Thursday, April 28, 2005
I was wondering how company slogans might differ if they were located in Kentucky (or Granville, aka Kentucky North). Here we go...
Survivor: "Outwit, Outplay, Outlast"
Survivor Kentucky: "Dimwit, Outweigh, Outhouse"
Crest: "Healthy, beautiful smiles, for life."
Kentucky Crest: "You have no chance in hell of keeping all of your teeth."
The Masters: "A tradition like no other"
The Kentucky Masters: "A tradition of humping your brother"
Geico: 15 minutes can save you 15% on your car insurance."
Geico Kentucky: "15 minutes can help you get your car off the cinderblocks in your front yard and back on the road."
Red Lobster: "For the seafood lover in you."
Red Lobster Kentucky: "For the seafood lover in you, and by seafood, we mean stuff we picked up off the side of the road."
HBO: "Home Box Office."
HBO: "Your Home is a Box in my Office."
Goodyear: "More people ride on Goodyear tires than on any other kind."
Goodyear Kentucky: "More houses ride on Goodyear tires than on any other kind," or "Our tires make great lawn ornaments."
GE: "We bring good things to life."
GE Kentucky: "Eventually we will bring electricity to Kentucky, soon, we promise."
EHarmony: "When you're ready to find the love of your life."
EHarmony Kentucky: "Stop touching your sister and sign up with us, weirdo."
Thats it for now, but I think I might make this a regular column as long as BW keeps it up.
On an unrelated note, I really want Fox to pick up the option on that Small House commercial and turn it into a reality series. I'd definitely sign up for that, except for the whole marriage part.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
National Basketball Association
645 Fifth Ave.
New York, NY 10022
Dear Mr. Stern:
It is my pleasure to announce that my client, blogmate, and son, Tre, will forego his final two years of intramural eligibility at the University of Cincinnati College of Law to enter the 2005 NBA Draft.
Tre was a five-sport athlete at the collegiate intramural level, leading his teams to countless victories in flag football, softball, volleyball, and dodgeball. As a one-year starter for Kobe’s Counsel in the Men’s Independent A division at UC, he averaged 12.6 points, 4.2 rebounds, 3.2 assists, and 0.2 sprained ankles per game.
Tre is also an outstanding citizen and member of the greater Cincinnati community, and will not expose the National Basketball Association to the type of image problems it has endured in the past. He has no known illegitimate children, and shows his support for the local community by constantly patronizing local business establishments such as Mulligan’s, Uncle Woody’s, and the Hofbrauhaus. Additionally, John has promised to shed his extra pounds to avoid the stigma of being overweight like Shawn Kemp and Sean May.
Speaking of whom, Tre’s biological father knows a guy who knows Sean May and Rashad McCants.
Please feel free to contact me (your staff has my contact information on record) regarding Tre’s availability for pre-draft workouts and commercials. Because of Tre’s squeaky-clean image, we think he would be great for some draft-day promos. In fact, we are hoping to reunite Tre with Robert Goulet in a series of musical pieces reminiscent of the “NBA on TNT” campaign of the mid-90s. Tre and Robert previously performed together in the 2002 Broadway production of South Pacific, with Tre as Joe and Robert as Emile.
Because Tre is unemployed and no longer actively seeking legal work, he is available to attend the NBA Draft in New York City on June 28. However, because Tre is unemployed and no longer actively seeking legal work, we will need a small loan from the Association’s slush fund to finance the trip. Please make the check payable to “cash.”
We are eagerly awaiting your response and check. Thank you for your time.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
The Browns made five draft picks that I didn't get to. Their third-round pick was Charlie Frye, the local boy and Akron QB. As my friend Tim pointed out, if he's as good as they say he is, shoudln't he be able to do a little more for his team than he did at Akron? We can see how Chaun Thompson can be a dominating OLB and have his team still go 0-11, because how much can you do for your team at OLB? But as a QB, shouldn't you be able to do better than 6-5 last year? On the other hand, they got him in the third, so it was probably worth the risk. He could be good.
Of the second-day picks, I'll just say that sixth-rounder Andrew Hoffman intrigues me because he missed his sophomore season after dropping a keg of beer on his foot. Nevermind that any sophomore who gets injured before the football season is probably only 19 years old, the part that I like is that he was stealing the keg when it happened. He'll be a fun guy to have in the locker room.
A few non-draft thoughts. First, Vancouver Canucks forward Todd Bertuzzi had his reinstatement hearing with the NHL today. If this isn't hysterical, I don't know what is. To what are they reinstating him? He's going from the "Inactive - Suspended" list to the "Inactive - Locked Out" list.
