Sunday, October 30, 2005

BREAKING NEWS

Hey, did you guys hear that Tedy Bruschi is playing tonight? Where has he been, anyway? Did he get hurt? Why didn't anyone tell me about this?

Man, those guys up in New England just don't get enough media coverage.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Really Moot Court

Disparate treatment, disparate impact, blah blah blah, we've all heard about the two big dogs of discrimination numerous times from con law one forward. However, what most people forget is that "discrimination" can only happen to certain groups of people.

Let me start this off by saying I never thought I would make moot court, and this isn't a personal rant, but more of a rant for the people I think deserved it and got screwed. Also, those of you that made it, Congratulations, I'm sure you worked your ass off, my problem isn't with you, it's with the process itself.

Moot Court is a big deal in most law schools, and I personally held it with high esteem before going through the process. Now I realize, it's pretty much a joke.

First, in tryouts, competitors argue against a random selection of 5% of the people competing for moot court. Competitors are put in front of different judges, who attack arguments differently and understand competitor's points differently. Oh yes, also, their level of care differs greatly as well. My last judge told me, "I'm getting pretty tired, I hope you guys don't mind if I don't really pay attention to your arguments." Yeah, maybe it was in jest, but there's at least a little truth in every joke (except any joke about Tre or Nye). If Moot Court is as prestigious as people would like us to believe it is, there needs to be a much more balanced and level application process.

The point that really irks me is the 'random selection' of these judges. I had 6 males, three other people I asked had 6 males, 4 people I asked had 5 males and 1 female, and ONE person had a "mix of males and females." So we pick all male judges and FOURTEEN females make it as opposed to FOUR males. It doesn't take ole Sigmund to postulate a theory as to what may have happened. Also, the girls who made Moot Court are a pretty physically attractive group, which makes me wonder even further (If any of you ladies are reading this, I am free this weekend, call me, except the married ones). The easiest argument to make is in the converse, if 14 males had made moot court, how many formal complaints do you think would have been filed? How many sit-downs with the Dean would disgruntled Moot Court applicants be having, "Dr. Dean, 77.7% of the people that made moot court are males, this is just so not fair!" But we're men, so we take it. If we complained, I'm sure we'd be "whiners" and "sore losers" or, even better, we "can't take it when a women beats us." If a female complained, she'd have a legitimate beef. Please.

This specific example just underscores a problem that I used to find funny, but now is starting to really bother me. Sexism is not something that is tolerated anywhere, unless, of course, it targets males. "Bitch" and "Slut" won't fly, but "Bastard" and "Man-Whore" are completely fine. I'm not making this reference hypothetically. I know a number of girls that take enormous offense to the former, but don't think twice about tossing the latter towards a male constituent. What's the difference? Men haven't been raised with this stigma that women are out to get them. We feel no need to protect "the essence of manhood" at every single turn. We don't think people are out to get us just because we are men. That's the problem, maybe we should, as it's pretty obvious that something, intentional or not, happened in moot court tryouts.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Are you calling Sheryl Swoopes a liar?

Here's an interesting headline: "Houston Comets' Swoopes says she's gay."

I don't get it. Do they not believe her?

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Let's call a spade a spade.....

...yesterday it was reported that Cuba rescued a number of refugees from Hurricane Wilma.

No doubt, I'm sure that Cuba took these people out of the floodwaters, but let's be honest, Cuba actually captured a number of refugees from Hurricane Wilma. I'm imagining a scene with thousands of Cubans sitting in their homes in inflatable rafts waiting for the hurricane to rip the roof off their home. I don't think it would be that hard, I don't remember seeing that many houses built after the 1930s in Cuba. For a theoretically perfect economic system, communism really blows.

Kevin Neelan's Mr. Subliminal says: congrats Cuba (Hades), way to rescue (capture) hundreds of citizens (slaves) displaced (escaping) by the Hurricane (the oppressive way of life).


By the way, props to NBC on E-Ring. If there were two people I'd want defending the country, it would be Benjamin Bratt and Dennis Hopper, err, thanks for skipping out on The Office this week, punks.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Holy War

