Thursday, March 24, 2005

You complete me

Most people go somewhere tropical for their Spring Break. I "chose" to come back to Cleveland, OH for my break. I was thinking about Florida, but in the end, the draw of steel mills, icy weather, and Robin Svoboda on the news couldn't drag me away from C-town (also, I have no job for the summer, so I'm sending out resumes/emails all week).

However, this process isn't very time consuming, so I've had plenty of time to catch up on Maury Povich, Law and Order, MTV's Made, Cribs, and Real Life "I'm on a TV Show that demonstrates exactly how pathetic I am." Last night I actually even watched women's basketball . . . . ok, I'm kidding, it isn't THAT bad. Two nights ago I took a break from my rigorous TV-viewing schedule to head out to the local meeting of the minds at Dreamers.

Dreamers is a place where the classiest members of Cleveland/Akron society go to mingle, share in intellectual conversation, and see and be seen. OK, actually, Dreamers is a really, really cheap strip club. I'm talking no cover, pay the dancers what you think they deserved for a lap dance, only lighting is black lights cheap. There aren't many places left where you can get a classy lady to grind her crotch against yours for 5 bucks. Nowadays, even a movie and drive-thru to Taco Bell will set you back $15-20 (also, if this is your idea of a date, it most likely won't end in any crotch grinding).

This is the best part about Dreamers, there is no delay in the gratification. The turnaround from introducing yourself and getting to second base (her rubbing her breasts against your face) and then dry humping is only dependent on how quickly you can get a crisp Lincoln out of your pocket and tucked into her garter belt (in the end, maximum of 45 seconds). On the other hand, if you date a girl the "traditional" way, you could wait up to two weeks, and spend a lot more money, to get the same result.

The women at Dreamers don't care how good looking you are, what kind of job you have, or even if you've bathed in the last week. All they care about is that you have cold hard cash to reward them for their efforts. If you think about it rationally, it really is just like condensed dating. You meet a girl (stripper), small talk for awhile (dates), agree to a lap dance (beg and plead for sex), and decide on how much the lap dance was worth (the cost of the gift goes up depending on how generous in bed the girl is, anal almost assuredly allows diamonds).

I'd go into more detail, but the NCAA's just came back on. However, I would like to point out that the bartender, after lifting up her shirt to show me her enormous fake breasts, informed me that there was free pizza at the end of the bar. I thought of no surer way to get Hepatitis C, so I passed. However, most of the employees of Dreamers grabbed a slice. Believe me, there is nothing more unintentionally funny than watching half-naked women walking around chowing down on pizza.

I'm getting really drunk over the next few nights, so hopefully I'll do something stupid enough to write about here.

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