Wednesday, May 25, 2005

There's no place like home

Ah yes, this timeless cliche always rings true, but not always in a positive sense. I'm at home for a few days between the end of finals and my trip to Atlantic City. I thought I might be a little more productive in doing so, as while in Cincy my days consisted of drinking at night and watching TV/playing Xbox all day. Unfortunately my first 24 hours here at home haven't exactly been the model of productivity. In honor of the Brewers/Rockies game I am currently watching on ESPN (Yes, BREWERS/ROCKIES, and I'm even somewhat into the game, even if it's 8-1), We'll look at my day at home through statistical analysis.

Number of Hours at Home : 24
Waking Hours: 14 (That's right, a good 10 hours of sleep last night)
Times I've looked at my law review packet: 10 or so
Times I've actually done any work on it: 0
Phone calls I've missed because of lack of service in our house: 5
Messages that I've responded to: 0
Times my Mother has asked me to do something productive: 8
Times I've obliged: 0 (However, I have gone to the gym, twice!)
Number of times I've seen two high school kids dry humping on the cross country hill at my old high school: 1 (and it was awesome, I was definitely not as good at dry humping when I was in high school)

You get the picture, home does not equal productivity. I don't feel too bad about the law review packet. 100 kids in our class of 126 are writing for it. I mean really, one guy that is writing for it never once paid attention in class. He used to bring Chipotle into class and just sit there and eat, no books, no notes, just burrito. I at least attempt to hide my lack of intellectual participation in class by playing Yahoo Backgammon on the laptop instead of eating smelly mexican food. Whatever floats your boat I guess, I'm sure he'll make law review now and I'll look like a moron.

Anyway, I can't even blog productively at home, so I'm gonna stop this and go back to eating Doritos and drinking Cherry Coke, being at home hasn't stopped my ability to veg.

Friday, May 20, 2005

Let Freedom Ring

or summer begin, either or.

As my blogmate's previous post indicates, we finished up our first year exams yesterday.

This afternoon, I was rewarded with a physical and a drug test for my summer job. The only way to truly reward a man for a job well done is to have him pee in a cup, then allow a strange man to squeeze his testicles while he turns his head to the side and coughs. It wasn't until the check of the right testicle that I really began to appreciate the fruits of my labor. I was told I needed a physical because there is a certain amount of security clearance associated with this job. I don't really understand how the fact that I don't have a hernia correlates to an ability to keep a secret, but I'm sure that's something I'll learn in the second year of law school.

On a related note, I find it somewhat amazing that I passed the physical after the amount of stress, sleep-deprivation, and lack of exercise in my life for the last few weeks. The massive binge drink on Thursday afternoon led to a further peak in my physical condition.

Tonight, I was rewarded for my efforts this year by the Daytime Emmy Awards. I couldn't even bring myself to watch this for the unintentional comedy value. The DEAs consist of a bunch of really good looking people that can't act being awarded for . . . . . how good looking they are?? On a positive note, the DEAs did set a world record for most University of Phoenix Online graduates in one room at the same time. I think it takes some talent to host a talk show, so I won't say anything deroggatory about the daytime talk show hosts that won awards, but the soap opera awards are ridiculous. One award was "most irresistable couple." At least in this category the pretense of the awards being for acting was dropped. I was waiting for the winning couple to say how they would go home and put this award right next to their 'hottest bod: Cancun 1990' trophies. If there is anything the DEAs can teach us, it's that success in life is directly correlated to how tight your ass is.

The prospects for the rest of the night look a little better at least. E! is showing a rerun of the Saturday Night Live with Pee Wee Herman hosting.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

drunmjkk but donee

no motre afijnals. fisrsy year sof law schoool is over. fuck yaweh. we're done. wooo!@ aohoi i hope o'/m sober enouh fro mr myteeing with teh careerea office otmorrow, because i reall yneed a job. ofofr now though ,i'm just oing to pass out on my couch and watc siengfield. sure flucking feels good to be done though.

wow, i'm druiank arent't i>

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

A concession letter

Dear Tre,

I am writing to offer my concession of the position with Xomox Corporation for which we both recently interviewed. Congratulations on getting the job. I didn't fucking like them anyway.


