Tuesday, August 30, 2005

"We gots us a hurrican'!"

It took me an hour and forty-five minutes to get to school today, and I only live 9 miles from school. Normally it's an eighteen minute trek. In part, this is due to a leaking train car around the corner from my house -- the entire neighborhood in the valley down the street has been evacuated because they're afraid it will explode. It's freaking styrene, people. Vinyl benzene. It's not fucking uranium.

On top of that, we're getting bombed with rain from that "hurricane" that came through, which is what I wanted to talk about. OK, I understand that not everyone can evacuate. Whether it's for health reasons or because of economic problems, some people just can't get out of town. Fine. But these people who stay because they think they can weather the storm are fucking morons. I don't care if they want to stay and get washed away with the flood -- we should let them kill themselves for all I care. What we shouldn't do is rescue them from their rooftops. There's no reason that we should allow these people to put the lives of the rescuers in danger because they're too stupid to evacuate when they have the means and time to do it. Let them wait it out. Eventually the water will subside and they can come down without endangering the lives of the people who are smart enough to evac and noble enough to risk their lives saving the innocents.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Today in the Library...

I asked a fellow student if I could borrow a highlighter.

His response was "Sure, go ahead, actually, you can use my Westlaw highlighter, it's in there feuding with my Lexis-Nexis pen."

I let him know that I had never heard someone sound more like a dork in my life.

If you ever say that inanimate gifts from Westlaw and Lexis are feuding, you deserve to be beaten, soundly.

Oh, did I mention it was Nye that said this? Go figure. Married life has killed his sense of humor.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Don't bother to read this one -- it's about fantasy football

Alright, I promised you inside knowledge on my fantasy drafts, and by golly you're going to get it. And yeah, I know that none of you want to hear about it, because no one ever wants to hear about anyone else's fantasy team, but that's too bad -- it's my damn party and I'll cry if I want to. Maybe if you're lucky, John will delete this before anyone reads it.

I usually play in 3 or 4 leagues, but the big one is with my oldest friends from high school. It's a 25-round monster -- we start 1 each QB, RB, TE, K, DB, and DL, two each WR and offensive flex, and three defensive flex. Yeah, we don't do that pussy-ass "team defense" shit -- anyone can pick one of those. Scoring is pretty standard, except you get penalized more than usual for turnovers and get nothing for attempts, completions, or receptions. The draft is a randomized snake and there are no keepers.

Normally I begin my draft preparation in July with personal tours of traning camps and player interviews. (That, actually, is not a joke.) This year, however, I had a few other things going on and wasn't able to make it to any of them, so I was feeling very underprepared. To make matters worse, I spent a large chunk of the pre-draft hours this year a) driving from Cincinnati to Toledo, and b) watching the Browns game. This meant that by fifteen minutes before the draft, I had only half of my player rankings complete, and no bye-week list. Oh, did I mention that I was using dial-up for this? Yes, woe is me.

By the way, every year two of my buddies and I take bets on who's going to be the first to screw up various picks. For example, who is the first to take a defender, who is the first to take a kicker, and who is the first to take a player that makes everyone go "what the hell did he just do"?

This year I had the #2 pick, the highest I've ever been. Peyton Manning went first overall, so I was more than pleased to take Tomlinson at number two. On the way back I grabbed Portis at 19 and Javon Walker at 22. Things got a little hairy in the next rounds when I panicked and picked Ron Mexico at 39. I had a few other players in mind, but the bye week situation got the better of me, and I figured I might as well take a player I like, right? I immediately regretted it, but felt like I got a pick with solid potential in Cadillac Williams in the fifth round. And I hate taking teammates, especially early, but I got Isaac Bruce and Marc Bulger in the sixth and seventh, respectively. Eddie Kennison and Randy McMichael should basically round out my offensive starters, and I added Michael Bennett as a potential depth guy.

