Sunday, December 25, 2005

Exam Recovery

Exams were awesome. I heart them. Nothing like completely depriving yourself of sleep, getting hopped up on any sort of caffeinated product, then attempting to make any sort of sense in answering ridiculous hypotheticals.

Some highlights from exam season:

1) The question on one of my exams that was basically “what have you learned this semester?” Now, while it’s funny to joke about this question showing up on an exam, it absolutely sucks when you’re staring at it, and you have 25 minutes left to answer it. I was tempted to answer with something like “I’ve learned not to answer bullshit questions.” However, I’m a huge pussy, so I frantically attempted to answer it in full.

2) Our exam software posting our exam code as EXAM JUICE. I do not know what exam juice could be, save for possibly a mix of tears, drool, red bull, and B.O. Mmm, exam juice.

3) Proctors who struggle with a general command of the English language. We’ve heard the same instructions for every single exam, so having someone take 30 minutes to read them is the only real way to make us suffer through them like it was the first time. Furthermore, it was great how they doubled up proctors for the larger exams. There was the wily, veteran proctor paired with the gun-slinging rookie. However, when the exam started they both would retire to their respective romance novels, paying no mind to doing any actual “proctoring.”

4) Our professor who brought us donuts, coffee, and an “Easy Button.” It was hard to tell whether it was an exam or an early Christmas, er, I mean, holiday party. That is, until the exams were handed out, and I realized that I hadn’t learned that much over the course of the semester or from Gilbert’s for the week before the exam.

5) The 1Ls having a lunch party in the cafeteria when we were having an exam in the room right next door. Typical 1L, figuring the law school universe revolves around them. As one 3L so eloquently summed it up: “The problem with first semester 1Ls is that they think they know everything, when really, they know absolutely nothing.”

6) The fact that I unwrapped my textbooks about 15 minutes before an exam. This isn't a joke, and I was very disappointed that I would no longer be receiving the full refund price. Bookstores are such a rip.

There were many more highlights, and I might amend this post as I think of them, but it’s time for a nap.

I hope all us goys had a Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

What kind of shoes do bison wear? Buffaloafers, of course

I know I've mentioned before that I grew up on a donkey farm but it seems that people don't really understand the type of life I've lived for the greater part of my existence. So let's try to put it in perspective. This is what's currently making the news in my home town. No joke, this is literally right around the corner from my parents' house.

Done for a month

The third semester of law school is officially in the books.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to hang out with my Uncle Woody.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Legal theories

Law school finals means that we've spent the last 8 days or so espousing a myriad of legal theories on various topics, ranging from Delaware Corporation Law to criminal procedure to intellectual property and employment law. My favorite so far, though, is this guy's theory about what happened to Dave Chappelle. There's passion, mystery, intrigue -- everything that the Fourth Amendment lacks, in my opinion.

And in case you hadn't heard, Comedy Central will be airing the untaped sketches from "Chappelle's Show" next year, so be sure to stay on the lookout for that.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Career Path



I think I've finally decided on a career in criminal prosecution. Reasons why:

1. I'd get to "put away the bad guys."

2. I find criminal law and procedure to be of "intrinsic interest" and not "required by the college of law."

3.














4.






























5.




























6. (Ranked lower due to leaving so early)





























7.














8.




























Seriously, how could I pick any other field?

OK, so maybe SNL is still a little funny

This clip was on last night. Unfortunately, I missed it because I was asleep, on a Saturday, at 11 PM. Really, law school exams make me pathetic. Snack attack, I'm ghost, like Swayze.

Sunday, Sunday, ok, not really

Big shout out to the NFL execs for the whole, don't let a team's home market see any other games but their own. Cincy's options for watching football today at 1 (the Bengals play at 4):

Jacksonville v. San Francisco

That's it. San Diego v. Indy is on CBS, but because the Bengals play on CBS at 4, we get paid programming instead. Let me remind you that we're about an hour and a half drive from Indy. Oh, and they haven't lost a game or something? You'd think the NFL would want to showcase a team trying to make history, even if the Bengals are playing at 4 PM. Playing the Detroit Lions, that is.

Who dey making this television schedule.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Poor scheduling

For the second consecutive year, the law school has decided to have some sort of maintenance work done in the libary during finals week.

Last year it was a guy carrying around a large aluminum step ladder, periodically cracking it open and closing it back up, then moving somewhere else and doing it again, for no real discernible purpose.

