Sunday, December 25, 2005

Exam Recovery

Exams were awesome. I heart them. Nothing like completely depriving yourself of sleep, getting hopped up on any sort of caffeinated product, then attempting to make any sort of sense in answering ridiculous hypotheticals.

Some highlights from exam season:

1) The question on one of my exams that was basically “what have you learned this semester?” Now, while it’s funny to joke about this question showing up on an exam, it absolutely sucks when you’re staring at it, and you have 25 minutes left to answer it. I was tempted to answer with something like “I’ve learned not to answer bullshit questions.” However, I’m a huge pussy, so I frantically attempted to answer it in full.

2) Our exam software posting our exam code as EXAM JUICE. I do not know what exam juice could be, save for possibly a mix of tears, drool, red bull, and B.O. Mmm, exam juice.

3) Proctors who struggle with a general command of the English language. We’ve heard the same instructions for every single exam, so having someone take 30 minutes to read them is the only real way to make us suffer through them like it was the first time. Furthermore, it was great how they doubled up proctors for the larger exams. There was the wily, veteran proctor paired with the gun-slinging rookie. However, when the exam started they both would retire to their respective romance novels, paying no mind to doing any actual “proctoring.”

4) Our professor who brought us donuts, coffee, and an “Easy Button.” It was hard to tell whether it was an exam or an early Christmas, er, I mean, holiday party. That is, until the exams were handed out, and I realized that I hadn’t learned that much over the course of the semester or from Gilbert’s for the week before the exam.

5) The 1Ls having a lunch party in the cafeteria when we were having an exam in the room right next door. Typical 1L, figuring the law school universe revolves around them. As one 3L so eloquently summed it up: “The problem with first semester 1Ls is that they think they know everything, when really, they know absolutely nothing.”

6) The fact that I unwrapped my textbooks about 15 minutes before an exam. This isn't a joke, and I was very disappointed that I would no longer be receiving the full refund price. Bookstores are such a rip.

There were many more highlights, and I might amend this post as I think of them, but it’s time for a nap.

I hope all us goys had a Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

What kind of shoes do bison wear? Buffaloafers, of course

I know I've mentioned before that I grew up on a donkey farm but it seems that people don't really understand the type of life I've lived for the greater part of my existence. So let's try to put it in perspective. This is what's currently making the news in my home town. No joke, this is literally right around the corner from my parents' house.

Done for a month

The third semester of law school is officially in the books.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to hang out with my Uncle Woody.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Legal theories

Law school finals means that we've spent the last 8 days or so espousing a myriad of legal theories on various topics, ranging from Delaware Corporation Law to criminal procedure to intellectual property and employment law. My favorite so far, though, is this guy's theory about what happened to Dave Chappelle. There's passion, mystery, intrigue -- everything that the Fourth Amendment lacks, in my opinion.

And in case you hadn't heard, Comedy Central will be airing the untaped sketches from "Chappelle's Show" next year, so be sure to stay on the lookout for that.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Career Path

I think I've finally decided on a career in criminal prosecution. Reasons why:

1. I'd get to "put away the bad guys."

2. I find criminal law and procedure to be of "intrinsic interest" and not "required by the college of law."




6. (Ranked lower due to leaving so early)



Seriously, how could I pick any other field?

OK, so maybe SNL is still a little funny

This clip was on last night. Unfortunately, I missed it because I was asleep, on a Saturday, at 11 PM. Really, law school exams make me pathetic. Snack attack, I'm ghost, like Swayze.

Sunday, Sunday, ok, not really

Big shout out to the NFL execs for the whole, don't let a team's home market see any other games but their own. Cincy's options for watching football today at 1 (the Bengals play at 4):

Jacksonville v. San Francisco

That's it. San Diego v. Indy is on CBS, but because the Bengals play on CBS at 4, we get paid programming instead. Let me remind you that we're about an hour and a half drive from Indy. Oh, and they haven't lost a game or something? You'd think the NFL would want to showcase a team trying to make history, even if the Bengals are playing at 4 PM. Playing the Detroit Lions, that is.

Who dey making this television schedule.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Poor scheduling

For the second consecutive year, the law school has decided to have some sort of maintenance work done in the libary during finals week.

Last year it was a guy carrying around a large aluminum step ladder, periodically cracking it open and closing it back up, then moving somewhere else and doing it again, for no real discernible purpose.

A few days ago there was a guy laying on the ground on the second floor (the third and fourth floors have balconies that overlook the second, so we could all see and hear him) running some sort of wires through a hole in a thick brick wall. He was periodically yelling to the guy on the other side of said wall, saying things like "ALMOST!" and "GOT IT!" and "JUST ABOUT HAD IT THERE, TRY IT AGAIN!" and "WHOOPS!" and "HANG ON!" and all sorts of other crap along those lines. Today they are doing work in the computer lab on the second floor, presumably completing the work from a few days ago. This time they're yelling things like "A LITTLE BIT FARTHER!" and "GONNA CUT BOTH ENDS OFF NOW!"


Friday, December 16, 2005

Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?

No idea if this is true. But if it is, wow. I mean the product is real, but I'm not sure about the article. This could be the most inappropriate item out there since Abercrombie & Fitch marketed thongs for six-year-olds.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

No seriously, NFL news this time

The Detroit Lions are shaping up to be one of the worst-run organizations in the NFL these days. In any given year there are a number of bad teams, but the Lions have been consistently poor as an organization for awhile now. Really only the Cardinals and Saints rival them, in my opinion.

So what do you do if you're a Lions fan? You come up with two great ideas to get your message across. The first is an "orange out." A group has asked the fans at this week's game to wear orange to make it look like Ford Field is filled with Bengals fans. My Michigander friend reports that the second initiative is the Millen Man March, a peaceful protest asking for the firing of team president Matt Millen. Since Millen took over after the 2000 season, the Lions are 27-50.

Pure brilliance.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

On take-home exams

From Frank M. Walsh:
"Law school exams are like gasses -- they expand to fill whatever space the professor gives for them."

So true, my friend. So true.

Must be finals time

For someone who doesn't like coffee, I sure am drinking an awful lot of it lately.

If any of you dear readers can give us any tips about the Fourth, Fifth, or Sixth Amendment to the US Constitution before, say, 9:00 am on Thursday, they would be greatly appreciated. Just drop them in the comments. If you don't, I'd say there's a better-than-even chance that we'll be asking again at this time next year.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

It's like watching a train wreck....

...but in a way more entertaining way. This is why the internet was invented.

Speaking of things that Mom did...

This story is almost as awesome as the last one, in a totally different way.

This Woman can NEVER Get Arrested

Talk about being awesome. I think her daughter's "My Mom did this" story will top all the other little kids.

Top-notch radio

I tuned in to a little bit of the Monday Night Football game on my way home from the library. The game was starting to get out of hand, so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised to hear this exchange between announcers Boomer Esiason and Marv Albert.

Boomer: "Bless you! [Name of producer] just sneezed right into my microphone. God bless you!"

Marv: "You feeling OK, [Name]?"

"Someone get me some disinfectant here. What is that stuff? I need some Purell, and I need it now."

"Did he actually sneeze on you?"

"Man, I'm a germophobe. But who isn't, Marv? Who isn't afraid of germs?"

(patronizingly): "Boomer, try to calm down."

"Geez, wow. Someone get me something, here. Marv, do you know what the dirtiest place in your hotel room is?"

(obviously thinking about his biting-a-hooker-in-a-hotel-room incident): "Oh, I don't want to know!"

"Is it your phone? Is it your bedspread? What is it, Marv?"

(getting annoyed and uncomfortable now): "Aw, Boomer --"

"It's the TV remote! The TV remote! You gotta watch out for that thing. Or maybe bring your own if --"

(exasperated): "Boomer, I don't --"

(gleefully): "I saw it on 60 Minutes!"

Monday, December 12, 2005

An olive branch

Here's a makeup to the real Bengals fans out there -- you know those Miller Lite commercials where everyone runs out for a refill at halftime? Well this Sunday during the Bengals-Lions contest, you can have former Bengals wideout Isaac Curtis go on a beer run for you. Bidding is currently at $102.50 on eBay.

You're welcome.

"Tookie" Williams, No shelter here

As reported by, Governor Schwarzenegger has decided not to grant clemency to the founder of the Crips, Stanley "Tookie" Williams. Schwarzenegger released a 5-page statement detailing why Mr. Williams "deserves to die." The governator's aides were sent scampering for filler when Schwarzenegger submitted his first draft, simply reading "Terminate him."

I'm wondering why there is such an outcry for the man who founded one of the most violent gangs in U.S. history. I'm not sure his argument that he was framed for the 4 murders held too much weight with the 9th Circuit. I can imagine "Tookie" at his initial arraignment. "Mr. Williams, you have been charged with 4 counts of murder in the first degree." (huge exhale from Tookie) "Really, only 4 counts? Alright, I'm cool." I can't imagine that the founder of the Crips was only responsible for 4 murders.