Let's take a second here to talk about Eddie Kennison. I actually though Eddie Kennison was white. I don't know why I thought this -- I guess I've just never really seen him (nevermind why I would draft a player I've never seen). This is a fun game to play, though -- try these out: Barry Stokes, Brandon Phillips, Ken Cloud, and Khalil Greene.

This also seems like a good time to mention that DeShaun Foster went in the third round this year. The third round! This guy gets injured more than Grant Hill. He has two career rushing touchdowns. And you're telling me you'll take him over other RBs like Chris Brown, Travis Henry, Cadillac Williams, JJ Arrington, Ronnie Brown, or even Fred Taylor? My friend Bill said "Clearly, [Nick] watched DeShaun Foster run on the Browns earlier in the night and then picked him 2-3 rounds too early." Good work, Nick.

Starting in the 11th I turned my attention to defense, and got Simeon Rice, Zach Thomas, and DeMarcus Ware. Have you seen this Ware character yet? He's a rookie defensive end/outside linebacker from Troy State, and he can chase the QB like made and picked off a pass last week. The motor on him is just unbelievable -- he can chase down backs from the opposite side of the field and cover tight ends or slot receivers man-to-man. He's probably the draft pick I'm most proud of, and the odds-on favorite for Defensive Rookie of the Year, in my opinion.

The mid-to-late rounds are difficult, because not only are you looking for the diamons in the rough, but it's getting close to 1am and everyone is complaining about something or other. I panicked again and chose Donte Stallworth, thinking that he was still returning punts in New Orleans. Let's just say that he could be my first roster casualty. But I also grabbed Dunta Robinson, who had six picks as a rookie, and added Ryan Longwell to kick. I filled out the defense with Kevin Williams, Takeo Spikes, Ronde Barber, and Shaun Rogers. I made a few mistakes in there -- I passed on Kurt Waner in the 19th, for example, and it would have been nice to have Tony Bua, just because he once commented that "people were out there playing like their hair was on fire" -- but I think I made some good picks for depth in Chris Cooley, Jason Hanson, and Ben Roeradhasldgkhasberger. To finish things off I picked up Andre Davis, hoping that he wins the kick returning job in New England and I can plug him in in a bye week, and I added Charlie Frye in the 25th and final round, just in case.

I'm pleased with my team, overall. There are a few rounds I'd like to do over again, obviously, but I'm entertaining some trade offers that could be mutually beneficial, and at least I'm not the guy who got David Akers and Terrence McGee in the 8th and 9th on auto-pick. This year the first kicker actually selected was in the 14th, which I think is an all-time low. And the first reach for defense came in the 9th, which is much better than the 5th rounder my brother spent last year.

My friend Kenny commented, "I've talked myself into liking my team, pending some big ifs at the wideout spot. We'll see." And my brother Pete-Nye says that he thinks my team is "more solid than anyone else's." I feel like I left a fair number of points out there with the Vick blunder and by passing on Warner, but when others don't feel great and think my team is good, I have to feel like I'll be in the hunt. I guess only time will tell.

Next draft is currently scheduled for this Thursday, so be on the lookout for that. And another one should follow next Monday. I think that will be all for me, but you never know.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

OK, Sorry, This is funnier

Man, I thought nothing would be funnier than Oliver the pink shirt wearing douchebag. However, religious nutjobs always take the cake.

What's the protocol for apologizing for calling for a man's assassination. I mean, I know when you grow up people always say apologizing makes things better, but what about when you call for a man's life. I can't imagine ole' Pat making a 180 this quickly, so it's pretty obvious what happened.

Ashton Kutcher.

Hugo Chavez, welcome to American culture, you just got Punk'd!! Who knew that Pat Robertson and Ashton were such good friends. Maybe it's because they've both slept with Demi Moore (technically, Mr. Robertson only used to pleasure himself to G.I. Jane, but who's counting).

However, Chavez got the last laugh when he told Americans that gas costs 15 cents a gallon in his country. Sounds good? Oh yeah, they're ruled by a communist warlord, details!