A few days ago there was a guy laying on the ground on the second floor (the third and fourth floors have balconies that overlook the second, so we could all see and hear him) running some sort of wires through a hole in a thick brick wall. He was periodically yelling to the guy on the other side of said wall, saying things like "ALMOST!" and "GOT IT!" and "JUST ABOUT HAD IT THERE, TRY IT AGAIN!" and "WHOOPS!" and "HANG ON!" and all sorts of other crap along those lines. Today they are doing work in the computer lab on the second floor, presumably completing the work from a few days ago. This time they're yelling things like "A LITTLE BIT FARTHER!" and "GONNA CUT BOTH ENDS OFF NOW!"

Ridiculous.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?

No idea if this is true. But if it is, wow. I mean the product is real, but I'm not sure about the article. This could be the most inappropriate item out there since Abercrombie & Fitch marketed thongs for six-year-olds.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

No seriously, NFL news this time

The Detroit Lions are shaping up to be one of the worst-run organizations in the NFL these days. In any given year there are a number of bad teams, but the Lions have been consistently poor as an organization for awhile now. Really only the Cardinals and Saints rival them, in my opinion.

So what do you do if you're a Lions fan? You come up with two great ideas to get your message across. The first is an "orange out." A group has asked the fans at this week's game to wear orange to make it look like Ford Field is filled with Bengals fans. My Michigander friend reports that the second initiative is the Millen Man March, a peaceful protest asking for the firing of team president Matt Millen. Since Millen took over after the 2000 season, the Lions are 27-50.

Pure brilliance.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

On take-home exams

From Frank M. Walsh:
"Law school exams are like gasses -- they expand to fill whatever space the professor gives for them."

So true, my friend. So true.

Must be finals time

For someone who doesn't like coffee, I sure am drinking an awful lot of it lately.

If any of you dear readers can give us any tips about the Fourth, Fifth, or Sixth Amendment to the US Constitution before, say, 9:00 am on Thursday, they would be greatly appreciated. Just drop them in the comments. If you don't, I'd say there's a better-than-even chance that we'll be asking again at this time next year.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

It's like watching a train wreck....

...but in a way more entertaining way. This is why the internet was invented.

Speaking of things that Mom did...

This story is almost as awesome as the last one, in a totally different way.

This Woman can NEVER Get Arrested

Talk about being awesome. I think her daughter's "My Mom did this" story will top all the other little kids.

Top-notch radio

I tuned in to a little bit of the Monday Night Football game on my way home from the library. The game was starting to get out of hand, so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised to hear this exchange between announcers Boomer Esiason and Marv Albert.

Boomer: "Bless you! [Name of producer] just sneezed right into my microphone. God bless you!"

Marv: "You feeling OK, [Name]?"

Boomer:
"Someone get me some disinfectant here. What is that stuff? I need some Purell, and I need it now."

Marv:
"Did he actually sneeze on you?"

Boomer:
"Man, I'm a germophobe. But who isn't, Marv? Who isn't afraid of germs?"

Marv
(patronizingly): "Boomer, try to calm down."

Boomer:
"Geez, wow. Someone get me something, here. Marv, do you know what the dirtiest place in your hotel room is?"

Marv
(obviously thinking about his biting-a-hooker-in-a-hotel-room incident): "Oh, I don't want to know!"

Boomer:
"Is it your phone? Is it your bedspread? What is it, Marv?"

Marv
(getting annoyed and uncomfortable now): "Aw, Boomer --"

Boomer:
"It's the TV remote! The TV remote! You gotta watch out for that thing. Or maybe bring your own if --"

Marv
(exasperated): "Boomer, I don't --"

Boomer
(gleefully): "I saw it on 60 Minutes!"

Monday, December 12, 2005

An olive branch

Here's a makeup to the real Bengals fans out there -- you know those Miller Lite commercials where everyone runs out for a refill at halftime? Well this Sunday during the Bengals-Lions contest, you can have former Bengals wideout Isaac Curtis go on a beer run for you. Bidding is currently at $102.50 on eBay.

You're welcome.

"Tookie" Williams, No shelter here

As reported by CNN.com, Governor Schwarzenegger has decided not to grant clemency to the founder of the Crips, Stanley "Tookie" Williams. Schwarzenegger released a 5-page statement detailing why Mr. Williams "deserves to die." The governator's aides were sent scampering for filler when Schwarzenegger submitted his first draft, simply reading "Terminate him."

