 clip I'll update again. I know you're all waiting with bated breath.)

(UPDATE No. 2: You really need to check out that footage. Scan to about the 2:30 mark and check out that guy's suit. I'm told his name is Don Cherry, and he's like the Canadian Madden, only crazier, if you can believe it.)

Friday, June 09, 2006

Bonafide Update

This individual is the poster boy for Ohio building prisons, . . . . We are optimistic today that he just hustled his way into life behind bars.”

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Meet Judge Gregory A. Prisnell

It's time for another part in the "Judges Nye Wants to Clerk For" series. (Parts one, two, and three.)

This case, I'm told, involves two attorneys whose officers are four (4) floors apart in the same building. They have apparently been wholly unable to agree on any pre-trial matters, and counsel for Plaintiff apparently asked the judge to designate a location for a deposition. The judge denied his motion and entered this Order [PDF]. You will not be disappointed.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Quick Thank You

I'd just like to thank the parents who have fired the television babysitter and turned to the movie theatre sitter. My viewing of X-Men 3 tonight was significantly bettered by a row of pre-teen kids making fart noises, slurping drinks as loud as possible, and then, the clincher, attempting to mimic sex noises. If these were my kids, I wouldn't be blogging right now, I'd be beating them.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Firm life

I am not summering at a big firm, so I rely on my friends and classmates to keep me posted on what that's like. So I was thrilled when I got this email the other day:
By the way, I discovered the ultimate way to get on the good side of a partner today. I go to use the restroom, and when I walk in, someone is cutting gigantic farts. I mean, the type that shake the stall walls. So, I suppress my laughter and out walks one of the senior partners of litigation.

He's stopped in my office twice today to say, "hi." At my firm, partners just do not drop in to say "hello." I think he was truly embarrassed and is attempting "the nice routine," in order to make sure I don't spread the story of my bathroom experience.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

And I thought Ohio had a lot of orange barrels

Road sign spotted on US-93 near Las Vegas:

"Construction on Route 93. May cause delays from 2003 to 2008"

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Defending Cleveland

Job hunting is tough. If you don't have something on your resume that makes you stand out, you're just another face in the crowd. I'm not at the top of my class, I don't have a famous name, and I haven't summered at a top-100 firm. So I added an "Interests / Other" section to my resume and included, of course, "Was born and raised on a miniature donkey farm." It's been brilliant as an ice breaker--I've been asked about it in every single interview. People love it.

Naturally I couldn't have just one "other," so I decided to add "Defending Cleveland" to the list. I'm an outsider here in Cincinnati, and I'm always having to stick up for my home town. That's worked pretty well too--Cincinnati and Cleveland are much more similar than a lot of people realize, and both have a lot going for them.

But after seeing this, I am striking "Defending Cleveland" from the proverbial record. Good God. They say you can never go home again, and they are right.

I am having fun

I will return to blogging after the Memorial Day weekend, with a vengeance.

Nye, I'm having enough fun for the both of us, except for my car breaking down and my cable being shut off.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Summer plans

Yes, I know, we're rotten bloggers. But we've reached the summer doldrums and I'd be shocked if more than a handful of you were reading this anyway. For those of you who are, though, here is what I have on tap for the summer, in no particular order:
  • Started a new job yesterday. The goal for that is to learn a lot and not get fired at any point during the summer, not even once.
  • Have started asking professors for letters of recommendation for judicial clerkships. 2 for 2 so far, with one more to go in the morning.
  • Around-the-house project no. 1 is complete: I have cut down most of the bushes in the back yard that were leaning on my fence and "encumbrancing" the sidewalk. Around-the-house project no. 2 is not: I need to somehow make it look not shitty.
  • Law review lead articles to cite check (with a partner): 2
    • Approximate number of foonotes in my half of the papers: 300
    • Number of footnotes completed so far: 1
    • Days left to complete the first half: 26
  • Will start the second job July 1. It's a research assistantship with a new IP professor who is coming in from Harvard, and judging by his latest email to me he appears to have a great sense of humor. So obviously I'm looking forward to that.
  • Semi-school-related goal no. 1 for the summer: read every Supreme Court opinion from OT 2005
    • Opinions released so far: about 45
    • Opinions read so far: about 12
  • Semi-school-related goal no. 2 for the summer: don't compulsively check for grades. Haven't checked once yet.
  • Weddings: best man in one, attending at least three more. Also celebrating our first anniversary.
  • Fun reading: have a few books on my nightstand at the moment ("The Undercover Economist," "Freakonomics," and "Night"). Hopefully will get through those before too long.
  • Family vacation in June. And by "family vacation" I mean camping with my wife and dog in northwestern Michigan.
That's all that comes to mind at the moment. Hopefully that won't really be everything I do this summer, but to be perfectly honest I'm just boring enough that it might be. I'm sure Tre, meanwhile, is having enough fun for both of us. I mean he must be, right? Because he's obviously too busy to blog.

Monday, May 22, 2006

New job

New job starts today.

Yeah, that's all I got.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Quote of the day

I am departing momentarily for Cleveland for a weekend of bachelor party debauchery. In light of my upcoming attendance at Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Semifinal game tonight, I leave you with this--Pistons forward Antonio McDyess claimed that Cavaliers center Anderson Varejao bit him in Game 3. But did Varejao bite him, or did the team bite him?

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Meet Insane Shane McKane

This might be the most absurd, trashiest, and funniest thing I've seen today. Insane Shane McKane's web site describes him as the "Great White Dope" and the "King of Country Bling," and says that "he is the first of his breed (maybe inbreed?) and he's damned proud of it." How can you not root for a guy like this? Anyone who has met me knows that I love me some "Redneck Rap." Check out an audio clip of Insane Shane McKane here.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

You Can't Arrest a Bear for Being Awesome

Not to blog over Nye's free plug for Jordan (a guy who doesn't get enough ad space as is), but this is something you really should see today, before it's yesterday's news.

