Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Did anyone ever tell you that I look like Brett Favre?

Yeah, I think I did mention that. And now it's time to come clean. It wasn't really me that threw the Super Bowl-record 81-yard TD pass to Antonio Freeman to help beat the Patriots in 1997. But it was me that put up that four-turnover crapfest Sunday. Quite possibly the single worst game of his/my career. Very embarrassing.

But there is good news, friends. Despite my best efforts to piss it away at Ford Field, I managed to go 3-0 in fantasy this week -- and that includes a retarded league in which I had to start two QBs (myself and David Carr) who combined for negative 2.07 points. The prognosis is not great, however, as Javon Walker (on two teams) and his torn ACL will not be playing for 8-10 months. So if anyone has a good inside tip for a replacement, just leave it in the comments. Thanks.

Finally, yes, I'll comment on the Browns game. They looked about how I expected them to look. We knew that they didn't have a pass rush, and that hurt them more than anything. Gary Baxter didn't play, and when you give the other team that much time to throw the ball, even I could complete 76% of my passes (as I will demonstrate next week at Lambeau), so I'm not willing to toss out the DBs yet. I thought the linebackers played pretty well, especially Chaun Thompson (the single biggest human being I've ever seen in a towel) and Andra Davis. Thompson is just a beast, to be honest -- he's a physical freak, and I think he's about to blow up since he spent four years at a D-II college. Davis, I think, is benefitting from not having to carry around his full first name on the back of his jersey, thanks to the trade of Andre-with-an-E Davis. The offense... well... Reuben Droughns ran well. The line played very well, and Dilfer was not sacked at all and only knocked down a couple of times. But it never really looked like Dilfer was on the same page as his receivers. Thank goodness we didn't have any more "it's-third-and-three-andI'll-run-a-two-yard-route" situations, because if we did, I might have thrown myself onto the field and to my death. Braylon Edwards -- well, he's big alright. DBs are going to have trouble bringing him down in a lot of situations, so that could be fun. But on the other hand he runs routes like Leslie Shepherd (which is to say, not well).

Also, let's consider this the official start of my campaign to get a rule changed in the NFL. The Browns had a 3rd-and-3 at the 10-yard line when Dilfer threw a pass to Antonio Bryant across the middle. Bryant was open, and the pass would have been complete for a first down had it not hit the umpire (this guy, by the way, was repeatedly out of position. He probably got run into or hit more times in this game than the average umpire did all of last year). Browns center Jeff Faine caught the ball for a loss of 1 (a good play on his part, because it could easily have been intercepted) and was flagged for an illegal touching. Now, there's no question that the call was correct -- ineligible players can only touch a passed ball after it has been touched by another player, and the officials do not count.

But they should. This is an uncommonly silly rule. In other sports, officials are treated as either just another player, or as part of the field. If they were treated as such in football, either case would have resulted in a better result for the Browns in this case (and for everyone in this situation, it seems to me). If the officials were treated as players, Faine's catch would have been legal. If the officials were treated as part of the field, the ball would have been dead as soon as it hit the umpire, and Faine's catch would have been moot. It makes more sense to me to treat the officials as neutral players; ending any play when a ball hits an official doesn't seem appropriate. But as it happens now, the rule penalizes the offense for no good reason -- officials move quite a bit, and to ask the quarterback to account for him and pass around him would effectively make it a 12-on-11 game at times. The defense would not suffer from such a construction (except to the extent that they wouldn't receive penalty yardage) and the offense would benefit greatly. Am I the only one who thinks about things like this? Let's start a letter-writing campaign.

Also, I missed part of the OSU-Texas game because the donkeys escaped at my parents' house. I spent the better part of the first half chasing them down the street and rounding them up. And then at halftime I had to go to my grandparents' house next door to investigate suspicious noises upstairs. Turns out two racoons busted out the screen on the skylight and were having a jolly old time knocking shit over and playing in the toilet. Good times.


Cosmopolitan said...

Loved your comment about the back of Davis' jersey. Too funny.

So did you really miss part of the OSU/Texas game b/c of some escaped donkeys? How inconsiderate of the donkeys to plan their escape to coincide with the big game...although, perhaps that was part of their strategy - they were hoping you wouldn't notice.

Nye! said...

Yeah, I really did miss the entire first quarter, except for the opening kickoff and the next two plays, and most of the second quarter. I missed about five minutes of the third quarter with the racoons. They managed to show themself out, by the way, before anyone had to shoot them.

Anonymous said...

Blue Horseshoe loves Antwaan Randle El.

Brad said...

"I missed part of the OSU-Texas game because the donkeys escaped at my parents' house."

I guarantee you that is the first time anyone has put together that sentence. You have said something no one else has ever said before in the history of the English language. Congratulations.