Monday, September 19, 2005

The Ohio Lesbian Festival

Let me say this: I love lesbians. I love them. In fact, I may or may not have viewed a number of motion pictures depicting lesbians and how they show their love for one another. However, a law school classmate of mine recently sent an email out promoting the upcoming "Lesbian Festival." I'd have no problem with this, however, I did not see the following events on the schedule: "Lingerie Pillow Fight","Kissing Booth", or "Maybe My Partner and I are Straight but the Right Man Just Hasn't Come Along but it's Probably You, Tre."

Not only are these events excluded, but so are men. I mean, the only real way I can think of celebrating the breaking down of gender barriers is to . . . erect one?? I guess if we combat racism with racism, we might as well combat sexism with sexism. I'm no genius, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn last night. Essentially, I'm assuming this is just going to be one big meat market for Lesbians. Oh, it's to celebrate womanhood? So you're just celebrating each other (which goes back to a meet market). To properly celebrate something, you need someone else there to acknowledge it. I mean, do they just have the Emmy winners show up to get their awards and pat each other on the back? No, they have to have a bunch of "nominees" to act like they are very happy for the actual winner, but are crying on the inside and promising to fire their agent ( on a side note, the writers for Da Ali G show should have won last night, merely for the decision to use faces of male porn stars instead of their own during the reading of the nominees.). Maybe it's a day to free yourself from the domineering male psyche. However, if you want to be feminists, you have to throw this argument out the window (see "taking feminism a step further").

Whatever the reason is, it's cool, I guess, just don't complain when I put together "Man Fest" later this year, complete with the requisite man-needs. After spending a decent amount of time at the bar on Thursday night, I edited some of the events at the Lesbian Festival for my "Man Fest." Here are some snippets, enjoy:

ACCESSIBILITY: Interpreters will be available by request for workshops. If you request an interpreter, I will kick your ass then burn down your house.

An on site physician is available on call. However, a real man would just have another beer. You big douchebag.

MERCHANT AREA: We will have a shit ton of beer. And hookers.

HANDJOBOGRAMS: There will be a shitload of strippers on site. If you want a handjob in the champagne room you must call 800-JERKOFF in advance to schedule an appointment.

STAGE: Rain or shine, the festival goes on! A covered area at the stage seats 500, but your bitch ass better be in the mosh pit, with designated smoke-free and chem-free areas for all the fucking communists that decide to show up. Day Stage begins at 12:30 & Night Stage begins at 7:00 pm. Hooker orgy will commence at midnight.

FESTIVAL SITE & HOURS: We'll have a shit-ton of beer, do you really give a shit where you are getting fucked up? When you puke, you can see rustic hills and blah, blah, blah, blah. The weather in Central Ohio in September is usually slightly cool with bright, blue skies and sunshine. However, it can on occasion be somewhat unpredictable, so come prepared for heat, chill or rain. Hopefully it rains and gets cold, you know what I'm talking about, THO'S!!

FOOD: Steaks, fucking Buffalo Steaks, Ostrich Steaks, Slim Jims, Buffalo Wings, Skyline, Chicken Nuggets, Burgers, think of anyway you could kill an animal and serve it, we'll do it.

Also, if you are a vegetarian, there will be a variety of options available to you. Namely, leaving.

KIDS: Do not bring a girl under the age of 18 to the manfest. It's called statutory rape, no one needs that.

PARKING: We only have truck, SUV, or RV parking. Don't show up in anything else. If you show up in a hybrid car, you will be shot on sight.

There are a few others choice bits, but I'll refrain from posting them, as it would be nice to continue to date females in the near and distant future. It's not misogyny, it's just humor. Please refrain from posting a comment on this saying that "I need help" or "Typical man" or "you're the reason we need Lesbian Festivals." This is a joke, deal with it, and feel free to make fun of men, I don't care.


Productive Citizen: every-so-often rant said...

Speaking of hot ohio girl on girl action, I hear Rita is about to fuck everyone in Houston! What say you TRE!?

Tre! said...

I know, I heard she's going to fuck everything in sight, man, woman, child, dog, it doesn't matter. Wait, we're talking about the hurricane, right?

Productive Citizen: every-so-often rant said...

yea, the hurricane.... (tre's mom is hot!)