Maybe he is rehabilitated, but I think this execution sends a pretty forceful message through the channels of general deterrence: "don't start a gang, assholes."

Dear Trivial Pursuit Writers

Please make sure that you keep someone under the age of 30 on staff at all times. This will keep you from asking questions with embarassing answers. For example, contrary to popular belief, the answer to the question under "INV" on this card is not "Digital Subscriber Line":

Needless to say, the unintentional comedy provided by this card made up for the incorrect answer. Hopefully most of our target demographic knows the correct answer.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Your bimonthly NFL update

Went to the Browns-Bengals game here in Cincinnati today. While I will resist the urge to talk about how it took the Bengals until the last play to beat a 4-9 Browns team and how they won't go far in the playoffs with a team like that, I do want to share one story with you.

Whilst leaving the stadium after the game with my brother and two friends, I kept hearing a high-pitched voice next to me. I ignored it initially until I realized it was directed at me. I looked down to find a young girl walking next to me whom I would guess to be about eight years old -- maybe a little younger, as she was missing two of her front teeth. She had been repeatedly saying "Long way back to loserville, asshole!" An eight year-old!

After I recovered from my initial shock, I explained that the joke was on her because I live in Cincinnati (she honestly appeared to be devastated, it was pretty funny). Then I told her father that he was a bad parent and that he should be ashamed of himself. I'm not entirely sure, but I think the girl started crying at about that point.

But seriously. Eight year olds, dude.

Oh, also, in other NFL news, the Chiefs just got shafted on that penalty on fourth and goal, and would someone please tell the Fox network that the Eagles, Giants and Cowboys are not only not the only teams in the NFC, they're actually the NFC teams that people in this city care least about? Any other team next week. Please. I beg you.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Exam time

Exams are here, and that means you need something to do besides study. Fear not, Phocas and Francis has you covered with a series of posts designed "for your prosrastination pleasure." There are eight installments so far. Hopefully more to come.

Do your good deed for the day

Sponsor a vegetarian.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

CPD and OIP Enter Turf War over Competing Bake Sales

I never thought that I'd see a turf war in my own backyard. Being caught in the middle of gang violence, like syphilis, is one of those things that you always think only happens to other people.

Brownies of the Ohio Innocence Project (OIP) clique, or donuts from the Center for Professional Development (CPD)? That, my friends, is the question.

The OIP had set up shop in the main hallway since Monday, peddling their baked wares in exchange for donations to their philanthropic organization. Their grassroots campaign encountered a massive roadblock on Thursday, as the CPD has set up a donut shop right around the corner, offering free baked goodies.

"It's ridiculous, it's a clear-cut example of predatory pricing, how are we going to compete with that? I feel like Wal-Mart just opened up shop in the law school," said a OIPer, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of CPD retribution. Due to this slash in funding, the OIP may be forced to look to alternative forms of funding. Soon we could be speaking of the OIP, brought to you by Nivea for Men.

Sales at the OIP sale had reportedly dropped to a 2-year low by noon on Thursday, causing a slight investor panic. The director of the OIP reportedly cancelled class on Thursday in a symbolic protest over the turf invasion. While the director could not be reached for comment, rumor has it that an "if they want a war, they'll get a war" policy has been adopted. When told of this development, most students responded, "What's a CPD?"

The fallout from a possible OIP/CPD feud has the chance to be catastrophic, leading to a cold war-esque cloud of secrecy enveloping the law school. Friends aren't even sharing information with friends at this point of the year. Some might blame impending exams for this culture of silence, but any rational observer can tell it's really the fear of being caught in the crossfire of a possible OIP/CPD feud.

One neutral party suggested the two come to a compromise and form a new entity, the Center for Ohio Professional Innocence Development Project. He was immediately stoned to death by Law Women, as that new title was obviously furthering anachronistic, paternalistic ideals that we must strive to abolish.

The OIP isn't the group feeling the brunt of the CPD setting up shop. One anonymous 2L quipped, "I've already gained 4 pounds in the last hour, I mean, donuts, and cookies, and brownies, oh my!" (Ok, fine, this "anonymous" 2L is yours truly. I like cookies, what can I say. It's winter, I'm trying to keep warm.)

The OIP was obviously offering the bake sale to help compensate for the gas money, lunch tabs, and various other expenses encountered during their noble mission of helping the wrongfully accused. By contrast, one can only assume that the CPD offered their baked giveaway out of a sense of guilt for not getting any of us jobs.

I was unable to reach the Dean for comment, but I'd assume he'd think that this reporter is a complete moron. Seacrest, out.


Forecasters are calling for 2-4 inches of snow betwen 4pm and 12am. Traffic started snarling at 2:00 for the storm that had not yet arrived and current projections suggest that it will take me approximately four hours to drive the nine miles to my house. It normally takes less than 20 minutes.

I have to hand it to them though -- the city is well-prepared this time. To wit, they have been salting the roads since Sunday afternoon and have rendered my television virtually useless with warnings, watches, and maps. And now that the "snow" is actually "here," they will sit around and do nothing while everybody freaks out.

This city loses its fucking mind at the threat of snow. Every year they get one or two big storms, and every time they act like it's the first one they've ever seen. I know 14 year-olds who know how to drive in snow better than the good people of Cincinnati, and they're not even allowed to drive.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Google Schmoogle

The hot topic of conversation around the lunch table today was the Charlie Brown Christmas special that was on TV last night, so now I feel obligated to share this with any of you who haven't already seen it. I guess you can consider that the equivalent of wishing you a happy holiday season.

Also, if anyone has a clever name for a paper discussing the copyright issues in the Google Library Project, please let me know. Because if none of you come up with anything better, it will be titled "Copyright Schmopyright: Google Gives the Finger to The Authors' Guild."

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Exam Time Waster #1

These guys really like to eat:

The Brunch Bus

The site reminds me of some other site, I just can't remember what...... must be a site I'd never visit.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It's that time of the year again for law students. Exams are coming up, which obviously means more hours in the library, more hours reading, and playing a lot of catch-up for some of us. However, it's also time for the real big pricks in law school to shine, to be extra self-important, to prove that whatever job they work, everyone will hate them.

It's time to turn up the condescending glares to people who didn't have perfect attendance this semester, to people that may actually have a good time while in law school, to people who write blogs about how you aren't normal. Yes my friends, stare me down, I am ready.

Do I care that you now have a 147 page outline for Professional Ethics & Responsibility? Not really. Am I impressed by your command of exigency searches? Hmmm, nope. Am I worried that I had to look up a topic to say you had command of in my Crim Pro syllabus? Negative. Does that funk from your lack of showering concern me? Yes. Do I think it's pathetic that you obviously just bought an NFL sweatshirt in an attempt to look normal? Without a doubt. How can I live with myself if I don't study 24 hours a day? I watch reality TV, and realize how much better my life is than those people. Believe it or not, my entire life doesn't depend on what grades I get in law school. While you may feel the need to justify your existence by staying up 48 hours straight to bump that B up to a B+, I'd rather dream for 8 hours about the UC dance team.

Believe it or not, you can do well in law school and not try to rub it in everyone else's face. I have a number of friends on law review, moot court, and ranked in the top 10% that don't feel the need to remind everyone, everyday that they're awesome. However, if you people took up this stance, I'd have no one to make fun of, so thank you.

I mean, Lincoln didn't even go to law school.

So keep kissing ass, keep asking those extra questions, feel free to jump in if the rest of us stumble, even for a second, over an answer. I guess maybe that's just your way of making new friends. If I had the social skills of an 8-year-old, I'd also be looking at viable alternative methods for human contact.

Note: I'm typing this blog in the cafeteria, the NPQ is currently about 60, fairly high for any area of the law school. I'm guessing this is directly correlated to the NPQ in the library being about 4 right now.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

"Fuck it, Dude. Let's go bowlin"