Robertson also said that he was misinterpreted. He says he said the US should "take him out" not "assassinate" him. So Robertson just wanted US Special Forces to take Chavez to the Olive Garden for unlimited soup and salad? Maybe after that they'd go roller skating. Who knows, at the end of the night maybe they'd go home and play a little game called 'just the tip' and see how it feels.

Last time I checked, if you ask a Navy Seal to 'take someone out,' he's not thinking dinner and a movie or political maneuvering. So Hugo, sorry about the Punking, give us some gas?

I WISH I had Thought of This....

....one of the funniest links on the web.

We all know a few Olivers.....

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

R.I.P. 2L Motivation

Time of Death: 4:30 PM, 1st day of class

Lifespan: Approx. 7.5 hours

Highlights: Bought textbooks at two different bookstores, fed meter on time, read for class on time, took detailed notes in class including outline format.

Cause of death: Decision to drop seminar class instead of driving back into school.

Services will be held at BW3's tonight (I refuse to call it BWW) over 35 cent wings. I am also working on arranging a happy hour for Friday night.

I feel like my 3L motivation may die before I sign my credit card receipt for books.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Employment law question

Is there anything with more potential to ruin your summer job than an office fart? My office (the fourth of the summer) is quite small, and most of it is taken up by bookshelves and desks. So when you walk in, you're maybe three or four feet away from me sitting in my desk chair. And let's just say that I've been known to be particularly gassy at times. OK, all the time. What happens if I let one rip, and my boss knocks on the door less than a second later? Can I get fired for that?

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Dear Lady, We Get Your Point, Go Home (to me)

Let me preface this blog by saying I am not a heartless, soulless bastard. OK, I am a bastard, but I have a heart and soul. Moving on.

Cindy Sheehan needs to go home. I sympahtize with her plight, I can't imagine what kind of crazy stuff I would do if one of my children (future) was killed in war. However, she's a little past the initial crazy, lunatic phase and she's moving into the annoying self-fulfilling phase.

The other protesters, they don't cary about ole' Cindy, they're just using her as a billboard for their politics. That is very disgusting, but we'll let it slide, I'm here to talk about Cindy.

Many of the residents of Crawford, Texas are becomming more and more upset with the antics of Sheehan and her supporters. Crawford is a ranching community used to a peaceful and easy (so Eagles, sorry) way of life. The protest party has changed this, to the point that some residents of Crawford have asked for them to leave. Some have even shot guns up in the air as metaphorical "warning shots." However, now the protest group has decided to move closer to Bush's ranch.

The group cites their First Amendment rights whenever their presence in Crawford is challenged. I agree with them here, after all, America gained it's independence due to one wicked protest. But let me exercise my constitutionally protected right as well: Collectively, you are the dumbest group of people I've ever read about (this includes Kentucky and Granville).

First, what the hell are you actually trying to accomplish? Mrs. Sheehan has stated that she is doing this because she wants an audience with President Bush to air her grievences. One, she already had an audience, but after she left, she decided that she felt unsatisfied, so now she's demanding another meeting by sitting outside Bush's front lawn. Hopefully none of my ex-girlfriends decide to employ this tactic. Two, Mrs. Sheehan's stated goals are to ask why we're in Iraq and then to press for the immediate removal of troops. Does she really think Bush will give her a straight answer on the first issue? He's been hounded by reporters since the start of this thing, but he'd end up caving to Mrs. Sheehan? Talk about liberal elitism (I do not know Mrs. Sheehan's political orientation). Furthermore, as much as you may hate Bush, I think we all can agree he's not just making decisions on a whim, he is surrounded by very distinguished military advisors. Who has the best idea of when to pull out of Iraq, 4-star generals or mothers of the bourgeoisie? I guess it's really 6 one way half a dozen the other.

If Bush listens to Mrs. Sheehan, a civil war erupts in Iraq and many, many more will die, but they won't be white, so maybe that is what will satiate Mrs. Sheehan's political activism: No more dead white people. I completly understand the rhetoric of people that question the war in the first place. However, now that we're there, you can't just pull out halfway through. If you are a student of recent history, you'd know this from our first experience in the gulf. I don't think this war was carefully planned out or orchestrated, however, at this point we're engaged in a conflict with international ramifications, whether we like it or not.

