Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Just so you know, I'm eligible

As a preliminary matter, I'd like to extend my heartfelt congratulations to Mr. Nye for making law review. Someday, maybe, he'll hire me instead of BV or BW (you guys know who you are).

Second, I'd like to give props to the proprietor at the Chinese buffet for holding an intelligent conversation about John Roberts today, albeit a brief one and in broken English. More proof that Asian-Americans are better at things other than math and tricking out Honda Civics. He was worldly, and made one mean Kung Pao Chicken. (On that note, Congrats to Sigs and Nockers on getting married. I'm assuming nothing goes wrong in the next 48 hours.)

Third, I will pander to you and write a blog.

Previously, we've written an open letter to Mr. David Stern letting him know that I was forgoing my final two years of law school eligibility to declare for the NBA draft. Luckily, an interesting loophole allowed me to keep my IM eligibility, as Nye is not just my agent, but also my adopted Father. Therefore, all the cash and bling that he so generously provided me with were simply tokens of love from a dad to his kid. The Donkey Punchers immediately filed a protest, but Rec Sports realized that its hands were tied (and that I have a lot of time to write tersely worded emails if they didn't do what I asked).

It was looking like the Clifton Public Defenders were going to dominate everything from basketball to inner-tube water polo. However, I have another major announcement to make. I am declaring my intent to apply for the next vacancy on the Supreme Court. I know, I know, you don't apply, you're appointed, but I just want to let Bushy know that I'm here for him.

If high schoolers can go directly to the top of the basketball profession, why can't I go directly to the top of the legal profession? I have no previous judicial decisions for either side of the political spectrum to take issue with. I haven't represented any politically hot clients or organizations. Hell, I haven't even participated in moot court let alone "real" court.

The Supreme Court could use an extreme makeover. I would drastically lower the average age of the court. It seems more and more likely that "clerking for the Supreme Court" actually means "fixes Metamusil and Quaker Oats." I promise to shift the definition back to "inviting that girl to dinner" and "fixing a vodka martini" and maybe even a little "writing decisions about the most pertinent issues of the day." I know the all important 18-44 year old male demographic, I will bring them home to you, Mr. Bush.

My friends all say I should go into politics, they will provide recommendations as needed. Also, you don't even need to pay me. I've already signed a lucrative endorsement contract with Lexis-Nexis. I promise writing "This opinion brought to you by the good people at Lexis-Nexis" will not tarnish the integrity of the court. However, the fact that I am a single man that enjoys going out may. I promise to cut back my time on the bar scene if appointed, especially if you throw in one of the twins with my appointment (I'd prefer Barbara).

My lack of experience is a negative? Not so, my friend. My lack of experience merely means that I'm like a lump of clay waiting to be molded by whatever administration chooses me for the Supreme Court.
Dear White House,
I am your pawn.
Love and Kisses,

I'll keep everyone updated as to how my accelerated career path pans out. Right now, better get on finishing up resumes and cover letters for next summer.


johnnytsmum said...

i can picture it now, what an awesome rec team the court would have. cj rehnquist manning the point and controlling the tempo, scalia at the 2 spot talking trash and having fun making grown men cry, tre runnin and gunnin at the three (probably a lot more gunnin than runnin), thomas standing tall at the four spot and looking to enforce pain on those who mess w/the cj and scalia and then kennedy taking up a lot of room in the middle unsure of what to do. the other four were replaced on the bench by a coke machine, something to do w/more tax revenue for the city.

Birdman said...

I don't know who's telling you to go into politics, but it isn't all drinking and promiscuous sex. Those skeletons would come out sooner rather than later. Think about it.