Well, it's official. All the bowl matchups are finally set. Let's have a quick run-down of some bowl games of note.
  • Best name: San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl. Honestly, are you kidding me? They'll let anyone have a bowl game.
  • Biggest snub: Clearly this belongs to Oregon. I mean, the Pac-10 is so overrated it's laughable, but for crying out loud, even South Florida got a better timeslot. USF didn't even have a football team ten years ago.
  • Tempting fate: BYU will play in the Las Vegas Bowl on December 22nd. Putting all those Mormons in Vegas is like putting a fox in a henhouse, only if the fox were deaf, dumb, blind, and a quadriplegic. No, don't worry, I'm allowed to make Mormon jokes, I have permission from this guy.
  • The Granddaddy of Them All: Not the Rose Bowl. Bowden vs. Paterno in the Orange Bowl. JoePa will be 79, Bowden 76. This matchup was also voted most likely to require sideline defibrillators.
  • Misnomer alert: The bowl season will open on December 20th with Southern Miss taking on Arkansas State in the New Orleans Bowl, to be played in Lafayette.
  • Biggest yawner: Nevada vs. UCF in the Hawaii Bowl. Games in Hawaii are always weird because no matter where you're watching it from, it's dark where you are and light where they are. Somehow this makes for something of a surreal scene that tends to send me into a restless sleep.
  • Most inexplicable bowl location: This is a tie between the Motor City Bowl in Detroit (Memphis vs. Akron) and the MPC Computers Bowl in Boise (Boise State vs. Boston College). These are the only two cold-weather bowl sites, and Boise is even outdoors. I don't understand -- what does Ohio have to do to get a bowl game? Ohio has more players per capita in the NFL than any other state with at least 10 players, and the fifth-most overall (behind California, Florida, Texas, and Georgia). I don't even know why I care. I wouldn't go. Let's just move on.
  • Heisman favorite: Obviously this is Reggie Bush. I mean, did you see the highlight video? If Bush wins, the Rose Bowl on January 4th will mark the first time that two Heisman winners have ever played a game on the same team while still in college. If Matt Leinhart wins he will be the second man ever to win twice (the first, of course, being famed Buckeye Archie Griffin, who won in 1974 and 1975). If Vince Young wins, it will be the second time ever and second year in a row that two Heisman winners have played against each other in one game -- last year Leinhart (2004 winner) beat Jason White (2003) and the Oklahoma Sooners in the Orange Bowl for the national title. Kind of fun.
  • Most overrated bowl team: Well, you have to actually be rated to be overrated, so I'll say it's Texas Tech. They've played exactly one good defense (Texas) and they got hammered. I really don't understand how a team that beats up on the likes of Florida International and Sam Houston State (the BearKats, by the way) makes it into the top 25.
  • Fearless prediction: Although I hope and expect it to be a good game, I don't see how the Notre Dame defense can stop the Ohio State offense. I don't think the Ohio State defense will shut down the ND offense, exactly, but there will be none of this 42-points-against-Navy crap. Having seen both teams up close this year, I think OSU should win this one.
  • Rose Bowl: This is the first national championship game I'm actually interested in since the Ohio State-Miami game after the 2002 season. Texas has the better defense, but I think people forget that USC has four legitimate game-breakers on offense (Bush, Leinhart, LenDale White, and Steve Smith). As good as Bush is, I think people forget that White is actually the starter. This could be the second year in a row that two RBs from one school are selected in the first round, with the starter being selected last. Anyway, I think this will be a relatively close game with both teams scoring in the 25-35 range, but I think SC pulls it off.
Next week we're going to handicap our respective GPAs for the semester. The early line on the over/under is 2.557.

Memphis @ UC Observations

The "interim" title will stick in front of Andy Kennedy's name. Turnovers on numerous possessions straight out of timeouts, offensive sets that consisted of running a weave for 20 seconds then iso, usually with Hicks about 15 feet from the basket, lazy passing and poor shot selection, inexplicable substitution patterns . . . these aren't indicators of good coaching. UC needs to find a replacement fast, almost during this season, or there will be no recruits signing letters of intent to play in the Shoe next year.

I'm assumming the Big O has absolutely no interest in coaching, as he would be the logical choice. I think he's content with sharing pudding pops with Bill Cosby (it's obvious they've been hanging out, the Big O was wearing a sweater obviously borrowed from Cosby, circa 1985, at the game on Sat.) and eating peanuts courtside.

Look, would the UC dance team member (4th from the right, front row) just call me already. It was awkward sitting through the entire game with you smiling and waving to me. My friends were getting jealous. Just call me already, let's stop playing this cat and mouse game. We're not getting any younger. I love you.

I made a brief appearance on ESPN. I will be leaving school shortly to actively further my now underway career in television.

However, I did make a small ripple in the national news media. The "fire Nancy" chant at the end of the game was started by members of The Movement (our seating group). It may or may not have been my idea. I'm hoping this can become a tradition at home games. It needs to be done in the last minute of games that have already been decided, win or lose. If the game goes down to the wire, the chant should begin after the game is over. Also, I propose if our athletic teams continue to be moderate at best, then we fire Nancy at the end of the year. If she's going to hold the basketball coach responsible for academic success (not professors, advisors, and counselors) then we should definitely hold the President accountable for athletic success. It's only fair. But really, I still don't understand the timing of the move. If you want to fire your coach, do it, but not after he goes 25-8 in a year with no major disciplinary problems.

Also, Calipari, shut your hole and mind your own business. Don't tell UC fans that it's time to move on. I guess someone with your sense of loyalty would expect people to move on after an institution was unceremoniously booted from the program that he built. After Memphis saved his career by offering him the job there, he immediately threw his name into the hat for the Pittsburgh opening, talk about class. That's why, as he left the court, I let Mr. Calipari know that "John Cheney owns (him)."

Friday, December 02, 2005

Searching for Normalcy

I went to William & Mary for undergrad. W&M was no Florida State, Ohio State, or Wisconsin when it came to the party scene. However, like any institute of higher learning, we managed to have our fun. Although not everyone at Bill and Mary was socially competent, a good majority of the people were able to interact with other humans without breaking out into cold sweats or wetting themselves. It was the same at high school and all my summer interning experiences, so I assumed law school would be the same.

Boy was I wrong.

I wish someone had explained to me that a lot of people in law school don’t really understand how to interact with other people. Some people call this "being socially inept." Other, more eloquent, people call this "being a douchebag." I have decided to take a different path altogether. I’m not going to worry about classifying people after I’m in a situation anymore, it’s time to start being proactive. We need to start evaluating the possibility of having to interact with socially inept people. It’s time to look at a situation beforehand, whatever it may be, and estimating how many "normal people" will be there out of 100. I’m talking about a Normal People Quotient (NPQ).

I mean, we all now certain situations will inevitable end up in someone awkwardly suggesting that everyone play spin the bottle. This was cool in 4th grade, not in the second year of grad school. It’s not fun sitting through hours on end of non-sequitors like "Martha Stewart is sexy, in a do-your-own mom sort of way", "Sometimes I like to pretend that my laptop has feelings and we are friends," and "What does sex feel like?" The key to avoiding these situations, much like avoiding unwanted pregnancy, is prevention (also, to avoid unwanted pregnancy, refrain from drinking with whores).
Confused? It’s because I can’t write well. Let me try to explain through an example. Say Nye wanted to go to a happy hour next Friday. Here is the appropriate way to use the NPQ:

Nye: Tre, let’s go to this happy hour next Friday.

Tre: Maybe, who’s putting it on?

Nye: The Law School, the Med School, and the Nursing School.

Tre: Hold on a minute

At this point Tre takes a step back to evaluate the situation. law school and med school = low NPQ. However, nursing school has an NPQ of almost 100. This should make for a good event, thinks Tre. Luckily, Tre realizes that normal people ALSO use the NPQ, so when the nursing students look at the NPQ of the law school and med school, and they definitely won’t show. This would probably lead to an NPQ of about 10 at the event.

Tre: Nye, can’t do it, think about how low that NPQ is gonna be.

Nye: Smart, wow, thanks man, I totally didn’t think about that.

I’m telling you, this is going to be a social revolution, get on the bus now. So we can establish a frame of reference, here are certain settings with low and high NPQ’s:
Low NPQ:
Law school, med school, basically any graduate program that doesn’t have a correlating "sexy _______" Halloween costume.
Star Trek conventions
Academic Decathalons
Mental institutions
Strip clubs that charge less than a $10 cover, or that incorporate XXX into their name
The University of Michigan
The state of Michigan
NAMBLA, anywhere
Magic: The Gathering tournaments

High NPQ:
Nursing school
Most sporting events
The Sunday afternoon crowd at Uncle Woody’s (mostly Brown’s fans)
Bars with live music (surprisingly very consistent)
The Playboy Mansion
Most undergraduate institutions
Strip clubs (clubs that professional athletes frequent)
People who read this blog (or any of the blogs that we blogroll, respek)

People, we need to start thinking about the social consequences of our actions. I urge you to think about the NPQ before you make any social decision. If we do this, eventually natural selection will erase the socially awkward from the human population. That or they will form an isolated genetic pool that will eventually take over the world using tactics learned from Dungeons & Dragons. Like the Amish, I mean, if they had computers.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

"Which brings me to my next point kids: don't smoke crack"

The Ohio Supreme Court mandates at least one hour of substance abuse discussion in your PR class. I don't mean to suggest that this stuff isn't important -- it is. But I feel a little like I've just been transported back to 1997 in my 10th grade Health class. The only thing that's missing is the teacher who used to say goofy things because of her aneurysm.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Highlight films

One of the things that every aspiring college football player does at some point in his high school career is make a highlight film. Usually this involves putting your best runs, biggest hits, and most crushing blocks on tape and sending it out to any school that may be interested.

Quite often there is creative editing involved. In one of my high school games, for example, my buddy had a nice run with the ball, fumbled it right into the arms of a defender about five yards away, and then absolutely laid the guy out to make up for it. So what did he do? Started recording after the fumble and before the monster hit, of course. For all those coaches knew he was a blitzing linebacker on that play. Hey, you need every edge you can get in the ultra-competitive recruiting game.