Finally, Mrs. Sheehan has taken her crusade to the doorstep of President Bush's life. I guess you can say that when Bush ran for office, he should have expected some inquiry into his personal life. As such, when Mrs. Sheehan put herself in the public eye, she should expect some invasion into her personal life. I propose a protest on Mrs. Sheehan's front lawn wherever she may live in America. I suggest we stay there until Mrs. Sheehan decides to leave Crawford. We will block traffic, set up portable toilets, and annoy the neighbors, just like Mrs. Sheehan. Stupid, you say? I agree, but then again, we won't look that much more dumb than the people camping out in Texas.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

I hope you never experience this

I imagine this is going to come off as being a little weird, but hey, sometimes there isn't a lot of inspiration out there. I guess this is sort of funny, in a small way, but mostly because it horrifies me in a way that I can't really explain. It's really even more horrifying if you know the whole story, but that's something for another day, or maybe not at all.

When I was a senior in high school, three students (ages 19, 17, and 15) planned a robbery of a local gas station. They checked the place out about a half hour before closing. There were only two people in the store, the cashier and her friend who was there to pick her up. They all knew each other, and they reportedly even chatted during the casing. Then, they returned at closing time with a gun, and shot and killed the cashier, including one point-blank round. The gunman fired two shots at the friend too, but didn't seriously injure her. They fled when they ran out of bullets. The second girl in the store identified them all, obviously, and they were arrested that night.

Yeah, you read that right. Three kids who lived in my little town, population 12,000, planned a robbery of a gas station in that same little town, shot the teller and shot at her friend because they could identify the culprits, and fled. They reporedly got less than $100 in the robbery.

OK, as if that weren't a strange enough experience for me, I found out the next day that the driver of the getaway car was a girl with whom I had been best friends in about seventh and eighth grades. Just a shocking turn of events, obviously. But to make at least part of this long story a lot shorter, two of them pled guilty and testified against the third, and they all have minimums of somewhere between 25 and 38 years left in the pokey.

Meanwhile, I've finished high school, gone to college, graduated, moved from Cleveland to Cincinnati, started law school, and gotten married. So imagine my surprise when a letter arrived on Friday from the Reformatory for Women in Marysville, Ohio.

It was a strange letter, almost as if there was nothing at all abnormal about her writing to me from prison. She seems to be doing well, relatively speaking, and is managing the shipping dock, getting computer training and whatnot. At least she doesn't appear to be clinging to the illusion that she'll be getting out on appeal soon, like she was at the beginning.

OK, I don't even have anywhere to go with this. No joke, no funny commentary, nothing. It was just a singularly bizarre occurrence, at least for me, and I felt like I should share.

Alright, fine, I know you're not used to serious things here, so let's try a quick joke. A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want a bourbon and .... a coke." The bartender asks, "What's with the huge pause?" And the bear says, "I don't know man, I've had them all my life." Feel better now?

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

To my Greek friend!!

As promised....

I was a little disappointed that my Greek buddy did not want to drive 5 hours to party with me this weekend. Then, I realized it's not his fault, he's half Greek, so he was born lazy. He's so half-Greek that he was able to override his other half, Irish and Native American, which most likely voted to get hammered (Irish and Native American, I mean really, they save wings at Betty Ford for that ethnicity).

Excerpt from email to my Greek friend:

Ever wonder why Gyro's come in flatbread? Greeks are too lazy to add the yeast.
Greek Alphabet? 24 letters? Right? Can't make it to 26? It looks like the Greeks spent a lot of time in developing that logo for the Olympics, 5 rings, good work, Picassuck.
Greek system in the US = haven for people that like to sleep all day and drink at night and never to any work. Oh, Greek salad? It's actually just all the shit that people didn't eat off the lunch buffet.

