Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Charitable giving

With the rash of recent disasters, I feel that it's important for those of us who are more fortunate than others to give back to those in need. My charity of choice is the Global Healings Society. Don't worry if you don't have enough spare cash right now -- they also accept other things, such as (scroll down to the bottom) airplanes, food, silver, and gold coins, and they "do not discriminate against any form of trade or tender as a donation."

And if you have some time, take a history lesson by reading their novel/manifesto -- just follow the link at the top right to "Awakening (The American...)." I think you'll learn a lot of things that you wish you were taught in grade school, including how the Banksters turned the United States into an offshore corporation and pledged its citizens as collateral for the loan (which loan, I have no idea). Also, note that even though this guy can't seem to spell his name the same way twice, that hasn't stopped him from "copyrighting" it.

I think this guy definitely needs all the help he can get.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Quick hits

Just a few little things to brigten your day:
  • Fantasy update -- I never gave the recaps of my other drafts because I didn't want to tip my strategy before my league with John drafted. Yes, I am a huge dork. In any case, things didn't look so good this week, and I went 2-2. Here is the breakdown so far for each of my four leagues: 2-1, 2nd place; 1-2, 8th place; 2-1, 3rd place; 2-0, 2nd place (with John in first), overall 7-4. Also, let's just say that I've discovered a glaring inefficiency in one league that has led to a firesale, so things might pick up soon.
  • I have two callbacks from OCI over the last two weeks. The first one is tomorrow here in Cincinnati. As I have never been on a callback before, I have no idea how to behave myself. Suggestions welcome.
  • With 6 games to play, the Tribe is still in the lead for the Wild Card, and is 2 back in the AL Central. If they go 4-2 over the last 6, they can do no worse than a one-game playoff. 5-1 gets them into the post-season with at least the Wild Card berth, and 6-0 gets them the division title. And that's assuming the worst-case scenario -- that the White Sox win the next three against Detroit, that the Red Sox sweep their four against Toronto, that the Yankees sweep Baltimore, and that the Sox/Yankees series goes 2-1 one way or the other (a sweep by either team would benefit the Tribe).

Friday, September 23, 2005

Well, Deadspin is running a picture of some fans getting frisky at RFK. I have no idea where these crazy kids are, but I'd say they've one-upped those Nationals fans.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Strange sight

In the library today, there was a man who apparently attends the law school across the river. He sat in our computer lab feeding pages from a book into a scanner and emailing them to himself, one by one. For about six hours.

The book he was pilfering? A treatise on copyright law.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Oh, See, I (thought I'd get a job)

I'm not commensurate with any job opportunities. However, at least it isn't the firm telling me this. Our CPD has decided to pre-screen our resumes. Amazing. What was the point of me doing OCI again? I've learned my lesson, all resumes will be now sent directly. Also, I'd like a refund for the 17 dollars that I spent at Kinko's and all the time that I wasted putting this business together. It's more than a little embarrassing for students to have to re-send resumes to firms, not sure whether or not the firm actually received the resume in the first place. It really makes us look professional as well.

My favorite is a fellow law student's godfather was disturbed when his godson "didn't apply" for a job with his firm. Turns out he did apply, just CPD figured he wouldn't get a job there. He's interviewing today.

Not having a job is starting to get really depressing. Especially because I see a lot of people with suits on that I could do a much better job than. I'm talking about you, Mr. always eats in class, never shows up on time, reads notes off the girl's computer next to him, but his mom has a really good job. Nepotism is back. Due to the high number of call-backs, it really looks like the CPD chose the right people to interview.

Oh, and yes, Go Tribe.

Monday, September 19, 2005

The Ohio Lesbian Festival

Let me say this: I love lesbians. I love them. In fact, I may or may not have viewed a number of motion pictures depicting lesbians and how they show their love for one another. However, a law school classmate of mine recently sent an email out promoting the upcoming "Lesbian Festival." I'd have no problem with this, however, I did not see the following events on the schedule: "Lingerie Pillow Fight","Kissing Booth", or "Maybe My Partner and I are Straight but the Right Man Just Hasn't Come Along but it's Probably You, Tre."

