Thursday, June 30, 2005

Wedding Dos and Don'ts

Do: Have an outdoor wedding. The sunlight filtering through the leaves and the gentle breeze was heavenly.
Don't: Have an outdoor wedding when it's 97 degrees outside. As nice as the breeze was, we would have all preferred not to need it in the first place -- no one likes to sweat through his jacket or stick to her dress.

Do: Invite your granparents.
Don't: Let them drive themselves to the ceremony. We were supposed to kick off at five o'clock sharp, but managed to not get under way until 5:30 because my grandfather got lost on the way over from his hotel. He called my dad at 5:00 because he was in BOWLING GREEN. For those of you not familiar with Toledo-area geography, Bowling Green is 14 miles down the highway from Maumee. What's worse is that my dad took my grandfather to the ceremony site at 2:30 that very same day. Honestly, it's less than three miles from the hotel to the park -- you take two rights, two lefts, and it's on your right. But instead, he got on the highway. As soon as he got on that ramp, he had to have known he was going the wrong way, right? Instead of turning around, though, he went ANOTHER FOURTEEN MILES. Holy fuck.

Do: Have a family photo after the ceremony. Be sure to include the whole family on each side -- every aunt, uncle, and cousin.
Don't: Wait for that one uncle to return after he inexplicably decides to ignore the warnings about sticking around for a family photo and leaves. Rememebr, it's 97 degrees and we've already been standing out there for an extra half hour because Gramps got lost. You leave, you're relegated to being Photoshopped in.

Do: Seat your friends near the bar at the reception.
Don't: Let the bar serve beer in pitchers. Before you know it, all your friends will be on the dance floor drinking from pitchers and the waiters will have nothing with which to serve the rest of the guests.

Do: Have a cake topped with fresh berries instead of flowers made of frosting.
Don't: Mash a piece of that cake into your bride's face, letting the berries fall and stain her big white dress.*

Do: Let your friends decorate your car with shoe polish. You know -- crap like "HONK FOR JEFF AND ABBY" and "JUST MARRIED" and big hearts and flames by the wheels and everything. (Of course, I use the term "let" very loosely, since I was nowhere near when they did this to me.)
Don't: Let your idiot friends get non-washable shoe polish to do it. Because let's face it, your friends ARE idiots, and they'll get something that doesn't wash off, so you'll have to spend the entire first night home from the honeymoon and skip work the next day to scrub the entire car with a soft cloth and isopropyl alcohol and/or gasoline to get the damn shit off. Assholes.

Do: Invite your fattest friend to the wedding. Make sure he loves to dance, so his shirt is soaked through with sweat. Completely through.
Don't: Let your fat friend attempt to run across the dance floor and do front handsprings. The fact of the matter is, your friend is way fatter than he was in high school when he was strong and marginally athletic -- there's no way in hell he'll land that front handspring. And definitely don't let him try a second time, lest he almost kick your 10 year-old cousin in the face.

Do: A bouquet toss and garter belt thing.
Don't: Take her garter off with your teeth while he grandparents are still there. For some reason, they don't really see the humor in it.

And finally...
Do: Book a suite for the wedding night at a great hotel.
Don't: Tell your friends what hotel it's in. That could be disastrous.

* This is the only one that didn't actually happen. Sorry.


Nye! said...

UPDATE: Getting the shoe polish out with the rubbing alcohol was really slow going -- it took me over 3 hours in the morning to do half the roof -- so I went out and purchased a bevy of other products to try, including rubbing compound, Graffiti Remover, WD-40, and Gasoline. Should this ever happen to you, I recommend the WD-40. It takes most of the stuff off with a few wipes. Be careful when you're trying to get the heavier stuff off, or you'll rub it right into the finish on the car. Only took me about two hours to do about half the car, so I'll be able to finish tomorrow. But I'll still need to have it re-buffed/waxed, because it looks shitty.

Cosmopolitan said...

Good to have you back in the blogging world! I enjoyed this post and was relieved at the end to find out you had not shoved cake topped with berries in your new wife's face! Looking forward to reading your fun posts about married life.

EK said...

I have to say I'm disappointed that we were left out of the whole "getting lost" equation

Nye! said...

Oh, good point. I forgot to mention that I had a few friends staying at the same hotel as my grandfather, and they managed to get lost too, despite my having showed one of them how to get there even closer to go-time. I don't know where they ended up going, but it appears that they made it as far as the road the park was on, and then took a right instead of a left. This wouldn't have been a big deal, except that the wedding was on top of a hill, and one of the guys who got lost (actually the guy who led the charge into getting lost) was supposed to be driving the people who couldn't make the walk from the bottom of the hill to the top. So you had a lot of ornery old folks waiting at the bottom of the hill for my friends to arrive. In other words

Do: Have someone to drive the older guests from the bottom of the hill to the top of the hill.
Don't: Let the driver get lost on the way over, even though you gave him a set of written directions and walked him through the drive less than a two hours before, so really, there was nothing you could do about it anyway.

Dirty Martini said...

I literally stopped breathing for a few seconds and considered asking you when your annulment was going to be finalized (in the comment section) after I read the berries on the dress thing - whew, glad you were joking!!!

Lia said...

Congratulations and great post! Whatever can go wrong, will.

I know someone who hid the bride's dress just so they could get the serious "things must go wrong today" over with early.