Greek Flag = just a bunch of blue squares and stripes on a white piece of cloth. Really, why didn't they go with some Greek's huge assprint in the middle. Signifying the Greek national pasttime of sitting on your ass.

Good work on the Athens Olympics, I heard that you ALMOST got everything done on time. It's the fucking Olympics, it's not like the deadline snuck up on you. "Hey Mepos, stop shaving your eyebrows, we have pool to pour for Olympics.""Oh, Rekip, I forgot that the Olympics are every 4 years, I will stop trying to hump goat and marry my sister to local sheep herder, let's make pool, after nap of course."(Yes asshole, they speak broken English in Greece)

Also, Greeks always like to claim how they invented modern democracy. Maybe it was just because not one Greek had enough intiative to take charge? Furthermore, Greece is actually just a bunch of islands. It's obvious Greeks were too lazy to govern these islands independently, so they threw them all together and made one big government.

Then his response when I asked him if I could blog about his laziness:

I would be careful with blogging about Greeks...I mean, if you think some people can make your legal life a little uncomfortable, just wait till you see what a Greek can do to make your ENTIRE life uncomfortable. I'm talking irresponsible financial decisions, unprotected sex, procrastination, dirtiness, mooching, even more hair on your back than you have now...be careful my friend, for once one drinkeths from the cup, he cannot help but to drinketh again (wise Greek saying from 100 BC which is totally irrelevant in this context...other than pointing out that you too could one day turn into and lead the luxurious life of the poor, dirty, lazy Greek male, father to 13-20 illegitimate children).

Actually, Greeks don't own computers, and if they do, they are looking at Greek websites...that's assuming they are paying their internet bill...blog away....I am only half Greek...with the other half comprising a redeeming Irish/Native American mix....yes......

I love you, W (not the President).

Monday, August 08, 2005

Lessons I've learned from Drew Rosenhaus

Drew Rosenhaus likes to call himself "The Shark." His penchant for holding players out of camp and forcing the renegotiation of long-term contracts has made him public enemy number one with most NFL GMs. However, the rest of us average joes can learn something from his tactics.

First, as I stated in earlier posts, I attempted to declare for early entry to the OSBA and join a firm directly after my first year of law school. Unfortunately, the OSBA enacted a new age-limit policy mimicking the NBA and NFL. Luckily, Mr. Rosenhaus hadn't yet contacted me, so I still have eligibility. Instead of going to a legal prep school for a year, or joining the OSBDL (Ohio State Bar Developmental League), I decided one more year of stardom at UC Law was the correct choice. There are some good 3L role players, and some nice recruits in the 1L class that will help fill out the roster, so I think we have a legit shot at making the playoffs this year.

My next action as my own agent was to hold myself out of summer intern camp for the last few weeks. I'm looking for a guaranteed offer from a firm for next summer and guarantees for 2007. Most firms only look to give a club option for that second summer, but I think I'm gathering momentum in negotiations. My main point is most firms' willingness to deal established veterans to teams that just aren't contending anymore. For instance, my employer had no qualms dealing Steve from HR to the Dayton Holiday Inn bellhops for cash and an employee to be named later. I also pointed to the fact that both BW3 and Boston Market are hiring in Hyde Park. I'd be willing to sign a one-year deal with either of those teams, star for a year, and hope the new collective bargaining agreement lowers the luxury tax that's holding most of these teams back.

In the end I'm just looking for a concrete guarantee. It's ridiculous that firms are allowed to fire employees at any time. I need a long-term deal. I have to feed my family. So here's the message to firms that are looking to draft me for their Summer League Associate teams: I'm looking for guaranteed money up front, at least a 3 year contract with a mutual option for a fourth year, a 10% raise over last year's summer associates, and a chance to start right away. A personal masseuse would not be a bad perk either.

So there it is. Not like this all really matters, odds are I wasn't gonna get hired anyway. I think I may make some of these demands in interviews.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Football season is almost here

Is everyone else as dumb as I am about fantasy football? It’s not all fantasy sports (to wit, my fantasy baseball team consists entirely of Cleveland Indians) – it’s just football. I’m not really sure why I do it.