I mean, I've always liked the game Ninja, Cowboy, Bear as a replacement for Rock, Paper, Scissors, but now I will ALWAYS chose Bear.


Sorry for not blogging lately--computer problems.

I'm sure many of you have seen the commercial with the kids reenacting all of Jordan's moves. This video pairs the recreation with the originals. Pretty awesome.

Monday, May 15, 2006

I am an interview champ

Interviewer: OK, you've described yourself, now tell me how would someone who has known you your whole life, like a best friend, describe you in a couple of words?

Me: Well, I think they'd say I'm funny, I'm honest, and that I'm really, really good looking, which refers back to number one.

Interviewer: (writes down the three things I listed) (pause) Haha, alright, that's a good one, I'll be laughing about that one all day.

While I like to think I'm funny, a 2L buddy of mine beat me out last week:

Interviewer: This job may require you to look at some pornography, are you comfortable with this?

2L: Yes, I think I am . . well, do you provide vasoline?

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Dance, monkey!

This is definitely worth six minutes of your time. Wow.

UPDATE: The blog that I originally linked to has removed the post for some reason, so here is the video directly from YouTube.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006


Big Willie Taft, still throwing down after all these years.

Two out of three ain't bad

Well, if my schedule and transcript are to be believed, I am now a 3L. No, no--please. No applause, I--yes, thank you. Thank you. Please, you're embarassing me. Stop it.

I'm going to go celebrate by laying on my living room floor and playing with my dog. And none of you can do anything to stop me.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Student publication opportunities

Per a recent conversation with a friend of mine, I'd like to ask if anyone out there knows of publication opportunities for student-written articles. In particular, the paper concerns award of attorneys' fees during clemency proceedings for condemned prisoners, so something specific to the the criminal law/capital punishment area would be ideal.

Yes, I realize this makes me sound like a pompous ass, but no, I didn't write the paper. So blow me.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Quote of the day

Alright, the quote of two days ago.

Said by Damon Jones, who hit the game-winning shot in the Cleveland Cavaliers' 114-113 overtime victory over the Washington Wizards in Game 6 of their first-round Eastern Conference playoff series, after not playing in the first 52 minutes and 46 seconds of the 53-minute game:

"I tell people all the time I'm the best shooter in the world. If I didn't think so, who would? But I'm not the best shooter in the universe."

Friday, May 05, 2006

Cinco de Mayo explained

Everyone loves to celebrate it. It's an excuse for guys to drink Corona and margaritas and not get ridiculed for drinking "girlie drinks." However, most people have no idea about the history of the holiday. Fulfilling my duty as a beacon of light and truth in this cold, dark world, here is the true history of Cinco de Mayo.

It's a common misconception that Cinco de Mayo celebrates the first time that a Dirk Pennington, a tourist vacationing in Cancun, decided that his Corona would taste much better with a lime. Although that was a seminal moment in Mexican history, Cinco de Mayo actually celebrates the Mexican victory over French troops in the Battle of Puebla in 1862. This halted a French invasion of Mexico and has become a source of pride for generations of Mexicans. Note: May 5th is also the day Napoleon died, marking the beginning of the "pussy era" in France. Napoleon's last words are rumored to have been "Please, if France has any dignity left, don't lose to fucking Mexico in a war." (Note: the recent rioting and setting cars on fire in France has ended the "pussy era" and France has now moved into the "Detroit Sports Championship Celebration era.")

Another little know fact is the celebration of "Sixieme de Mai" in France. This celebrates the French victory over Mexican troops enjoying their siesta the very next day. This is also celebrated in France as the "last thing France actually won."

However, Cinco de Mayo has taken on a different meaning in the last few years. This happens to a lot of holidays. Look at Christmas. Christmas now celebrates a fat guy who likes to wear a red velour suit and give presents to kids after they sit in his lap (no, I cannot find "Kris Kringle" or "Santa Claus" on the Ohio Sexual Predator website, I'massumingg this is a clerical error, as this guy has to have been charged). Almost no one remembers the original meaning for Christmas these days. Anyway, back to Cinco de Mayo: male dorks of my generation (yours truly included) now celebrate this holiday as the birthday of actress Danielle Fishel. You may know her as Topenga from Boy Meets World and the reason for the beginning of sexual fantasies in your life.

Feliz Cinco de Mayo!!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

John Smoltz is a sinner

Strangest sentence I think I've ever seen in a baseball-game recap. From the Yahoo! story of Wednesday night's Indians-Athletics game:

Byrd got all the offense he needed and then some. He even received a call from Atlanta ace John Smoltz last week in which Smoltz admitted he envied all the run support Byrd was getting -- though both players are religious and being envious of anyone is not an accepted practice in their faith.

Uhm . . . what?

UPDATE (5/5): The reference to religion was apparently a joke that Smoltz himself made. I guess it makes a little more sense that way.

The Banks

In light of today's announcement that Cincinnati and Hamilton County have reached a deal on The Banks, I just thought I'd weigh in to warn you Cincinnatians that you should be wary of corporate welfare. That's it. I'm just sayin, is all.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Finals are here. That means lots of blogging.

Classes are finally over, and my first (only!) exam is Tuesday. And I have to finish my law review paper before then, so you know what that means -- this should be a very blogtastic week.

I know I didn't provide live coverage of the NFL Draft like I did last year, but I did want to weigh in with two thoughts. First, I really like the Browns' second-round pick, D'Qwell Jackson. I don't have any idea if he is a good player or not, but assuming that he is, I look forward to yelling, "You got DQ'd, baby!" every time he lights someone up or notches a sack. And I have two thoughts regarding their first fourth-round pick, Leon Williams. One the one hand, I'm not convinced that the Browns didn't try to pick Leon Washington, the running back from Florida State. But on the other hand, regardless of who they meant to pick, can anyone find out if this guy was part of the 7th Floor Crew? Here's hoping that he was.