Second, is there a more bizarre combination in afternoon television than Jim Rome and Roger Lodge? How does Rome, who is probably the best interviewer in the sports world and the self-proclaimed "King of Smack," get paired with a two-bit hack of a dating show host like Lodge? Things like this make me honestly believe that I could coach the national curling team some day.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
4:19 – Apparently they didn’t have a camera on Rodgers lately because he had to take a “private moment” outside the green room. This means he either went to the bathroom and took a leak, because he’d been sitting there too long, or he went to the bathroom and cried, because he’d been sitting there too long. Either way is fine with me.
4:28 – The announcers are openly pining for Rodgers to get picked because the whole scenario is so darn awkward.
4:30 – Rodgers is back from his “private moment.” He looks like a little kid who lost his mommy.
4:46 – The Packers mercifully end the Rodgers saga and take him with the 24th overall selection, thereby anointing him the successor to Brett Favre, who is one of the best quarterbacks of all time. So he’s starting his career with a damaged psyche because of his four-and-a-half hour wait in the green room, and then he’ll be thrown onto the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field and be expected to replace a legend? There’s no way this can have a happy ending, is there?
5:07 – Cabin fever has set in, big time. We need to get out of my apartment, so we took a quick walk down to the end of the street so my friends could see Kentucky in its bluegrass splendor. Thrilling.
5:49 – The Browns make Oklahoma safety Brodney Pool their second selection in the draft. I like Pool, and think he’s a pretty good player, but I just can’t shake this nagging feeling that neither of these first two guys are going to be game-breakers. Edwards’ bust-factor is through the roof (to be fair, the bust factor of all first-round receivers is pretty high) and it really seems like there were half a dozen or so players still available that the Browns could use more than a safety. But what do I know. I’m just a law student.
7:02 – After an hour of trying to solve Abby's comptuer problems and wondering who some of these selections are, we decide that the walk to see Kentucky wasn't enoug, and plan a bowling excursion. I'll give a day-one recap of the draft and a frame-by-frame account of the bowling extravaganza on Sunday.
1:10 – The Bears take Cedric Benson. I don’t like him because he said that he’d rather win the Heisman than beat Oklahoma. The radio host gave him three chances to take it back, but he said the Heisman was where it’s at. No wonder he didn’t do either.
1:13 – Suzy Kolber asks Cedric Benson, “Who is the real you?” Benson replies, “Man, I don’t even know.” Alright, if I’m a Bears fan now, I’m not feeling good at all. Their team just spent the No. 4 overall draft pick on a Texas RB who’s had a history of identity and marijuana problems. Sound familiar?
1:18 – We’re seeing a lot of uncomfortable shots of Aaron Rodgers in the green room. He knows that he probably won’t be picked soon, and at this point he’s questioning why he even came to New York. Normally you’d have commentary from a player who knows what the green room is like, but instead we have Torry Holt, so we’re getting more unsubstantiated rumors from Sal Paolantonio.
1:19 – The Bucs have 2 minutes left. They might take Rodgers I guess. But they need a WR too. Williams, maybe? Hopefully… Please?
1:22 – Carnell “Cadillac” Williams to the Buccaneers. Interestingly, Williams started over No. 2 pick Ronnie Brown while in college.
1:26 – OK, we’ve had this debate going since last night about why no one markets a razor for men’s genitals. I mean, for the women they have the Venus. Why not the Mars for men? It could have a big red dot marketing campaign, just like the Kotex commercials, and you could have some sort of super-flexible guy with his feet behind his head shaving the hair off his balls. It would be great.
1:29 – Nate wants to get interview by Suzy Kolber wearing only the team hat and a clip-on tie. Because he can’t clip it to a shirt, he says he’ll clip it to his scrotum. He could even market his own men’s genital razor, but has decided if he was a high draft pick he’d need his own brand, so he’d try to get a deal with Gilette to create the Mach 12. No no, the Cock 12.
1:31 – The Titans have a few minutes left, and they’ll probably take a CB. We’re fucked.
1:36 – Yeah, they take a CB. Pac-Man Jones. They cut to a shot of him with his family in Atlanta, and he’s got a giant diamond-encrusted Pac-Man medallion around his neck. Just awesome. This leads to an interesting discussion between the guys about why Pac-Man never has to relieve himself.
2:12 – OK, I needed a break in there. I’ve sufficiently calmed down now to come back to this thing. The Cardinals took Antrel Rolle at 8 and the Redskins have selected Carlos Rogers at 9. That means that Cal QB Aaron Rodgers is sitting by himself in the green room and has been since Rolle left after the eighth pick. None of the next ten teams have any real need for a QB, so he could still be there for a few hours.