But I think this crosses a line. Reggie Bush actually went out and recorded himself running around an empty field and then added "defenders" in digitally, after the fact. I mean, there's no other possible explanation for the runs on this tape. Right?

The video is here. Accompanying article here.

Links from Student of the Game, via Deadspin.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

"Not my knuckles, just my palms."

One of my classmates is complaining that her palms ache today. The general consensus around the lunch table is that this is somehow the fault of unusual Eastern European sex practices involving excessive squeezing. So, be cautious around those Hungarian girls.

UPDATE: WebMD lists possible causes as syphilis, pregnancy, or Kawasaki disease. Regrettably, riding motorcycles will not give you Kawasaki disease, though I understand that's a leading cause of pregnancy.

Paging Dr. Mix-a-lot

It's a sad, sad day when you see this headline. I can't imagine being a doctor and having to say, "Sorry, fatass, you didn't get any medicine, why don't you try hitting the treadmill." I mean, first you have to ask someone with an enormous ass to drop trowel, then you have to suffer the indignity of telling them that there is no way in hell a tiny little needle makes it through that massive layer of fat. I'm so glad I'm in law school as opposed to med school.

I mean, at least this problem is all the way over in Ireland. It's a good thing that Americans aren't getting too fat or anything....doh.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Weddings Mean Love (and booze)

So I've been meaning to post this for awhile, but just kept forgetting, finally Nye reminded me with his post of the IM convo the other day.

This summer I had a number of weddings to attend. Each wedding was preceded by a pretty good email thread of a bunch of mid-20s guys trying to figure out how to act at a wedding. I'll try to post some of the "greatest hits" every now and then. Here's one thread:

From: W
Subject: Dress for the wedding
Guys, I was wondering if I have to wear a suit at the wedding, it's gonna be pretty hot out all day. What do you think?

From: L
Subject: RE:Dress for the wedding

W, stop your bitching. I am going to be wearing a fucking tux in the burg in July at an outdoor wedding. For your information it is currently 99 degrees in the burg. On a serious note though, I think the suit is the more appropriate outfit. Just do what Tre does: dress up in a suit and 15 minutes into the reception/formal get so drunk the suit and shirt are off and sweat is pouring through your undershirt. I will also be following this methodology this weekend.I would love to be standing at the altar and turn to see your two drunk asses smoking a cigarette in the back row. Extra points if Tre’s tie is already off. Wear the suit you Greek.

From: W
Rest assured L, me and tre will be in the back, blacked out, smoking, taking a piss that we can’t hold, and yelling "Don’t do it (groom)! (bride) is whore! And (other groomsman) is a vagina!"...we will then give eachother hi-fives for yelling "vagina" so loud...Funny thing is, something tells me you’ll be doing the same thing up there in front of everyone...

Oh, and we're gonna do the best city in Ohio competition after exams. Too much effort right now. I want to do this bad boy right.

Friday, November 25, 2005

All - Ohio City Tournament

Brinkman had a great idea. We need to settle this debate, once and for all. This debate is, of course, which city is the best in Ohio.

Dayton Cincinnati Columbus Canton
Cleveland Akron Toledo Youngstown

This breakdown would give us a "Northern" and a "Southern" division.

Some criteria I would suggest: Things to do (not necessarily cultural), sports teams (college and pro), cleanliness, best bars, beautiful people per capita, weather, traffic, and a catch-all "other" category. I'm sure I'm missing some major ones, so feel free to suggest. We'll be having the draw this weekend for the first round matchups. Make suggestions for new categories before then.

I'll try to look into some sort of voting mechanism that we can post on here.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Giving Thanks

I am thankful that:

I’m back in the Cleveland area. It just seems cleaner than Cincinnati. Oh, you want to argue this? Really, answer this: 75% of what city often smells like raw sewage (unfortunately, this is not an exaggeration)?

Exams are coming up. Yay! I love exams. I also love viral meningitis and quality time with ex-girlfriends.

Our 4th grade gym teacher was out at the bar last night, and that he tried hitting on all my friends by saying he only liked girls whose ass could fit into this (making a gesture with his thumbs touching and pinky’s extended). I think this restricts his target demographic to 4th graders and below, how ironic….. And yes, I tried to convince by brother to tell the gym teacher how much his sit-and-reach has improved.

Cheaper by the Dozen II AND Yours, Mine, and Ours will be in theatres this season. What says hilarious comedy more than wacky families with a lot of kids getting into all sorts of mischief? Colonoscopies, for one.

They keep playing that stupid Dukes of Hazard ringtone commercial for Nokia. I know there is at least one guy in the world getting less action than me.

I’m not a professional athlete. By the amount of complaining that they do, it’s obvious how tough these guys have it. Can you really believe that a company would tell its employees how to dress? By “employees” I’m speaking of people who are paid millions of dollars to play some sort of sport for 8 months a year. I see how rough their lifestyles are every now and then on MTV cribs. I hate when my foyer waterfall gets clogged.

I am a Cleveland Indians fan. We develop players, you grow up with them, you invest in them. I’d hate to be a Red Sox fan. One year after winning the World Series for the first time in more than one generation, the fan base runs the GM that delivered the title out of Boston. Smart.

I didn’t follow up on my “we should buy Worldcom” idea when the stock was down to 3 cents a share. I'm now free to throw all that money away on booze and hookers. I mean, just booze.

My brother just showed up and told me that I need to dress up for dinner. He’s dressed in an old 3-piece suit that he took out of my Dad’s closet with his hair slicked back. He looks like a cross between a 70s disco star and an Amish man.

Now I’m going to go stuff myself. Those of you that know me, and my aspirations to become a world-champion competitive eater know that this is a long, involved process. It’s more difficult when you have two other 6’3” and taller, 225 plus males to compete with for the grub. Good thing my Mom is on Atkins.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005


Remember the 7th Floor Crew? Well the kid who "broke" the "story" has been kicked out of on-campus housing. But don't worry, they say it's for his own good. Deadspin, as usual, has the details.

Like Deadspin, I'm encouraging everyone to contact The U to tell them how ridiculous this really is. You can contact the school here or email the dean of students here.

Enjoy the holiday.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

King Without a Crown

So we usually leave music tips to people who actually know something about music, but due to the fact that I've been listening to this CD on repeat the last few days, especially the track that is the title of this blog, I felt obligated to pass this on. Also, I felt obligated to make that last sentence go on forever.

Anyway, here it is: Matisyahu - Live at Stubbs. Go download it, legally of course, or go to Best Buy, whatever. Or check out his website, did I mention that he's a Hasidic reggae artist? If that doesn't get you interested, I don't what will.

Sunday, November 20, 2005


I'm still way too hungover to make any sort of attempt at a meaningful post, but I just want to thank the Buckeyes for taking care of business yesterday. The dramatic fashion in which the game ended also gave me a surplus of Michigan fan's tears. I ended up with a couple bottles of them, and I will save them for New Year's and savor the fruits of my effort as I get ready to root for the Buckeyes during a New Year's bowl (I've heard Michigan may attempt to get a bid in the D-III playoffs). What do Michigan fan's tears taste like? Like the nectar of the gods, but better.

Nye was supposed to take some notes regarding the smack I talked yesterday, but things fell apart. If some of the greatest hits come back to me, I'll post them. It was a great day.

Email of the week

In response to my statement that I had two papers due this week and therefore probably should not hang out and watch football:

I can't help but notice that when your workload increases, so do the posts on your blog.
Hm. Interesting. No comment.

Saturday, November 19, 2005


Should Ohio State think about intentionally losing to Michigan next year? It can't be a rivalry if the same team wins all the time.

Best rivalry?

Unfortunately I've been forced to have some 'debates' with a few idiots about what is the biggest and best college football rivalry. I think these maps say it all.

"What is the best Rivalry Week game on Saturday?" 66% chose Ohio State/Michigan. Even the people in Virginia agree that it's better than VT-UVa.

"Which rivalry would you like to attend Saturday?" Once again, 66% chose Ohio State/Michigan. Even the people in California would rather go to The Game than their own Cal-Stanford contest.

Eat it.


This website basically sums everything up:


If everything goes right, my day will end up at some bar singing Hang On Sloopy over, and over, and over, and over. Or at least until those hicks up in Michigan hear us.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Happy anniversary!

Deadspin notes that today is the 20th anniversary of Lawrence Taylor snapping Joe Theismann's leg like a twig. Deadspin calls it "brutal" and "nasty," and many people consider it the single worst sports injury ever.

Personlly, I don't even think it's the worst injury in the history of Monday Night Football. Anyone who thinks otherwise simply must have forgotten poor Napoleon McCallum. On September 5, 1994 the San Francisco 49ers hosted the LA Raiders in both teams' season opener. On McCallum's third carry of the game, San Francisco linebacker Ken Norton, Jr. ended his career. I recommend watching the video, but only on an empty stomach.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?

We here at You Can't Get Arrested for Being Awesome strongly believe that everybody needs heroes. Whether you admire those who are extremely brave, those who think outside the box, or those who are wildly popular for no good reason, the important thing is that you be inspired to be all that you can be, and then some.