I'm wondering why there is such an outcry for the man who founded one of the most violent gangs in U.S. history. I'm not sure his argument that he was framed for the 4 murders held too much weight with the 9th Circuit. I can imagine "Tookie" at his initial arraignment. "Mr. Williams, you have been charged with 4 counts of murder in the first degree." (huge exhale from Tookie) "Really, only 4 counts? Alright, I'm cool." I can't imagine that the founder of the Crips was only responsible for 4 murders.

Maybe he is rehabilitated, but I think this execution sends a pretty forceful message through the channels of general deterrence: "don't start a gang, assholes."

Dear Trivial Pursuit Writers

Please make sure that you keep someone under the age of 30 on staff at all times. This will keep you from asking questions with embarassing answers. For example, contrary to popular belief, the answer to the question under "INV" on this card is not "Digital Subscriber Line":

Needless to say, the unintentional comedy provided by this card made up for the incorrect answer. Hopefully most of our target demographic knows the correct answer.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Your bimonthly NFL update

Went to the Browns-Bengals game here in Cincinnati today. While I will resist the urge to talk about how it took the Bengals until the last play to beat a 4-9 Browns team and how they won't go far in the playoffs with a team like that, I do want to share one story with you.

Whilst leaving the stadium after the game with my brother and two friends, I kept hearing a high-pitched voice next to me. I ignored it initially until I realized it was directed at me. I looked down to find a young girl walking next to me whom I would guess to be about eight years old -- maybe a little younger, as she was missing two of her front teeth. She had been repeatedly saying "Long way back to loserville, asshole!" An eight year-old!

After I recovered from my initial shock, I explained that the joke was on her because I live in Cincinnati (she honestly appeared to be devastated, it was pretty funny). Then I told her father that he was a bad parent and that he should be ashamed of himself. I'm not entirely sure, but I think the girl started crying at about that point.

But seriously. Eight year olds, dude.

Oh, also, in other NFL news, the Chiefs just got shafted on that penalty on fourth and goal, and would someone please tell the Fox network that the Eagles, Giants and Cowboys are not only not the only teams in the NFC, they're actually the NFC teams that people in this city care least about? Any other team next week. Please. I beg you.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Exam time

Exams are here, and that means you need something to do besides study. Fear not, Phocas and Francis has you covered with a series of posts designed "for your prosrastination pleasure." There are eight installments so far. Hopefully more to come.

Do your good deed for the day

Sponsor a vegetarian.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

CPD and OIP Enter Turf War over Competing Bake Sales

I never thought that I'd see a turf war in my own backyard. Being caught in the middle of gang violence, like syphilis, is one of those things that you always think only happens to other people.

Brownies of the Ohio Innocence Project (OIP) clique, or donuts from the Center for Professional Development (CPD)? That, my friends, is the question.

The OIP had set up shop in the main hallway since Monday, peddling their baked wares in exchange for donations to their philanthropic organization. Their grassroots campaign encountered a massive roadblock on Thursday, as the CPD has set up a donut shop right around the corner, offering free baked goodies.

"It's ridiculous, it's a clear-cut example of predatory pricing, how are we going to compete with that? I feel like Wal-Mart just opened up shop in the law school," said a OIPer, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of CPD retribution. Due to this slash in funding, the OIP may be forced to look to alternative forms of funding. Soon we could be speaking of the OIP, brought to you by Nivea for Men.

Sales at the OIP sale had reportedly dropped to a 2-year low by noon on Thursday, causing a slight investor panic. The director of the OIP reportedly cancelled class on Thursday in a symbolic protest over the turf invasion. While the director could not be reached for comment, rumor has it that an "if they want a war, they'll get a war" policy has been adopted. When told of this development, most students responded, "What's a CPD?"

The fallout from a possible OIP/CPD feud has the chance to be catastrophic, leading to a cold war-esque cloud of secrecy enveloping the law school. Friends aren't even sharing information with friends at this point of the year. Some might blame impending exams for this culture of silence, but any rational observer can tell it's really the fear of being caught in the crossfire of a possible OIP/CPD feud.

One neutral party suggested the two come to a compromise and form a new entity, the Center for Ohio Professional Innocence Development Project. He was immediately stoned to death by Law Women, as that new title was obviously furthering anachronistic, paternalistic ideals that we must strive to abolish.

The OIP isn't the group feeling the brunt of the CPD setting up shop. One anonymous 2L quipped, "I've already gained 4 pounds in the last hour, I mean, donuts, and cookies, and brownies, oh my!" (Ok, fine, this "anonymous" 2L is yours truly. I like cookies, what can I say. It's winter, I'm trying to keep warm.)

