Thursday, December 08, 2005

CPD and OIP Enter Turf War over Competing Bake Sales

I never thought that I'd see a turf war in my own backyard. Being caught in the middle of gang violence, like syphilis, is one of those things that you always think only happens to other people.

Brownies of the Ohio Innocence Project (OIP) clique, or donuts from the Center for Professional Development (CPD)? That, my friends, is the question.

The OIP had set up shop in the main hallway since Monday, peddling their baked wares in exchange for donations to their philanthropic organization. Their grassroots campaign encountered a massive roadblock on Thursday, as the CPD has set up a donut shop right around the corner, offering free baked goodies.

"It's ridiculous, it's a clear-cut example of predatory pricing, how are we going to compete with that? I feel like Wal-Mart just opened up shop in the law school," said a OIPer, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of CPD retribution. Due to this slash in funding, the OIP may be forced to look to alternative forms of funding. Soon we could be speaking of the OIP, brought to you by Nivea for Men.

Sales at the OIP sale had reportedly dropped to a 2-year low by noon on Thursday, causing a slight investor panic. The director of the OIP reportedly cancelled class on Thursday in a symbolic protest over the turf invasion. While the director could not be reached for comment, rumor has it that an "if they want a war, they'll get a war" policy has been adopted. When told of this development, most students responded, "What's a CPD?"

The fallout from a possible OIP/CPD feud has the chance to be catastrophic, leading to a cold war-esque cloud of secrecy enveloping the law school. Friends aren't even sharing information with friends at this point of the year. Some might blame impending exams for this culture of silence, but any rational observer can tell it's really the fear of being caught in the crossfire of a possible OIP/CPD feud.

One neutral party suggested the two come to a compromise and form a new entity, the Center for Ohio Professional Innocence Development Project. He was immediately stoned to death by Law Women, as that new title was obviously furthering anachronistic, paternalistic ideals that we must strive to abolish.

The OIP isn't the group feeling the brunt of the CPD setting up shop. One anonymous 2L quipped, "I've already gained 4 pounds in the last hour, I mean, donuts, and cookies, and brownies, oh my!" (Ok, fine, this "anonymous" 2L is yours truly. I like cookies, what can I say. It's winter, I'm trying to keep warm.)

The OIP was obviously offering the bake sale to help compensate for the gas money, lunch tabs, and various other expenses encountered during their noble mission of helping the wrongfully accused. By contrast, one can only assume that the CPD offered their baked giveaway out of a sense of guilt for not getting any of us jobs.

I was unable to reach the Dean for comment, but I'd assume he'd think that this reporter is a complete moron. Seacrest, out.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Pure genius.

But I thought the free doughnuts from the CPD were only for the top 10% of the class; the CPD didn't realize the other students actually went to law school.

Rumor has it that the doughnuts were a direct result of Clabber Girl winning the open mic contest at "Ned's Tavern."