But here it is, the first week of August, and I’m busy making lists of the offensive starters for every team, with cryptic notations next to each one to mark who’s switched teams, which receiver has a different QB throwing to him, and who’s likely to be threatened for playing time. Soon I will be ranking them and plotting draft strategy. Before law school, I could keep up with NFL news well enough that I could name every offensive skill starter for every team, and most of the line and defense too. Now, I’m almost ashamed to admit that it took me almost three minutes to remember that Oakland picked up LaMont Jordan in the offseason. I actually had to call my brother in Phoenix to be reminded that the Cardinals drafted JJ Arrington. Yes, I’m a dork.

Anyway, my point is, the rankings are under way and drafting is currently slated to begin in ten days. That means that starting on August 17, you, our lucky readers, can expect over four and a half months of at least weekly commentary on my fantasy football teams. I know, I can’t wait either.

In other news, my wife and I are buying a car. A new one. Like, with zero miles on it. Today. Kind of fun. As if we didn’t have enough debt already, right?

Finally, my younger brother wants to know, why is this guy looking at the camera?

Also, it's that time of year again when we have to be writing cover letters and submitting resumes and begging for jobs for next summer. So if any of you want to just go ahead and put in a word for me, that'd be great. Thanks.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

I demand justice, not settlement

I really can't believe some D.A. would decide to settle this case. It's a total mockery of justice. I know it's a cliche, but if you do the crime, be prepared to do the time.

However, an inside source told me that the D.A.'s hand was pretty much played out for her. I guess the prosecution's star witness, the boy who was hit by the rock, had a nasty sexual harassment charge pending against him. Word on the street is the harassment rap was for kissing Molly Thomas underneath the monkey bars when the bottle wasn't pointing at her.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Summer lessons

I've spent the summer working for the City Law Department here in Cincinnati. They say that your first summer job goes a long way in helping you shape your legal career, so I just thought I'd share what I've learned so far -- namely, that working for the government is awesome. Here's why.

1) Sensible hours. The work day rarely starts before 9, and rarely extends past 5 o'clock. Unless you're going to court there's no need to be in and out with the sun. In all but the most extreme cases your only client -- the City -- can wait until tomorrow.

2) No billable hours requirement. When you only have one client, there's no need to stress over whether you're spending too much time (and therefore incurring too many fees) on one case.

3) Friendly people. Although I've been assured that I just missed more than one "grumpy old lawyer" in the office, the people there right now have been fantastic. Not at all what I expected, but I guess it makes sense -- see #s 1 and 2.

4) Great assignments. When you work for the city you'll see things that you'd never otherwise encounter. Where else can you write a motion for a tort case, attend oral arguments at the Sixth Circuit Court of Appeals, put coke dealers in jail, research ancient Ohio case law, and draft municipal legislation, all in the same week?

5) You get to work in a building that looks like a castle. OK, obviously this one doesn't apply to everyone who works for the government, but Cincinnati's City Hall is pretty sweet.

6) Good contacts. Not only do you get to work with accomplished attorneys, but you get to meet local judges and attorneys or clerks from other firms. If you play your cards right you could get a reference not only from someone in your office, but someone in another office as well. That can be even more valuable.

7) Finally, you have a great bargaining position. When you represent the City, you always have a compelling public policy argument to make. Now, that's not to say that the City is never wrong, or that the City can get away with anything -- it just means that every case has an added dimension that most private cases don't. That means it's a great experience for anyone who's even thinking about going into politics or even some sort of administrative work. Even though one of the chief criticisms of today's law school environment is that too much time is spent discussing policy (to the exclusion of the law), there's no substitute for actually making decisions and researching issues that directly impact hundreds of thousands of lives.

Certainly there are advantages to working for firms. You'll almost certainly earn more money, and you'll have lots of different clients, which can be interesting. But if you get the chance, I definitely recommend spending a summer with a city solicitor or similar agency. You'll love it.