The OIP was obviously offering the bake sale to help compensate for the gas money, lunch tabs, and various other expenses encountered during their noble mission of helping the wrongfully accused. By contrast, one can only assume that the CPD offered their baked giveaway out of a sense of guilt for not getting any of us jobs.

I was unable to reach the Dean for comment, but I'd assume he'd think that this reporter is a complete moron. Seacrest, out.

Snow

Forecasters are calling for 2-4 inches of snow betwen 4pm and 12am. Traffic started snarling at 2:00 for the storm that had not yet arrived and current projections suggest that it will take me approximately four hours to drive the nine miles to my house. It normally takes less than 20 minutes.

I have to hand it to them though -- the city is well-prepared this time. To wit, they have been salting the roads since Sunday afternoon and have rendered my television virtually useless with warnings, watches, and maps. And now that the "snow" is actually "here," they will sit around and do nothing while everybody freaks out.

This city loses its fucking mind at the threat of snow. Every year they get one or two big storms, and every time they act like it's the first one they've ever seen. I know 14 year-olds who know how to drive in snow better than the good people of Cincinnati, and they're not even allowed to drive.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Google Schmoogle

The hot topic of conversation around the lunch table today was the Charlie Brown Christmas special that was on TV last night, so now I feel obligated to share this with any of you who haven't already seen it. I guess you can consider that the equivalent of wishing you a happy holiday season.

Also, if anyone has a clever name for a paper discussing the copyright issues in the Google Library Project, please let me know. Because if none of you come up with anything better, it will be titled "Copyright Schmopyright: Google Gives the Finger to The Authors' Guild."

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Exam Time Waster #1

These guys really like to eat:

The Brunch Bus

The site reminds me of some other site, I just can't remember what...... must be a site I'd never visit.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It's that time of the year again for law students. Exams are coming up, which obviously means more hours in the library, more hours reading, and playing a lot of catch-up for some of us. However, it's also time for the real big pricks in law school to shine, to be extra self-important, to prove that whatever job they work, everyone will hate them.

It's time to turn up the condescending glares to people who didn't have perfect attendance this semester, to people that may actually have a good time while in law school, to people who write blogs about how you aren't normal. Yes my friends, stare me down, I am ready.

Do I care that you now have a 147 page outline for Professional Ethics & Responsibility? Not really. Am I impressed by your command of exigency searches? Hmmm, nope. Am I worried that I had to look up a topic to say you had command of in my Crim Pro syllabus? Negative. Does that funk from your lack of showering concern me? Yes. Do I think it's pathetic that you obviously just bought an NFL sweatshirt in an attempt to look normal? Without a doubt. How can I live with myself if I don't study 24 hours a day? I watch reality TV, and realize how much better my life is than those people. Believe it or not, my entire life doesn't depend on what grades I get in law school. While you may feel the need to justify your existence by staying up 48 hours straight to bump that B up to a B+, I'd rather dream for 8 hours about the UC dance team.

Believe it or not, you can do well in law school and not try to rub it in everyone else's face. I have a number of friends on law review, moot court, and ranked in the top 10% that don't feel the need to remind everyone, everyday that they're awesome. However, if you people took up this stance, I'd have no one to make fun of, so thank you.

I mean, Lincoln didn't even go to law school.

So keep kissing ass, keep asking those extra questions, feel free to jump in if the rest of us stumble, even for a second, over an answer. I guess maybe that's just your way of making new friends. If I had the social skills of an 8-year-old, I'd also be looking at viable alternative methods for human contact.


Note: I'm typing this blog in the cafeteria, the NPQ is currently about 60, fairly high for any area of the law school. I'm guessing this is directly correlated to the NPQ in the library being about 4 right now.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

"Fuck it, Dude. Let's go bowlin"