So whom do we admire? Well, as you might suspect, we look up to the bold, the clever, and the popular. But most of all we look up to people who do awesome things that you can't get arrested for (dangling prepositions notwithstanding). Herewith, the first official installment of Awesome Things for which You Can't Be Arrested.
  • The bold - Bears get into fight at FBI shooting range. First, we'd like to apologize for not mentioning this story sooner -- we initially ignored the headline because we thought they were real bears in some sort of outdoors story. In any case, a fistfight at a shooting range? That's a little like bringing a knife to a gunfight, except without the knife. We admire that sort of bravado.
  • The clever - Nursing home has its own pub. This is a great way to encourage those older employees to accept that early retirement package, no?
  • The popular - Meet Kyle Munzenreider and behold the power of the internet. On Tuesday afternoon Kyle blogged about an obscure rap song created about two years ago by a group of University of Miami students known as the 7th Floor Crew. At least one (and reportedly two) of the voices on the nine-minute epic are Miami football players. The story was picked up later that day by (one of the best sports sites out there, by the way) and on Wednesday afternoon Miami wide receiver Sinorice Moss was asked about it in an ESPN chat. By the time I woke up on Thursday morning had made something out of nothing and was forcing "The U" to issue apologies. But what of Kyle? Apparently poor Kyle is not only getting blasted in comments and emails, his phone number is now circulating the internet as well. Judging by the fake suicide note posted on the blog (since replaced by a picture of a kitten) I'm guessing that the majority of those messages aren't very encouraging. And all Kyle did was report the existence of the song.

So join us in raising a glass to the Chicago Bears, St. Mary's Hospital, and Kyle Munzenreider. And don't forget -- you can't get arrested for being awesome.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Interesting Court Case out of Columbus

Columbus, OH (AP) - A seven year old boy was at the center of a Franklin County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the University of Michigan Wolverines, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone ......

Go Bucks!

The best part of Michigan is under water.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Weddings Mean Love (and booze)

So I've been meaning to post this for awhile, but just kept forgetting, finally Nye reminded me with his post of the IM convo the other day. This summer I had a number of weddings to attend. Each wedding was preceded by a pretty good email thread of a bunch of mid-20s guys trying to figure out how to act at a wedding. I'll try to post some of the "greatest hits" every now and then. Here's one thread:

From: W
Subject: Dress for the wedding
Guys, I was wondering if I have to wear a suit at the wedding, it's gonna be pretty hot out all day. What do you think?

From: L
Subject: RE:Dress for the wedding

W, stop your bitching. I am going to be wearing a fucking tux in the burg in July at an outdoor wedding. For your information it is currently 99 degrees in the burg. On a serious note though, I think the suit is the more appropriate outfit. Just do what Tre does: dress up in a suit and 15 minutes into the reception/formal get so drunk the suit and shirt are off and sweat is pouring through your undershirt. I will also be following this methodology this weekend.

I would love to be standing at the altar and turn to see your two drunk asses smoking a cigarette in the back row. Extra points if Tre’s tie is already off. Wear the suit you Greek.

From: W

Rest assured L, me and tre will be in the back, blacked out, smoking, taking a piss that we can’t hold, and yelling "Don’t do it (groom)! (bride) is whore! And (other groomsman) is a vagina!"...we will then give eachother hi-fives for yelling "vagina" so loud...

Funny thing is, something tells me you’ll be doing the same thing up there in front of everyone...

Oh, and we're gonna do the best city in Ohio competition after exams. Too much effort right now. I want to do this bad boy right.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Who says guys can't cook?

The actual text of an IM conversation I had with Tre about three hours ago:
Tre: hold on, i need to go do the next step of the recipe for dinner
Nye: ok, what are you making?
Tre: microwave lasagna, i need to remove cover and cook on 50% for 7 mintues

The bachelor in me

I love being married, but I have to admit -- sometimes when my wife is on call (and I therefore have to fend for myself for dinner) I have a very strong urge to go to the grocery store, buy a package of chocolate chip cookie dough, and just eat the entire thing in one sitting.

Speaking of being married -- and this has nothing to do with being married, I just needed a segue -- I think you have to be pretty ballsy to try this form of birth control. Tee hee. Ballsy.

Finally, a warning to all you budding socialists (read: tax-and-spend liberals) out there. I consider this to be the direct result of a government-run healthcare system.

Let's hope our mothers aren't "cool"

I mean, let's hope they aren't cool like this lady.

I'm confused about how a 41-year-old woman could really be feeling like "part of the group" of a bunch of 16 and 17-year-old boys. I guess she must have had a bunch of pornos hidden under her mattress, talked about what girls she though were hot (or easy), and worried about the cops showing up at her "parties." Or maybe it was the high school guys who were worried about their 401K, what that last Oprah Book Club book really meant, and the impending onset of menopause. Either way, there was obviously some sort of common ground.

Novel approach, but I can't imagine a 41-year-old woman talking about where she's going after homecoming.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Revising the American Image

John McCain has come out publicly saying that the US needs to expressly ban torture of prisoners to repair the American image. John McCain is a badass, and has endured his own torture as a P.O.W. However, for political concerns, Mr. McCain had to stop short with his recommendation for repairing America's image. Luckily, I don't care about politics, so I'll round out the plan for America with a few of my own suggestions:

The electric chair and lethal injections are slowly phased out. The gauntlet from Running Man is slowly phased in.

We trade "American Cheese" for "Brazilian Bikini Wax," straight up.

End the charade, stop pussyfooting around, and just annex Canada. However, we send Celine Dion to France first.

Columbus Day is replaced with a holiday that honors a real national hero, Jack Daniels. However, everyone still goes to work, but we all go drunk. Creativity soars, concrete results are non-existent. Taco Bell and Pizza delivery places do record business. Everyone gets some office booty.

"Wussy" Supreme Court decisions can now be overruled by a three-member panel consisting of Mr. T, Mike Ditka, and The Rock.

The FMLA is expanded to include one week of time off for bachelor/bachelorette parties in Vegas or Atlantic City. Gambling losses during this timeframe are also tax deductible.

Water fountains? Oh, you must be mistaken, those are now whiskey fountains.

Remind everyone that there is no crying in baseball, or in football press conferences. This means you, Dick Vermeil.

The "Whaaasssuuuppp?" from the old beer commercials is now a proper business greeting.

Government hires Chuck Norris full-time. He gives serious beat-downs to anyone with a popped collar. Excessive trendiness and acting like you have lots of money is quashed for the time being.

It will not be considered sexual harassment to require secretaries to wear Hooters outfits. I'm talking male or female.

Miranda warnings are replaced by an open-handed slap to the mouth. This is not abuse, merely a reminder that you shouldn't open your mouth until your lawyer gets there, you dirty criminal.

Ashlee Simpson and Jessica Simpson fight to the death. Then the winner gets eaten by a bear.

Nationwide releases of "Romantic Comedies" are replaced by "Hardcore Pornography."

America, we won't torture you anymore, but we're still one bad-ass mofo.

(Also, If I'm in charge I'd like the champion of the WNBA to play the number one ranked boy's high school team in a nationally televised event. I want to end this debate once and for all.)

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Oh, those crazy Canadians...

A city councillor in Vancouver wants the city to open a brothel. Canada is quickly turning into The Netherlands, isn't it?

Friday, November 11, 2005

Happy Veterans Day

So, guess which idiot went to work today because he didn't realize that no one would be in the office on Veteran's Day, even though he works at freaking City Hall.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Deconstructionists, Dude

We already know that professors will say and do the darnedest things, so let's add one more onto the pile. Here's one of my favorite recent emails:
Here's more from my deconstructionist Con Law II prof: "When I was, what is now called a, uh, homeless person, and what was then called a street hippie, my soon-to-be-now-ex-wife and I arrived in arizona in the 1955 Buick we had bought for $100. We bought a campsite for $4 and started to look for work. She found work, I didn't, and long story short we ended up in the Flagstaff welfare office. Now, Arizona has an ingenius welfare plan. They, no joke, gave us $10 cash and said 'there, that should give you enough gas to get to California.' The idea was that, even though Reagan was running California, they had a much better welfare system. So we went to California and it was great. We scammed the system, got double benefits, and stayed in a 'hotel.' But this was after we were pissed off at Arizona for not giving us actual welfare, we took the $10 the first time around and used it to ... buy pot. [scores of laughter from the class]. No, just kidding about that. I never, ah, [cracking up himself] smoked. OK. On to Shapiro." And the class lost it.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Warning: You may have to read to understand this warning

I just saw a commercial for Lunesta, that new perscription sleeping pill. My favorite warning for medications used to be the heartburn medication that caused diarrhea. However, this new one takes the cake.