In other news, best away message so far during finals: "Law school is like unprotected sex. You're happy you got in, but sorry you came."

Finally, I just thought I'd mention that I appear to have poison ivy in my belly button. No, not like a vine growing in there, but, you know, the irritation. No idea how that happened. TMI? No? OK, good.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

3 things you should know about me

1. I am INCREDIBLY good looking. Like, model good looking. Like, Derek Zoolander good looking.

2. I am, most likely, the smartest person you will ever meet.

3. Above all, I am modest. And humbled.

Monday, May 01, 2006

William Howard Taft, ladies and gentlemen!

The most famous alumnus of UC Law is William Howard Taft. Taft, of course, was our nation's 27th President, and the only person ever to serve as both President and Chief Justice. So outside the back door of the law school there is a nice little statue of Taft, in his robe, holding a copy of the U.S. reporter. (Sidenote -- It is rumored that the statue originally depicted a very rotund Taft, and people complained that he looked too heavy, and it had to be recast. This concerning the President who repeatedly got stuck in the White House bathtub.)

The inside of the law school is decorated with all sorts of photos of the building being constructed. (Sidenote no. 2 -- The building has a rather interesting architectural history -- the present building essentially consists of a shell built around the original building. It's kind of layered, like an onion. A rotting onion, yes, but an onion just the same.) One of the photos, just inside the back door, depicts the installation of the (thin, relatively speaking) statue I've just described.

About a month ago I was waiting for a friend near said picture, and was just standing there admiring it. A classmate walked by me, then turned around and said, "You know, I've never been able to look at that picture the same way since I realized it looks like he's sitting in a sex swing."

William Howard Taft in a sex swing

William Howard Taft -- UC Law alum, 27th President, Chief Justice of the United States, sexual adventurer. None of you will ever be able to look at that picture or that statue in the same way again.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Basic Contracts Review

For all you 1Ls cramming, check this out. It's an example of an "ultra-binding contract."

Seriously, this guy is a genius and he will win this bet. Help a brother out and click the above link at least 5 times an hour.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006


I know it's Wednesday, but I wasn't here on Monday or Tuesday.

And I just pulled a Monday by spilling coffee all over myself.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006


I know. You know. Everyone knows. Exams suck.

Just in case I forgot how awful studying is, every single law student on Earth posts something about how bad exams are/how miserable his or her life is on away messages this time of year. Some examples:

"Studying for Property all day, ugh, shoot me now!"
"Evidence party in the library, ok, not really a party"
"Outlining, go figure"
"I just want this next month to be over now"

I have a suggestion, stop bitching. Whining on your away message isn't going to make anything better. I mean, half the people who post these away messages are just watching American Idol or Lost anyway. The other half most likely read the false away messages, felt guilty, then put up an away message saying they are saving the world through Gilbert's (kidding, I know people are studying, I actually studied this weekend, then I burnt all my clothes and showered because I felt so dirty for studying on a weekend).

So this year, let's switch it up, let's make the away messages positive for once. So post a joke, or maybe a Chuck Norris "fact", or, even better, links to porn. As VB so eloquently put it: "porn always cheers people up, and sex (or masturbating for you) releases endorphins." Other acceptable away messages: quotes from funny law profs, links to Kevin Federline's mySpace page, an Oregon Trail high score, links to this blog, or haikus about inappropriate subjects (i.e. "Miss Debra LaFave, always sleeping with young boys, wish I was fourteen"). So don't be a typical law student Debbie Downer this year, mix it up, have some fun, stop being miserable. You're making me miserable by association.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Midnight Rider

If I was stuck on a deserted island and could only have one song playing over and over on the island's stereo system (I didn't say it was a desolate island), it would have to be "Midnight Rider" by the Allman Brothers. I wonder if my new neighbor mind that I've listened to it about 20 times in a row today while I cleaned my apartment. Based on his affinity for Sean Paul's "Temperature," I'm guessing he didn't even notice.

note: I may still choose "Cheeseburger in Paradise," just for the irony, or the theme song to Major League, it just makes me feel at home.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Another installment of Crim Pro quotes....

Some of these may be repeats, but I looked through the blog and don't think I've posted any of these gems yet.

“That’s how it was where I went to law school. You never left the library, it was like a truck stop. It was fantastic, I mean, you’d never leave. I know people that got married in there. We need to at least get a television, you know, so we could learn something.”

“I used to teach class outside all the time. I’d come in dressed in a robe like Jesus and mingle amongst the people. I’d break off my lecture like a loaf of bread. I’d feed 5,000 people with 2 pages of notes. It was amazing.”

(Addressing the silence after asking for a volunteer) “Not only do we need outlets for plugs, we need strings so I can pull your hand up in the air, that’s the way to do this.” (noticing a student not paying attention) “Want to take a shot at it? You’re looking out the window I see.”

“I’m going to Oxford later this semester, I was reading the description of the dorms we’re staying, and I said to myself, I wish I was staying at the MCC.”

“I mean, the only people going to public defenders are?….. LOSERS! The other guys have beaucoup money. Haha, just kidding, sort of.”

“Chris Henry, I mean, you wave a gun when you’re drunk, who among us . . . . who among us hasn’t mouthed off a little when they’re drunk. True, he was wearing his own jersey, he could have at least worn a Chad Johnson jersey.”

“Waving a gun around . . . this for a professional athlete? I mean, if he was a basketball player, he wouldn’t even be charged.”

“Do we have any Kentucky people here? No kinfolk? Aren’t all you people in Kentucky related?”