Not only are these events excluded, but so are men. I mean, the only real way I can think of celebrating the breaking down of gender barriers is to . . . erect one?? I guess if we combat racism with racism, we might as well combat sexism with sexism. I'm no genius, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn last night. Essentially, I'm assuming this is just going to be one big meat market for Lesbians. Oh, it's to celebrate womanhood? So you're just celebrating each other (which goes back to a meet market). To properly celebrate something, you need someone else there to acknowledge it. I mean, do they just have the Emmy winners show up to get their awards and pat each other on the back? No, they have to have a bunch of "nominees" to act like they are very happy for the actual winner, but are crying on the inside and promising to fire their agent ( on a side note, the writers for Da Ali G show should have won last night, merely for the decision to use faces of male porn stars instead of their own during the reading of the nominees.). Maybe it's a day to free yourself from the domineering male psyche. However, if you want to be feminists, you have to throw this argument out the window (see "taking feminism a step further").

Whatever the reason is, it's cool, I guess, just don't complain when I put together "Man Fest" later this year, complete with the requisite man-needs. After spending a decent amount of time at the bar on Thursday night, I edited some of the events at the Lesbian Festival for my "Man Fest." Here are some snippets, enjoy:

ACCESSIBILITY: Interpreters will be available by request for workshops. If you request an interpreter, I will kick your ass then burn down your house.

An on site physician is available on call. However, a real man would just have another beer. You big douchebag.

MERCHANT AREA: We will have a shit ton of beer. And hookers.

HANDJOBOGRAMS: There will be a shitload of strippers on site. If you want a handjob in the champagne room you must call 800-JERKOFF in advance to schedule an appointment.

STAGE: Rain or shine, the festival goes on! A covered area at the stage seats 500, but your bitch ass better be in the mosh pit, with designated smoke-free and chem-free areas for all the fucking communists that decide to show up. Day Stage begins at 12:30 & Night Stage begins at 7:00 pm. Hooker orgy will commence at midnight.

FESTIVAL SITE & HOURS: We'll have a shit-ton of beer, do you really give a shit where you are getting fucked up? When you puke, you can see rustic hills and blah, blah, blah, blah. The weather in Central Ohio in September is usually slightly cool with bright, blue skies and sunshine. However, it can on occasion be somewhat unpredictable, so come prepared for heat, chill or rain. Hopefully it rains and gets cold, you know what I'm talking about, THO'S!!

FOOD: Steaks, fucking Buffalo Steaks, Ostrich Steaks, Slim Jims, Buffalo Wings, Skyline, Chicken Nuggets, Burgers, think of anyway you could kill an animal and serve it, we'll do it.

Also, if you are a vegetarian, there will be a variety of options available to you. Namely, leaving.

KIDS: Do not bring a girl under the age of 18 to the manfest. It's called statutory rape, no one needs that.

PARKING: We only have truck, SUV, or RV parking. Don't show up in anything else. If you show up in a hybrid car, you will be shot on sight.

There are a few others choice bits, but I'll refrain from posting them, as it would be nice to continue to date females in the near and distant future. It's not misogyny, it's just humor. Please refrain from posting a comment on this saying that "I need help" or "Typical man" or "you're the reason we need Lesbian Festivals." This is a joke, deal with it, and feel free to make fun of men, I don't care.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

It's magic!

My computer works again. Don't know how or why.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Two interviews

I have two job interviews this morning, so I'm wearing my lucky polka-dot underpants. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Did anyone ever tell you that I look like Brett Favre?

Yeah, I think I did mention that. And now it's time to come clean. It wasn't really me that threw the Super Bowl-record 81-yard TD pass to Antonio Freeman to help beat the Patriots in 1997. But it was me that put up that four-turnover crapfest Sunday. Quite possibly the single worst game of his/my career. Very embarrassing.

