Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Ode to Shitonus (part 1)

I live in a nice apartment now. I can't complain. There are no mushrooms growing through cracks in the bathroom. I don't have any black mold on my bathroom ceiling. My toilet no longer stops working for weeks at a time. Life is good.

However, things weren't always so plush. I once lived in a little chateau off the main drag in Williamsburg that locals call "Shitonus." In honor of the upcoming homecoming celebration in the 'burg, over the next few days I'll try to recount a few of my favorite Che Tonus memories.

The most prevelent memory in my mind is when I almost missed a sorority formal due to a rugby social going on in our backyard. Yes, the same rugby social where "Animal" intentionally pissed himself then passed out in the Days Inn courtyard, then relocated and passed out again in our fraternity house basement (naked, or so I've heard).

Anyway, due my involvement in the afternoon's revelry, I may or may not have forgot about the fact that I was getting picked up at 5 PM to go to dinner for the aforementioned formal. As is the custom, we were going to dinner with a large number of people, including my housemate and his girlfriend. It was my housemate's girlfriend that showed up in our back yard to pick me up. Needless to say, I wasn't quite getting ready for the formal. Unless by "getting ready for the formal" you mean "trying to throw an empty keg through our neighbors porch, then giving up on the keg and just jumping through the screen porch myself." Yes, beer boxing had done a number on me.

Needless to say, my roomie's girlfriend calmly informed me that we were late for the formal, and I needed to get ready. Her exact words were, "Tre, you fucking asshole, you have 5 minutes to get inside, get ready, and get out here." I rushed inside and jumped in the shower. After washing the sweat off for about 30 seconds, I ran into my room, where 2 of my roommates were waiting to help me get dressed. They kindly dressed me in a pink shirt, with a red tie, my grey suit without a belt, and my restaurant 'no slip' work shoes. I looked great, let me tell you. By the time I made it to the car, I had already bled through the knee of my suit (porch jumping injury).

So we get to the restaurant and I proceed to refuse to order any dinner, only eating bread and water, and profusely apologizing to my date. I mean, so much so that she eventually told me to just shut up.

The night actually got better, once everyone else caught up to me. Numerous shots of Aristocrat (from the handle we had 'snuck in' tucked into my date's coat, what kind of security can't see a handle?) in the ladies room helped this. The slip proof shoes also proved to be a godsend on the dance floor.

Ah yes, I miss those times, but this weekend gives me a chance to relive them. The fact that one of my buddies has just returned from Iraq will most likely make this the craziest weekend of my life.


Cosmopolitan said...

So did your date ever ask you to another sorority function?

Have fun this weekend! We're expecting some good stories...

Shree Kurlekar said...

Oh Tre,

I am here in Japan, and I, like many, have fond memories of shitonus. Have a great time at homecoming and tell everyone I said konichiwa... bitches.

Anonymous said...

wow, w & m students are so creative - what a great name.

by the way, i can't make it until monday am to post bail...