Lots to talk about today.
  • For starters, I took some leftover pizza to school for lunch today, but by the time I got out of my 9am class it was gone. We've had problems in the past with homeless people, uhm, "letting themselves into the school" at night and taking stuff out of the fridge (or sleeping in the classrooms) but this was in the middle of the morning. So one of you fuckers ate my lunch. Thanks a lot.
  • Spent last Saturday at Notre Dame for the BYU game. There are a few things of note here about the game itself.
    • Firstly and foremostly, my buddy Drew actually played in this game -- he's on the punt squad and the kickoff return team. I never got to hear his name over the PA, but he was in on two tackles (officially credited with one) and downed a punt at the 4 yard line. Here's a shot of him (top, #48) getting ready for one of Notre Dame's many kickoffs.
      He looks much smaller in person.
    • I really have to commend Notre Dame on their game plan. The way they allowed BYU's offense to move the ball between the 30s really neutralized Drew's effectiveness. Very impressive.
    • Speaking of game-planning, the Irish attend mass on Saturday morning at the Basilica of the Sacred Heart, and all the fans line the path from the church to the stadium at about 11:15. There was apparently some congestion at the front of the line, so Charlie Weis stopped right next to me. Nice guy that I am, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to offer him an animal cracker. He didn't accept, but I did manage to get a photo of him laughing at me. Good times.
      Charlie Weis thinks I'm funny.
  • Hey, that reminds me. The best way to get Jehovah's Witnesses off your porch? Just tell them that you're a Mormon. They go running. It's like the Crips and Bloods. (What, you prefer oil and water?)
  • Notre Dame's campus -- amazing. Everything there was top-notch. First-rate all the way, from the pre-game traditions to the knowledge of the fans to the quality of the football. The only thing that was lacking in any respect were the concessions. If you didn't want a hot dog, you were out of luck. And actually I got the last hot dog at one particular concession stand, so if you were the guy behind me, you were out of luck even if you did only want a hot dog.
  • NFL? Shitty week. Browns crapped the bed again. Their defense has only allowed 1 TD in each of the last 4 games, but they have a serious bend-don't-break thing going on, which I could do without. Lots of turnovers, some dropped passes, too many penalties. At least the Bengals lost. Oh, that reminds me -- I heard on the radio this morning that Bootsy Collins (who?) has decided to give the Bungles their own theme song. Apparently he's a Cincinnati native, and yet for some reason decided to title his song "Fear da Tigers." Last I checked, the Tigers were a baseball team, and they play in Detroit. Well done, Bootsy. Anyway, I found a link here, and I guess there are multiple songs. Three players actually appear in the other one ("Bigg Cats"), and if that's not asking for trouble one-third of the way into the season, I don't know what is. Maybe this explains their performance against the Stillers -- let's hope the Football Gods use this opportunity to teach everyone a lesson in humility by continuing to smite these infidels. And since we're on the topic, this "Who Dey" crap is hands-down the worst slogan in all of professional sports. Someone needs to put a stop to it.
  • In fantasy football I'm looking at 3-1 for the week, which would put me at 16-11 on the year. I'll hold onto the overall points lead for the "important" league, and have a shot at the high score for the week in one of the others.
  • Finally, in non-football news, a former child-actor was just elected President of Poland. I'm excited about this, because it throws the door wide open for the 2024 candidacy of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. I can't wait.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Ode to Shitonus (part 1)

I live in a nice apartment now. I can't complain. There are no mushrooms growing through cracks in the bathroom. I don't have any black mold on my bathroom ceiling. My toilet no longer stops working for weeks at a time. Life is good.

However, things weren't always so plush. I once lived in a little chateau off the main drag in Williamsburg that locals call "Shitonus." In honor of the upcoming homecoming celebration in the 'burg, over the next few days I'll try to recount a few of my favorite Che Tonus memories.

The most prevelent memory in my mind is when I almost missed a sorority formal due to a rugby social going on in our backyard. Yes, the same rugby social where "Animal" intentionally pissed himself then passed out in the Days Inn courtyard, then relocated and passed out again in our fraternity house basement (naked, or so I've heard).

Anyway, due my involvement in the afternoon's revelry, I may or may not have forgot about the fact that I was getting picked up at 5 PM to go to dinner for the aforementioned formal. As is the custom, we were going to dinner with a large number of people, including my housemate and his girlfriend. It was my housemate's girlfriend that showed up in our back yard to pick me up. Needless to say, I wasn't quite getting ready for the formal. Unless by "getting ready for the formal" you mean "trying to throw an empty keg through our neighbors porch, then giving up on the keg and just jumping through the screen porch myself." Yes, beer boxing had done a number on me.

Needless to say, my roomie's girlfriend calmly informed me that we were late for the formal, and I needed to get ready. Her exact words were, "Tre, you fucking asshole, you have 5 minutes to get inside, get ready, and get out here." I rushed inside and jumped in the shower. After washing the sweat off for about 30 seconds, I ran into my room, where 2 of my roommates were waiting to help me get dressed. They kindly dressed me in a pink shirt, with a red tie, my grey suit without a belt, and my restaurant 'no slip' work shoes. I looked great, let me tell you. By the time I made it to the car, I had already bled through the knee of my suit (porch jumping injury).

So we get to the restaurant and I proceed to refuse to order any dinner, only eating bread and water, and profusely apologizing to my date. I mean, so much so that she eventually told me to just shut up.