But there is good news, friends. Despite my best efforts to piss it away at Ford Field, I managed to go 3-0 in fantasy this week -- and that includes a retarded league in which I had to start two QBs (myself and David Carr) who combined for negative 2.07 points. The prognosis is not great, however, as Javon Walker (on two teams) and his torn ACL will not be playing for 8-10 months. So if anyone has a good inside tip for a replacement, just leave it in the comments. Thanks.

Finally, yes, I'll comment on the Browns game. They looked about how I expected them to look. We knew that they didn't have a pass rush, and that hurt them more than anything. Gary Baxter didn't play, and when you give the other team that much time to throw the ball, even I could complete 76% of my passes (as I will demonstrate next week at Lambeau), so I'm not willing to toss out the DBs yet. I thought the linebackers played pretty well, especially Chaun Thompson (the single biggest human being I've ever seen in a towel) and Andra Davis. Thompson is just a beast, to be honest -- he's a physical freak, and I think he's about to blow up since he spent four years at a D-II college. Davis, I think, is benefitting from not having to carry around his full first name on the back of his jersey, thanks to the trade of Andre-with-an-E Davis. The offense... well... Reuben Droughns ran well. The line played very well, and Dilfer was not sacked at all and only knocked down a couple of times. But it never really looked like Dilfer was on the same page as his receivers. Thank goodness we didn't have any more "it's-third-and-three-andI'll-run-a-two-yard-route" situations, because if we did, I might have thrown myself onto the field and to my death. Braylon Edwards -- well, he's big alright. DBs are going to have trouble bringing him down in a lot of situations, so that could be fun. But on the other hand he runs routes like Leslie Shepherd (which is to say, not well).

Also, let's consider this the official start of my campaign to get a rule changed in the NFL. The Browns had a 3rd-and-3 at the 10-yard line when Dilfer threw a pass to Antonio Bryant across the middle. Bryant was open, and the pass would have been complete for a first down had it not hit the umpire (this guy, by the way, was repeatedly out of position. He probably got run into or hit more times in this game than the average umpire did all of last year). Browns center Jeff Faine caught the ball for a loss of 1 (a good play on his part, because it could easily have been intercepted) and was flagged for an illegal touching. Now, there's no question that the call was correct -- ineligible players can only touch a passed ball after it has been touched by another player, and the officials do not count.

But they should. This is an uncommonly silly rule. In other sports, officials are treated as either just another player, or as part of the field. If they were treated as such in football, either case would have resulted in a better result for the Browns in this case (and for everyone in this situation, it seems to me). If the officials were treated as players, Faine's catch would have been legal. If the officials were treated as part of the field, the ball would have been dead as soon as it hit the umpire, and Faine's catch would have been moot. It makes more sense to me to treat the officials as neutral players; ending any play when a ball hits an official doesn't seem appropriate. But as it happens now, the rule penalizes the offense for no good reason -- officials move quite a bit, and to ask the quarterback to account for him and pass around him would effectively make it a 12-on-11 game at times. The defense would not suffer from such a construction (except to the extent that they wouldn't receive penalty yardage) and the offense would benefit greatly. Am I the only one who thinks about things like this? Let's start a letter-writing campaign.

Also, I missed part of the OSU-Texas game because the donkeys escaped at my parents' house. I spent the better part of the first half chasing them down the street and rounding them up. And then at halftime I had to go to my grandparents' house next door to investigate suspicious noises upstairs. Turns out two racoons busted out the screen on the skylight and were having a jolly old time knocking shit over and playing in the toilet. Good times.

Monday, September 12, 2005

If Warrick Dunn can call out NFL players....