“The Ancient Greeks have consumed olive oil since the start of time and they’re still going strong, right? OK, bad example.”

“We have this football player, and he has this ex-wife and she’s taking his money and supporting her waiter boyfriend. He’s making beaucoup money, but then he’s going to the Super Bowl, then driving off in a Hyundai, I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger and all that.”

(After a lengthy debate on the death penalty, saying system is fine, it works, it's a necessary part of criminal justice etc.) “After saying all this, I’m against the death penalty . . . . . . . JUST KIDDING!”

“Facts of the case: We’ve got this guy ranching out in Montana, not really Brokeback, but close..”

“This all started with the Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan incident, but I mean, I can’t blame Tonya, if anyone needed whacking, it was Nancy.”

“At some point the Warren Court blew their collective noses and looked down and said, oh look, a right of privacy.”

Man-crush? Most definitely.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

I seeeee you!

Here's another question. I check our site meter from time to time to see how people are getting to this blog. Over the last three days or so, someone repeatedly has been Googling my full name, middle initial included, in quotation marks. Like, three or four times a day. And whoever this is appears to read like every page on the whole blog. And the IP is registered to "USCOURTS" in Washington, DC. This is interesting for two reasons:
  1. My full name does not appear anywhere on this blog. That's not because I have anything to hide--this is not, after all, an anonymous blog. But still, it's not there.
  2. I don't know anyone who works at any court in Washington, so I'm not sure (a) why anyone in Washington actually knows my name and (b) why that person would bother to read this blog. Repeatedly. Without bothering to just bookmark or remember the URL.

Bluebook Schmuebook

Dear Bluebook Editors,

You guys are morons. Seriously.


Addendum: I realize it is popular to bash the Bluebook, but it is deserved. And the problem is probably exacerbated by UC's decision to teach ALWD to the 1Ls. Do any other schools do this? For those of you who are taught Bluebook in your writing courses, do you find it more sensible? If there are any other ALWD students out there, do you then find it troublesome when you have to use the Bluebook on a journal or in practice?

Not that I think ALWD was particularly good. And the problems with the Bluebook are mostly that it's organized very, very poorly (though yes, some of the rules are just pretty ridiculous). Just wondering what others think.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Answer of the day

A few weeks ago I posed a question regarding a distant relation who is an accomplished federal judge, and asked for suggestions as to how I might establish some sort of networking contact there. Although some of the comments were very insightful . . . I thought I'd just throw it out there that apparently the more effective way to do it is to just write a letter, introduce yourself as her cousin, and tell her why you're writing. And then she'll send you an email and ask you to call her. It's pretty easy. I recommend trying it.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Outlines are people too

Ah yes, mid-April: lazy afternoons in the sun, baseball/softball diamonds are coming back to life, amusement parks are opening, and law students are panicking. It’s the time of year where every law student realizes that they are way under-prepared for the impending apocalypse of finals. Is it really that bad? Yes. However, we all lean on the same crutch to get us through the gauntlet or inferno that is exams, Alton from Real World Las Vegas. OK, we lean on him and outlines, but we don’t all lean on the same outline (there are many females who have leaned on the same Alton). We all have our different approaches to outlines, because we’re all different types of people. We match up with different outlines, because really, outlines themselves have their own personalities. I’ve listed a few types of outlines I’ve come across in my time here. Oh, and undergrads, these work for notes/flashcards for your finals.

The “younger kid in the neighborhood” outline – you’ve known this outline since before he was born, since he was just a 11 KB Microsoft Word file, not the 400 KB behemoth he is today. You bring him everywhere you go and you’re very proud of him. You let close friends look at him, but you don’t let anyone hold him when you’re not looking. You’re very protective of him, because he’s so pure to you. However, sometimes you have a falling out (after a bad exam) and you think much less of him and end the relationship.

The “best friend” outline – you met this outline a little later on in her life, but you still grew up together over the semester. She’d help you understand things, and you’d correct her when she was wrong about minor points. Eventually, you’d come to trust her so much that you’d stop reading cases and listen to her advice. Sometimes your professor would tell you not to depend so much on her, but you knew your prof was just jealous he didn’t have as good a friend.

The “friendly” outline – this outline loves groups. He loves it if you lay him out on the table and go at him with a bunch of different people. Girls, guys, it doesn’t matter, as long as he’s spread out on the table and being worked on. The more you pass him around the better. However, he has absolutely no substance, but he can tell you what 1Ls are hooking up with each other.

The “best friend’s girlfriend” outline – you heard about this girl from your buddy. All he did was talk about how awesome she was. However, you know that if you use her, and he finds out, your friendship is over. So you have to be careful and poke and prod. You use her and do well, but your buddy is always a little suspicious that you hit up his girl. There is no honor in using her.

The “best friend’s ex” outline – all you heard about was how awesome this guy was when your friend was with him. Eventually, you developed sort of a crush on him just be hearing about him so often. Finally, you ask your friend if you can use him about a semester after she has. She says yes, and it all works out. You feel a little guilty about using your best friend’s ex, but she was right, he is AWESOME. Sometimes it gets to the point where you’ll only take classes in which your best friend has an ex, it’s just that good.

The "trojan horse" outline - yeah, she looks really good, like really good. She has all the bells and whistles that you'd want. She says all the right things in the right way and makes you feel really confident. However, you get your test results back and nothing could be further from the truth. She had herpes, and getting with her, although you thought it was good at the time, is going to screw you for years to come.

The “dirty pirate hooker” outline – he’s been passed down from generation to generation. Steph Underwood first used him sometime in the late 70s, and every year a new generation of law students takes him for a spin. He’s really good at what he does, but you have to worry about whatever he might have picked up from previous partners, because you know you’re getting that from him. You may wake up the next morning with a burning sensation and regret using him. He's usually found in trash cans the morning after exams.