The night actually got better, once everyone else caught up to me. Numerous shots of Aristocrat (from the handle we had 'snuck in' tucked into my date's coat, what kind of security can't see a handle?) in the ladies room helped this. The slip proof shoes also proved to be a godsend on the dance floor.

Ah yes, I miss those times, but this weekend gives me a chance to relive them. The fact that one of my buddies has just returned from Iraq will most likely make this the craziest weekend of my life.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

See also: Estradification

A Devil's Dictionary for the legal world. My favorite entry so far: Miers, Harriet -- "America's first retarded Supreme Court Justice."

Also, to complete the destruction of my image as a stoic consevative, check out this clip or transcript of my buddy's International Law prof "debating" Bill O'Reilly on the subject of Guantanamo detainees. Not only does she win on the merits, but she manages to make him look and sound like a fool in the process. God bless her.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

We Must Protect This House

Went to the game yesterday, and while it wasn't USC/ND or Michigan/PSU dramatic, it was still pretty exciting. I think my ears started bleeding at the end of the first half when OSU blocked the field goal and ran it back 75 yards.

However, my enjoy-ability of the game was tempered by the fact that a Michigan State fan was sitting behind me. Literally, when I stood up for the first 3rd down of the game to cheer, the guy said, "Why do you have to stand up when no one in front of you is standing up?"

I apologized for getting excited at my home team's game, pointed out that I had paid for the ticket where I was sitting, and promised never to stand up and cheer at a Michigan State home game. What a dick. If I was in Cleveland, I would have covered him in beer.

Friday, October 14, 2005

What's your best rejection story?

E. Spat at Will Work for Favorable Dicta had a good post about rejection letters that turned into readers telling stories about their favorites (you know, to the extent that you can have a favorite soul-crushing moment). Somehow or other this turned into a quest to boil down your rejection letters into greeting card format. For example, last year I received a rejection letter from a firm to which I did not apply, so that card might look like this:
Front: We just wanted to let you know...

Inside: don't waste your time applying!

Some of my favorites so far are:

Front: Thanks for thinking of [firm name]

Inside: If you ever need a good lawyer, call us.

****************************************
Front: We heard you wanted a job with us!

Inside: NO!

****************************************
Front: We had lots of qualified candidates!

Inside: Too bad you weren't one of them!


Check out the post here, and be sure to add your own in the comments.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Fall break is here

No school for a whole week. Here's what's been going on and what's on the agenda for the week, as well as some things I've been pondering:

  • Moot Court tryouts are ending right about now, so hopefully we'll have some sloppy-drunk posts from John when he gets home at about 2am. I'm excited, are you?
  • One of my neighbors around the corner called the City and complained that I wasn't trimming the hedges in the back, so I got cited for "encumbrancing the sidewalk." A $25 fine. What an asshole, right? Where I grew up, we didn't have sidewalks, except for this little one near the town park and fire station, and the city maintained it. So I'm pleading ignorance and asking them to throw out the fine at my hearing tomorrow. The fun of it is, I work for the City. So I will leave work to attend a hearing on my violation, then go back to work, whereupon I may very well be assigned to write the report on my violation. Awesome.
  • In order to get the fine waived, I actually had to trim back the bushes. Fair enough. But in doing so I made the unfortunate discovery that there is a veritable shit-ton of poison ivy over there. Fantastic.
  • Is it legally possible to rape oneself? I think even if it is, it would be impossible to get a conviction, because anyone you managed to get to trial would just plead the Fifth.
  • Had three job interviews in Cleveland last week, so I get jumpy every time the phone rings (not often, of course) and am dreading opening the mail. I love job-hunting.
  • Please, do your part to keep kids off drugs. Just say no to "camel toads."
  • Over fall break there is a lot of fun to be had. Hopefully my lawn mower will be fixed and I can cut the grass (since it hasn't been done since, oh, August or so). There is plenty of reading and paper-writing to be done.
  • The highlight will be heading to South Bend for the holy war between Notre Dame and BYU. I try to stay out of the "my God is better than your God" thing, but one of my best friends from high school plays for BYU. Regrettably, ESPN.com doesn't seem to update the stats for Mountain West teams, because they still have him listed as a TE, even though he's a linebacker. You can scroll down to the bottom of this box score to find his name and his two solo tackles against San Diego State two weeks ago. I'm going with my little brother, a huge ND fan, so that should be fun for both of us.
  • It's been 10 years since "Calvin and Hobbes" ended, and I'm still sad about it.
  • My wife's cat got stuck in a Chipotle bag today. It was funny enough that rather than remove it, we let it writhe around until it punched a hole in the bag and walked out the other end.
  • I've started drinking coffee. Somehow this makes me feel like less of a man, but I have officially resolved to only drink it black from now on. Hopefully that will help.
  • Watched a little poker on TV the other day and laughed out loud when the announcer said that someone was holding "a King-Jack off-suit." A jack-off suit? What the fuck is that?
  • I'm writing my Note for Law Review about potential copyright issues in the Google Library Project. Every day I get an email update on the latest happenings in the case from Google News. Is that a potential conflict of interest?
  • Cleveland's two hottest young bachelors sports stars, LeBron James and Braylon Edwards, were hospitalized this week. Were I Grady Sizemore, I would be very worried right now.
  • Finally, I need six character references for the bar application application (yes, I have to apply for admission to apply). I really don't trust any of my friends to say anything good about me, so if any of you out there are willing to help, please let me know.

