Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Open Letter to David Stern

April 27, 2005

David Stern
National Basketball Association
Olympic Tower
645 Fifth Ave.
New York, NY 10022

Dear Mr. Stern:

It is my pleasure to announce that my client, blogmate, and son, Tre, will forego his final two years of intramural eligibility at the University of Cincinnati College of Law to enter the 2005 NBA Draft.

Tre was a five-sport athlete at the collegiate intramural level, leading his teams to countless victories in flag football, softball, volleyball, and dodgeball. As a one-year starter for Kobe’s Counsel in the Men’s Independent A division at UC, he averaged 12.6 points, 4.2 rebounds, 3.2 assists, and 0.2 sprained ankles per game.

Tre is also an outstanding citizen and member of the greater Cincinnati community, and will not expose the National Basketball Association to the type of image problems it has endured in the past. He has no known illegitimate children, and shows his support for the local community by constantly patronizing local business establishments such as Mulligan’s, Uncle Woody’s, and the Hofbrauhaus. Additionally, John has promised to shed his extra pounds to avoid the stigma of being overweight like Shawn Kemp and Sean May.

Speaking of whom, Tre’s biological father knows a guy who knows Sean May and Rashad McCants.

Please feel free to contact me (your staff has my contact information on record) regarding Tre’s availability for pre-draft workouts and commercials. Because of Tre’s squeaky-clean image, we think he would be great for some draft-day promos. In fact, we are hoping to reunite Tre with Robert Goulet in a series of musical pieces reminiscent of the “NBA on TNT” campaign of the mid-90s. Tre and Robert previously performed together in the 2002 Broadway production of South Pacific, with Tre as Joe and Robert as Emile.

Because Tre is unemployed and no longer actively seeking legal work, he is available to attend the NBA Draft in New York City on June 28. However, because Tre is unemployed and no longer actively seeking legal work, we will need a small loan from the Association’s slush fund to finance the trip. Please make the check payable to “cash.”

We are eagerly awaiting your response and check. Thank you for your time.




David Stern said...

While the accomplishments of you "son" John are exempilary, he does not quite fit the image of what we hear at the NBA front office are looking for.

We prefer the bad boy image, although we do not claim any responsibility for what Ron Artest does. There is a line in the sand and no matter where Mr. Artest stands, he is over it. While we have characters such as the likes of Mr. Javier Rodregiz, his actions recreated havoc for his personel life. As long as he shows up on game day, and keeps selling tickets I keep my job.

So who cares if a fan gets punched? (unless Artest is punching) Or if players like to get high ? (A.I. anyone?) Just as long as they keep scoring points and keep the fans coming out, I have no need for anyone with a squeaky clean image.

So the request for your "son" John to enter they NBA is regrettably denied. If you have any further questions please feel free to contact me at 1-NBA-ROCKS-ON

Nye! said...

Somehow I thought David Stern would be a better speller.

David Stern said...

Spelling isnt my problem. I dictate the letters.

Nye! said...

Then you'd better fire that typist.

Oh yeah, and you're a racist.

David Stern said...

Its all part of our bad boy image. I never said that spelling was required did i?