Monday, November 14, 2005

Revising the American Image

John McCain has come out publicly saying that the US needs to expressly ban torture of prisoners to repair the American image. John McCain is a badass, and has endured his own torture as a P.O.W. However, for political concerns, Mr. McCain had to stop short with his recommendation for repairing America's image. Luckily, I don't care about politics, so I'll round out the plan for America with a few of my own suggestions:

The electric chair and lethal injections are slowly phased out. The gauntlet from Running Man is slowly phased in.

We trade "American Cheese" for "Brazilian Bikini Wax," straight up.

End the charade, stop pussyfooting around, and just annex Canada. However, we send Celine Dion to France first.

Columbus Day is replaced with a holiday that honors a real national hero, Jack Daniels. However, everyone still goes to work, but we all go drunk. Creativity soars, concrete results are non-existent. Taco Bell and Pizza delivery places do record business. Everyone gets some office booty.

"Wussy" Supreme Court decisions can now be overruled by a three-member panel consisting of Mr. T, Mike Ditka, and The Rock.

The FMLA is expanded to include one week of time off for bachelor/bachelorette parties in Vegas or Atlantic City. Gambling losses during this timeframe are also tax deductible.

Water fountains? Oh, you must be mistaken, those are now whiskey fountains.

Remind everyone that there is no crying in baseball, or in football press conferences. This means you, Dick Vermeil.

The "Whaaasssuuuppp?" from the old beer commercials is now a proper business greeting.

Government hires Chuck Norris full-time. He gives serious beat-downs to anyone with a popped collar. Excessive trendiness and acting like you have lots of money is quashed for the time being.

It will not be considered sexual harassment to require secretaries to wear Hooters outfits. I'm talking male or female.

Miranda warnings are replaced by an open-handed slap to the mouth. This is not abuse, merely a reminder that you shouldn't open your mouth until your lawyer gets there, you dirty criminal.

Ashlee Simpson and Jessica Simpson fight to the death. Then the winner gets eaten by a bear.

Nationwide releases of "Romantic Comedies" are replaced by "Hardcore Pornography."

America, we won't torture you anymore, but we're still one bad-ass mofo.

(Also, If I'm in charge I'd like the champion of the WNBA to play the number one ranked boy's high school team in a nationally televised event. I want to end this debate once and for all.)

2 comments:

The Namby Pamby said...

This is funny as shit...great ideas

HMC said...

Very funny!