Thursday, November 24, 2005

Giving Thanks

I am thankful that:

I’m back in the Cleveland area. It just seems cleaner than Cincinnati. Oh, you want to argue this? Really, answer this: 75% of what city often smells like raw sewage (unfortunately, this is not an exaggeration)?

Exams are coming up. Yay! I love exams. I also love viral meningitis and quality time with ex-girlfriends.

Our 4th grade gym teacher was out at the bar last night, and that he tried hitting on all my friends by saying he only liked girls whose ass could fit into this (making a gesture with his thumbs touching and pinky’s extended). I think this restricts his target demographic to 4th graders and below, how ironic….. And yes, I tried to convince by brother to tell the gym teacher how much his sit-and-reach has improved.

Cheaper by the Dozen II AND Yours, Mine, and Ours will be in theatres this season. What says hilarious comedy more than wacky families with a lot of kids getting into all sorts of mischief? Colonoscopies, for one.

They keep playing that stupid Dukes of Hazard ringtone commercial for Nokia. I know there is at least one guy in the world getting less action than me.

I’m not a professional athlete. By the amount of complaining that they do, it’s obvious how tough these guys have it. Can you really believe that a company would tell its employees how to dress? By “employees” I’m speaking of people who are paid millions of dollars to play some sort of sport for 8 months a year. I see how rough their lifestyles are every now and then on MTV cribs. I hate when my foyer waterfall gets clogged.

I am a Cleveland Indians fan. We develop players, you grow up with them, you invest in them. I’d hate to be a Red Sox fan. One year after winning the World Series for the first time in more than one generation, the fan base runs the GM that delivered the title out of Boston. Smart.

I didn’t follow up on my “we should buy Worldcom” idea when the stock was down to 3 cents a share. I'm now free to throw all that money away on booze and hookers. I mean, just booze.

My brother just showed up and told me that I need to dress up for dinner. He’s dressed in an old 3-piece suit that he took out of my Dad’s closet with his hair slicked back. He looks like a cross between a 70s disco star and an Amish man.

Now I’m going to go stuff myself. Those of you that know me, and my aspirations to become a world-champion competitive eater know that this is a long, involved process. It’s more difficult when you have two other 6’3” and taller, 225 plus males to compete with for the grub. Good thing my Mom is on Atkins.

Happy Thanksgiving.


Anonymous said...

Sure, a city whose Lake burst into flames is cleaner???? Have you ever stopped and thought that maybe it's you that smell like sewage 75% of the time.

Anonymous said...

I'm so f'ing tired of hearing Clevelanders rag on Cincy. I never hear Cincy people trashing Cleveland except when the Browns are in town.

Let's have a real debate on this. Maybe set up some criteria to compare the cities. Panels of judges. Possible field trip. Publish the results.


Tre! said...

I think I shower regularly enough for it not to be me.

And yeah, I'd say Cleveland is definitely cleaner, or at least smells much better.

If you want to base current city cleanliness on an event that happened in the 70s, make sure you at least get it right. The Cuyahoga River caught fire, not Lake Erie. Idiot.

Cosmopolitan said...

Wait, so you have 6'3+ male siblings? Hmmm....tell me more...