Well, it's official. All the bowl matchups are finally set. Let's have a quick run-down of some bowl games of note.
  • Best name: San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl. Honestly, are you kidding me? They'll let anyone have a bowl game.
  • Biggest snub: Clearly this belongs to Oregon. I mean, the Pac-10 is so overrated it's laughable, but for crying out loud, even South Florida got a better timeslot. USF didn't even have a football team ten years ago.
  • Tempting fate: BYU will play in the Las Vegas Bowl on December 22nd. Putting all those Mormons in Vegas is like putting a fox in a henhouse, only if the fox were deaf, dumb, blind, and a quadriplegic. No, don't worry, I'm allowed to make Mormon jokes, I have permission from this guy.
  • The Granddaddy of Them All: Not the Rose Bowl. Bowden vs. Paterno in the Orange Bowl. JoePa will be 79, Bowden 76. This matchup was also voted most likely to require sideline defibrillators.
  • Misnomer alert: The bowl season will open on December 20th with Southern Miss taking on Arkansas State in the New Orleans Bowl, to be played in Lafayette.
  • Biggest yawner: Nevada vs. UCF in the Hawaii Bowl. Games in Hawaii are always weird because no matter where you're watching it from, it's dark where you are and light where they are. Somehow this makes for something of a surreal scene that tends to send me into a restless sleep.
  • Most inexplicable bowl location: This is a tie between the Motor City Bowl in Detroit (Memphis vs. Akron) and the MPC Computers Bowl in Boise (Boise State vs. Boston College). These are the only two cold-weather bowl sites, and Boise is even outdoors. I don't understand -- what does Ohio have to do to get a bowl game? Ohio has more players per capita in the NFL than any other state with at least 10 players, and the fifth-most overall (behind California, Florida, Texas, and Georgia). I don't even know why I care. I wouldn't go. Let's just move on.
  • Heisman favorite: Obviously this is Reggie Bush. I mean, did you see the highlight video? If Bush wins, the Rose Bowl on January 4th will mark the first time that two Heisman winners have ever played a game on the same team while still in college. If Matt Leinhart wins he will be the second man ever to win twice (the first, of course, being famed Buckeye Archie Griffin, who won in 1974 and 1975). If Vince Young wins, it will be the second time ever and second year in a row that two Heisman winners have played against each other in one game -- last year Leinhart (2004 winner) beat Jason White (2003) and the Oklahoma Sooners in the Orange Bowl for the national title. Kind of fun.
  • Most overrated bowl team: Well, you have to actually be rated to be overrated, so I'll say it's Texas Tech. They've played exactly one good defense (Texas) and they got hammered. I really don't understand how a team that beats up on the likes of Florida International and Sam Houston State (the BearKats, by the way) makes it into the top 25.
  • Fearless prediction: Although I hope and expect it to be a good game, I don't see how the Notre Dame defense can stop the Ohio State offense. I don't think the Ohio State defense will shut down the ND offense, exactly, but there will be none of this 42-points-against-Navy crap. Having seen both teams up close this year, I think OSU should win this one.
  • Rose Bowl: This is the first national championship game I'm actually interested in since the Ohio State-Miami game after the 2002 season. Texas has the better defense, but I think people forget that USC has four legitimate game-breakers on offense (Bush, Leinhart, LenDale White, and Steve Smith). As good as Bush is, I think people forget that White is actually the starter. This could be the second year in a row that two RBs from one school are selected in the first round, with the starter being selected last. Anyway, I think this will be a relatively close game with both teams scoring in the 25-35 range, but I think SC pulls it off.
Next week we're going to handicap our respective GPAs for the semester. The early line on the over/under is 2.557.

Memphis @ UC Observations

The "interim" title will stick in front of Andy Kennedy's name. Turnovers on numerous possessions straight out of timeouts, offensive sets that consisted of running a weave for 20 seconds then iso, usually with Hicks about 15 feet from the basket, lazy passing and poor shot selection, inexplicable substitution patterns . . . these aren't indicators of good coaching. UC needs to find a replacement fast, almost during this season, or there will be no recruits signing letters of intent to play in the Shoe next year.

I'm assumming the Big O has absolutely no interest in coaching, as he would be the logical choice. I think he's content with sharing pudding pops with Bill Cosby (it's obvious they've been hanging out, the Big O was wearing a sweater obviously borrowed from Cosby, circa 1985, at the game on Sat.) and eating peanuts courtside.

Look, would the UC dance team member (4th from the right, front row) just call me already. It was awkward sitting through the entire game with you smiling and waving to me. My friends were getting jealous. Just call me already, let's stop playing this cat and mouse game. We're not getting any younger. I love you.

I made a brief appearance on ESPN. I will be leaving school shortly to actively further my now underway career in television.

However, I did make a small ripple in the national news media. The "fire Nancy" chant at the end of the game was started by members of The Movement (our seating group). It may or may not have been my idea. I'm hoping this can become a tradition at home games. It needs to be done in the last minute of games that have already been decided, win or lose. If the game goes down to the wire, the chant should begin after the game is over. Also, I propose if our athletic teams continue to be moderate at best, then we fire Nancy at the end of the year. If she's going to hold the basketball coach responsible for academic success (not professors, advisors, and counselors) then we should definitely hold the President accountable for athletic success. It's only fair. But really, I still don't understand the timing of the move. If you want to fire your coach, do it, but not after he goes 25-8 in a year with no major disciplinary problems.