The “street hooker” outline – you picked her up a week before finals, and it will probably cost you in the long-run, but it made you feel better short term. Knowing that she was a professional made you feel better, but you knew that wasn’t totally right and you feel bad about using her the morning after your final.

The “Mail-order Hooker” – same as above, but you bought it from some guy selling out-sourced legal work from India. Odds are you come away seriously burnt from this one, but you were desperate. You hadn’t had an outline in 6 months.

Wow, I guess outlines are more like “sexual partners” than “people.” I mean, sexual partners are people too, right?. Anyway, I’m sure there are many more I haven’t contemplated, feel free to add to the list.

Everybody loves Mondays

From Prof. Wills today:
I agree with Eliot -- April is the cruelest month. But for me it's my allergies, and I'd appreciate it if you'd indulge me. I don't normally drink in front of you, but I'm taking so many drugs to dry up my nasal passages and my eyes that my throat is also dry. *Takes sip from carton of orange juice, smirks.* It's not spiked, though. I wish it were.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Law students, med students, oh my!

Wednesday night was the annual Medmal Mixer, the annual event where law students and med students get together and mix as well as middle schoolers at a 6th grade dance. You'd think that throwing together a bunch of young people, lots of beer, and a DJ would lead to some pretty crazy stories, but it doesn't. It can be summed up as a night starting with a guarded sense of optimism that always ends up in expected disappointment. This year was no different. It begins with the grade school freeze-out (law students one area, med students the other), followed by the awkward attempts at mixing, and ending with the inevitable conclusion that med students just don't know how to have fun (except of course, for Nye's wife).

So why do we do it every year? Easy, we're hoping the nurses show up, just once. The nursing students are like the guy or girl that you've always had a crush on, so you invite them to any social event you have, knowing full well that their response of "oh yeah, that would be fun, I'll see if I can make it," really means "I don't know why you think you can talk to me, but please don't make this mistake again." Hurts so good.

Without the nurses (read as - people who actually know how to have fun), the MedMal will continue to be a night where a bunch of law students drink with a bunch of people who know that we can end their respective careers with one good malpractice case. That, my friends, is a recipe for one wicked party.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

"I was built for tacos"

So I got some motivation, went to the grocery store, and made myself tacos tonight.

This isn't a big deal, but it did remind me of the better days in undergrad. The days in undergrad where I entered a mano y mano taco eating competition in Nags Head. The rules were simple, who could eat more tacos in half an hour.

I won. Handily. This was no small feet, as I was facing off against a man of Latin American descent. I know what you're saying, "Tre, tacos are pretty much an American food." True, but I remember eating tacos more than once in Costa Rica, so take that.

The real moral of the story is that guys will compete in pretty much anything. There were rickshaws downtown this weekend, so what was my first thought? Let's rent two and make them race around the block. I just moved into an apartment with a nice view of downtown, first thoughts? Let's build a green on the roof of the house below mine, so we can have chipping contests (OK, this is a lie, my first thought was "Can I build a zipline to the Hofbrahaus?" I'm looking into the zoning.)

Oh, I guess you're probably wondering, final score was 26-14. True, I could have stopped when I saw him choking everything down around 12, but I have pride. Also, the pile of vomit that I left about 3 blocks away from the restaurant wouldn't have been as big.

And no, I don't order a grande meal when I go to Taco Bell, once again, I have pride (some)

Monday, April 10, 2006

Duke Lacrosse

Don't get me wrong, rape allegations are serious, but they need to be evaluated seriously from both sides. The recent Duke "guilty until proven innocent" episode speaks to this need.

So is reporting that the defense attorney for the Duke Lacrosse players says there is no DNA match. While the prosecutor has said even without a DNA match, he'll still go forward with the case, one would hope he'd reconsider. Everything has been fishy about this from the start. Check out the timeline. She makes the 911 call and reports the incident for the first time too drunk to move in the driver's seat of a car in a Kroger parking lot? All I'm saying is I say a lot of stupid things when I've been drinking. Furthermore, there are the discrepancies with the 911 call, but this wouldn't make for good news, so we didn't hear about it. What about the 8 days that passed between the alleged incident and the search that turned up the broken fingernails? These kids may be fratastic assholes, but they aren't complete idiots. If they had done something like gang rape a stripper, I'm guessing they would have disposed of any evidence before a whole week passed. No one questioned any of this evidence, mainly because everyone was busy tiptoeing around the race issue and the gender issue. There wasn't much room for logical analysis.

This may just be a big defense gimmick used to cast more doubt on the situation, but if it's not, there are a lot of apologies that need to be made. I'm talking to all you activists who ran to Durham to bang on pots and pans in front of a bunch of college kids' house. Allegations of rape and sexual assault are serious, but so is persecuting innocent people. There's no better rush than a rush to judgment!! Here's guessing the activists don't voice their regret as loudly as they voiced their condemnation.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Boycott shampoo.

Demand real poo.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Life plan update: I'm moving to Japan

Friend in Japan (FiJ): TRE
Tre: what up
FiJ: how you doin
FiJ: i'm drunk in japan
FiJ: thought you'd appreciate
Tre: haha, nice
Tre: im doing well
Tre: in class in cicny
FiJ: get the pun?
FiJ: does that translate over IM?
Tre: haha, yes, very creative, i got it
FiJ: you love it
Tre: how is japan?
FiJ: its ridiculous
FiJ: tonight was a work party and they basically have a power hour... for 3 hours
FiJ: but japanese peopel can't hold their alcohol
FiJ: so the antics ensue
Tre: thats awesome
Tre: sounds like i need to move there
FiJ: they think i can drink a lot
FiJ: between your unfathomable height
FiJ: and ability to drink
FiJ: they would make you a deity
Tre: that would be amazing

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Another question of the day

My second cousin once removed is a judge on the Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals. For those of you who aren't good with consanguinity tables, let me construct this tree for you -- she is my dad's mom's dad's brother's son's daughter. Shockingly, I have never met her. Nor, for that matter, has my father or grandmother.