P.S. - This means you're buying lunch whenever we golf this summer.

T-minus 6 hours

No, not until finals are over -- that's not for a few more days.

Early this afternoon, Tre and I will find out who got the job. Three desperate law students, one job. For those scoring at home, it's probably best to root for the mystery candidate, so you don't get a whole summer full of smug contrite posts from one of us, and angry accusatory posts from the other.

Sunday, May 15, 2005


I went to a nerd school as an undergrad. A lot of people outside the midwest have never heard of Case Western Reserve, but let me assure you -- it's full of dorks. I guess law schools are technically nerd schools, too, but the general population at UC Law is probably 95% less nerdy than the general population at Reserve. Which is why I was not surprised when this happened.

Have you ever seen those shirts that say, simply, "I put the STUD in studying"? Clever, right? Sure they are. You didn't get a lot of those at C-Dub, because no one wanted to be identified as anything other than a dork. But I'll never forget the day in one of the dining halls my freshman year, when my buddy pointed to the little Asian dude coming down the stairs. Care to guess what his shirt said? Yep, that's right:

"I put the YING in studying."

Friday, May 13, 2005

She said "focus"

Here's how fried everyone* is from studying:

The library puts out snacks and coffee and a hot-water thing and hot chocolate mix, and one of my classmates** was in there mixing up some hot chocolate. He opened the packet of Swiss-Miss over the garbage can so if he spilled some, it wouldn't get all over the table. And he then proceeded to pour the entire package of Swiss-Miss, but not into his cup. Into the garbage can. He shook his head, opened another package, dumped it into the water this time, and went back to the books. [Sigh...]

Also, we have just discovered that Tre and I both have a phone interview tomorrow with the same guy for the same job. So we might find out who the real heart and soul of this blog is real soon (answer: probably someone else).

* By everyone, I mean me

** Once again, by one of my classmates, I mean me

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Our Criminal Justice System at Work

As I sit here attempting to cram a semester worth of Crim Law into 48 hours worth of studying, I feel like it's somewhat all for naught. I'm not one to criticize the officers charged with enforcing the law or anyone in charge of correctional facilities, because I know their jobs suck (and they might be one of the really smart ones that could manipulate me into confessing to some crime I didn't commit and get me locked up). I've watched Oz a lot, and I've seen Shawshank Redemption like 45 times. I digress. The point I'm trying to get to is that somehow the US criminal justice system allowed THIS MAN back out on the streets again. 20 days after his release, he stabbed two pre-teen girls 31 times. The same man that was originally locked up for chasing his neighbors around with a chainsaw. Way to go guys, you really rehabilitated the shit out of this one. And really, can't you tell how crazy he is just by looking at him.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Return of the J.D.

So, there's a guy in our law school class that "dropped out" earlier in the semester. Then, on the last day of class, he recanted and decided that he was law school material after all. While some profs aren't letting him sit for exams, others have no idea that he was even gone. And yes, I'm completely jealous that I didn't think of this idea first. Skip class, relax all semester, buy a Gilberts, and cram for a few weeks before exams is a better plan than regular attendance in class and regular preparation. Odds are, I'd do just as well with the drop out/return plan as I'm going to this semester (I am blogging instead of studying for exams). It's just comforting to know that you can quit something halfway through, then enjoy the full fruits of the labor you should have put in.

This plan isn't just brilliant for law school, I think I'm going to apply it to a lot of other facets of my life.

Summer Associate positions: Can you say 4 weeks of work for the summer? I can.

Working Out: Hit the gym one day, quit for 6 weeks. Wake up one morning completely jacked.

Dating: 6 weeks off right after every first date. That way, I don't have to wade through all the normal dating crap, and I can return for when things really start to get crazy in the bedroom.

Birthday: With one hour left in my birthday, I will take 6 weeks off. This will extend my birthday from 24 hours of drunken insanity, to a 6 week period. Something like Mardi Gras. (This can also apply to Spring Break, or any vacation time for the "adults" out there)

Golf game: Take one golfing lesson, 6 weeks later join Tiger on tour.