Also, Calipari, shut your hole and mind your own business. Don't tell UC fans that it's time to move on. I guess someone with your sense of loyalty would expect people to move on after an institution was unceremoniously booted from the program that he built. After Memphis saved his career by offering him the job there, he immediately threw his name into the hat for the Pittsburgh opening, talk about class. That's why, as he left the court, I let Mr. Calipari know that "John Cheney owns (him)."

Friday, December 02, 2005

Searching for Normalcy

I went to William & Mary for undergrad. W&M was no Florida State, Ohio State, or Wisconsin when it came to the party scene. However, like any institute of higher learning, we managed to have our fun. Although not everyone at Bill and Mary was socially competent, a good majority of the people were able to interact with other humans without breaking out into cold sweats or wetting themselves. It was the same at high school and all my summer interning experiences, so I assumed law school would be the same.

Boy was I wrong.

I wish someone had explained to me that a lot of people in law school don’t really understand how to interact with other people. Some people call this "being socially inept." Other, more eloquent, people call this "being a douchebag." I have decided to take a different path altogether. I’m not going to worry about classifying people after I’m in a situation anymore, it’s time to start being proactive. We need to start evaluating the possibility of having to interact with socially inept people. It’s time to look at a situation beforehand, whatever it may be, and estimating how many "normal people" will be there out of 100. I’m talking about a Normal People Quotient (NPQ).

I mean, we all now certain situations will inevitable end up in someone awkwardly suggesting that everyone play spin the bottle. This was cool in 4th grade, not in the second year of grad school. It’s not fun sitting through hours on end of non-sequitors like "Martha Stewart is sexy, in a do-your-own mom sort of way", "Sometimes I like to pretend that my laptop has feelings and we are friends," and "What does sex feel like?" The key to avoiding these situations, much like avoiding unwanted pregnancy, is prevention (also, to avoid unwanted pregnancy, refrain from drinking with whores).
Confused? It’s because I can’t write well. Let me try to explain through an example. Say Nye wanted to go to a happy hour next Friday. Here is the appropriate way to use the NPQ:

Nye: Tre, let’s go to this happy hour next Friday.

Tre: Maybe, who’s putting it on?

Nye: The Law School, the Med School, and the Nursing School.

Tre: Hold on a minute

At this point Tre takes a step back to evaluate the situation. law school and med school = low NPQ. However, nursing school has an NPQ of almost 100. This should make for a good event, thinks Tre. Luckily, Tre realizes that normal people ALSO use the NPQ, so when the nursing students look at the NPQ of the law school and med school, and they definitely won’t show. This would probably lead to an NPQ of about 10 at the event.

Tre: Nye, can’t do it, think about how low that NPQ is gonna be.

Nye: Smart, wow, thanks man, I totally didn’t think about that.

I’m telling you, this is going to be a social revolution, get on the bus now. So we can establish a frame of reference, here are certain settings with low and high NPQ’s:
Low NPQ:
Law school, med school, basically any graduate program that doesn’t have a correlating "sexy _______" Halloween costume.
Star Trek conventions
Academic Decathalons
Mental institutions
Strip clubs that charge less than a $10 cover, or that incorporate XXX into their name
The University of Michigan
The state of Michigan
NAMBLA, anywhere
Magic: The Gathering tournaments

High NPQ:
Nursing school
Most sporting events
The Sunday afternoon crowd at Uncle Woody’s (mostly Brown’s fans)
Bars with live music (surprisingly very consistent)
The Playboy Mansion
Ohio
Most undergraduate institutions
Strip clubs (clubs that professional athletes frequent)
People who read this blog (or any of the blogs that we blogroll, respek)

People, we need to start thinking about the social consequences of our actions. I urge you to think about the NPQ before you make any social decision. If we do this, eventually natural selection will erase the socially awkward from the human population. That or they will form an isolated genetic pool that will eventually take over the world using tactics learned from Dungeons & Dragons. Like the Amish, I mean, if they had computers.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

"Which brings me to my next point kids: don't smoke crack"

The Ohio Supreme Court mandates at least one hour of substance abuse discussion in your PR class. I don't mean to suggest that this stuff isn't important -- it is. But I feel a little like I've just been transported back to 1997 in my 10th grade Health class. The only thing that's missing is the teacher who used to say goofy things because of her aneurysm.