So the question is, how do I parlay this into a federal judicial clerkship?

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Finally Move is complete

It's 10 PM on Tuesday, and I can say I'm 95% done with moving. For the sake of argument, I'm calling that complete. Moving blows.

What blows more about moving is having a Tornado warning the first night you move into your new place. Oh, and your apartment is pretty much made out of doors and windows. Good times.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Question of the day

Why do shower farts smell so bad? I think on average they are probably 12 to 15 times worse than regular farts.

My first guess was that regular farts smell just as bad initially, but that they are then filtered by your clothes. This does not explain, however, why shower farts smell worse than regular naked farts. (The appropriate time for all of you to stop imagining me naked is... now.)

So clearly it must be the water. But why? How?

Friday, March 31, 2006


So I'm moving tomorrow, but it's a Friday, so I got the apartment key from my new landlord tonight. This means I have a completely empty apartment tonight. I attempted to persuade a few of my friends to sit around, drink, and play cards in the new place before going out tonight. I had always seen this as somewhat of a rite of passage. If you have an empty apartment, you drink in it, that's just what you do. However, my "new" law school friends are above this, apparently. It's extremely disappointing. I hope my new apartment isn't offended by their rebuff. I guess it's solitaire and solitary drinking.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Need to kill a few minutes?

This is my latest time-waster. I like comb-over, dreaming, and mustached.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Buy stuff

So, we've been busy lately. Hence the general lack of blogging. And even though we've just had spring break here, not much got done, and we've got a lot coming up in short order.

Not to sound like a complainy-pants or anything, but we have come to adopt "I (heart) stress" as the official motto of You Can't Get Arrested for Being Awesome. We've taken to IMing it to each other to remind ourselves that law school is easy. And fun.

Well, now you can buy crap junk cool stuff with the official motto of YCGAFBA. Tell your friends.

The official t-shirt of You Can't Get Arrested for Being Awesome

Monday, March 27, 2006

Adverse, MY ASS

I'd just like to point out that Nye tried to make a witty comment to me about "Adverse Possessing" the blog due to my recent inactivity. However, including this post, THAT'S THREE POSTS IN A ROW BABY! Adverse, my ass, Mr. Nye, adverse my ass. Don't get cute and say you will possess my ass, that is not funny.

I'd like to apologize to the tens of tens of people that read this blog. I've been trying to loose weight, and been a little successful. Everyone knows that skinny people just aren't funny. People will look at skinny people even if they aren't funny. People will not look at fat people unless they make them laugh. Therefore, there is an obvious inverse relationship between fatness and funniness, which completely explains this post. Doh!

Don't worry, Nye still makes it dinner every night. He's married, he doesn't have to worry about crap like this anymore.

Note: I am still fat, don't try to post comments saying "it's not working, ha ha ha." I'm talking to you, Freebird.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

A quickie...

...which will no doubt leave you unsatisfied, but anyway.

I was sitting around the dinner table with a couple girls who were still in undergrad (supervised, don't worry). The techno song "Call on Me" starting playing on the computer, and one of the undergraders remarked that this was "her song" over spring break. She then let us know how she loved it when it came on in the club. I'm guessing every guy in the club enjoyed it when her song came on as well. Her version of the lyrics? "Come on me, come on me, COME ON ME." I can't think of any reason for guys to like this.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

I have no job

Dear Sirs:

It is obvious that the qualifications listed on my resume fall dreadfully short of what you are seeking in summer associates for this year. Therefore, I’ve decided to supplement my resume with the following letter, extrapolating a number of accomplishments and qualities that I did not delineate on my resume:

First, I’d like you to know that I have never been convicted, nor even accused, of a violent sexual offence. To my knowledge, there are no outstanding restraining orders pending against me. You will not need to spend any of your valuable time or resources defending me from various criminal charges. This should be a definite plus.

I have been known to watch Law and Order for 12 hours straight.

I’m somewhat interested in practicing immigration law. I have some prior experience in the field. I have guided over 300 families to the Wilamette Valley at the end of the Oregon Trail. While other associates may know how to make many very difficult decisions in various legal fields, I can guarantee that no one knows better when to ford the Green River or to caulk our wagon and float it across. No one, NO ONE, dies of dysentery on my watch.

My skill set is not limited to the area of immigration law. I’ve also been very successful in regards to business and commercial law. I cannot tell you how many red, white, and blue popsicles I bought with the proceeds from my lemonade stand. As a young child, I already knew the ways of the business world and diversified my clientele by offering not only lemonade, but also grape drink. I would be willing to run a similar stand for you and the other partners if hired this summer. My gumption will not be denied.

I have never cried during a game of baseball.

My dedication to “getting the job done” is tireless. I routinely eat boxes of Kroger cookies in one sitting. No milk. Not only does this speak to my pertinacity, but also to my ability to survive a nuclear winter. Imagine as all your “healthy” summer interns whither away and die during nuclear fallout. I would not only survive, but strive, on the stores of energy from my cookie habit. Thus, I would be infinitely more productive than any intern you have hired already. Thank you, oatmeal raisin.

I was named one of the top 20 “young power hitters” by Cincinnati Softball. If the firm’s summer league team is dragging, I’m an instant pick-me-up. Although I played in a regular poker game with Al Conte, I have never tested positive for any performance enhancing drugs. I mean, unless you count Kroger cookies as performance enhancing.