Lunesta is a sleeping pill that has the possible side effect of: drowsiness. No Shit! A sleeping pill might make me drowsy? Good thing you witty sons of bitches pointed this out. I mean, who would take a sleeping pill and think they might get drowsy, let alone fall asleep. I mean, this is like saying that alcohol makes ugly people pretty and may cause unwanted pregnancy. It's just a given. We really need to stop dumbing everything down. This is why europeans make fun of us. That and the fact that we tried to rename french fries to freedom fries. And Freddy Prinze Jr. And any reality show on Fox. OK, nevermind.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

The filibuster

I think it's time we all agreed to stop perpetuating the myth that the filibuster was one of the greatest inventions of our nation's founding fathers and that it's a tool designed to protect minority interests. The filibuster is an historical accident, and in its current form dates only to 1917.

Article I, section 5 of the Constitution says that "[e]ach House may determine the rules of its proceedings." The first Senate rules were adopted by a majority vote of the first Congress in 1789. There were 19 rules at the time, and they have been modified periodically over the last 216 years. Presently there are 43 Standing Rules.

The original Rule VIII defined the privileged motions; privileged motions may be made at any time and, if they receive a second, they are immediately voted upon. Among the privileged was a motion "for the previous question" -- that is, a motion to vote on the issue being debated. If this motion was approved by a simple majority, the debate was ended and a vote on the "main question" was taken. This was a common rule at the time -- it had been used by the British parliament for a few hundred years, the Continental Congress, and the House of Representatives. (The House still uses it today; Rule XVI(4)(a) identifies a motion for the previous question as being subordinate only to a motion to adjourn and a motion to table an issue.)

In 1806 the Standing Rules of the Senate were revised for the first time. Aaron Burr was then the Vice President, and in his capacity as the President of the Senate recommended that the motion for the previous question be abolished. He could see no use for it, as it had only been used only once during his tenure, and even then it was only used on an amendment to a bill. The Senate adopted Burr's revisions to the Rules without adding any provision to limit debate. At no point did the Senators discuss (or even appear to recognize the possibility of) a "right to filibuster." They simply overlooked the fact that they no longer had a tool to end debate and force a vote.

History supports this conclusion. The first filibuster didn't occur for more than 30 years after removing the motion for the previous question, and filibusters were rare until the post-Civil War era. Moreover, the Senate tried to reinstate the motion for the previous question four times in the latter half of the 19th century. During this period the only way to force an end to debate was by compromise, by relinquishment of the floor, or by adjournment.

The modern filibuster dates only to 1917 -- a scant 88 years ago, hardly the era of our founding fathers -- when the Senate adopted a cloture rule allowing a supermajority of the Senate to end

What's the point of all this? The point is that the filibuster is not the invention or the intention of the founding fathers. You are free to accept or reject the policy arguments in favor of or against the filibuster, of course, but to claim that doing away with the filibuster (or "going nuclear," so to speak) is unconstitutional, or that the filibuster should be retained because "that's the way we've always done it," or because "that's what the founding fathers intended" is not only illogical but not grounded in fact.

I'm sure there are a number of places you can read up on the real history of the filibuster, but this paper (PDF) from the Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy gives a nice summary of the facts.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Deer Hunting

I know a bunch of guys think they're manly because they go sit in a camouflaged tent in the middle of nowhere and wait for deer to happen across their nest.

However, due to recent developments, there is only one way to hunt deer and still be a man.

Included in this article from is one of the best paragraphs that I've ever read:

"Goldsberry, about 6-feet-1 and 200 pounds, entered the bedroom to confront the deer and, after a brief struggle, emerged to tell his wife to call police. After returning to the bedroom, the fight continued. "

So he's beating the crap out of this deer, leaves for a minute to tell his wife to call the cops, then returns to finish the beatdown? Amazing.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Netflix class action

I'm not a Netflix user, but if any of you are you might want to check out this post about a class action settlement that's coming your way. Could be bad news.

House for sale

It's a 3-bed/3-bath, built 1910 but recently remodeled. Oak floors, fireplaces, the works. Great Denver neighborhood, good schools, etc. Only $600,000. Plus, if you buy it, you get a wife for free.

Be sure to check out the photo gallery. Of the house.

Mr. T starts getting real

I can't tell if the production, writing, or singing is the best part.

Mr. T tells us to respect our Mothers (watch out for the Aretha Franklin-esque spelling of Mother).

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Buggered by a dog

I can't wait to get out of law school and into the real world so I can start representing clients like this. This kind of story makes it all worthwhile, doesn't it?

I'm a little confused though. Does that technically count as criminal defense, or animal law?

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Crim Pro Quotes

In an attempt to justify my man-crush, I think it's necessary for me to blog a few quotes from my Crim Pro prof every now and then.

"I brought this cake in today to celebrate the birth of the new court." "Sorry, I ate half of it myself."

"At this point the defense attorney and his client are like Brooke Shields and her Calvin Kleins, nothing gets between them."

"We've all been there before, it's the end of the summer, and you're wondering if all this lovey-dovey crap was just the beer talking."

"A Miranda attorney isn't a real attorney, it's like if you have to go to the prom, and you don't have a date, and you take your cousin or something."

"So the only way to say you want an attorney to a cop is saying 'give me an attorney, you bleepity bleep.'"

"Miranda made money by selling autographing the little green cards that police give you, and I got one. Then I brought it to class once, and someone ripped it off, so if you see it on eBay, please let me know."


Sunday, October 30, 2005


Hey, did you guys hear that Tedy Bruschi is playing tonight? Where has he been, anyway? Did he get hurt? Why didn't anyone tell me about this?

Man, those guys up in New England just don't get enough media coverage.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Really Moot Court

Disparate treatment, disparate impact, blah blah blah, we've all heard about the two big dogs of discrimination numerous times from con law one forward. However, what most people forget is that "discrimination" can only happen to certain groups of people.

Let me start this off by saying I never thought I would make moot court, and this isn't a personal rant, but more of a rant for the people I think deserved it and got screwed. Also, those of you that made it, Congratulations, I'm sure you worked your ass off, my problem isn't with you, it's with the process itself.

Moot Court is a big deal in most law schools, and I personally held it with high esteem before going through the process. Now I realize, it's pretty much a joke.

First, in tryouts, competitors argue against a random selection of 5% of the people competing for moot court. Competitors are put in front of different judges, who attack arguments differently and understand competitor's points differently. Oh yes, also, their level of care differs greatly as well. My last judge told me, "I'm getting pretty tired, I hope you guys don't mind if I don't really pay attention to your arguments." Yeah, maybe it was in jest, but there's at least a little truth in every joke (except any joke about Tre or Nye). If Moot Court is as prestigious as people would like us to believe it is, there needs to be a much more balanced and level application process.

The point that really irks me is the 'random selection' of these judges. I had 6 males, three other people I asked had 6 males, 4 people I asked had 5 males and 1 female, and ONE person had a "mix of males and females." So we pick all male judges and FOURTEEN females make it as opposed to FOUR males. It doesn't take ole Sigmund to postulate a theory as to what may have happened. Also, the girls who made Moot Court are a pretty physically attractive group, which makes me wonder even further (If any of you ladies are reading this, I am free this weekend, call me, except the married ones). The easiest argument to make is in the converse, if 14 males had made moot court, how many formal complaints do you think would have been filed? How many sit-downs with the Dean would disgruntled Moot Court applicants be having, "Dr. Dean, 77.7% of the people that made moot court are males, this is just so not fair!" But we're men, so we take it. If we complained, I'm sure we'd be "whiners" and "sore losers" or, even better, we "can't take it when a women beats us." If a female complained, she'd have a legitimate beef. Please.

This specific example just underscores a problem that I used to find funny, but now is starting to really bother me. Sexism is not something that is tolerated anywhere, unless, of course, it targets males. "Bitch" and "Slut" won't fly, but "Bastard" and "Man-Whore" are completely fine. I'm not making this reference hypothetically. I know a number of girls that take enormous offense to the former, but don't think twice about tossing the latter towards a male constituent. What's the difference? Men haven't been raised with this stigma that women are out to get them. We feel no need to protect "the essence of manhood" at every single turn. We don't think people are out to get us just because we are men. That's the problem, maybe we should, as it's pretty obvious that something, intentional or not, happened in moot court tryouts.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Are you calling Sheryl Swoopes a liar?

Here's an interesting headline: "Houston Comets' Swoopes says she's gay."

I don't get it. Do they not believe her?

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Let's call a spade a spade.....

...yesterday it was reported that Cuba rescued a number of refugees from Hurricane Wilma.

No doubt, I'm sure that Cuba took these people out of the floodwaters, but let's be honest, Cuba actually captured a number of refugees from Hurricane Wilma. I'm imagining a scene with thousands of Cubans sitting in their homes in inflatable rafts waiting for the hurricane to rip the roof off their home. I don't think it would be that hard, I don't remember seeing that many houses built after the 1930s in Cuba. For a theoretically perfect economic system, communism really blows.

Kevin Neelan's Mr. Subliminal says: congrats Cuba (Hades), way to rescue (capture) hundreds of citizens (slaves) displaced (escaping) by the Hurricane (the oppressive way of life).