2:15 – The Lions have just jumped at USC WR Mike Williams. Three years in a row, now, the Lions have spent a top-10 pick on a WR. That’s one hell of a lineup. But Detroit made the pick really fast – they wasted almost no time getting it up to the podium. Does that mean a trade is in the works? Stay tuned, I guess. Dallas is up.
2:17 – Where the hell is my pizza?
2:26 – The silence in this room is deafening. We probably have 3 or 4 hours till the Browns pick again, and we just don’t know what to do with ourselves.
2:28 – Dallas takes DeMarcus Ware, a defensive end from Troy State in Alabama. OK, sure. Troy State. The guy I want is still on the board. Any chance the Browns trade for him? No, not really.
2:36 – Oh boy! A green room interview with Aaron Rodgers! These are always awkward, and Rodgers is no exception. He looks sort of like he’s constipated and just can’t quite squeeze anything out, so he’s got that forced smile on his face. Just excruciating.
2:38 – Interview with Mike Williams. So far appears to be the smartest player taken, with the exception of wunderkind Alex Smith.
2:39 – Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that during my 36-minute hiatus, Nate lost out on his quest to drink a beer per pick. He’s now sleeping peacefully.
2:40 – Merril Hoge likes Mike Williams, but criticizes the pick because of the Lions’ defensive needs. He says that “it’s never really possible to tell what the heck Matt Millen is doing” there in Detroit. That’s a bit like the pot calling the kettle black, don’t you think?
2:41 – I always get a kick out of Ron Jaworski, because he always seems to be just a little too excited about whatever’s going on. But I like him, and so I’m rooting for the Browns to spend a late-round draft pick on UNC WR Jaworski Pollock. I have to think that Ron Jaworski would interview Jaworski Pollock all the time, and that it would be fun.
2:52 – The first trade of the draft. The Saints gave up their first pick this year and third next year to the Texans to move up six spots so they could take OT Jammal Brown. That was fun.
2:53 – Just got off the phone with the pizza place, because the pizza is still not here, even though it was promised half an hour ago. He agreed to take two bucks off. I should have held out, or told him not to come at all. Nate would have asked the delivery girl if he could “put the D in the M” instead of getting a discount. These are my friends.
OK, we're taking a break to eat pizza and play poker. I'll break in with periodic updates on the fate of Aaron Rodgers.
8:30 – Wake up. Draft day, birthday, this is awesome. I’m joined by Pete-Nye, Bill, Nate, and Abby.
10:40 – Returned from a donut run that was an absolute debacle. I don’t even want to talk about it, but at least we finally have donuts.
10:41 – Major League II is on TNT. Abby points out that we could watch the DVD and avoid the commercials. We do that.
11:40 – DVD is over, so we watch the last 20 minutes again on TNT.
12:04 – Welcome to the Javits Center! The opening video montage shows Braylon Edwards, who is decked out in a nice suit and a pink shirt. Looks like he got his watch at Target.
12:06 – Torry Holt has joined Kiper, Berman, and Mortensen on the set. He wasn’t in the green room when he got drafted, so he can't really relate to any of these players. As a matter of fact, he wasn’t sure what year he got drafted in. (Holt’s guess: 1997 or 98. Correct answer: 1998).
12:09 – Opened my first beer, because I’m nervous. Nate announces that he’s on the clock, and has fifteen minutes to finish his first Millter Lite.
12:11 – Got bored during the first commercial, so I Ron Mexicized the name of everyone in the room. My favorite of the bunch – my buddy Bill is “Big Boy Norway.”
12:12 – Hey, it’s Paul Tagliabue! The 49ers are officially on the clock!
12:21 – Bill: “6:34, 6:33, 6:32, 6:31, 6:30, 6:29…”
12:22 – Nate and Bill are debating the merits of pink shirts. We eventually decide that if we were in the green room, we’d bring half a dozen or so clip-on ties, to match the color scheme of the team which drafts us. Best part about this would be that green room camera would catch us actually changing the tie on TV.
12:23 – Nate makes his first pick early and goes for his second beer.
12:25 – The pick is in! Tagliabue walks to the podium, and … it’s Alex Smith! This is the fifth straight year and the seventh time in eight years that a QB has gone first. Wow, he’s wearing pink, too. Smith’s Ron Mexico name is El Nino South Pole. The Dolphins are on the clock.
12:27 – Nate: “He probably graduated early because he’s Mormon and doesn’t drink, so he can study all the time.” No, Nate, he doesn’t drink because he’s only 20 years old. Smith gets on TV and gives a speech laden with cliché.