...I'm going to call out the parents of the cast of Laguna Beach. They are the real ones that could be donating lots of money to the relief efforts. Here is an outline for my plan:

Talan's parents donate $100 every time he acts like a douchebag

Kristin's parents donate $100 every time she acts slutty.

Stephen's parents donate $100 for every pound under 150 that he weighs.

Jessica's parents donate $250 for every time she acts desperate.

Jason's parents donate $500 for ever brain cell he has (this garners at least $2000).

However, the biggest moneymaker will be my main telethonish rule. Whenever your child uses "like" in the middle of a sentence, you pay $50 bucks. Conservative estimate for last show on this rule alone: $2,000,000.

I think you guys should really, like, think about doing this. You could, like, you know, help a lot of people. We've seen your homes, you can afford it. Like, maybe.

Saturday, September 10, 2005


Notre Dame beats Michigan

Clemson beats Maryland.

LSU beats Arizona St.

Iowa beats Iowa State.

Ohio State beats Texas.

Drinking and football, that's what Ohio does.

Mark it down.

I'd also bet that FSU beats The Citadel.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Getting to the bottom of the problem

I think everyone in America can agree that the government was ill-prepared to respond to the devastation that Katrina left in her wake. It was the greatest natural disaster of our generation, and the government was not ready for it at all.

Who's fault was it? Some people point out the fact that local government failed to maintain the levy and pump system in a city that actually sits below sea level. Smart. Some say the people that remained behind are to blame. However, most are quick to point a finger at the federal government for their slow response. Some go even further and say that the government's slow response was due to racist ideologies (See Kanye West on NBC, among others).

Unfortunately, this last group of people, well not exactly right, are very close. Hurricane Katrina itself is to blame, and she is one racist mother. First, the name Katrina itself embodies white, Eastern European culture, so we know that this hurricane is a white woman. On the other hand, if this was Hurricane Trina, we could point to the rapper by the same name, and absolve the hurricane of any liability. However, no such luck.

Furthermore, Katrina started in the Atlantic Ocean and moved into the Gulf of Mexico. Did it move into the Gulf of Duluth, Minnesota? No, it moved into the Gulf of Mexico. This should have been our first warning sign, as Katrina obviously hates Mexicans.

Most hurricanes reap their havoc on the Florida panhandle, bastion of white retirees. They do this because they are not racist, and do not discriminate. However Katrina, quickly becoming the black sheep of the hurricane family (you can't understand how much this title eats her up inside), chose to land in the Louisiana Bayou. Why? Katrina could not be reached for comment, but I'm assuming that it had something to do with minorities, that racist biatch.

Katrina wasn't just satisfied with choosing a geography, she went even further. She specifically targeted her rage against minorities. Not ONE Caucasian was even injured in her wrath. Furthermore, while Katrina destroyed or damaged most of the property in the region, every single Subway (the store) and Gap escaped unscathed. Amazing how powerful hate can be.

I'd like to point out that this wasn't the first time a natural disaster has acted in a racist manner. Starting with Mt. Vesuvius (a charter member of the ARL (anti-Roman league), a predecessor to the modern KKK) and going all the way up to the San Francisco earthquake in the late 80s (he was a huge homophobe), natural disasters have displayed a higher tolerance for racism than that of the general population. I'm not excusing Katrina's behavior, I'm just trying to put it in context.

OK, I'm having a hard time writing about Katrina. However, I'd have a hard time NOT writing about it, as it's on everyone's mind right now. It's not a joking matter, so I'm stopping right now. I think everyone has realized that every single citizen needs to do their part. Hopefully, if I know you and you're reading this, you've done something. Even if it's just think about the victims, pray, and hope.

However, there is a part of this that is a laughing matter. The black community turning this into a race issue. Jesse Jackson went so far as to liken New Orleans to the "hull of a slave ship." He then pledged to get "6 or 7 buses in there to help people out." Good work Jesse, maybe if you fired the camera crew you hired full time to follow you around New Orleans, you could afford 3 or 4 more buses. Maybe each person you glad-handed for a photo opp could have received a bottle of water if you didn't have to pay the guy that was carrying the boom mic around.

