Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Taking feminism a step further

There is a sad epidemic sweeping law school campuses across the nation, feminists are running out of things to be angry about. Why you ask? Men have caved, albeit for good reason. Men realized if we pretend we're watching "Sex and the City" for an insight into the feminine psyche, instead of waiting to see tit or maybe an ass shot, we get a lot more of that sweet, sweet poontang. However, feminists are angry that we've caved. While most people who fight for a cause would be happy with this result (as it should signify that all the fighting has finally resulted in a positive change), feminists see it as one more thing to blame on mysoginistic pop culture. Society has not evolved to include woman as an equal to man, it's just taken away the things that they could bitch about. Now they can't sit around drinking mocha latte's, listening to the new Enya CD, wearing potato sacks, and discuss why men should all rot in hell. Fear not my carpet-munching constituents, I am here to rescue you from the quandry of having nothing to fight for anymore. Here are a few new societal norms for you to kick around at the next Lilith Fair.

1) Anytime a woman refers to NOW or women's rights, she must remove an article of clothing.

2) When purchasing a cucumber, women must specify if it will be consumed orally or vaginally.

3) In the job application process "sexy as hell" or "great in the sack" can be considered pluses for hiring a woman. Whereas "fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down" and "prefers comany of other women" can be seen as negatives (Note: if "prefers company of other women" is combined with "great in the sack", it's like reversing polarity).

4) If a man takes you out to a nice dinner, buys you flowers, and takes you to a nice show, a perfectly acceptable end to the night is nice conversation and a handshake. However, this conversation and handshake will follow mandatory, rough, anal sex.

5) New measuring stick for success in life? Largest number of men you've slept with in a 48 hour period.

6) Paternity tests? Outlawed. New method? A combination of the Ouija Board of Justice and Magic 8-ball of Truth. The only reliable method.

I'd think of more, but I'm busy writing my memo for Advocacy, which pretty much saps any sort of mental capacity that I have. If you are a feminist, and need another chauvanistic ideal to complain about, feel free to contact me directly.

Stay righteous.

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