Tuesday, April 12, 2005

How to be a Player, or not

Tired of going to the bar and getting hit on CONSTANTLY by women?? I feel your pain. It's really hard to kick back and have a good time when women are constantly harassing you for your phone number and/or sexual favors. Fear not, I'm once again here to save you from your plight. It's really easy for us male law school students. All we have to say is "I'm in law school," and 90% of non-law school women automatically become at least somewhat interested in you. It's awesome. However, for those law school gentlemen who want a little more of a challenge, I suggest you try one of the following when trying to pick someone up:

"What do you say we go back to my place and kick back, I have some leftover tuna salad in the fridge."

"If there is one thing that really turns me on, it's women's high school basketball."

"No really, once I get through this first cycle of Valtrex, the herpes is practically cured!"

"You look just like my lesbian Aunt Connie, well, before she had the nosejob."

"After you shave my back, we could knit a sweater out of the hair."

"Want to know how I got the nickname 'Really small, prematurely ejaculating penis,' I'll show you."

"You'd totally be a 10 if both your breasts were the same size."

"Did you know that a pear isn't the biggest fruit you can fit in your rectum?"

"I've been so sexually frustrated since my sister left town."

"I feel like I've seen you before, have you done any animal porn?"

"You know what one word best describes you?" "No silly, not beautiful, slutty."

If you can use one of these, or something along these lines, and STILL get the girl, you are definitely my idol.

I'm gonna test a few this weekend, I'll let you know how they go.

On an unrelated note....

Dear People of Granville/Students of Denison,

I'm sorry if I offended you with a prior post. I really didn't think you had access to the internet, or for that matter, that you could read. Progress, it's a bitch.

Love,
Tre

11 comments:

Cosmopolitan said...

You caved! You must really want to see that bartender again. I don't have to apologize to Granville/Denison as well...do I?

Tre! said...

No, no, it was a half-hearted apology at best. I really don't care what Granvillians think. However, I have a buddy in law school that lives there. He said I'm never welcome there again, but he has a hot sister......(and there is the bartender).

Dildo said...

You forgot, "Hi, my name is Ron Mexico."

Dirty Martini said...

I like that you qualified "90% of women" with "non-law school" ....soooo true!! We run as fast and far away from law school guys as ya'll run from law school girls. Haha (-:

Mala said...

The law school line doesn't work so well in DC since 99% of the guys are either in law school or graduated from law school or planning to take the LSATs and praying to get into law school.

Now if you said you were in med school......

Nye! said...

"Now if you said you were in med school...... "

Funny, that's how I met John's mother. She picked me up with that line.

Anonymous said...

any douchesack can get into law school, no ones impressed.

Tre! said...

Dear anonymous,

You have to be able to find the apostrophe key on the keyboard to get into law school. I guess that eliminates you from consideration.

Also, people are impressed when you go to certain law schools. I'm guessing you go to law school with a bunch of Granvillians.

Eddie D. said...

I agree that some people are impressed with certain law schools, but under no circumstance is one of those law schools UC.

Anonymous said...

I dated a lawyer once, and I'd bet he's representative. Nice guy, but it couldn't last. The thing about lawyers - and presumably wanna-be lawyers like yourselves - is they're so competitive. You have to be, right? A survival skill, and great in the profession.

However, in the bedroom?

So, no more lawyers for me. Live and learn.

Tre! said...

Eddie D., one of Denison's fine products of higher education. I think my JD from UC will garner a little more respect than your BA from Denison.

People outside of Ohio have heard of some Ohio undergraduate institutions, but under no circumstances is one of those Denison.

In choosing Denison for undergrad, you forfeited any right to critique my academic institution. Enjoy your pedestrian life.