12:34 – Nate gets another beer. He still has 6 minutes left to make his second pick, but he’s trying to stay ahead of the game. The Dolphins even had a head start on him, but he knocked it out first. The tally: NFL-1 pick, Nate-2 beers.
12:35 – Holy shit. Ronnie Brown is wearing pink too.
12:36 – Like I said, I’m nervous. The Browns aren’t even on the clock, but I’ve already got the Bad Call Brick here and I’m sucking down beers. Hell, I’m writing a damn draft diary to keep myself occupied so I don’t fidget too much. There are 30 seconds left in the Dolphins pick, and I’m desperately hoping they take Edwards so the Browns can’t.
12:37 – Ruh roh… It’s Ronnie Brown to Miami. That means that Edwards is still there, and he scares me to death. Not because he’s from Michigan and I’m a Buckeyes fan. It’s because he drops a lot of balls and when he does catch them, he catches them against his chest. That doesn’t fly in the NFL. I want Derrick Johnson, the LB from Texas. He’s the type of impact player that the Browns desperately need. But people say that he’s not the right “value” at number three. I disagree, obviously, and think that Edwards has little value no matter where he’s picked. Maybe they’ll trade the pick. Maybe they’ll take Edwards and then trade him. Maybe they’ll do the right thing and draft the player that they most desperately need. Fuck.
12:46 – Seven minutes left…
12:47 – Six minutes left…
12:48 – Bill points out that the ESPN clock is half a second behind the official clock at the Javits Center. This is why I keep him around. He’s a genius.
12:49 – Nate finishes his third-round Miller Lite a full four minutes ahead of schedule.
12:50 – Three minutes left…
12:52 – Two minutes left…
12:53 – Oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please…
12:54 – The pick is in…please trade... Fuck. Braylon fucking Edwards. Fuck. This is a guy who drops a lot of balls, especially early in games. His dad tried to explain it by saying, “well, he just gets so nervous that he drops some balls.” Great. I’d rather hear his dad say “well, you know, he’s just not a very good athelete.” Holy fucking shit.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
So I go downtown to McFadden's on Friday night with my law school constituents (including KRez, who took a swig from some old guys plastic flask of Jim Beam, and instead of getting a good buzz got Hep C) and I park in a city garage off Garfield. It plainly advertised:
Evening/Overnight Parking : $1
Sat/Sun Max: $1
I thought this meant at most I'd have to pay $1. However, as I left the garage on Saturday afternoon, after playing basketball to sweat out the large amounts of SoCo and Miller Light I had consumed the night before, the attendant calmly asked for $7. I informed him that I had just parked overnight, and I would pay my dollar and be on my way. He told me the machine said $7, that's what I had to pay. Due to his lack of mastery over the English language, I figured he wasn't in charge here, and asked to speak to his superior.
This got me nowhere. His "superior" couldnt' do anything for me. He showed me the clause on the ticket that said "No employee can alter the terms of this contract." Good wording. No employee of the city of Cincy, or just no employee period? I think I may have to take an appeal directly to the new Pope to get the amount charged lowered, or maybe Bill Gates. Poor wording aside, the thing that really ticked me off was why I was being charged $6 extra.
I had parked in the garage at 4:51 (yes, I know, early start to the drinking). If I had parked there at 5:00, I would have paid $1. I guess 5 PM is when they define evening as starting, although they don't post this anywhere. If you do the math, I paid 6 bucks for 9 minutes of parking. You don't pay $40/hour to park in a dingy garage that smells like gasoline and urine. I mean, maybe if I got an oriental massage while leaving the garage, but there was no happy ending on this day.
On an unrelated topic, I'm glad we got a new Pope, but I'll miss the Pope coverage for sure. Also, I don't understand the boy-band like obsession with the naming of the Pope. I saw people screaming, crying, and fainting when they named the guy. Um, he was part of the Hitler Youth movement at one point in his life. Also, did we forget the Catholic priests are the ones that are touching little boys?? Hopefully these same people cheer as loud at the Michael Jackson trial.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Also, I think you should know that thanks to the magic of wireless internet, I'm writing this blog entry from my bathroom, while listening to the Indians on MLB Radio. God bless technology.
And I'm sorry I'm such a horrible blogger. I'd say that I'll try to be better in the future, but I'm not entirely sure that's true. I will, however, feel bad when I don't bring regular content to you, our loyal readers. So at least you have that going for you, which is nice.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
"What do you say we go back to my place and kick back, I have some leftover tuna salad in the fridge."