If you haven’t been swayed yet, let me leave you with this: I once ate 26 tacos in 30 minutes. The list goes on and on, from my success in defeating the Purple Troggle from Number Munchers to my wealth of knowledge in regards to the Saved by the Bell series. If I have not been hired in another few weeks, I’ll make sure to provide more incentive for my potential employers.


Tuesday, March 21, 2006


I've got to hand it to the local weathermen -- they finally got one right. On Saturday night they started obstructing my television with winter warnings for overnight Monday, predicting 2 to 5 inches of snow and freezing rain. Normally when this happens we get a dusting, something like a quarter- to half-inch. So imagine my surprise when I woke up two a respectable two inches on the ground today. It almost covers my grass.

For those of you keeping track at home, that's Cincinnati Weathermen 1, Nye 57.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

I have no idea what to say about this

For those of you who miss the Winter Olympics already -- Evgeni Plushenko, men's figure skating gold medalist. (Video, with sound.)

Friday, March 17, 2006

Hail to the Chief

Congratulations are due to Tre, who was just elected President of the Student Bar Association for the 2006-07 year. One of the most impressive planks in his platform was his promise to uphold the great tradition of presidents from the UC College of Law, and get fat enough to be stuck in a bathtub like Wm. Howard Taft. (I've heard rumblings that there is a Taft biopic in the works, by the way, in which the 27th President will be played by John Goodman.)
Also, henceforth Tre will change his blogger name to Mr. President.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Amanda Hugginkiss

The gym teacher at my elementary school is named Mike Mikes. I have a distant relative who named her daughter (or son maybe, I don't even know) Sirius. I knew a guy once who named his dog Deeohgee (think about it).
But this takes the cake for worst name ever.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Happy Pi Day

Seeing as how most of the law schools out there are on spring break, and therefore no one is reading this blog right now [Ed. note: right now?] this is all the effort you get -- a link to a song listing 150 digits of pi. I'm no math expert, but I think she's off actually.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Choose your own adventure

I don't even know what to say about this.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Joke of the day

Courtesy of a forward received by my lovely wife, a doctor-to-be, from one of her classmates:

"Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

"I know you can't, I cut off your arms."

Hot damn, those med students know how to have a good time.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Rock out with your cock out

My brother is quite a creative fellow, and he likes to write short stories. From time to time he likes to get a little quirky and fill his tales with song titles, much the way lesser men might fill their conversations with sexual innuendo. To that end, he is asking for the help of you, our dear readers .

So what's in your iPod? Which bands are you rocking out to? Leave them in the comments, or drop a line over at his blog. Pete-Nye thanks you.

Second-best footnote of all time

The first, of course, was about the snitch bitch hoe.

But any federal judge that cites Billy Madison [PDF] is OK in my book.

Hat tip: Negligent Use of a Dangerous Mind.

Monday, March 06, 2006


Last night, the Oscars honored those individuals who have made movie theatre-going enjoyable over the last year. Today, I will honor those who have made my life more enjoyable over the last few months. Think about which one is more important. Without further ado, here are the UC GAFBAs (U Can't Get Arrested For. . . think about it, idiot):

Best Actor in a supporting role: The award goes to Mr. M. for his role in "Let's Split a Cab"

Mr. M, when taking a cab home from the bar realized he was short on cash. He had the cabbie stop at an ATM near his house. While he was getting cash, a random girl joined him in the cab. She asked if she could split a cab home with him and he acquiesced (think you know where this is going? You're wrong). On the way home the girl began to throw up in her mouth, Mr. M grabbed her by the hair, flung the door of the minivan cab open and held her head out the cab while she vomited all over Linwood Ave. The cabbie didn't even slow down.

Best Editing: The award goes to Mr. Hollywood. for "Revisionist History"

Hollywood: "Yeah, we were so tired, we just kept moping around Millions all night."
Tre: "Moping?"
Hollywood: "Yeah, OK, substitute the 'M' in moping with a 'G' and an 'R' and that's more like it."

Best Actress in a supporting role: The award goes to Ms. W for her role in "Crim Law Discussion: Rape"

When our prof asked the question as to whether or not simply saying "no" would be enough to remove prior consent Ms. W responded with her now famous retort:
"I don't think so, because come on, you know sometimes you're saying 'no, no, no' when you really mean 'yes, yes, yes."

Best Original Screenplay: Come on, you know it goes to Nye and Tre for "You Can't Get Arrested for Being Awesome"

Two of the wittiest, funniest guys in law school, we really deserve this. Not only are we hilarious, but we're also really, really good looking. Not to pat myself on the back, but pat, pat, pat.

Best Actor in a leading role: Mr. Professor for his role in "Classroom Quotes"

See previous blogs about classroom quotes: 1 & 2.

I'm working on the rest of the awards, check back later in the week for the rest of the first ever UC GAFBAs, including the dramatic conclusion where the 'Best Picture' UC GAFBA will be awarded. In the meantime, feel free to nominate people for the remaining awards.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

You can't get arrested for taking over a fort by helicopter

In fact, if you pick the right fort, not only will you not get arrested by whomever owns the fort, you will be recognized as an independent sovereign nation.

In 1967 a feller by the name of Paddy Roy Bates -- I'm sorry, Prince Roy I -- flew out to an abandoned anti-aircraft site about six miles off the coast of England in the English Channel, claiming the abandoned British emplacement as a sovereign nation based upon his own interpretation of international law. Rather than eject Prince Roy and his family or just ignore them altogether, in 1968 British courts dismissed a case against Prince Roy's son ("His Royal Highness Prince Michael") of firing upon a navel vessel, claiming that they lacked jurisdiction.

I tell you, the Brits are suckers.