By the way, props to NBC on E-Ring. If there were two people I'd want defending the country, it would be Benjamin Bratt and Dennis Hopper, err, thanks for skipping out on The Office this week, punks.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Holy War

Lots to talk about today.
  • For starters, I took some leftover pizza to school for lunch today, but by the time I got out of my 9am class it was gone. We've had problems in the past with homeless people, uhm, "letting themselves into the school" at night and taking stuff out of the fridge (or sleeping in the classrooms) but this was in the middle of the morning. So one of you fuckers ate my lunch. Thanks a lot.
  • Spent last Saturday at Notre Dame for the BYU game. There are a few things of note here about the game itself.
    • Firstly and foremostly, my buddy Drew actually played in this game -- he's on the punt squad and the kickoff return team. I never got to hear his name over the PA, but he was in on two tackles (officially credited with one) and downed a punt at the 4 yard line. Here's a shot of him (top, #48) getting ready for one of Notre Dame's many kickoffs.
      He looks much smaller in person.
    • I really have to commend Notre Dame on their game plan. The way they allowed BYU's offense to move the ball between the 30s really neutralized Drew's effectiveness. Very impressive.
    • Speaking of game-planning, the Irish attend mass on Saturday morning at the Basilica of the Sacred Heart, and all the fans line the path from the church to the stadium at about 11:15. There was apparently some congestion at the front of the line, so Charlie Weis stopped right next to me. Nice guy that I am, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to offer him an animal cracker. He didn't accept, but I did manage to get a photo of him laughing at me. Good times.
      Charlie Weis thinks I'm funny.
  • Hey, that reminds me. The best way to get Jehovah's Witnesses off your porch? Just tell them that you're a Mormon. They go running. It's like the Crips and Bloods. (What, you prefer oil and water?)
  • Notre Dame's campus -- amazing. Everything there was top-notch. First-rate all the way, from the pre-game traditions to the knowledge of the fans to the quality of the football. The only thing that was lacking in any respect were the concessions. If you didn't want a hot dog, you were out of luck. And actually I got the last hot dog at one particular concession stand, so if you were the guy behind me, you were out of luck even if you did only want a hot dog.
  • NFL? Shitty week. Browns crapped the bed again. Their defense has only allowed 1 TD in each of the last 4 games, but they have a serious bend-don't-break thing going on, which I could do without. Lots of turnovers, some dropped passes, too many penalties. At least the Bengals lost. Oh, that reminds me -- I heard on the radio this morning that Bootsy Collins (who?) has decided to give the Bungles their own theme song. Apparently he's a Cincinnati native, and yet for some reason decided to title his song "Fear da Tigers." Last I checked, the Tigers were a baseball team, and they play in Detroit. Well done, Bootsy. Anyway, I found a link here, and I guess there are multiple songs. Three players actually appear in the other one ("Bigg Cats"), and if that's not asking for trouble one-third of the way into the season, I don't know what is. Maybe this explains their performance against the Stillers -- let's hope the Football Gods use this opportunity to teach everyone a lesson in humility by continuing to smite these infidels. And since we're on the topic, this "Who Dey" crap is hands-down the worst slogan in all of professional sports. Someone needs to put a stop to it.
  • In fantasy football I'm looking at 3-1 for the week, which would put me at 16-11 on the year. I'll hold onto the overall points lead for the "important" league, and have a shot at the high score for the week in one of the others.
  • Finally, in non-football news, a former child-actor was just elected President of Poland. I'm excited about this, because it throws the door wide open for the 2024 candidacy of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. I can't wait.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Ode to Shitonus (part 1)

I live in a nice apartment now. I can't complain. There are no mushrooms growing through cracks in the bathroom. I don't have any black mold on my bathroom ceiling. My toilet no longer stops working for weeks at a time. Life is good.

However, things weren't always so plush. I once lived in a little chateau off the main drag in Williamsburg that locals call "Shitonus." In honor of the upcoming homecoming celebration in the 'burg, over the next few days I'll try to recount a few of my favorite Che Tonus memories.

The most prevelent memory in my mind is when I almost missed a sorority formal due to a rugby social going on in our backyard. Yes, the same rugby social where "Animal" intentionally pissed himself then passed out in the Days Inn courtyard, then relocated and passed out again in our fraternity house basement (naked, or so I've heard).

Anyway, due my involvement in the afternoon's revelry, I may or may not have forgot about the fact that I was getting picked up at 5 PM to go to dinner for the aforementioned formal. As is the custom, we were going to dinner with a large number of people, including my housemate and his girlfriend. It was my housemate's girlfriend that showed up in our back yard to pick me up. Needless to say, I wasn't quite getting ready for the formal. Unless by "getting ready for the formal" you mean "trying to throw an empty keg through our neighbors porch, then giving up on the keg and just jumping through the screen porch myself." Yes, beer boxing had done a number on me.

Needless to say, my roomie's girlfriend calmly informed me that we were late for the formal, and I needed to get ready. Her exact words were, "Tre, you fucking asshole, you have 5 minutes to get inside, get ready, and get out here." I rushed inside and jumped in the shower. After washing the sweat off for about 30 seconds, I ran into my room, where 2 of my roommates were waiting to help me get dressed. They kindly dressed me in a pink shirt, with a red tie, my grey suit without a belt, and my restaurant 'no slip' work shoes. I looked great, let me tell you. By the time I made it to the car, I had already bled through the knee of my suit (porch jumping injury).

So we get to the restaurant and I proceed to refuse to order any dinner, only eating bread and water, and profusely apologizing to my date. I mean, so much so that she eventually told me to just shut up.

The night actually got better, once everyone else caught up to me. Numerous shots of Aristocrat (from the handle we had 'snuck in' tucked into my date's coat, what kind of security can't see a handle?) in the ladies room helped this. The slip proof shoes also proved to be a godsend on the dance floor.

Ah yes, I miss those times, but this weekend gives me a chance to relive them. The fact that one of my buddies has just returned from Iraq will most likely make this the craziest weekend of my life.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

We Must Protect This House

Went to the game yesterday, and while it wasn't USC/ND or Michigan/PSU dramatic, it was still pretty exciting. I think my ears started bleeding at the end of the first half when OSU blocked the field goal and ran it back 75 yards.

However, my enjoy-ability of the game was tempered by the fact that a Michigan State fan was sitting behind me. Literally, when I stood up for the first 3rd down of the game to cheer, the guy said, "Why do you have to stand up when no one in front of you is standing up?"

I apologized for getting excited at my home team's game, pointed out that I had paid for the ticket where I was sitting, and promised never to stand up and cheer at a Michigan State home game. What a dick. If I was in Cleveland, I would have covered him in beer.

Friday, October 14, 2005

What's your best rejection story?

E. Spat at Will Work for Favorable Dicta had a good post about rejection letters that turned into readers telling stories about their favorites (you know, to the extent that you can have a favorite soul-crushing moment). Somehow or other this turned into a quest to boil down your rejection letters into greeting card format. For example, last year I received a rejection letter from a firm to which I did not apply, so that card might look like this:
Front: We just wanted to let you know...

Inside: don't waste your time applying!

Some of my favorites so far are:

Front: Thanks for thinking of [firm name]

Inside: If you ever need a good lawyer, call us.

Front: We heard you wanted a job with us!

Inside: NO!

Front: We had lots of qualified candidates!

Inside: Too bad you weren't one of them!

Check out the post here, and be sure to add your own in the comments.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Fall break is here

No school for a whole week. Here's what's been going on and what's on the agenda for the week, as well as some things I've been pondering:

  • Moot Court tryouts are ending right about now, so hopefully we'll have some sloppy-drunk posts from John when he gets home at about 2am. I'm excited, are you?
  • One of my neighbors around the corner called the City and complained that I wasn't trimming the hedges in the back, so I got cited for "encumbrancing the sidewalk." A $25 fine. What an asshole, right? Where I grew up, we didn't have sidewalks, except for this little one near the town park and fire station, and the city maintained it. So I'm pleading ignorance and asking them to throw out the fine at my hearing tomorrow. The fun of it is, I work for the City. So I will leave work to attend a hearing on my violation, then go back to work, whereupon I may very well be assigned to write the report on my violation. Awesome.
  • In order to get the fine waived, I actually had to trim back the bushes. Fair enough. But in doing so I made the unfortunate discovery that there is a veritable shit-ton of poison ivy over there. Fantastic.
  • Is it legally possible to rape oneself? I think even if it is, it would be impossible to get a conviction, because anyone you managed to get to trial would just plead the Fifth.
  • Had three job interviews in Cleveland last week, so I get jumpy every time the phone rings (not often, of course) and am dreading opening the mail. I love job-hunting.
  • Please, do your part to keep kids off drugs. Just say no to "camel toads."
  • Over fall break there is a lot of fun to be had. Hopefully my lawn mower will be fixed and I can cut the grass (since it hasn't been done since, oh, August or so). There is plenty of reading and paper-writing to be done.
  • The highlight will be heading to South Bend for the holy war between Notre Dame and BYU. I try to stay out of the "my God is better than your God" thing, but one of my best friends from high school plays for BYU. Regrettably, doesn't seem to update the stats for Mountain West teams, because they still have him listed as a TE, even though he's a linebacker. You can scroll down to the bottom of this box score to find his name and his two solo tackles against San Diego State two weeks ago. I'm going with my little brother, a huge ND fan, so that should be fun for both of us.
  • It's been 10 years since "Calvin and Hobbes" ended, and I'm still sad about it.
  • My wife's cat got stuck in a Chipotle bag today. It was funny enough that rather than remove it, we let it writhe around until it punched a hole in the bag and walked out the other end.
  • I've started drinking coffee. Somehow this makes me feel like less of a man, but I have officially resolved to only drink it black from now on. Hopefully that will help.
  • Watched a little poker on TV the other day and laughed out loud when the announcer said that someone was holding "a King-Jack off-suit." A jack-off suit? What the fuck is that?
  • I'm writing my Note for Law Review about potential copyright issues in the Google Library Project. Every day I get an email update on the latest happenings in the case from Google News. Is that a potential conflict of interest?
  • Cleveland's two hottest young bachelors sports stars, LeBron James and Braylon Edwards, were hospitalized this week. Were I Grady Sizemore, I would be very worried right now.
  • Finally, I need six character references for the bar application application (yes, I have to apply for admission to apply). I really don't trust any of my friends to say anything good about me, so if any of you out there are willing to help, please let me know.