"If there is one thing that really turns me on, it's women's high school basketball."
"No really, once I get through this first cycle of Valtrex, the herpes is practically cured!"
"You look just like my lesbian Aunt Connie, well, before she had the nosejob."
"After you shave my back, we could knit a sweater out of the hair."
"Want to know how I got the nickname 'Really small, prematurely ejaculating penis,' I'll show you."
"You'd totally be a 10 if both your breasts were the same size."
"Did you know that a pear isn't the biggest fruit you can fit in your rectum?"
"I've been so sexually frustrated since my sister left town."
"I feel like I've seen you before, have you done any animal porn?"
"You know what one word best describes you?" "No silly, not beautiful, slutty."
If you can use one of these, or something along these lines, and STILL get the girl, you are definitely my idol.
I'm gonna test a few this weekend, I'll let you know how they go.
On an unrelated note....
Dear People of Granville/Students of Denison,
I'm sorry if I offended you with a prior post. I really didn't think you had access to the internet, or for that matter, that you could read. Progress, it's a bitch.
Monday, April 11, 2005
I'd just like to clear a few things up about my home life and my relationship with my blogmate Tre.
Tre is my classmate here at UC Law. We're both from the Cleveland area, but we didn't go to school together and might not have known each other anyway because he was two years ahead of me. We met in the fall at a flag football game and have been practically inseparable ever since.
Tre is also my son. My fiancee and I adopted him after we discussed adult adoptions in Property. It was a difficult decision to make, and of course it required that Tre go back to Cleveland and kill his biological parents, but ultimately the fear that I may be infertile won out, and I didn't want all those trusts which I think are waiting for me and my issue to revert back to T.
So he's my classmate and my son. Remember that Comedy Central show with the old woman who went back to high school and tried to fit in with the people who could have been her kids? Yeah, that's what we're like.
By the way, Son, you're grounded for an extra week. Don't think I don't know about the cigarettes you've been hiding in your desk.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Then, it was salads at Micky D's and nutritional info on all food, making you feel bad about eating stuff that tastes good.
Next, the Atkin's Diet, followed by the South Beach Diet.
Now they even serve fruit bowls at some Wendy's, the former home of the quadruple bacon cheeseburger.
But finally the weight nuts in America have stepped over the line. They've taken one of my childhood idols and ruined him. I have a bad feeling that soon he will no longer be a shell of the man he once was. I'll remember him for his indomitable and wild spirit, his unquenchable passion for life, and love of cookies. Don't let the bastards get you down, Cookie Monster.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
2.) We visited Miami University on Friday night. While it was better than Granville, they don't make undergrads like they used to (more on this to come in a future post).
3.) Does anyone else thing that the Pope actually died on Friday, and the Vatican was a little worried about everyone thinking it was an April Fool's joke?? Think about it. While you are thinking about it, also tell me why Catholics are so uptight about religion when the Pope wears such a funny hat. He obviously has a sense of humor, as evidenced by his attempted April Fool's joke that was thwarted by the bishops. Good man, that Pope. I wish he would have contributed to our blog.
4.) Why do people put how much they love their significant other on their away message. First, the rest of us don't give two shits about how much you love her/him. If you can't tell her/him that to their face, then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship anyway. Second, when I check away messages to pass time in class, I want something to entertain me. Give me something witty, or at least a link to something like this picture. Maybe even a link to another blog. Don't give me bullshit that will just make me hate people in mushy relationships even more.
5.) I don't have a job for the summer. With each day that passes, I feel more and more like I will end up bartending. The job placement office does not find this as funny and exciting as I do.
6.) The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
7.) I love Friendster and the Facebook. Why, you ask? It's simple, you know how cool you are relative to your friends by the number of friends you have. I mean, it's just one big popularity contest right? But if you have too many friends on a site like that, don't you start to wonder..... Either way, I'm gonna keep adding as many friends as possible.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
I am writing to inquire about whether or not your donkeys were available for rental (for one day). We would like to use one of your donkeys for a shoot we are producing in conjunction with the Cleveland Indians possibly the week of April 12th. It would involve bringing the donkey to the ballpark and using the animal for a couple of hours. Would a handler be present? Are there any restrictions? Also, what type of transportation could we use or would be available to have the animal brought from your farm to Jacobs Field and back again?
I look forward to hearing back from you.
Have a great day!
Major League Baseball Productions
So if you see any commercials with a miniature donkey roving around the Jake in the near future, throw a tape in the ol' VCR and record it for me.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
But all joking about deaths aside, here is an excellent post on Johnnie Cochran.