Drinking: OK, just kidding, the 6 weeks off won't apply to all facets of my life.

The 6 weeks off program also comes in very handy for: prison time, professional sports teams (if the Cavs had taken 6 weeks off, we'd be in the playoffs), pregnancy, quitting smoking, paying debts, and taking long walks on the beach (??).

Feel free to take my idea and run with it, just remember to give credit where credit is due (like when this guy should cite Emmanuels or other people's outlines on his exams).

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Snitch bitch hoe

Another edition of "why I'm going to law school" -- so I can read opinions like this:
The trial transcript quotes Ms. Hayden as saying Murphy called her a snitch bitch “hoe.” A “hoe,” of course, is a tool used for weeding and gardening. We think the court reporter, unfamiliar with rap music (perhaps thankfully so), misunderstood Hayden’s response. We have taken the liberty of changing “hoe” to “ho,” a staple of rap music vernacular as, for example, when Ludacris raps “You doin’ ho activities with ho tendencies.”
-- Judge Evans, of the United States Court of Appeals for the Seveneth Circuit, in United States v. Murphy, footnote 1 (5/4/05)

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Civil Procedure Innuendo

You might be doing too much Civil Procedure when your buddy’s friend whose last name is Hsu (“soo”) changes his IM name and starts to go by “International Hsu.” And you’ve definitely done too much Civil Procedure when you have an email exchange with your buddy filled with Civil Procedure innuendo about International Hsu’s sex life.


Kenny: And most of International Hsu's sexual encounters have been non-mutual and offensive.

Me: But the threshold question is really whether International Hsu had "minimum contact" with the, uhm, forum.

Kenny: Unfortunately not, and that's why most of his cases go to summary judgment before they even get to discovery.

Me: Wow, poor guy. So he doesn't even get to the secondary questions of whether there was "fair play," or whether he "purposefully availed" himself of any benefits of the, uhm, forum. And forget the Calder consideration of where the "effects" were felt, because clearly there were none.

Perhaps next time you or someone else with an interest in the transaction could intervene to help encourage discovery and avoid involuntary dismissal.

Kenny: The problem is that the intervention is never timely -- by the time someone's ready to intervene, the case has already been, ah, dismissed ... He once tried to bring in another party in supplemental jurisdiction, but she wanted nothing to do with the same transaction or occurrence.

Me: Maybe we're over-thinking this. Has he tried an alternate forum altogether?

Kenny: He did, but the case was removed because the parties were diverse and there was enough amount in controversy to meet the statutory minimum. What remains to be seen is whether his long arm statute will cover her jurisdiction.

Me: Just don't forget that however long his arm is, no one would ever let him reach past her due process guarantees, if you know what I'm talking about.

You might mention to him that when he's going to make a motion for relief from judgment, I hear "the stranger" is a good one.

Kenny: Well her due process is safe, since he would promise not to implicate her twin aims, and would thus fail to provide any incentive for her to forum shop.

Me: That's eerie.

Remember -- women are not objects. Because if they were, that would require a totally different in rem analysis. Were that the case, the relevant questions might have more to do with whether or not he has properly "attached" himself than whether he is "due-ing" her process.

Kenny: Ah, but in rem is now subject to minimum contacts as well, so we're back to square one -- does he have minimum contacts with her forum such that she can be haled into, ah, court there against her will?

Me: You know, she could always dismiss him under the ol' forum non conveniens doctrine if the action against her would establish "oppressiveness and vexation" that is out of proportion to his convenience.

In any case, has he "occupied the field" here, or are we just looking at injunctive relief for a prospective harm? Might we be able to sanction her for refusing to comply with discovery requests, or for lacking the candor required by Rule 11?

She sounds like a "bitch" to me.

Kenny: Until we allowed women in the bar, "bitch" was grounds Rule 11 sanctions, I believe ...

Me: Well, I think that settles it then.


I am a loser.