As my little brother would say, "so until next time, remember -- on a scale of one to awsome, I'm still super-great."

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

I once knew a guy who used to dream about sleeping

My wife is just home from a 34-hour shift at the hospital and seems poised to rip off another 18-hour slumber like she did last Saturday-Sunday. Only catch is that she has to be back at the hospital in about 13 hours. Medical students. Crazy.

Fred Smoot can cover the whole world, but not his own ass

I had a coach in high school who liked to tell us that "women have ruined more athletes than drugs and alcohol combined." He was sort of crazy (he even had a lazy eye, and once threw his shoe at a player) so I didn't give it much thought, but maybe that theory explains the Minnesota Vikings' 1-3 start.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Rob Neyer is a fraud

Neyer is a senior baseball writer for About two weeks ago he wrote a column detailing the AL playoff possibilities -- for example, if Cleveland won 2 of their last 3 and Boston won 2 of their last 3, this would be the result, etc., etc. For all of the one-game playoff possibilities, he had an historical footnote about the matchup. Like, for a Cleveland-Boston one-game playoff, he noted that they played in 1948, the last time the Indians won the World Series. For a Boston-New York one-game playoff, he mentioned the Bucky Dent game. And for the possibility of a Cleveland-New York playoff, he wrote that it had never happened before -- "as near as I can tell," he wrote, "these teams have never played a game at the end of the season that meant something to both of them."

Thinking myself very clever, I wrote to him, saying "What do you mean these teams have never played a game at the end of the season that meant something to both of them? Haven't you seen Major League?" I didn't expect a response, so imagine my surprise when he wrote back:

"Actually, I have not. That would've made a great note in the column, though."

Whaa?? Never seen Major League? A senior baseball writer? You've got to be kidding me. "Why?" I asked him. "A matter of principle at this point? Just not a movie guy? Don't like Dennis Haysbert?" Responded Rob, "I just don't watch comedies unless I think they'll be funny." Simply stunning. Consider this the start (and end) of my campaign to get Rob Neyer impeached, or something.

In other sports news, it was a good week in football. The Browns won, the Bungles lost, and I went 3-1 in fantasy. That makes me a less-than-stellar 11-8 overall, and puts me in 1st place, 4th place, 7th place, and 7th place in the order that I care about the leagues. So, it could be worse.

Also, Braylon Edwards is still in the hospital with a staph infection he probably picked up in Indy two weeks ago. Lee Suggs managed to fracture his thumb despite playing only 3 plays on Sunday, officially making him more fragile than Chad Pennington and Juan Gonzalez combined. Edwards could be out anywhere from a few days to a few months, and Suggs is expected to miss about four weeks.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Dirty (Old) Man

After watching the old man on The Apprentice get one of the female contestents (CEOs, execs, lawyers) to do pushups for him to demonstrate a heart monitor, I've decided I need to be a dirty old man now. I really don't understand how dirty, old men get away with this stuff (also why it is necessary to show old man boners on national TV). I'd really like it if someone explained this to me. I was going to write a blog about how funny it would be if I could act like a dirty old man right now, but I just can't fathom saying and doing some of the things they do. If I stare at a women's chest for 5 to 10 minutes straight, it's creepy. If I casually touch a girl's ass, it's sexual harassment. Why then, are old men allowed to do these things? Also, if someone could let me know what the cutoff age to be a dirty old man is, I'd appreciate it. I'm hoping it's somewhere in the vicinity of 25.

On a side note, anyone who watched the show last night knows just how much the dirty old man factor played into the final scores. The women's expo was awful, the men's was pretty well done. Yet, the final scores were 7.9 to 8.1. You know that most old men gave extra points for the scenery at the women's expo.

Monday, October 03, 2005

New Job Posting

Title: Some job you really don't want

Location: The middle of f'ing nowhere

Pay: Negotiable, but most likely you get paid more for cleaning the ball pit at Chuck e Cheese

Requirements: Top 10%, Law Review, Moot Court, clerked for SC Justice a plus

If interested please submit cover letter, resume, writing sample, urine sample, complete family tree, and dental records for the last 5 years.

Thank you.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Email of the day

From my friend Frank Walsh:

All right, I'll send it. And snicker. I'm not above it.
Typhoon Longwang.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Charitable giving

With the rash of recent disasters, I feel that it's important for those of us who are more fortunate than others to give back to those in need. My charity of choice is the Global Healings Society. Don't worry if you don't have enough spare cash right now -- they also accept other things, such as (scroll down to the bottom) airplanes, food, silver, and gold coins, and they "do not discriminate against any form of trade or tender as a donation."

And if you have some time, take a history lesson by reading their novel/manifesto -- just follow the link at the top right to "Awakening (The American...)." I think you'll learn a lot of things that you wish you were taught in grade school, including how the Banksters turned the United States into an offshore corporation and pledged its citizens as collateral for the loan (which loan, I have no idea). Also, note that even though this guy can't seem to spell his name the same way twice, that hasn't stopped him from "copyrighting" it.

I think this guy definitely needs all the help he can get.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Quick hits

Just a few little things to brigten your day:
  • Fantasy update -- I never gave the recaps of my other drafts because I didn't want to tip my strategy before my league with John drafted. Yes, I am a huge dork. In any case, things didn't look so good this week, and I went 2-2. Here is the breakdown so far for each of my four leagues: 2-1, 2nd place; 1-2, 8th place; 2-1, 3rd place; 2-0, 2nd place (with John in first), overall 7-4. Also, let's just say that I've discovered a glaring inefficiency in one league that has led to a firesale, so things might pick up soon.
  • I have two callbacks from OCI over the last two weeks. The first one is tomorrow here in Cincinnati. As I have never been on a callback before, I have no idea how to behave myself. Suggestions welcome.
  • With 6 games to play, the Tribe is still in the lead for the Wild Card, and is 2 back in the AL Central. If they go 4-2 over the last 6, they can do no worse than a one-game playoff. 5-1 gets them into the post-season with at least the Wild Card berth, and 6-0 gets them the division title. And that's assuming the worst-case scenario -- that the White Sox win the next three against Detroit, that the Red Sox sweep their four against Toronto, that the Yankees sweep Baltimore, and that the Sox/Yankees series goes 2-1 one way or the other (a sweep by either team would benefit the Tribe).

Friday, September 23, 2005

Well, Deadspin is running a picture of some fans getting frisky at RFK. I have no idea where these crazy kids are, but I'd say they've one-upped those Nationals fans.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Strange sight

In the library today, there was a man who apparently attends the law school across the river. He sat in our computer lab feeding pages from a book into a scanner and emailing them to himself, one by one. For about six hours.

The book he was pilfering? A treatise on copyright law.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Oh, See, I (thought I'd get a job)

I'm not commensurate with any job opportunities. However, at least it isn't the firm telling me this. Our CPD has decided to pre-screen our resumes. Amazing. What was the point of me doing OCI again? I've learned my lesson, all resumes will be now sent directly. Also, I'd like a refund for the 17 dollars that I spent at Kinko's and all the time that I wasted putting this business together. It's more than a little embarrassing for students to have to re-send resumes to firms, not sure whether or not the firm actually received the resume in the first place. It really makes us look professional as well.

My favorite is a fellow law student's godfather was disturbed when his godson "didn't apply" for a job with his firm. Turns out he did apply, just CPD figured he wouldn't get a job there. He's interviewing today.

Not having a job is starting to get really depressing. Especially because I see a lot of people with suits on that I could do a much better job than. I'm talking about you, Mr. always eats in class, never shows up on time, reads notes off the girl's computer next to him, but his mom has a really good job. Nepotism is back. Due to the high number of call-backs, it really looks like the CPD chose the right people to interview.

Oh, and yes, Go Tribe.