Ever since then the UK has disavowed any responsibility for anything that has gone on at this fort, now known as Sealand. They looked the other way when the "Prime Minister" of Sealand and a group of his buddies staged a coup in 1978, holding Prince Michael hostage while Prince Roy was away. Upon learning of the takeover attempt, Prince Roy got himself a helicopter, hired some mercs, and retook the fortress. He even held the former occupiers as prisoners of war, and charged one of them (a German man with a Sealand passport -- yes, Sealand has passports) with treason. He made the Germans send an ambassador to negotiate the release, and claimed that their doing so constituted de facto recognition of Sealand's sovereignty. The Germans are suckers too.

Today Sealand is occupied by representatives of Prince Michael, and hosts a whole lot of internet porn. The Sealand "government" apparently takes a modest rake and lets almost anyone run their data through the Sealand network. It's a veritable cash cow.

Some time in mid-to-late 2007 (after we graduate and pass the bar) Tre and I are going to be borrowing (renting? stealing?) a helicopter and attempting to take over the William Howard Taft statue outside the back door of the law school. We will call it Taftonia, and we will run an internet gambling site from his rotund belly. Just try and stop us.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Vote for Jeef

We just had the elections for the editorial board of the Law Review, and let's just say that there's a pretty good reason I was not elected Editor-in-Chief. Yeah, I threw my hat in the proverbial ring, wrote my statement of interest, kissed buttons and handed out babies. And with only a few hours until the election I still had almost eleven dollars in the Nye for Editor fund. No sense letting that go to waste.

I swung by Wal-Mart and picked up a "Vote for Pedro" t-shirt (cost, $10.64; funds remaining, $0.17) and grabbed a red Sharpie off my desk. I crossed out Pedro and proceeded to write my name below it. Then I put it on, and threw my dress shirt and coat and tie over top (I was coming from an interview) and headed back to the law school. Once the election meeting started I very casually took off my jacket and loosened my tie ("boy, it's hot in here, isn't it?"), unbuttoned the sleeves and pulled off my shirt, very casually, and just sit back and waited to see who would notice.

A few people noticed, and laughed, and eventually it spread around the room. Everyone was pointing and laughing and having a good time. But there was a problem. See, my name is Jeff. But in my effort to get the name centered on the shirt, I first drew a big blocky E between the second and third letters in Pedro, and then said to myself, "OK, just do the same thing on the other side." And so I drew another E.

Let me say that again. My name is Jeff. J-E-F-F. I made one E, and then I made another. Well, what could I do at that point? So I just wrote on the J and the F and hoped no one would notice.

They noticed.

So there I am, with my own name misspelled on a shirt that I made. Took a great idea that might have garnered me at least a few sympathy votes and totally blew it. I'm sure I didn't get a single one.

Maybe the worst part about it was that as I was standing there and everyone was laughing about it, someone handed me a bottle of white-out. That had not even occurred to me. I have a bottle sitting on my desk at home, right next to the red Sharpie. And still I came to the elections with a shirt that said "Vote for Jeef." I'm an idiot.

But hey, congrats to everyone who was elected. I think it will be a good year for anyone who is not named or working for someone named Waddle.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006


This morning I brewed up and poured myself a nice, big, piping-hot cup of coffee, and left it on the TV stand at home. Dammit. So I went to Starbucks after my first class, and got a nasty look from the girl working there when I asked for "a small cup of coffee."

"It's fucking 'tall,' asshole!" she said. At least, that's what I assume she said to herself. Gimme a break.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Happy birthday to us

Technically, this blog turns one year old today. I say 'technically' because the first substantive post didn't come around for a few days, but this is good enough for me. Shall we recap the finer points of the last year? I think so. Why not? We'll recap a few months now and hit the rest later. It's either that or write these papers.

In March, Tre took in the Vagina Monologues and detailed the finer points of the legal writing process. Nye compared undergrad Spring Break to law school Spring Break. Meanwhile, Tre apparently spent his Spring Break at a strip club.

In April, Nye celebrated his birthday by keeping a running NFL Draft diary, and Tre lamented the demise of Cookie Monster .

May brought finals, which meant too much studying for Nye and plenty of drinking for both of us. Also, we both interviewed for a job that Tre got. Thank God.

In June we had our first fight about who's blogging and who's not. Tre went to Atlantic City and battled his own inner demons . And I can't shake the feeling that there was something else. Oh, that's right. Nye got married.

Pretty much all that happened in July was that Nye got his wisdom teeth out and Tre got kicked out of a bar .

August saw Nye ruin the best job prospect he had going, and Tre bid a fond farewell to a dear friend. There was also a smattering of fantasy football drafts and insensitive remarks about Greeks and hurricanes.

We'll recap the rest of the year in another post.

Sunday, February 26, 2006


Yes, changes abound. In addition to our first guest post and a new sidebar (twice the sidebars = twice the fun!), I might as well mention that I have added some links to my blogroll, listed below.

But what I really want to talk to you about today is the ridiculousness of criminals these days. Apparently they aren't getting enough attention drawn to themselves for doing stupid shit like robbing the local barbershop with "Bona fide Hustler" tattooed on their forehead, or killing their roommate for not refilling the toilet paper. So now criminals going and giving themselves ridiculous names to go along with their stupid crimes. To wit, the Ninth Circuit has recently affirmed the conviction and sentence of a guy by the name of Sylvester Norman Knows His Gun, III (PDF), convicted of aggravated sexual assault on a boy who was "four of five years old." And then the next week they one-upped themselves by affirming the conviction of Vernon Lee Bad Marriage, Jr. (PDF), who beat and possibly raped his girlfriend while on release from prison to attend an AA meeting.

Next I am fearlessly predicting that the convictions of Billy Bob Rapes His Sister and J. Montgomery Securities Fraud will also be affirmed. Anyway, here are those links, and I promise I will try to be funny again soon.