Monday, March 07, 2005

Everything I need to know in life, I learned at the Vagina Monologues

I have to admit, I was a skeptic. I thought the Vagina Monologues would be devoid of content and pretty much a waste of two hours of my life. However, the Vagina Monologues pleasantly surprised me with how much they taught me about life. Here is a sketch by sketch recap of the night. (For those of you that don't know, the Vagina Monologues were based on a series of real interviews with women about their vaginas)

Introduction -- Still drunk from pre-party, not really sure what they said.

Hair -- In this sketch a woman said she was sick of shaving her pubes for men, and she wasn't gonna do it anymore. Consequently, no man ever slept with her again and she now goes by the name Sister Bushy.

Wear and say -- Here, we were told what Vaginas would wear and say. One woman's vagina said, "Whatever you do, don't put me in a fairly boring play about what women's vaginas might say if they could speak."

The Flood -- This sketch was actually funny because it was a grandma talking about her vagina. Everyone knows that women lose their vaginas after they turn 40.

The Vagina Workshop -- I learned here that some women can't see their vagina without a hand mirror. If you are that inflexible, I don't want to see your vagina either.

Crooked Braid -- Here I learned that fraternity pranks were actually invented by angry Native American women, as when her husband passed out, the women in this story cut off his braid and put it in his hand.

My Angry Vagina -- Her vagina is angry about the fact that men complain about the smell of vagina, my penis expects her to swallow and not complain.

Intermission -- This is the time to leave the Vagina Monologues if you accidentally end up at them.

The Little Coochie Snorcher that Could -- First, I learned a new name for vaginer. Second, I learned it's O.K., even sensual, for a 24 year old woman to seduce a 16 year old girl. This led me to wonder about the ramifications of a 23-year old man seducing a high school senior. I think it's acceptable, based on this logic. Anyone need a prom date? I can buy your beer.

Under the Burqa -- They turned off all the lights for this one. I used the time to "relieve myself" after all that hot lesbian talk in the last sketch.

Smell -- See "My Angry Vagina"

My Short Skirt -- Three females came out wearing short skirts and gave a sketch along the line of "My Anti-Drug". They said wearing their short skirts doesn't mean they were "asking" for men to have sex with them, among other things. However, they never said that wearing a short skirt isn't "asking" for a man to drop objects in front of them and ask them to bend over to pick them up. Duly noted ladies, I now know what you want when you wear those daisy dukes.

Reclaiming Cunt -- An angry lesbian yelled about the word "cunt". I was scared.

A 6-year old Girl was Asked -- OK, this might have told me the most about standards men and women must live up to. If women ask a 6-year old girl about their vagina, it's art. If I would ask a 6-year old boy about his penis, I would be knocking at your door soon to explain why I was registered as a sex offender in the State of Ohio.

The Woman who Loved to Make Vagina's Happy -- The only skit that actually made me laugh. The women fake orgasms!!! It's great, and it was so funny to me because I have never heard a fake orgasm before.......... I would appreciate it if my ex-girlfriends would refrain from commenting on this post.

I Was There in the Room -- And they end it by talking about childbirth, I would have ended it with the fake orgasms, but what can you do.

There it is, what i learned from the Vagina Monologues. Thank you very much Law Women. This event was required for a law school class. Those of you that attended, make sure to be at the screening of all five Rocky movies, followed by a trip to the strip club. This is necessary for you to understand the male psyche.

2 comments:

Dirty Martini said...

Too funny. I have a friend who acted (I use that term loosely) in a student production of the V.M.s...so unfortunately I had to see the show TWICE. Totally disturbing. (-:

Alda said...

LOL! That is *the* most hilarious take I've ever read on the VMs - nay, on a play, period! Go see more plays and tell us about them, 'kay? Please?