Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Yay! I'm a right-wing conservative!

I'm so glad that I decided to be an ultra-right conservative, it's like, so freakin awesome!

My political views are like they are because my Dad told me this was 'the only way that makes sense.' That is why I go to pro-life rallies whenever I can. I totally think killing a little baby is so wrong. The sanctity of life is the fundamental building block of any society, we must protect it at all costs**. Unless, of course, we are talking about criminals, then we should send electricity coursing through criminals' veins until they shit themselves. That's sanctity of life, bitch.

Don't get me started on gay marriage, that's just so wrong. First, I don't even want to talk about gay males, disgusting! I don't really get lesbians either. I mean, one time my Dad pounded his two closed fists together when I asked him about lesbians. I don't really know what this means.

When it comes to economic policy, I think President Bush should really make sure that my Daddy keeps his job. He can do this by awarding his company, which donates heftily to the Republican Party, more government contracts. My Daddy says, "Buying contracts is just as easy as buying 2-bit Asian whores." I think that is economic policy, right? I would hate it if my Daddy lost his job, then we'd probably have to get rid of the room full of $20 bills that I get to swim in and my pony named James Baker. So I will always vote Republican, even if I know nothing about issues, candidates, or policy!

Oh, PS - I will generally make fun of minorities, but my best friend is black! And I know a lot of gay people, and they are real fun and good at acting and color-coordinating clothes.

** at all costs means "unless anyone really close to me gets pregnant, then we will drive directly to the abortion clinic, not passing go, not collecting $200."

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

sarcasm? or sarcasm wrapped in truth?

the Rising Jurist said...

How funny! I am happy to be a lefty-liberal!

Anonymous said...

Somewhere, in response to this post, Bert Lockwood is weeping.

Justine said...

Maybe this would interest you...

http://sharpeningiron.blogspot.com/