Sunday, March 27, 2005

Dear Kentucky, Please take Granville back, Love, Ohio

There is a little town that sits geographically just east of Columbus called Granville, home of Denison University. However, Lewis and Clark must have screwed up somehow when they mapped Granville in Ohio. It's obvious that this place is the bastard child of Kentucky. While the residents of Granville haven't turned to sleeping with relatives quite yet, they are fervent fans of NASCAR, so they can't be too far away from boinking their cousins.

As I drove down highway 13, inching closer and closer to the paradise lost that is Granville, all I could think about was how much the people here must love to drink. Really, the closest "attraction" is the BP in Mt. Vernon (15 minutes away) that has a Duchess Shop. If you got really drunk, maybe you'd forget that you lived in a town ripe to be featured on the next "Simple Life". Also, due to the large number of carcasses roadside, another big hobby of Granvillians must be running over small animals with a car. It's no surprise that the people of Granville mix their two hobbies often. While I couldn't confirm the latter hobby, I got first hand knowledge of the former, drinking.

Friday night in Granville is like whoa. Think of the craziest party you've ever been to, then double it, no triple it, then add a little bit of a country accent. When you are done doing that, subtract all the people save for 20 or so, then subtract all intelligence, decent alcohol, and civility, then add basically all you can drink PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon, for the uninitiated), and you have Granville.

The night started off right with a few wins on the pool table. However, when we finally lost, I pointed out that the guy had missed the 8-ball completely with his first shot, which technically meant he had lost the game. After he told me to "get the rule book of pool", my buddy informed him that he was a douchebag, and I concurred. His retort was simple, yet elegant: "Yeah, you too." At this point I knew I was dealing with a mental giant and decided trading verbal jabs with such an intellectual must be avoided at all costs. I was starting to realize that Granville isn't the cultural and scholastic mecca that Denison would like you to believe it is.

I really can't knock Granville too much though, I enjoyed hitting on the bartender all night. Why the bartender you ask? Simple, she had all her teeth, bathed regularly, and didn't look like a man, which automatically elevated her into the top 5 best looking women in Granville. She wasn't used to the big city wit and charm, so I laid it on thick. I used home runs like "So, come here often?", "Wow, you have amazing breasts, can I touch them", and "Heeeeey la-DEEEE, I neeeeed another Fweee Beee ARRRR." You're laughing at me now, but soon you'll be laughing with me. My tab for the whole night was $2.50, and I got her number at the end of the night. True, she gave it to me because she thought I was "funny" and "crazy enough that I could be entertaining for a night", but at least it wasn't because I "looked like a sex offender, and she wanted the cops to be able to locate me later."

Another acquaintance I made on my jaunt to Granville was somewhat of a town drunk, let's call him Lester. Lester was one of those guys that was really rude and crass, but funny. However, he forgot the funny part. Lester was scary. He kept talking about how he loved "eating pussy". At first, I thought this was typical frat boy humor. Being that Lester was visibly dirty, and older, I started to realize he probably wasn't keeping company with too many females. I'm pretty sure Lester was speaking of barbecuing house cats, not using a colloquialism for pleasuring female genitalia. FUNNY: Making jokes with your friends from Kentucky how the best eats are from the side of the road. NOT FUNNY: Sitting next to a man in a bar and realizing he may have actually consumed roadkill, or your dog that "went away to the farm".

Basically, Granville is a place to go if you start feeling bad about yourself. In fact, their town slogan is "Move to Granville, Realize How Many People Have a Shittier Life Than You!!!" However, with enough PBR, and a hot bartender, you can make a night of it.

Editor's note: By "make a night of it" the author means calling the aforementioned bartender at 4 AM when he was extremely intoxicated, trying to convince/beg her to "hang out" with him (he meant naked), then rehashing some bad luck with girls (going for pity), then crying, then deleting her phone number from his phone per her request. All in a night's work for our tragic hero.

Author's note: The editor is a freaking liar. That bartender wants me, and she knows it. She had to work the next morning, that's why she couldn't hang out. And I wasn't crying, I have bad allergies. Peace out, bitches.

12 comments:

Apple Martini said...

Hey, how did you know that club I went to was in Granville? By the way, don't knock the cousins - why go to the mall when you can go down the hall...

Cosmopolitan said...

Let me guess - you were at Brews??

Dirty Martini said...

I concur about Denison U. The last mental giant (D.U. graduate) I was unlucky enough to know could barely add or subtract....(yes, that's you John S)....much less make important decisions with any level of rational thought. Small town USA is a scary, scary place....

Cosmopolitan said...

I second your (or should I say my) John S. DM and raise you one Brad S.....whew - and to think I was going to become part of a family of Denison grads....

Dirty Martini said...

Definitely dodged a bullet there....I was praying for your future children there for a while..."please get mommy's brain, please get mommy's brain"....tee-hee. You tried to set me up with Brad!!! Guess I dodged a bullet too. (-;

Cosmopolitan said...

Hey DM - give me a little credit - I needed someone intelligent and classy to hang out with at family gatherings!

Tre! said...

Actually, we frequented both the luxurious Brews AND the Granvilla Tavern. I know, I know, how did we fit both into one night!! Sometimes I amaze even myself.

Wow, you guys actually know Denison people? I thought it was Ohio's little secret.

However, this post has led to my friend disinviting me from his house in Granville forever, leaving the bartender saga open-ended. I thought I could get away with it, because really, how many Granvillians actually have internet access?

Cosmopolitan said...

Wow - I'm impressed! Throw in a lame college party and you've hit every shred of excitement Granville has to offer.

Yes, I know Granville....as well as several Denison graduates. In fact, I was once engaged to one, although I'm obviously not proud of it. Lets just say that I, too, am probably banned from Granville forever. It's incredibly devastating, but I'm doing my best to go on - let me know if you need a shoulder to cry on. :)

Bob Ross said...

So did you ever catch up with that cousin, er, hot bartender?

Time for the requisite hick joke...Did you make Ned Beatty squeal after all those drinks?

Tre! said...

No bartender, and no squealing. You were right though, after looking through a couple family albums, I think she's my 2nd cousin.

Eddie D. said...

As a Cleveland native and Denison graduate, I must object to this post.
Granville is a bedroom community about on par with Pepper Pike. The homes in Bryn Du Woods are other worldly, and the land values in even the "older" part of town are incredible.
Granville High School is one of those awesome public schools that even though everyone in the town could afford private school, they send their kids to the public school instead.
Most of what you described sounds like nearby Newark or Heath. Soccer is king in Granville-- not NASCAR. Also, Granville is on 661, not 13, and with Columbus only 30 minutes away (and Easton less than that) there are plenty of entertainment options within a short drive.

Anonymous said...

I agree--this post sounds like Newark and Heath rather than Granville. Granville is an environmentally and health conscious community. No NASCAR bumper stickers (again, that's Heath & Newark)... and yeah, Brews and the Villa are some of the shittiest bars you can go to on a Friday night, but Granville is not hick central. Most of its residents are professors or Columbus commuters.

As for students from Denison being dipshits, well... it's partially true. It has its own "private school kids rejected from better schools vibe," and said private school kids make asses of themselves on a regular basis.