As my little brother would say, "so until next time, remember -- on a scale of one to awsome, I'm still super-great."

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

I once knew a guy who used to dream about sleeping

My wife is just home from a 34-hour shift at the hospital and seems poised to rip off another 18-hour slumber like she did last Saturday-Sunday. Only catch is that she has to be back at the hospital in about 13 hours. Medical students. Crazy.

Fred Smoot can cover the whole world, but not his own ass

I had a coach in high school who liked to tell us that "women have ruined more athletes than drugs and alcohol combined." He was sort of crazy (he even had a lazy eye, and once threw his shoe at a player) so I didn't give it much thought, but maybe that theory explains the Minnesota Vikings' 1-3 start.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Rob Neyer is a fraud

Neyer is a senior baseball writer for ESPN.com. About two weeks ago he wrote a column detailing the AL playoff possibilities -- for example, if Cleveland won 2 of their last 3 and Boston won 2 of their last 3, this would be the result, etc., etc. For all of the one-game playoff possibilities, he had an historical footnote about the matchup. Like, for a Cleveland-Boston one-game playoff, he noted that they played in 1948, the last time the Indians won the World Series. For a Boston-New York one-game playoff, he mentioned the Bucky Dent game. And for the possibility of a Cleveland-New York playoff, he wrote that it had never happened before -- "as near as I can tell," he wrote, "these teams have never played a game at the end of the season that meant something to both of them."

Thinking myself very clever, I wrote to him, saying "What do you mean these teams have never played a game at the end of the season that meant something to both of them? Haven't you seen Major League?" I didn't expect a response, so imagine my surprise when he wrote back:

"Actually, I have not. That would've made a great note in the column, though."

Whaa?? Never seen Major League? A senior baseball writer? You've got to be kidding me. "Why?" I asked him. "A matter of principle at this point? Just not a movie guy? Don't like Dennis Haysbert?" Responded Rob, "I just don't watch comedies unless I think they'll be funny." Simply stunning. Consider this the start (and end) of my campaign to get Rob Neyer impeached, or something.

In other sports news, it was a good week in football. The Browns won, the Bungles lost, and I went 3-1 in fantasy. That makes me a less-than-stellar 11-8 overall, and puts me in 1st place, 4th place, 7th place, and 7th place in the order that I care about the leagues. So, it could be worse.

Also, Braylon Edwards is still in the hospital with a staph infection he probably picked up in Indy two weeks ago. Lee Suggs managed to fracture his thumb despite playing only 3 plays on Sunday, officially making him more fragile than Chad Pennington and Juan Gonzalez combined. Edwards could be out anywhere from a few days to a few months, and Suggs is expected to miss about four weeks.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Dirty (Old) Man

After watching the old man on The Apprentice get one of the female contestents (CEOs, execs, lawyers) to do pushups for him to demonstrate a heart monitor, I've decided I need to be a dirty old man now. I really don't understand how dirty, old men get away with this stuff (also why it is necessary to show old man boners on national TV). I'd really like it if someone explained this to me. I was going to write a blog about how funny it would be if I could act like a dirty old man right now, but I just can't fathom saying and doing some of the things they do. If I stare at a women's chest for 5 to 10 minutes straight, it's creepy. If I casually touch a girl's ass, it's sexual harassment. Why then, are old men allowed to do these things? Also, if someone could let me know what the cutoff age to be a dirty old man is, I'd appreciate it. I'm hoping it's somewhere in the vicinity of 25.

On a side note, anyone who watched the show last night knows just how much the dirty old man factor played into the final scores. The women's expo was awful, the men's was pretty well done. Yet, the final scores were 7.9 to 8.1. You know that most old men gave extra points for the scenery at the women's expo.

Monday, October 03, 2005

New Job Posting

Title: Some job you really don't want

Location: The middle of f'ing nowhere

Pay: Negotiable, but most likely you get paid more for cleaning the ball pit at Chuck e Cheese

Requirements: Top 10%, Law Review, Moot Court, clerked for SC Justice a plus

If interested please submit cover letter, resume, writing sample, urine sample, complete family tree, and dental records for the last 5 years.

Thank you.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Email of the day

From my friend Frank Walsh:

All right, I'll send it. And snicker. I'm not above it.
Typhoon Longwang.