Thursday, March 17, 2005

He Said, She Said

First let me get something off my chest. Legal writing classes blow, hard.

Moving on.

I'm sitting here reading depositions for my brief, and the way people skew things reminds me of the good old days in undergrad when we had our own "fact finding" missions. Yes, I'm talking about trying to figure out what REALLY happened when one of your buddies is telling you about his "mind-blowing" hook up from the night before. Alcohol and ego always skewed the facts, but in the end, when you balanced what you know she was saying with what your buddy was saying, it was always easy to discern what actually went down. In case you have no idea what I'm talking about, here's a sample of the differences in stories that a guy tells his friends and a gal tells her friends.

He said: Dude, so I'm at this bar, throwin out the vibe, all the ladies are lovin it, I'm working the room, talking to all the hot ladies, and then this girl gets all up in my stuff.

She said: So I'm walking back from the bar to the dance floor, and this totally drunk guy thats SOAKED in sweat runs into me and spills my drink all over me. I was so pissed.

He said: Once I see this honey, I use some small talk to ease up the mood. And she's definitely digging me. So I'm like, hey, let me buy you a drink

She said: He uses the "why don't we get out of these wet clothes" line on me and I have to swallow the little bit of vomit that sneaks up in my mouth. I'm so pissed, I was just like "listen ass, follow me up to the bar and buy me a new drink, I just bought this one."

He said: So we get up to the bar, and I ask her about her interests and stuff like that, you know, I'm just playing it cool, you know how I am. Anyway I can tell she's really digging me now, so I'm like, lets do a shot, and she is all for it.

She said: We get to the bar and the first thing he asks me is if I like going down on guys. Once again, I find myself swallowing puke. He says he'll buy me a shot, and at this point, I'll do anything to get the taste of vomit out of my mouth.

He said: So we do the shot and then I ask her to dance. I take her out on the dance floor and show her all my moves, she's not a bad dancer, but I mean, she couldnt really hang with me so she had to go take a breather.

She said: He kept rubbing his boner into my ass, so I had to go sit down. I did another shot in hopes that this was just a bad dream.

He said: So after a little while I go over and sit down with my new lady friend. I tell her a couple jokes and she's just looking me right in my eyes the whole time. She's totally into it, she was giggling like a little school girl the whole time

She said: So he sits down next to me and I can't stop laughing because he's drinking a Pina Colada.

He said: At this point I know I'm in, so I'm like, hey baby, want to go back to my place?

She said: I know he lives next to me, so I figured I could get a free walk home

He said: We get back to my place, and I make my move, she's all about it, she gets all frisky and I can tell she's ready to go. So I invite her into my place and we go up to my room.

She said: We get back to his house and he tries to clean out the back of my neck with his tongue, I try to squirm away but I can't get his tongue out of my mouth. Once I finally do, he invites me in. I accept, I just need some Listerine to clean out his smell of whiskey and cigarrettes from my mouth

He said: We get to my room and just get down to business. I can tell she is so into it. You know I know how to treat a lady right. I jump in the shower real quick because its so hot, i just needed a breather, you know. It's just wild crazy hooking up. We go at it for like an hour. It's just crazy, really, probably the best hook up I've ever had. She LOVED it.

She said: The shots catch up to me, I'm drunk, I haven't gotten any in awhile, so I figure what the hell. What a mistake. I make him shower first. It takes him like 58 minutes to get it up, then 2 minutes later, he's done. I was SO glad that it was over.

He said: That's right boys, just another lady you can chalk up on my bedpost.

She said: Afterwords he told me he had just lost his virginity. Then he cried. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he never actually got it in.

So in your drunken stupor on St. Patty's, remember there are two sides to every story.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

awww, sounds like a sad personal experience.
better luck next time.