A law school colleague explained it to me best, as I made the folly earlier this year. Just because race is involved, doesn't mean that an action is racist.

We've just been through the greatest natural disaster America has probably ever seen in terms of loss of life, injury, and property damage. It took 4 days for the disaster relief trucks to get to the area. It seems that everyone underestimated the scope of the damage of this hurricane, not just the government. Why did the Red Cross wait to start taking donations until after the Hurricane? A disaster of unprecedented magnitude cannot be accurately planned for, period.

This is a time when Americans should be calling on each other to help, forming stronger bonds and breaching racial tensions. Instead, we instantly play the race card. I'm not sure, but most people don't work faster when you call them a racist. Along those lines, many rappers are starting charities that ensure the aide will go directly to the minority inner-city families. I'm sorry, but fighting racism with more racism is not the answer. How do you think the public would respond if Harry Connick, Jr. started a "Help the White People in New Orleans" campaign. Exactly.

But it's the aide workers that are racist, really, not the people who continually make race an issue and devote their aide efforts solely to one ethnic group. No doubt.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Fantasy football, part 2

Yeah, another one of these. I've promised to write about it, and I'm not going to back down now.

Yesterday was a league with some of my brother's friends from Columbus. I've met maybe two of them, so obviously this was low on my list of priorities. And it got even lower when I discovered that it's one of those retarded two-QB leagues. Two QBs, two WRs, two RBs, and two defenses. One kicker, one tight end, and one flex player. To top it off, there were only three bench spots, meaning you can't keep a backup for every position. That means that whoever wins the race to the waiver wire every week will win the league. Wonderful. In any case, it's still a good tune-up for tonight's draft with the fraternity brothers. To aid me in the Columbus league, I enlisted the help of my buddy Bill.

Standard ten-team draft, snake style, no keepers. I had the seventh overall. Somehow Culpepper went first overall, so I felt pretty good about my chances to land a top back. Dillon was there and I snatched him up. Got Edge on the way back, and Rudi Johnson in the third round. That's a nice little stable to build the team around. Favre in the fourth, Nate Burleson in the fifth, Mike Clayton in the sixth. Drew Bennett in the seventh for bye-week filler, and David Carr as the second QB to finish off the major starters. Went with the Buffalo and Chicago for the defenses, and I figure I'll play Defense Roulette whenever the Bears play Minnesota. Byron Leftwich as our third QB in the 11th, Dallas Clark as our TE in the 12th, and then Antonio Bryant and Sebastian Janikowski to finish the draft. After it was over they expanded the roster by one, and I added Travis Henry. I figure he'll either be starting or worthless by the time he comes up in a bye-week conflict, so it will be nothing ventured-nothing gained, or valuable trade bait.

All in all I'm pretty pleased with my team. I'm really thrilled that I managed to take Dillon, James, and Johnson in the first three rounds. I'm a little disappointed that I passed on Isaac Bruce late (took Clark instead) but Bruce would have been my fourth receiver, and I can only start three in the best- (or worst-) case scenario. On the other hand, Clark might have lasted. I also was hoping to snatch up one more of the rookie backs late in the draft, but JJ Arrington went in the 5th (about five rounds too high, in my opinion) and I had Cadillac Williams in my queue when my brother took him at 91. My week one matchup in this league puts me against Peyton Manning, but no one else I'm really that concerned about. I feel like I'm better across the board at every other position, with the possible exception of kicker.

One more draft tonight, 9:30 in the p.m. Details soon.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Gas price commentary

Overheard in the hallway at school:

"Why invade a country in the Middle East if we're not going to steal all of its oil? I mean I didn't support the war to begin with, but now that we're there, can't we do something about these prices?"

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Uh oh...

Tre is being "that guy" who is eating in class. A giant burrito. Right behind my head.